Made a Decision

                                      "Meeting Makers Make It"

There's are many AA sayings about meetings, 

including: 

 "Many meetings, many chances; 

few meetings, fewer chances; 

No meetings, no chances."

 "The trouble with staying home, isolating and listening to my own head is 

I get a lot of bad advice."

I was told in my first days in recovery the most important meeting we should go to is the one we don't feel like going to. 

I wish every AA member would take to heart that advice given me so freely.

Because we go to meetings when we feel like crap and we leave afterwards feeling good again. 

We go to meetings when we feel good and we leave afterwards feeling even better. 

But when we first arrive in AA we know nothing about the importance of meetings, or anything else about recovery for that matter.

We learn of our need for meetings over time - along with having a sponsor, working through the steps, studying AA literature, getting a home group, doing service work, eventually sponsoring others, and more.  

It's in our early meetings where we - gradually - learn there's more to our recovery than just going to meetings! 

We learn we can't stay sober forever on meetings alone  - important as they are to our ongoing sobriety. 

But it's those early meetings that ground and connect us to AA until we're ready to start the important work of recovery. 

 I had never been a joiner or groupie of any kind (well, maybe there was a rock and roll band member or two back in the day) when I arrived in AA, so being advised to go to 90 meetings in 90 days was both a shock and an impossibility for me at that time. 

I did go to as many meetings as I possibly could, though,

because I was terrified if I didn't I would drink again.

And there's solid reasoning behind the "90 and 90," even if mothers of small children (as I was then) can't always manage it.  

That's because the more meetings we get to, the more people we'll meet and the sooner we'll feel like we're a part of it all - because we WILL be a part of it all.

In AA we soon learn that alcoholism is a chronic, terminal illness busily killing alcoholics around the world just like us every single day. 

Meetings are our medicine and that's not just in our early days, either. 

As we  mature in recovery we get even more benefits from regular meeting attendance.

I can't think of a single excuse for not getting to a meeting in this time of Zoom. 

I also think Zoom meetings are the best infusion of new energy into AA since women started showing up in big numbers in the 1980s.  

The atmosphere of love and service in our meetings can and does (and, in my own case, has) keep us clean and sober for one more day during times when we aren't sure we can even survive one more day. 

We will never, ever, stop being addicted to alcohol. We are forever "one drink away from a drunk."

The longer we stay sober, the easier it is to forget what it was like during those horrific last days of drinking that brought us to AA in the first place.

Going to meetings reawakens our personal memories by giving us an up close and personal view of those shaking, red-eyed, unkempt, angry, frightened newcomers.

We also get to hear from the retreads, those who manage to return after having left AA for another bout of hellish drinking. And I've yet to hear a single one of them stand up and tell us how great it was to get back out there puking their guts up every morning. 

So no matter how busy a life AA gives us in the real world, we must make getting to meetings a priority. Without them we remain at high risk for relapse, no matter how much time we have in our recovery.

I'd be a wealthy woman today if I had just one dollar, or pound, or euro for every time I've heard a retread returning after a slip say:

 "I drank after I quit going to meetings."

Here's some great advice I heard in a meeting not long ago:

"Don't let the life AA gave you take you away from your life in AA."

How can any of us forget we were absolutely unable to quit drinking before we got to Alcoholics Anonymous? We can forget because - unlike us - our disease never forgets. 

And it wants us back. 

Attendance at meetings offers us a chance at a new, fulfilling, and ever-expanding life.

  Meetings give us all the direction, connection and support we need to reach that "life beyond our wildest dreams."

As one of the oldest of AA truisms states: 

"Meeting Makers Make It."

 

Made a Decision

Trudging the Trudge

At the end of the last chapter in our Big Book, "A Vision for You," it says: 

"... and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny."

Notice the author didn't say: "... as you skip along the Road of Happy Destiny." 

The word used was "Trudge." 

It's a valuable and interesting word choice.

Our dictionary tells us that trudge means - "to walk or march steadily and usually laboriously." 

We don't initially see our recovery as a trudge. After all, it's such a relief to be set free from addiction, to have a fellowship of support around us, to bask in each new day of sobriety. 

We will enjoy our pink cloud ride until (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) something happens in our life to shake us loose and - depending on the severity of the cause - either drop us down a notch or straight into a chasm of despair. 

(Or as my brother often says, "We ride the pink cloud until we fall off and hit the pink concrete.")

But, just like when we fall off that proverbial horse, the best thing we can do is to climb right back up onto that pink cloud for another and even longer ride. 

The trick, of course, is in learning how to do that.

Tip - it takes putting into practice more of everything we've learned in recovery so far.

(Prayer helps, too.) 

The school of life, like most schools (including the one called Alcoholics Anonymous), gives us a series of lessons and then we're handed a pop quiz - or - sometimes an even more significant test. 

Afterwards we get to grade ourselves on how well we've done. 

And even if we feel we've let ourselves down a bit, we can look at where we lost the plot and then promise ourselves to do better next time. 

 

That's how we grow and change for the better.

Life Happens. Sometimes it's as yummy as a piece of home-baked cake and we happily stroll along enjoying every bite. 

Sometimes life sucker-punches us in a way we absolutely didn't see coming and knocks us to our knees. 

                                                  Here's the good news: 

   The view from our knees usually offers us a higher view. It is here that we learn we can handle all of life's events in the very same way - with gratitude.

When the going is good we can develop our sense of gratitude by appreciating every good sober day. Living with "no itches to scratch in this moment" is the very definition of that. 

Stay grateful!

When the going is shit, we can practice having gratitude for our sobriety, for having the AA tool kit offering us ways to handle our pain, and for our AA friends who rally around to keep us from plummeting further into depression.

Chopping the bad times into manageable day-at-a-time chunks, while reaching out to our Higher Power for help and guidance, will get us through any and ALL situations that used to send us to the bottle. 

Sometimes we must confront our need for help by admitting to ourselves and to others that we need it. It’s not easy to share the intimate details of our lives, but it is the key to escape from our pain.  

An old saying sums it up: "A trouble shared is a trouble halved," 

The magic in sharing ourselves with others is hard to define, but the healing for everyone involved always follows. 

Every single day someone's recovery begins when one alcoholic shares his or her experience, strength and hope with another. That's the heart and soul of AA at work. 

The same kind of healing continues throughout our "trudge" whenever we share our pain and thereby open ourselves to healing. Love from others will get us through.

Spiritual awakenings come in all shapes and sizes. For some the earth moves right away and for others it can be a long old slog ... but if we stay sober, continue to do-the-doing of recovery to the best of our ability, live to the best of our capability each day  - and stay grateful - we'll get there. 

Our need is God's opportunity. The spiritual path is the best adventure we can ever undertake. Yes, there's some trudging to be done, but it is also filled with discoveries, laughter, amazing revelations, surprises of the best kind, terrific friendships, delightful books, breathtaking moments ... it's the best and highest "high" there is. 

I wish I had realized all of this a lot sooner, but it's here for any of us when we do those first three steps every morning (with heavy emphasis on Step Three), and then get out of our own way. 

                                   Does our trudge on earth ever end? 

                                                 Sure. When we die. 

Until then we will continue to have our valuable and needed "lessons" all throughout our spiritual adventure of recovery. 

And we will always need shared experience, strength, and hope from others who skip and/or trudge along with us on our spiritual path. 

And this remains true regardless of our age or how long we've been sober. 

 

Made A Decision

       Getting a present and just playing with the box is like working the program just enough to stop drinking.

                        

            The Fifth Step ... Admitted!

Step Five - Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Why?

If God knows all our secrets and forgives them, why do we have to hang all our dirty laundry out there in front of another person?

Answer - Because to walk a spiritual path we must learn all about honesty, humility and obedience to a Power greater than us.

Our Higher Power needs us to step out in faith here, because we will otherwise remain as sick as our secrets.

Step Four took courage. Step Five takes guts.

It's one of our most important steps along our spiritual path.

That's because, as my old Geordie Gran often said: "It cleans you ooot."

Gran was talking about castor oil moving the bowels, of course, while I'm talking about getting rid of emotional shit.

But it's the same thing, both are potentially toxic.

And it's never good to hang on to toxins one moment longer than we have to!

Those who have done their Fourth and Fifth steps in quick succession often report on the immediate benefit they received:

Some say they felt "lighter,"

others more "connected" to their recovery,

while many post-5th steppers say they felt "set free."

I felt none of that.

I was disappointed, but at least I was able to tick off another step box I'd "done" in AA and move along to the next. (Box ticking was very important to me at the time.)

I didn't then realize how walled off I still was from my feelings, but it wasn't long after doing my Fourth and Fifth steps that I began experiencing all of them.

Hindsight being 20/20, I eventually connected the dots that having actually done my Fourth and Fifth Steps allowed me to finally feel my feelings.

I didn't like it at first, either. Few of us do. After all, alcohol and other drugs allowed us to shut down our bad and sad feelings, and we used them often for that very purpose.

But our feelings - or emotions - are all gifts from that Greater Power. Getting in touch with them, learning to understand what a gift they really are, is part of healthy recovery.

Some feelings do hurt, of course, but once we've acknowledged them they don't have to be fatal. This includes the ones that really, really, really hurt - because we will have learned so much from them once they're finally in our rear-view mirror.

Learning to be grateful for our feelings (this means all of them) is part of our growth in recovery. We will have to work at this, but - again to quote my old Gran - "Everything worth having takes a wee bit of work."

Bullet Points for Step Five:

1. No one wants to do a Fifth Step. Do it anyway.

2. AA’s founders recommended doing a Fifth Step immediately after getting our Fourth Step down on paper. 

3. Set aside a morning or afternoon with your sponsor, a trusted friend, your priest or rabbi, or anyone you trust (but not a live-in partner) and read your Fourth Step aloud to them. 

4. We are as sick as our secrets. Get everything (ALL of it) out in the open. 

5. Your Higher Power didn’t bring you this far to drop you on your head. Do the most thorough Fifth Step you can. The benefits will very soon reveal themselves to you.

 

Made A Decision

                        All We Need is Love

The old song says - "all we need is love" - and anyone who gets to AA and stays to the finish line will, at some point, come to realize the truth of that lyric. 

But we cannot be loving unless we want to be. 

AA over time gives us the opportunity to develop and further our ability to love.

What does love (the real cosmic deal, not just having a leg over) look like anyway? 

It looks like compassion, caring, laughter, support, education, honesty, experience, and patience. We find all of those in AA - and more besides.

Taking them one by one:

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” 

Compassion understands what someone is feeling and then acts to alleviate their suffering. 

Pity means just feeling sorry, without necessarily understanding or being able to help with another's pain.

 (Many people with aging and suffering pets have lots of pity, but little actual compassion about doing what's best for them.)

Caring - To actively display kindness and concern for others in both words and deeds.

Laughter - We all know a hearty laugh makes us feel better and there's plenty of laughter to be had in AA. Here's why laughing is good for us: 

It decreases stress hormones and increases both immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies. 

Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals that promote an overall sense of well-being. Laughter can even temporarily relieve pain.

Support - as in emotional support - the act of showing that you believe someone, or something, is good or acceptable. The act of giving love, encouragement, etc. We don't always receive that from those family members who don't have our illness, but we find it in abundance in our AA "family."

Education - We encourage knowledge of the 12-step recovery process as found in our literature. Everything we need to stay sober and have the best quality of life will be found there.

Honesty - to be trustworthy and loyal. 

Honesty (truthfulness) is a facet of moral character that promotes positive and virtuous attributes, like integrity and straightforwardness, in speech and conduct. 

Honesty also means the absence of lying, cheating, theft, and so on. 

Experience - In AA we receive practical advice on living sober lives based on the personal life experience of AA members before and after their road in recovery. The AA message does not carry itself; somebody must carry it. Our active (and happiest) members do just that!

Patience - being able to bear provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain without complaint, loss of temper or irritation. 

A willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay. Being able to have patience with reluctant, rebellious or slow learners. 

And now let's think for a moment about love as a power, as a force, and how we see it on display all the time in AA. Just consider the nervous newcomer arriving at their first AA meeting, how they are met with love in action. 

That newcomer arrives after years of being told by society, friends and family (and even by themselves on those horrible hungover mornings) that they're a total fuck up. That they need to stop drinking. That they are weak, bad, stupid, have no discipline, and are someone who should be able to do better. 

 

Then, at their very first meeting, the newcomer is told they are the most important person there! That we in AA have found a solution for our own drinking problem that can work for them, too. 

That we are not weak or undisciplined people, but rather people suffering from a chronic and terminal illness.

They learn we Alcoholics are not bad people, we are just sick people seeking to get well. 

The newcomer is enthusiastically made welcome by everyone there. We love bomb them! That LOVE is the compelling factor in any decision they make to keep coming back. 

The Hazelden Foundation puts it this way:

I will practice love, because lack of love will block the way. I will try to see good in all people, those I like and also those who fret me and go against the grain. They are all children of God. 

I will try to give love ... because the more love I give away, the more I will have.

We don't criticize people in AA, we look for the good in them and there is something good to be found in anyone. Our job is to find that good and bring it out, to bring out their best. 

We encourage the good qualities in our fellow members and ignore everything else. 

Because no one is converted by criticism. 

People respond best to love.

 What is spoken with love is always free from selfishness or negativity and has a powerful effect on others.

Words spoken with love they can actually inspire change in others. 

My first sponsor taught me the importance of "I" messages versus "you" messages and I've never forgotten her wisdom. 

A "you" message is when we say to someone "To stay sober YOU need to do such and such." 

An "I" message is when we say, "I have learned how to stay sober by doing such and such ...."

The "you message" is all about control. 

The "I message" is all about sharing love.

The bottom line is, the goal, as I recently read in a wonderful anonymous quote: 

It's none of my business what you think of me. 

It's my business what I think of you, and I love you.

If you happen to love me back it's a plus.

So you can add to my life, but you can't take away.

I'm not trading with you. 

I love you.

Period.

 

Made a Decision

                          Character Defects

We all have them, those pesky character defects that bedevil us, especially when we're trying to be soooooooo good. 

In our Step Work we identify them and ask for them to be removed. We feel like they are. Then, to our shock, we suddenly find ourselves once again being resentful, or petty, or furious, or spitting out lies, or ...  so what's going on???

My theory - and it's only that - my theory is once we've identified our character defects and ask for their removal, our Higher Power does indeed do so, but in His own time. They only get removed once He's sure we mean it by our doing a lot of work in that area ourselves.That's how it has worked in my own recovery anyway.

The only problem I've ever had almost immediately lifted from me - and it was the Queen of them all - was my craving for alcohol and other mind-altering drugs.

All the rest of my identified character defects have been removed only as a cooperative effort between me and my Higher Power, with plenty of effort required from my end.

 They have taken time to be removed because all of them were well ingrained habits - some of them dating way back to my toddlerhood.

Here are just some that we might be wrestling with: resentment; anger; fear; cowardice; self pity; self justification; egotism; self condemnation (guilt); lying; dishonesty; evasiveness; impatience; hate; false pride; phoniness; denial; jealousy; envy; 'busy-ness'; being unreliable; laziness; procrastination; insincerity; negative thinking; immoral thinking; criticizing; gossip; greed ... it's pretty easy to see that probably none of these are up for a quick fix!

And sometimes - even after doing a thorough fourth and fifth step - we may still have not yet identified an ongoing problem that's keeping us from living our best life. This comes under the heading of "More will be revealed," BTW. ( And it will!) 

One of mine was "busy-ness." I lived my life on fast forward, never giving myself a moment for myself to contemplate what my Higher Power might want for me other than my working myself to death.

My Higher Power finally clued me in by sending me the word "balance." That word kept popping up everywhere for me for months.

If I turned on the radio I'd hear about living "a balanced life." If I sat on the loo there'd be a box of detergent nearby claiming it offered "a balanced washing." When I turned a page in a novel there would characters trying to balance their emotions. 

The ongoing bombardment of the word "balance" got so obvious even I couldn't miss it! Clearly my HP wanted me to get more balance in my life. I've been working to achieve it ever since.

There is a time for everything. We must learn to wait patiently until the right time comes. Easy does it. 

BALANCE.

We waste our energies trying to get things before we are ready to have them, before we have earned the right to receive them. A great lesson we have to learn is how to wait with patience. 

BALANCE.

All our life is a preparation for something better to come when we have earned the right to it. 

BALANCE.

 God has a plan for us that will work out in the fullness of time. I know this. I don't doubt this. I know that patience equals BALANCE, but I also remember my children used to say, "Mom has all the patience of a boiling tea kettle." 

Sadly, BALANCE (and patience) remain a struggle ... but little by slowly I'm getting better at it. 

(Feel free to remind me of all the above the next time you hear me whining about not getting something I want - when I want it.)

I'm not the only one who gets life-changing messages from our Higher Power. One of my sponsees was given the phrase "Mind your head." It was a life-changing moment for her. She heard it and recognized for the first time that it was not alcohol that got her in trouble. It was her thinking - that took her to alcohol - that got her in trouble. 

Another AA friend came to the sudden (and accurate) realization that if he didn't do service work to keep AA alive and healthy, who would? 

These kinds of life-changing "Aha moments" happen to us all in recovery. Over time we come to recognize them on arrival. But many of mine have arrived as something of a surprise. 

These have included:

           (1) Becoming aware - over and over and over - that today, this day, is really (really!) the only day we need to be concerned about. This awareness followed a long period of time when my thoughts were more: "One day at a time? Yeah, yeah, when I find the time."

            (2)  That people have, do, and will die from our disease when they give up on AA, and what I say and do can make a difference in someone staying or leaving. We learn this painful lesson by wishing we had followed through on a phone call we had thought about making to an AA friend (say Ralph R.) one Friday, but didn't. 

We will never forget how we felt when the following week someone asks us, "Did you know Ralph R. commited suicide over the weekend?" 

           (3) Kindness really matters. 

           (4) That every sober member in AA is a walking, talking miracle. We're not dealing with a headache here. We're being relieved - daily - of a chronic, terminal and fatal illness.

            (5) That I will never walk on water and can only hope for spiritual progress and never perfection. (My first sponsor once suggested it was time for me to back away from my pile of spiritual books for a bit and read a trashy novel.) 

BALANCE! 

           (6) That for much of my life I neither liked nor trusted women. And when you are a woman who doesn't like women, you're going to have some serious self-esteem issues. Happily, a Fourth and Fifth Step on this one huge issue changed everything. I wouldn't take a million diamonds for my relationship with any one of my female friends today.

As the wonderful writer Melody Beattie once wrote: "This process of growth and change takes us along an ever-changing road. Ever changing, always interesting, always leading someplace better, someplace good." 

In life we form habits and then these habits begin to form us. Staying sober requires us to develop new habits, and new patterns of living. We learn how to do it by doing it.

 Long-term happiness is not the by-product of short-term gratification.