Made A Decision
Peace with self is the treasure beyond measure.
Balance
My definition of balance is being able to obsess equally in all areas of my life.
I read that above quote recently and, while it made me chuckle, it also felt waaaaay too close to the mark. Because the need to create a balanced life has been the one big challenging recurring theme of my entire time in recovery.
My Higher Power clued me it would be so during my very first sober year, because the word "balance" was everywhere.
If I turned on the radio, I'd find a lecture about "living in a more BALANCED way."
If I sat on the toilet there would be a box of detergent nearby bearing words printed in big bold letters: "For a BALANCED washing ..."
A television program offered, "... watch in amazement as this man BALANCES on the thin wire between these skyscrapers ..."
A bank statement gave notice of a new and easy way to BALANCE my account …
And so on.
Fuzzy as my head was that first year, even I couldn't miss my HP’s message saying I needed more BALANCE in my life.
So, what does a balanced life look like?
It looks calm, centered and comfortable. It shows up when we use A.A.’s tool kit to develop our spiritual, physical and mental health and eventually even adopting habits associated with healthy living, like eating well, exercising (preferably out in the open air) and getting enough sleep.
We use ALL the tools of recovery - from step work to book study groups - to develop and keep our balance.
Avoiding the busy-ness of ALWAYS doing too much is one component.
Remembering the A.A. advice to H.A.L.T. - not allowing ourselves to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired - is another.
Alcoholics are too often excitement junkies, creating or seeking stress to boost our built-in drug, adrenaline. We use caffeine the same way. Achieving serenity isn't easily done when we're all jazzed up on either.
Balance can be achieved, and is worth the effort, but it remains subject to change as our conditions change. We are now - and always - (like that high-wire walker between buildings) in need of staying balanced (despite sudden gusts of wind).
Let's say our A.A. life has restored our family to us, and we again have a good job, along with a strong support system in our A.A. friends. We have regained respect in our community. All is good!
But then … we are diagnosed with a medical problem; our child overdoses on drugs; we learn a friend has gossiped about us; our company goes bust; our job gone; divorce papers arrive … What then?
How do we retain balance through these kinds of situations?
First, we check in with the Boss, the Top Guy, Amazing Grace, God, YANA (You Are Not Alone), or whatever we chose to call our Higher Power. We can complain there for a bit (God can take it) before surrendering the problem to our HP by asking for help.
We talk with our sponsor and our known-to-be-trustworthy A.A. friends. We'll step up our number of meetings and will talk there - honestly - about what's going on with us.
We may whine for a bit to God, and our friends, but then must get off the pity pot before it becomes our permanent habitat.
Besides (after using all our A.A. tools), we're ready to face whatever facts must be faced - and dealt with - about our changed situation.
That's our A.A. solution for every single life problem we will encounter in recovery. That's how we learn to live life on life's terms ... or ... as I prefer to think of it, live life on God's terms.
Fast forward now, one sober day at a time, when suddenly - to our amazement - old age arrives with a whole new set of adjustments to be made. We suddenly find ourselves unable to do daily tasks formerly so easy we never gave them a thought.
Finding our balance in the strange (and often hilarious) new world of hard-of-hearing, hard to remember, hard to get up from a chair, hard to walk very far, hard to even sweep the floor ... takes a lot of new adjustments.
(Seeing that Old Woman in the mirror where I’m supposed to see me takes even more!)
Finding the balance - when losing it can mean a broken hip - takes a good bit of getting used to!
It's also hard to know how much of our "hand of A.A." is still required of us. How much should now be handed off to younger members, so they can also gain every benefit from our wonderful program that we have?
Re-evaluating one's life while busy living it is never easy, but it's always necessary when we feel ourselves getting out of balance once again.
I've spent a lot of time in prayer and thought (and conversation with trusted friends) about this old age balancing act this week. I've decided it’s time to step back from a lot of my A.A. commitments to finish organizing my many weekly blogs into a book.
This feels like my best way for giving back to our program now, and just making that decision - and writing it down here - has already made me feel more balanced.
My work now - as always - will be to keep me that way!
