Made a Decision

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          Masks  (Are not just about Halloween).    

"One of the quickest ways to become exhausted is by suppressing your feelings." 

Sue Patton Thoele, Author

Most of us didn't even know what a feeling was when we got into recovery. After all, we had spent years in a bottle hiding from them.

I didn't know how sick I was when I got to AA until I started getting better. Discovering and experiencing more feelings than just "rage" or "anger" was an important, terrifying, exhilarating and fear-inducing part of my early recovery. I wouldn't want to live through that experience again - but I'm glad I went through it. It allowed me to stay sober.

 Learning to once again feel our feelings allows us to reclaim the sensitivity we once knew as small children.

When we wall off our feelings, to the point where we don't know what we actually feel, we tend to study those around us and borrow their behaviors. Through imitation we can then create a mask to wear so we can look good on the outside, no matter what's going on inside. 

Our masks can take many forms. Sometimes we design one that feels like a good fit and we stick with it. Others, those of us who are especially insecure, slip and slide between masks by wearing whichever one feels right at a particular moment.

Here are some examples:

The "Looking Good" mask: 

Wearers of this mask are glib talkers, manipulative, self-centered, humourous, deceitful, and (because their mask hides their darker side), they can often be quite delightful to be around. They have charm to spare. They are also able to appear far more put together than they actually are.

Behind this mask is an angry frightened person who suffers from a sense of entitlement. This mask is prone to slip when the wearer doesn't get what they want when they want it. 

(Note: I wore this mask when I first arrived in AA ... and for a long time afterward.) 

The "I am Angry and will Keep You at Arm's Length No Matter What," mask." 

These mask wearers can be victims or bullies, or both. They manipulate through temper tantrums and by pulling away before others can retaliate. They have been hurt in the past and expect to be hurt today and in the future. They keep their guard up against that possibility. 

They sometimes behave in ways that make them hard to love as a way to keep others at arm's length. Behind their mask they are lonely, confused and sad.

(Note: I wore this mask a lot when I arrived in AA, too. I was as much fun to be around then as broken glass.)

The wearer of the: "I am Helpful, Cheerful, Nurturing, Warm, and Kind" mask 

is often furious behind it.

 They wear their "nice" face to conceal - and control - their anger. They believe if they show their real feelings, people won't like them and they'll be abandoned. 

These mask wearers are usually women, but men are not exempt and will wear it if it feels comfortable. 

(Note: I've worn this mask, too, especially in relationships.)

"The Victim" mask is unattractive and obvious, but many of us wear it anyway. When still drinking these mask wearers believed if others would treat them better they wouldn't have to drink. After sobriety they learn this isn't true, but they don't feel able to take the mask off, so they find other ways to remain victims. 

They say things like, "this is too hard," "I can't do it," "if only people would be nicer to me," ... etc.

Lurking behind the mask is a control freak seeking sympathy. The good news is - over time in AA - we learn to take responsibility for our own actions and become victims no more.

(Note: Standing on our own hind legs is a far better place to be. I know this for sure, because I once wore this mask, too ... and it fit perfectly.)

There are many more masks worn by us, but you get the idea ... 

and taking them off isn't easy. It takes time to develop enough trust to believe that removing them won't make our lives worse. 

Our society constantly sells the idea that everything should be easy and, moreover, instant. We demand instant solutions to problems and feel like failures even when we're making slow and steady progress toward solutions. 

I must admit, though, that sometimes when I begin to think I might finally have a handle on things, a new challenge can pop up to shake up what I thought I had already learned.

 It's called "growth," and it often seems that new challenges are just the "reward" for work done (she said, grumpily). I don't always like it (clearly), but I don't want to stay stuck either. I've been stuck during my recovery a time or two. It's far worse than growth!

Give time, time.

Brick by brick we slowly build a foundation for our long-term recovery.

It isn't easy to change habits, responses and beliefs about ourselves. It takes effort. But one good tool for doing so is to change the language we use about ourselves, to listen to our self-talk and change it to something more upbeat. To start using success words when we think and talk about ourselves. 

Here are a few: confident, courageous, understanding, accepting, goal-oriented, creative, loving, thorough, honest, attractive, strong, willing, open-minded, persistent, determined and faithful. You'll think of even more when you start to use some of these to  begin seeing yourself in a more positive way. 

As a recovering addict you are not "different," you have a health problem and you are working on it. You are also a very nice person - believe it!

Today is all the time there is. Nobody but ourselves can keep us from using it well. If we can work to make this a good day, tomorrow will be even better. Staying preoccupied with thoughts of grievances and troubles can ruin what could have been a great day.

I now live - and have often lived - with teenagers. They are lovely, bright, funny, and talented - part of the time. And part of the time they are bad-tempered, self-centered, pains in the ass. Over time their better qualities become stronger and their more negative ones become less and less. That's called maturing.

When we start using alcohol/drugs when young, we don't mature. We behave like teenagers. But life lessons can not be ducked. When we sober up we'll have to go through our "teens" in our 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s (on up). 

And we will make mistakes. 

It will be hard. 

We won't like it. 

So what?

What's the alternative? To remain undeveloped as a person? Is that really an option for someone as bright, funny, lovely and courageous as you are?

Isolation isn't the answer. We can't escape the company of others by feeling like they are out to get us. No one is out to get us. The people we meet in AA are often still emotional teenagers, too. And they'll sometimes behave that way. 

AA is all about growing up and loving our lives. We do that by helping one another get through that same - often painful - process. Your Higher Power is standing by to help you evaluate your social situations. 

To shed our masks we must learn to drop our guard a bit. If someone hurts us, our best option is to think about why we are feeling hurt instead of blaming them for our pain. Was it an intentional hurt? Usually it's not. Quite often the person involved (in or out of AA) was just being an emotional "teenager."

We grow and change in our commitment to recovery, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes joyfully and occasionally uncomfortably. But as we stay sober, grow we will. 

And that's a good thing. Discovering who we are is an adventure. Taking off our masks can be as exhilarating as skydiving. 

(Sometimes as terrifying, too, but the rewards offer a terrific high). 

Best of all, our Higher Power is right there in the thick of it to help us become our best me.  We so easily forget that and continue trying to think our way through life's challenges when, with HP's guidance, we can learn to live our way through them. 

Have a look in a mirror and tell yourself that people love you, want to know you and to hang out with you. Start believing it. 

It's true, you know. 

When we daily do-the-doing of recovery we look and act far better than we did when living a masked-up Halloween life.

                            

                                                     

                               

 

Made A Decision

(36)

The Problem Is Always Me

What???   

I'M the problem??? 

I don't think so!!!

After all ...

HE fired me! ... SHE stole my savings! ... HE never stops yelling at me ... SHE is spreading lies about me ... HE's the one having the affair ... SHE won't believe me ... HE broke his promise ... She's my sister and treats me like dirt ... My father lied to me ...  It was a secret and SHE blabbed ... 

We can play that blame game forever, but if we want emotional sobriety - aka: serenity - we may want to look at what our AA program teaches us.

Like this from the 12&12:

 "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

And this from the Big Book:

“ ...  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.”

In the American AA magazine The Grapevine, 

Bill W. himself was quoted as saying:

"If we examine every disturbance we have, great

or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities.

"Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to twelfth-step ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety."

Yeah, sure. Easy for Saint Bill to say, but not so easy to do if you're just a struggling drunk like me.

 But remember, it was "Saint Bill" who actually wrote those words we hear at every meeting: "We are NOT saints." 

So we'll have to step back here and remember that Bill W. - who gave us so much - was a garden variety drunk just like all the rest of us. 

Sure he was inspired - many say God inspired - when he and Dr. Bob put our incredible program of recovery together.  And there is no doubt both men were highly intelligent, strong-minded, high-achieving individuals.

 But the same can be said of many other AA members. 

The difference is, our founders recognized that to stay sober they had to let go of any hint of being victims.

When we were still ignorant about addiction we were victims of its power, but we are no longer victims. No matter what we've lived through, we're still here. That makes us survivors who are now working on becoming better people. Our history itself has taken us from victimhood to victory. 

By climbing our steps of recovery we get to the places offering life's finest views. 

So the moment we fall back into old behaviors and start playing the blame game it's time to rein ourselves in. We do it by looking at our part in whatever situation is causing us unrest.

 

Because, clearly, the statement - "Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us" - offers no loopholes. 

Regardless of what is happening around us, or to us, we have the responsibility to look only at our part. Others may seem unreasonable, but - just as holding onto resentments is dangerous for us - so is holding onto the blame game. 

We must own our part in any life problems we're experiencing.

                                     Easy to do? 

                                           Nope.

But when we do our Tenth Step nightly inventory we will start to see our part in our problems with others. It is where we learn we must stop judging others and ourselves. 

So put your stick away - the one you beat yourself up with - and start acknowledging you have good qualities, too. 

(Yes, this means you).

We are not always in the wrong, but our self-respect will be enhanced every time we act on the phrase: "... when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

Our Tenth Step work teaches us the person who is upsetting us the most is our best teacher!!! Our goal is to mentally thank that person for offering us so much to learn about ourselves. 

(I'll be working on this one till the day I die, but I'm better at it than I used to be. Progress, not perfection).

The 12&12 states that everyone, even us,"Are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong," and urges us to develop tolerance so we can learn "... what real love for our fellows actually means."

When we don't learn from our mistakes we remain driven by them. Freedom is the absolute discovery of the joy to be found in living our own way - but in a better way.  

Freedom is actually obedience to our inner Higher Self, the One seeking expression through us. 

The program of AlAnon, made up of those amazing souls who have to deal with us drunks (wet or dry), while maintaining their own peace of mind, teaches that everyone is to some extent emotionally ill.

One of the AlAnon sayings is: 

"Don't take anyone's inventory but your own."

It's great advice! 

 

Do you know anyone who is physically, mentally or spiritually perfect? I don't and I don't expect I ever will.  So if "they" aren't perfect and "we" aren't perfect, how can we expect emotional sobriety unless we learn to cut everyone some slack? 

The best way I've found is to begin treating others as I would like them to treat me - as that high-valued metal "rule"suggests. It's pretty much the gold standard for finding emotional sobriety.

 

Made a Decision

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                         Staying Sober in the Tough Times

  

Recovery can feel wonderful, especially in early recovery where we can often sail happily along, get to meetings, hang out with our AA buds, do our step work, talk with our sponsor, embrace prayer and even sometimes dip our toes into meditation.

Recovery, even long term recovery, can feel wonderful too, because after a while we relax a bit. We now know for sure this AA thing works and that it's the best thing that's ever happened for us. We share our program with confidence. Life is good and just keeps on getting better.

Even so, being obsessives, we often can project a painful future for ourselves. We can worry ourselves crazy about things that may never happen. 

Living in the moment, living One Day at a Time, is the best way to keep those "What Ifs" at bay.

But what about when we're suffering from something other than our built-in, often-negative, thoughts? What about when bad things actually do happen to good people like us or our loved ones? What do we do then? 

We do the same things we do during recovery's good times. We pray. We meditate. We call our friends. We go to meetings (lots of meetings), we study our AA literature for answers, and we share our pain with others.

We are - all of us - 'spiritual beings having a human experience,' and part of that human experience includes pain and loss. 

 Parents die, friends die, siblings die, sometimes our children die (or remain estranged). Pets get killed in the road, our house burns to the ground, we're told we have cancer, we're made redundant at work, a loved one leaves us for another, a traffic accident leaves us physically broken, a loved one commits suicide, violence arrives to shatter our world - the list for trauma goes on ...  It isn't selective. I've experienced eight of the above circumstances during my sober years. Others have stayed sober having experienced far worse. 

Sometimes our painful events arrive in batches, sometimes in just one single horrific life-changing episode. We will all experience pain and loss at some point in our sobriety. It's a given. We can't head that off, but by continuing to grow in our recovery, we will be able to handle whatever shows up.

And when those dark days arrive we must pick ourselves up off the ground and go to more meetings to share our pain. We talk with our sponsors. We lean on the support of our friends in the program (and others) who show up for us in our time of need. We cry, sometimes we wail ... we hurt ... but we don't drink.

There is nothing that can happen to us that taking a drink won't make worse. 

Sober we can set aside our own suffering to reach out to others who are suffering still more. We can be there for a dying friend or family member, we can cheer them with our presence or hold their hand as they leave us. We can be the rock for others to lean on.

It took pain for us to surrender our alcoholism to a power greater than ourselves. That experience taught us God seldom becomes a reality until God becomes a necessity. 

Painful as our present time may be, we will one day see how the experience itself brought us spiritual testing, healing, and then growth. We will learn that God is with us through all the events of our lives, from healing a paper cut to mending a shattered heart. All we have to do is ask.

In AA we learn how to turn to our Higher Power for the strength we need during the hard times. When we share our pain in a meeting we can hear God's voice in the responses of those there. We feel His comfort in the love and concern of our friends. 

I was once told that every time I went to a meeting when I didn't want to go, when I reached out to a still suffering alcoholic during a time when I'd rather just hide in bed with the covers over my head, when I'd look only at my part in whatever wrongs I thought were being done to me by others - in other words, when I would continue to do-the-doing no matter what - I would be paying into an AA insurance policy that would pay back dividends during life's tough times.

That insurance policy has paid me back a hundredfold over the years. Prayers I made in the good times came back to lift me over the bad times. Friends I made in all those meetings were there for me, front and centre, when I needed them most.  

It's all too easy to forget we have a mental illness. It's the third component in our spiritual and physical one. So even when things are peachy-keen we can go to bed feeling on top of the world and wake up the next morning wanting to kill someone - perhaps even ourselves.

I recently heard someone say they had one day of sobriety, this day - but they also had managed decades of sobriety by practicing each day on how to keep it. I love that! 

We really do only have today's sobriety, but the longer we stay sober the more we learn that it's really true that the bad stuff - whatever it is - will pass. All we have to do is hang in there and continue to do - and be strengthened by - what we know works. 

             

We need to understand our alcoholism and we learn that from studying our Big Book and the 12&12. We learn there that we suffer from a chronic, terminal illness and we learn what to do to keep it under control. 

When our recovery feels painful it can indicate a need for more step work, sponsor time, reaching out to AA friends, or for the very real "fix" of more meetings. Meetings are medicine to help treat our mental illness. 

With zoom meetings now available 24/7 around the world, we can get to our "clinic" whenever we need to. If you are hurting in your life today - Go!

                         

      

                 

 

Made a Decision

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SLOW-briety

Alcoholism is a progressive illness, a play in three acts of social drinking, troubled drinking, and merry-go-round drinking.

(I went into troubled drinking right out of the gate and only got off the merry-go-round when I stumbled into AA)

As drinkers we often land in hospitals or jails. We may lose our homes, families, jobs and self-respect - but, despite all this, we keep on drinking.

The final act can find us in an insane asylum, prison, the morgue - or by finding a way to live in total abstinence from all mind-altering chemicals, including the deadly drug ethanol found in booze.

Most alcoholics on the abstinence train get on board in AA, but I recently heard that only one in every 26 of us stay for the long haul. And I already knew that most alcoholics never even get to AA to have a shot at it.

What about you?

Will you be the one in 26 who holds to their decision to never take that first drink no matter what?

Will you realize the most important possession you have is your sobriety? So much so that you'll do whatever it takes to keep it?

That's where "working the program" comes in.

That's when every single day we again make that decision to stay sober.

That's when we do the steps; and then do them again whenever a second look is needed;

and when we carry the message to others;

when we have a sponsor; a home group;

and when we practice, practice, practice "living the program" by daily using the tools of recovery.

That's when the changes not only start to happen - they continue happening.

Good news - it gets easier with practice!

 

Toddlers don't learn to walk by giving up the first, second, or even hundredth time they fall onto their little nappy-padded baby butts. They pull themselves up and practice, practice, practice this walking thing again and again.

Top athletes, musicians, artists, dancers, etc. only get to be the best by practice, practice, practice.

We must practice living life on God's terms, too! Then, just like a rosebud, we will slowly open up, petal by petal, to a new and better life. We become beautiful in recovery (and we smell good, too!)

When we drank and/or drugged for years or even decades we shouldn't expect to change overnight the behaviors that got us to our point of desperation. But we often DO expect it and become frustrated when it doesn't happen immediately. Many will give up and drink over it.

Bur when a mega-ton ship going at top speed has to come to a stop, it takes roughly 1.8 miles to manage it. Just like bringing that kind of tonnage to where it can safely change course, it takes us time and distance to be comfortable with our new direction for living. 

There's momentum to deal with for starters. Alcoholics are notorious for living life on fast forward. We are excitement junkies. And when adrenaline is one of the few drugs left to us, we'll often ramp up its use.

Doubt it?

Do you regularly leave the house five minutes or more later than you should to get somewhere on time? Even knowing how long it takes to get there? Do you then drive impatiently through traffic, fume at stoplights, take chances when overtaking ... and finally arrive right on time after downing shot after shot of that pure adrenaline? 

Many of us do just that, until we learn that our home-grown adrenaline (like any other drug when abused) is truly bad for us.

It takes time to "become a human being and not just a human doing."

It takes time to change behaviors that used to work for us, but no longer do. 

It takes time to let go of high drama and become comfortable with serenity. 

So relax and just keep doing-the-doing. When we don't drink, go to meetings and work the program to the best of our ability, recovery will prevail.

I wrote the following about some of these thoughts just recently:

The Narrowing Way (OKay Jackson, 11 September, 2021)

The highway is broad at the start, wide and encompassing.

A welcome home moment, one filled with relief.

No garments are rendered, no ashes, no fasting

Just a few simple steps, quite easy and brief.

A new way to live, one of hope and of glory

But trust me on this, there's more to this story.

We'll find us a sponsor for guidance and teaching,

and that’s how we learn to rely on another,

First sponsor, then God, with minimum preaching

To share what we've learned with each other.

Not ‘cause we want to, it’s just that we must.

That's how we learn that in God we must trust.

Truth-telling, while sharing, get us quite far,

While resentments bring dangers that breed.

Secrets now sicken and anger's the bar

where our negatives all go to feed.

One by one we release them, letting go of anxiety.

Our path becomes clearer, we just want sobriety.

Days become weeks, weeks become months,

And the more we examine, the more there's disclosure.

“It’s all good,” we say. "It's good on all fronts.

These lessons we've learnt that are keeping us sober."

Soon we will sponsor and teach what we've learned.

Passing to others what we've gratefully earned.

Against all the odds we have found our life's place,

With miracles seen as routine.

The hand of AA brought us to this safe space,

(Where our strongest drug now is caffeine).

And God talk that's shared is no longer a platitude,

It's the source of our hope and the roots of our gratitude.

 

 

Made A Decision

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                                   The Hand of AA 

"Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them."

The above quote in our Big Book chapter The Family Afterward is perhaps the motivator for AA's mission statement, first heard at the 1965 AA International Convention in Toronto, Canada: 

“I am Responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.” 

Have you taken that to heart? 

Has it become part of your AA experience?

 Do you step up to help your home group, your friends in recovery, and the suffering newcomer? 

If not, you are not only ignoring a key and important part of your continuing recovery - you are missing the best thing AA has to offer apart from your sobriety.

In 1990 our World Service Office put it this way:

"When I talk with a newcomer to A.A., my past looks me straight in the face. I see the pain in those hopeful eyes, I extend my hand, and then the miracle happens: I become healed. My problems vanish as I reach out to his trembling soul."

Powerful - even poetic - words, but the experience of helping an alcoholic out of the sea of suffering and safely onto dry land, IS powerful.  It is the stuff of miracles. 

It is why we are sober and it's the foundation for our own continuing recovery. 

It is the ultimate God Job, the one our Higher Power has assigned us.

In my early recovery I felt inadequate for doing 12-step work, but I did it anyway. I wasn't given a choice. There were very few sober women in my community at that time, so whenever a call came in from a woman alcoholic I was taken along with a more seasoned male AA member to let her know her problem had a solution.

I wasn't grateful for those opportunities then, but I am today. They gave me an up-close-and-personal view of  the late-stage horrors of our disease. They taught me compassion. They gave me an education on how a 12-step call should be handled. They bolstered my shaky courage. And they kept me sober. 

One woman called me a few days after we had visited her. At her request I returned to talk with her alone (an AA 12-step no-no). She told me she didn't want to attend meetings, but instead - radiating her agonizing alcoholic loneliness - she wanted to pay me to come over every evening and keep her company! 

I told her I couldn't accept her offer, but that I'd be there to take her to a meeting that very night.

When I picked her up later she was very, very drunk. But I, in my desire to fix her (all eagerness without experience), practically forced her into my car. 

Once at the AA clubhouse she did her best to turn the meeting itself into a shambles, but more seasoned AA members took her aside to another room for a quiet talk. 

And they then took her home after the meeting. 

I suspect my enthusiasm was perhaps then seen as a liability, but no one actually said so. I was only told (reminded!) it was best to not go on 12-step calls alone in future.

 I probably did some good every now and then in early recovery despite myself. But, perhaps more importantly, I learned where any talents I might actually have could best be used for helping others. 

I've never really had any talent for doing 12-step work with drunks who haven't yet taken the First Step, but that's OK. Many others do. 

I've always done better working with members who want what AA has to offer.

 We all have 12-step gifts:  

Some of us are great sponsors. Others are terrific at making a newcomer in a meeting feel at ease. 

Many of us have the energy to start and keep a new meeting going. 

I've known members who always contact members they haven't seen in a while, just to let them know they are needed and missed. 

Others are organization-minded and take on the home group burdens of secretary, treasurer, GSO - or making sure the coffee, tea and biscuits are ready-and-waiting at in-person meetings. 

These abilities for service work, and many more, are what keep AA dynamic and able to continue meeting its primary purpose  - to help other alcoholics get, and stay, sober. 

Our reward for applying our abilities inside our program is, first and foremost, a strengthened ability to stay sober ourselves. 

The second, and perhaps greater reward, is to see those around us become the people their Higher Power intended them to be all along.

But, just as when we make our personal 9th step amends, it doesn't matter how the other person receives it. 

What matters is that we've done our part to clean up our side of the street. 

The same is true when we've reached the hand of AA to a newcomer who then doesn't stay sober. 

We've offered, they've  refused. Not our fault. 

(Our job then becomes to warmly welcome them back if they return.)

I think we are all just Godbits - pieces of a larger spiritual body - so the people I meet are as close to my hanging out with God as I get to experience here on earth. Since we're all in various stages of our own spiritual growth, this applies even to those people I find hard to like. 

They are after all - like me - a work in progress. 

At the end of our lives we don't get to take any material thing with us. It won't matter then what our bank balance looks like or how lush our homes are. 

But every spiritual book I've ever read assures me that on our final journey we get to take along those things we have given away.

If we have helped others, that goes in our suitcase. If we have given time and money for the good of AA and others, we can pack that, too, right there beside the good deeds we've done (and not told anyone about). 

Your gifts, your story, and your recovery are unique.  AA needs what you - and you only - have to offer. 

When you reach your hand out to help another alcoholic you are doing the work of - and for - your Higher Power.

Keep reaching ...