Co-dependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.
Alcoholism and Codependency
Feelings of guilt, pity, and obligation are to the codependent what the first drink is to the alcoholic. Beware of what happens next!
- Melodie Beatte, author
What? Why are we not talking about alcohol?
What does codependency have to do with drinking or not drinking?
Quite a lot, actually, at least for many of us, along with all the other addictions we can easily slide into after putting the plug in the jug. Things like overeating, overspending, over-lusting, and just plain over-doing in general.
But we usually don't slide into codependent behaviors for the very first time when we get to A.A. - the codependents among us arrive with them fully in place.
(Codependents in AlAnon arrive wearing merit badges for these behaviors).
And the difference is, all our newly-adopted over-the-top behaviors will fade away as we learn, over time, to rely more-and-more on surrendering them to our Higher Power. (And then leaving them there.) But codependency is truly in a class by itself and deserves a closer look.
Some, but not all, recovering alcoholics/addicts eventually discover
codependency is one of their key underlying issues, when their relationships and even friendships bring more pain than joy.
That's because built and shame are built into codependency just as they are built into substance abuse.
Many of us also grew up in homes that revolved around codependent relationships, so we had modeled for us “this is what a relationship looks like.”
Recovering from codependency can be hard work. It requires our full attention and commitment, but it's worth it because it can take us to a more fulfilled and joyful life.
There's also the fact (and motivator) that codependency, just like alcoholism, can also be a killer. It is at the root of many suicides.
I made the discovery I was a raging codependent in my ninth year of sobriety. Up until then I had been sailing along, happily sober, sponsoring other women and active in other kinds of service work.
Only gradually did I notice women I sponsored were becoming healthy enough to enjoy supportive and loving relationships. Many of them married, had children, moved on with their lives ... I hadn't.
Then one night, while waiting for a meeting to begin in a treatment center where my group had gone to carry the A.A. message, I glanced at a pinned-up notice on a cork board. It was the "laundry list" test outlining codependent behaviors. I was amazed to find that, just like in those written tests that confirmed my alcoholism, I passed the codependent test with flying colors, too.
I brought the matter up with my sponsor.
She told me I was very codependent, but she hadn't yet confronted me with it yet because I was sober and seemed happy.
And I was happy.
But I was also lonely.
Alcoholics know a lot about feeling lonely.
In the words of Bill W.:
Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.
In those days I still hoped for a loving relationship, but was afraid to become involved with anyone. I had already painfully learned getting out of any relationship was nearly impossible for me.
That's a classic codependent symptom for some of us, by the way.
One of many.
Here are some others:
People pleasing; lack of boundaries; poor self-esteem; caretaking; reactivity; poor communication; lacking a positive self-image; difficulty making decisions in a relationship; difficulty identifying our feelings; valuing the approval of others more than our own, lack of self-trust … and that's just for starters.
Codependent givers and takers have a lot in common, but their differences make for unhealthy - even toxic - relationships, ones that can lead to desperation, depression, despair, abuse, violence and even death - homicidal or suicidal.
A codependent person tends to give continuously to a narcissistic partner who
takes. They're both codependent, just flip sides of the same coin. They can also, in a different relationship, occasionally play the reverse role. (I know this because I’ve done this!)
Blackouts are one symptom of alcoholism common to many, but not all, alcoholics. And domestic violence is one symptom of codependency. Not all codependents get caught up in the hell of domestic violence, but many, many do.
Codependents don't all grow up with alcoholic parents, either, but they also don't grow up in healthy and nurturing conditions. Codependency is pretty much always rooted in adverse childhood experiences.
Those who do grow up in an alcoholic home are exposed to a full slate of negative conditions. Here, while very young, they learn to neglect their own needs for the sake of their parents' needs and demands.
To survive a traumatic upbringing children become shape changers, able to immediately take the temperature of any emotional atmosphere and adapt to whatever is found. (We never lose that superpower, either. I still have it.)
Growing up this way, having no one listen to us, or otherwise affirm us, leaves us feeling isolated and emotionally abandoned. AKA - Lonely!
When we grow up with one or both parents being alcoholic, we're probably going to have at least a few codependent issues surface when we establish homes of our own. This is particularly true for those of us destined to become alcoholics ourselves.
As adults, we see others having safe intimate relationships and we long for that same experience. But our attempts at relationships devolve rapidly.
Because our needs are so great, we settle for crumbs instead of seeking a banquet. We try again and again to get blood from stones with no success, and it’s not even because our stone doesn’t want to give it. Stones just have no blood to give!
Into our relationships we carry a sense of shame, along with fear, that renders us unable to share who we really are. We often don't have a clue about who we really are anyway until we're well into long-term recovery. Shape changers, remember?
Some people question calling codependency an addiction, but therapists don't. They use the term "codependency" interchangeably with "relationship addiction."
When we lose ourselves in a relationship, make our "significant other" the most important part of our lives in every way possible, and compromise our own beliefs and values in the process, what else can we call it other than addiction?
We did the same with our drinking, after all.
We made alcohol the most important part of our lives in every way possible, compromised our beliefs and values over and over again to keep on drinking, and eventually lost ourselves in the process.
We codependents find no lasting joy in a relationship other than in doing things to make our partners value us. We're in it for the long haul, too, even when we discover our partner is hurtful, even dangerous. We'll do anything we can think of to please and satisfy them, at whatever expense to ourselves. Our relationship becomes more important than anything, including our own safety.
And here's where people who are not codependents become baffled and often wade in with advice to, "Just leave the bastard," or "You are too nice a person to let someone treat you that way, get out while you can." or (and this one once broke my own heart) when my best friend walked away after telling me: "I can no longer be your friend and watch you self-destruct because of him. We're done."
There's an obvious correlation with our drinking here, because we hear the same kinds of messages from friends and family:
"Why don't you just have a couple of drinks and then stop?" ... "Why can't you see what your drinking is doing to you? To us?" ... "It's either the bottle or me. I can't stay in this any longer and watch you kill yourself."
Think how we felt when those kinds of comments were aimed our way about our drinking. Then consider what it means to judge anyone about anything. People are formed from such different circumstances, motivated by different situations, shaped by their own personal suffering. We cannot hope to understand the behaviors of even those closest to us.
We see all things in one dimension. Only our Higher Power sees things from all sides, inside and out. Our relationship with a Higher Power is the one that can bring about lasting positive change.
Even so, I have never personally experienced a healthy intimate relationship. The last time I ventured to attempt one ended, as always, in painful failure. It took me to the edge of suicide before I finally surrendered that intention, on my knees, to my Higher Power.
I have never stepped back into the relationship arena again, and now I've left it
too late. That's a shame really, because I'm a pretty nice person today. But when I was of an age to be in an intimate relationship, I didn't have enough codependency recovery to operate there safely.
I will suggest you don't do as I did.
If you think codependency is one of your issues, get honest about it now. There is help available.
Get a copy of the book Codependents Anonymous for a full outline of what you are dealing with and also the tools needed to recover. Get a support system. Join a group to find the experience, strength and hope you'll need to heal from codependent issues.
Every internal conflict has many levels, but over time our emotions can be healed unless we avoid or try to hide from them.
What we want and need is to feel heard and understood. Go find those people who will give that to you. We're all miracles of recovery from alcoholism. Once we have a bit of sobriety under our belt, it may be time to go get us another miracle.
