OKaysez

 

Made A Decision

(36)

The Problem Is Always Me

What???   

I'M the problem??? 

I don't think so!!!

After all ...

HE fired me! ... SHE stole my savings! ... HE never stops yelling at me ... SHE is spreading lies about me ... HE's the one having the affair ... SHE won't believe me ... HE broke his promise ... She's my sister and treats me like dirt ... My father lied to me ...  It was a secret and SHE blabbed ... 

We can play that blame game forever, but if we want emotional sobriety - aka: serenity - we may want to look at what our AA program teaches us.

Like this from the 12&12:

 "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

And this from the Big Book:

“ ...  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.”

In the American AA magazine The Grapevine, 

Bill W. himself was quoted as saying:

"If we examine every disturbance we have, great

or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities.

"Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to twelfth-step ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety."

Yeah, sure. Easy for Saint Bill to say, but not so easy to do if you're just a struggling drunk like me.

 But remember, it was "Saint Bill" who actually wrote those words we hear at every meeting: "We are NOT saints." 

So we'll have to step back here and remember that Bill W. - who gave us so much - was a garden variety drunk just like all the rest of us. 

Sure he was inspired - many say God inspired - when he and Dr. Bob put our incredible program of recovery together.  And there is no doubt both men were highly intelligent, strong-minded, high-achieving individuals.

 But the same can be said of many other AA members. 

The difference is, our founders recognized that to stay sober they had to let go of any hint of being victims.

When we were still ignorant about addiction we were victims of its power, but we are no longer victims. No matter what we've lived through, we're still here. That makes us survivors who are now working on becoming better people. Our history itself has taken us from victimhood to victory. 

By climbing our steps of recovery we get to the places offering life's finest views. 

So the moment we fall back into old behaviors and start playing the blame game it's time to rein ourselves in. We do it by looking at our part in whatever situation is causing us unrest.

 

Because, clearly, the statement - "Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us" - offers no loopholes. 

Regardless of what is happening around us, or to us, we have the responsibility to look only at our part. Others may seem unreasonable, but - just as holding onto resentments is dangerous for us - so is holding onto the blame game. 

We must own our part in any life problems we're experiencing.

                                     Easy to do? 

                                           Nope.

But when we do our Tenth Step nightly inventory we will start to see our part in our problems with others. It is where we learn we must stop judging others and ourselves. 

So put your stick away - the one you beat yourself up with - and start acknowledging you have good qualities, too. 

(Yes, this means you).

We are not always in the wrong, but our self-respect will be enhanced every time we act on the phrase: "... when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

Our Tenth Step work teaches us the person who is upsetting us the most is our best teacher!!! Our goal is to mentally thank that person for offering us so much to learn about ourselves. 

(I'll be working on this one till the day I die, but I'm better at it than I used to be. Progress, not perfection).

The 12&12 states that everyone, even us,"Are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong," and urges us to develop tolerance so we can learn "... what real love for our fellows actually means."

When we don't learn from our mistakes we remain driven by them. Freedom is the absolute discovery of the joy to be found in living our own way - but in a better way.  

Freedom is actually obedience to our inner Higher Self, the One seeking expression through us. 

The program of AlAnon, made up of those amazing souls who have to deal with us drunks (wet or dry), while maintaining their own peace of mind, teaches that everyone is to some extent emotionally ill.

One of the AlAnon sayings is: 

"Don't take anyone's inventory but your own."

It's great advice! 

 

Do you know anyone who is physically, mentally or spiritually perfect? I don't and I don't expect I ever will.  So if "they" aren't perfect and "we" aren't perfect, how can we expect emotional sobriety unless we learn to cut everyone some slack? 

The best way I've found is to begin treating others as I would like them to treat me - as that high-valued metal "rule"suggests. It's pretty much the gold standard for finding emotional sobriety.