Made a Decision
At the end of the day the pawn and the king go back in the same box.
There Are No Big Deals
I once heard someone say about a woman I admired, “She wears the world like a loose garment.”
I’ve been trying to do that ever since - with varying degrees of success.
In early recovery I left a lot of tire rubber on the pavement of the parking area outside the A.A. clubhouse when I left meetings in a fury. I lived life under the huge burden of my “I’m right and you’re wrong” mentality that kept any hope of finding lasting serenity at arm’s length.
In other words my skin was then as thin as cheap toilet paper.
I can vividly remember being annoyed when I first heard A.A.’s Rule 62, the one that says: Don’t take yourself too damned seriously.
And I wasn’t real thrilled with that other homespun A.A. saying either: We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap.
But I would also hear those A.A. members I most admired say things like, “Don’t sweat the small stuff … and it’s all small stuff.”
They lived by that.
And I wanted what they had. I wanted their lives of relaxed laughter and casual wisdom.
My thoughts and actions then were filled with the desire to change others, to make them see things MY way - especially those things that were important to ME. Like everything else in my SLOW-briety it took me a long time to let go of my habitual knee-jerk reaction to things I didn’t agree with.
I had yet to learn that intolerance, impatience, jumping to conclusions, and even depression - along with every other negative attitude I carried - were just habits.
I also had to learn our bad habits must get replaced with good habits if we want all the recovery that’s promised us.
We do it by first becoming aware of our thoughts and then, when we learn to spot those negative ones, to replace them with those more positive.
I tossed that last remark off like it’s easy, didn’t I?
But it isn’t. It’s part of the “work” in “working the program” we hear about in our meetings.
An A.A. friend of mine reminded me of that work recently when he talked about staying inside his own hula hoop to deal with those things he could change and leaving those things he couldn't outside of his sphere.
I was pretty het up at the time about the political situation in my homeland, and I had been het up for weeks over it, but one of the gifts A.A. has given me is for recognizing the truth when I am finally able to hear it. I am so grateful this is so!
I had been angry at those who didn’t think like I did and I was ready and eager to fight them over it. The hula hoop comment made me step back to study what I could actually do about the current situation (and become embarrassed by all my current ranting and raving).
I hadn’t enjoyed a good bout of rage since 2016, yet I slipped on that old battered, but still comfortable emotion, the same way I can slip on my old, but still comfortable, bedroom slippers - without giving either a second thought.
What I have now done - thanks to the tools of A.A. and the messages my HP gives me through the voices of other members - is write a list of actions I can take, along with a reminder of where my power ends.
Doing so has given me the gift of acceptance and mental clarity.
Learning to ignore those things I cannot change (others) and focusing on changing the things I can (me) is the only path I’ve ever found to having any inner peace. Peace is negotiable on a daily basis just like every part of our recovery. We can choose it, or not. It’s up to us.
And I can share this because I absolutely have come to understand, “We teach what we most need to know.”
I once had a lot of anger at men, having been deeply hurt by their indifference or lack of understanding of those things that mattered to me as a feminist. Violence against women, reproductive rights, equal pay for equal work being just some of them.
I was angry at the sexist language in A.A. literature, too.
But being angry at all men about feminist issues - that didn’t impact them so they didn’t think about them all the time like I did - just made me miserable.
I had yet to learn that educating them - without anger - was, and is, something well within my hula hoop.
I do that today whenever there is an opportunity to do so, but I don’t get upset when they don’t immediately change to meet my expectations. Change takes time for them just as it does for me.
Only our HP knows what’s needed in any situation to bring about change for the better. Sometimes there’s a pretty bumpy ride during that process, but hindsight gives us a 20/20 view of those things we once thought disastrous that turned out to be blessings.
The alcoholism that brought me to A.A. being my biggest one.
I am only just beginning to understand the saying -
In all things give thanks.
When I drank I wanted you to like me. That was my goal and my “opinions” only held firm until I learned you held different ones. Then, like a windsock, my opinions would swing to become the same as yours.
I also hated that trait in myself.
In recovery I have learned who I am and what I stand for, qualities I had always admired in others. I have solid opinions today on a number of issues, backed by my study, research and critical thinking. Having opinions is a good thing. Our opinions define us. We need to know what is important to us.
I share my opinions with the hope it will have a positive impact on others, but not to be angry when it doesn’t. Being angry and frustrated with those who don’t share our concerns just gives them power while taking away our own.
Besides, those very people may be the ones with the most to offer us in other areas. We must always weigh what we are receiving from others against what we are demanding of them.
Honing our sense of humor helps!
I live next door to my daughter. She and I share a lot of the same interests (and opinions), but we could not possibly be more different in the way we go about living our lives. Fortunately we can make jokes and laugh about our differences 95-plus percent of the time.
I am wary of those who can’t laugh at themselves. Learning to do so in my case means I at least always have something to laugh about.
Bill W. himself once said, “As I get down to my right size and stature, my self-concern and importance become amusing.”
As always, Bill nailed it!