Made A Decision

              A.A. Can Not Survive Without Our Traditions 

Like most of us I had very little interest in A.A.'s Twelve Traditions in my early recovery. 

I listened to How It Works when it was read (mostly), but I tuned out the Traditions completely, focusing instead on that new guy who just came in, or on pondering a problem at work, or on worrying about unpaid bills, or whatever else crowded my monkey-mind for attention.

Learning about the Traditions came later, studying them came later still. But eventually over time in recovery I began to appreciate their value; to marvel at the job they do keeping A.A. together and strong.  I finally now regard them with the awe they deserve.

In our book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions - known mostly as "the 12 & 12" - it states: 

On anvils of experience, the structure of our Society was hammered out . . . Thus has it been with A.A. By faith and by works we have been able to build upon the lessons of an incredible experience. They live today in the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, which - God willing - shall sustain us in unity for so long as He may need us.

Your assignment today, should you choose to learn something, is to delve deeper into A.A.'s fascinating history. There's plenty of material available including what you'll find by merely reading our Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 & 12. 

But there are other books, too. Jump onto Google and find some. You'll come away from learning about our history with more appreciation of our program and the people who welded it together for us. The Traditions are a huge part of that story. 

And you'll get more than a few laughs when reading those books, too. I have found identification with my own behavior in all of them (my laughter is often rueful), and I'll bet cash money you will, too. 

In A.A. literature we find acceptance and acknowledge our immaturity, character defects, and emotional struggles. We accept our flaws and work to eliminate them, or at least reduce them to a manageable size. 

So for our earliest members, most of them low bottom drunks who drank alcoholically for decades, to have come up with our Traditions is truly a God-directed-miracle.

Don't think so? 

Sit in on a few group conscience meetings in your Home Group and listen to the things we drunks can find to argue passionately about. 

In them I am often reminded of the old joke about the guy who stopped to get gas in a very small town in the states. While the attendant was pumping the gas (I told you this was an OLD joke) he noticed two churches within view of the gas station, one on either side of the road.

"Are there enough people around here for two churches?," he asked. "Why don't they build just one bigger one?"

"Won't happen," the attendant replied. "That church over there," he said, pointing, "Sez 'there ain't no Hell and the other one sez 'the hell there ain't.'"

There was a big flap in an A.A. group recently when one member took exception to people clapping in appreciation after a guest speaker finished his share. One irritated member said applause was out of line in an A.A. meeting because it would inflate the ego of the speaker.

Another member took exception, pointing out we alcoholics often have self-esteem issues and are nervous about sharing anyway, so a warm round of applause was encouraging, not ego-building.

This difference of opinion heated up enough to make it all the way to the General Service Office for resolution. There the group was reminded of its autonomy and it was suggested members take a Group Conscience vote on how they wanted the issue handled in their own meeting.

Our Founders - Dr. Bob and Bill W. - big letter writers, shared their thoughts on these kinds of issues often. Here's one example taken from letters written in 1949 and 1956:

 We used to be skeptical about large A.A. gatherings like conventions, thinking they might prove too exhibitionistic. But, on balance, their benefit is huge. 

While each A.A.'s interest should center principally in those about him and upon his own group, it is both necessary and desirable that we all get a larger vision of the whole. 

The General Service Conference in New York also produces this effect upon those who attend. It is a vision-stretching process. 

A.A. has always had to bring itself back to the place of unity. Without it none of us would have a place to recovery from our deadly disease. So, like toddlers learning to reluctantly share our toy blocks in playschool, we learn how to practice creating unity within our groups. 

Those who initially are unable to play nice with others often leave a group and start another one. Oldtimers used to say all that was needed to start a new group was a resentment and a coffee pot. And they were right. Our amazing program didn't spread across the entire world based entirely on saintly spiritual leadership. 

As our 12 & 12 points out:  Over the years, every conceivable deviation from our Twelve Steps and Traditions have been tried. That was sure to be, since we are so largely a band of ego-driven individuals. Children of chaos, we have defiantly played with every brand of fire, only to emerge unharmed and, we think, wiser.

 These very deviations created a vast process of trial and error, which, under the grace of God, has brought us to where we stand today . . . We saw that the group, exactly like the individual, must eventually conform to whatever tested principles would guarantee survival.

We hear it said in meetings that the steps protect me from myself; the traditions protect AA from me. I've also heard that expressed as the steps protect me from killing myself; the traditions keep me from killing others.

Like every living thing A.A. grows and changes. Alcoholics easily panic at the very thought of A.A. changing in any way other than how it was when they arrived. But take just the one example of Zoom meetings. These online meetings are one of the best things to ever happen to A.A., but they frightened many when Covid lockdown forced us into them. 

Zoom meetings are living proof when something bad happens (Covid), good things can and do result. 

When we enter a meeting our Traditions require us to leave the social worries of this world outside. We are in our meeting to learn how to stay sober through both good times and bad. Period.

We might chat before and after the meeting about social issues, but we do not do so in the meeting. We might even take anger over social issues into the parking lot and do battle, which I have seen happen a time or two.

But we leave all that outside the meeting room door or zoom square.

In our meetings we talk about our spiritual growth, but we don't talk about our personal religion. 

In the rooms we may say we are having problems in our relationship, but we don't trash our partner in the process.

If we are grieving over a world series or world cup loss (or election results) we can say we are grieving a loss or are happy about a win without having to get much more specific. 

 

No matter what is going on in the outside world we have cause for happiness every day because we are sober alcoholics. Our sobriety alone is cause for gratitude, because most alcoholics in the world are still out there suffering.

God has allowed all of us the right to be wrong, but in A.A we don't shame those there we may think are wrong. We are called to ask our Higher Power for the serenity to always love the best that life and A.A. has to offer. Knowing and practicing our Traditions, both inside and outside the program, allows us do that.

Making the Traditions our groups' priority has allowed A.A. to exist as it does today. 

And, if we continue to try and place God's will first in our lives, and in our groups, A.A. will remain able to keep us all sober. It will also allow it to be there for that frightened newcomer when he or she arrives at our door. 

 

Made a Decision

                                    The “M” Word

As an alcoholic I would rather talk than think.

As an alcoholic I would rather pray than meditate.

As an alcoholic I will usually put off meditation until I can’t put it off any longer.

The above pretty much sums me up in a nutshell.

(It’s no accident that I use the word “nutshell” here, either! This “nut” has always had a tough shell to crack, but fortunately my HP doesn’t  hesitate to apply pressure when needed.)

My first thought about meditation is "I don't wanna." 

It's the same thought I have when I know it's time to go to bed. And for the same reason. 

My mind doesn't even begin to shut up for at least fifteen minutes of my trying to quiet it for meditative purposes. 

Sleep takes much, much longer. Sometimes it never arrives at all.

Some days my mind never shuts up at all, either. It will start to settle down for a bit and then flare up again. And even though I have occasionally had wonderfully quiet moments, where undulating colors moved visibly and slowly in my head, those times are rare indeed. Meditation is just very hard for my monkey mind to adjust to. 

I try to get comfortable. 

My nose itches.

I sit relaxed, eyes shut. 

My neck hurts.

I focus on breathing in … and breathing out ... waiting for my mind to be quiet.

“Natter, natter, natter,” my mind says. 

“BE QUIET,” I think.

“NATTER, NATTER, NATTER,” my mind replies.

And so it goes until I accept that’s probably just what my mind is going to meditate on today, my natter natter thoughts. 

For a long old time in recovery I would quit trying to meditate after days like that. I’d resolve to give it another go at a later date. Often that date would turn out to be a much later date.

I have tackled my meditation problem many times. I've tried TM (Transcendental Meditation); meditation during yoga; Getting into the Gap for meditation (complete with CD to get me there); have watched YouTube instructions, and have pretty much used every meditation technique for dummies I could get my hands on. Even so, when I sit down to meditate, it remains a crap shoot.

But I do it, and even though my ability remains imperfect, I refuse to should on myself about that. 

One of these days I will probably be a powerful daily meditator, because living a sober spiritual life demands continuous action.

It’s really easy to procrastinate about this meditation thing, though,

 because procrastination is the addict’s default position:

“I’ll quit drinking tomorrow.” 

 “I’ll find a sponsor soon.”

 “I’ll think about creating a healthy diet for myself later.”

 “One of these days I’ll quit smoking and vaping.” 

“I really should do more service work in AA.”

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, that’s our game. 

The sad thing is that behavior not only keeps pain in our lives, it attracts more pain to us.

Our literature tells us Prayer is asking a question; meditation is listening to the answer.

                       Recovery strives to teach us to slow down. 

                               Meditation, at least in part, teaches us how to slow down.

When we are with others we need to be with them wholeheartedly. 

But when we are by ourselves we learn to be alone with God. 

                                          We learn to slow down by taking time out. 

                    And Meditation helps us learn what the presence of God feels like. 

So, of course, I continue to try to spend time quieting myself, getting centered, becoming relieved of my own tiresome, worrisome, obsessive thoughts.

 Of course I do. 

Of course we must.  

I have also come to believe there is no such thing as a “bad” meditation. 

Like prayer, about which it is said, “trying to pray is praying,” I think the same applies to meditating.

Mostly my end game is to just sit and do my best to be quiet. I try to think about God (not pray to God), while searching for answers to questions I've read we might ask during meditation, like: What is my gift to share? What is trying to be revealed in my life? What is my purpose in life today? Why am I still here on this planet? I listen for answers, both then and in the hours and days that follow. 

Answers do arrive and they arrive in God's time.  (God has waaaaaaaay more patience than I do, but patience remains one of my life lessons yet to be fully learned).

Our literature, tongue in cheek, tells us how long we need to meditate for every day, too:

Daily meditation for about 20 minutes is recommended for all in recovery; unless, of course, you’re very busy, – then you should meditate for an hour. 

There's this guidance from the Big Book, written when our members were still just in the hundreds. Our numbers are in the millions today, but the same applies: 

When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith. 

The 12 & 12 offers: Meditation is something which can always be further developed. It has no boundaries, either of width or height. Aided by such instruction and example as we can find, it is essentially an individual adventure, something which each one of us works out in his own way.

Google informs us that:  The word meditation is mentioned 37 times in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is also specifically called out in Step 11. However, many AA members struggle to embrace the concept of meditation for alcoholics.

As one of those who has struggled, I can also tell you it’s worth the struggle. 

There truly is more to our life than increasing its speed. 

So even if meditation is as difficult for you as it has always been for me, try to meditate. 

Imperfect as I remain I’m still a satisfied customer, because the rewards are many.  

Besides, I’ll bet you’ll be a lot better at meditation than I am. 

One of AA’s well-known gurus, author Chuck Chamberlin, once wrote: 

You can have a God-centered life and suffer the consequences, or you can have a Self-centered life and suffer the consequences.

There are always consequences for our actions and meditation brings us consequences, too. It brings us good ones.

 

                  When We Don't Know How to Pray

              Thought to Ponder: Nobody ever found recovery as a result of an intellectual awakening.

There are only two things we need to know about prayer and meditation for staying sober:

                        (1)  We have to start doing them, and, (2) We have to continue.

A dear AA friend once gave me a copy of The 12 Step Prayer Book. It's a lovely little book that contains a lot of very beautiful prayers written for us folks in recovery. It contains a few annoying ones, too, but then I am easily annoyed by prayers.

I'm not as easily annoyed by them as I was when I first got here though, because then I was especially annoyed when a member would rhapsodize about the Prayers of St. Francis of Assisi, the one that asks God to make us  "an instrument of Your peace."

As a single working mom with four small children, aging parents, a job to keep, a house to manage, and all while staying sober, I thought I was doing plenty enough for others, thanks. 

I called that lovely prayer "the codependent prayer," and said so, often. 

 (Yes. I was that kind of AA member).

But our spiritual program of recovery doesn't much care if we like the idea of prayer or not, and it doesn't care if we enjoy meditating, either (more about which in next week's blog). It just "suggests" we do both if we want to stay sober. 

With sobriety upon my arrival into A.A. being my priority goal (then and still), I examined all the prayers I knew by heart. I found all two of them lacking: 

(1) 

The Lord's Prayer was too masculine for my taste 

(but not too Christian. Pray it and listen to the words.). 

So I altered it some. 

I still pray my version at bedtime. 

(2) 

My Mum had taught me a grim little bedtime prayer when I was very young: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to God my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. I pray thee, God, my soul to take." 

It was a bit scary when I was little to even think about not living through the night and I soon stopped praying it. Now that it's far more appropriate (though still disturbing) it has become part of my nighttime prayers once again.

Since I didn't get to AA with a headful of memorized prayer material I have had to cobble things together over the years. Some I'm quite pleased with, others not so much, but I do my best.

Being a creature who loves routine I tend to say the same old, same old, stuff, much of it written out by me as original prayers long ago, even knowing by then the only real prayer is to ask for knowledge of God's will for me and for the power to carry that out in that day. Today, In addition to "power," I ask for the energy, courage, ability and desire as well. 

I pray that, too, every day. 

But not until I've first bored blind the God of My understanding by naming my children, their partners, their own children, our pets, my friends, my sponsees, our pets, and then naming deceased loved ones, my country of origin, people affected by war, and climate change, and ... trust me, the list goes on (and on and on). These are my by rote prayers and I do them morning and evening, even though they often bore me, too.

My "real" prayers are those I mutter throughout the day when I appreciate something, accomplish something, find a missing something, hear from a loved one, have a nice surprise of any kind, cook a delicious meal for myself, paint a picture that turns out better than I had hoped, get a call from one of my sons, have a lengthy visit with my daughter, laugh with a grandchild, tell my dog he's a good boy, pet one of my pushy cats, and so on. 

My daily muttered prayers are all prayers of gratitude and they are pretty much ongoing these days.

But that was not always the case!

My life in early recovery still held a lot of turmoil, because I would still go full-on into situations in my time-honored fucked up way - and pay the penalty for that pretty much immediately. It took me a long old time to remember to ask my Higher Power to help me before I set out with my personal battering ram aimed to take down anything that got between me and what I wanted.

People in the states may remember those commercials where people would guzzle down a soda and then smack their forehead and cry, "I cudda had a V8" (a healthier veggie drink). 

In my case - after I had done damage - it was only then when I'd think, "Shit! I cudda said a prayer first."

Our Big Book says: When we see others solve their problems by simple reliance upon some Spirit of the universe, we have to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work, but the God-idea does. 

I now completely agree - but in the beginning we have to start to SEE it. And that can take us awhile.

Most alcoholics are perfectionist, people-pleasing, over-achieving, hard-driving neurotic accomplishers. A smaller number are procrastinators that won't leave a burning building until their clothing starts to smoke. We all have to come to terms with who we are and how to best work our 12-step program, our own prayers being a part of that. 

The main thing is we don't have to learn everything AA has to teach us in an afternoon. Our A.A. life is a journey and, like any journey, we learn the most by not trying to do too much, too fast.

SLOW-briety.

Spiritual gurus and philosophers through the ages have spent entire lifetimes pondering spiritual mysteries and truths. We drunks - guilt-fueled perhaps over years wasted in drinking - tend to want an understanding of the knowledge of the ages by next Thursday. 

Friday at the latest.

Reeeee-lax. 

Breathe. 

Slow the pace.

As long as we are staying clean and sober we are all exactly where we need to be at this stage of our recovery. 

We will all have our own battles in switching from a material viewpoint - the one fostered by our entire society and hammered into us by Madison Avenue jingles and other persuasions - to a more spiritual outlook. 

Some non-alcoholics make that change willingly, the vast majority do not, remaining focused on acquiring more "stuff," and often using the time-honored techniques of greed, arrogance, and selfish hoarding to get it. 

God has given every human free will to use as we choose, either for good or for evil.

 With us stubborn drunks, however, He has reigned us in a bit. 

In A.A. we soon learn we are pretty much doomed if we don't focus our life force on developing unselfish love, service and honesty. 

Given any other option in those early days of recovery we'd all still be drinking. 

True, we can still drink or drug if we choose to, but in our case, because our Higher Power knows us alkies so very well, He took our widdle hans and tied our widdle shoes, and then shooed us out onto the path to victory, like it or not.

Prayer is one of the most powerful ways for shifting our focus from the material to the eternal verities of life. I've come to the conclusion there is no wrong way to pray, as long as we do pray, and also that our prayer life grows and changes over time. 

Our Big Book talks about the power of prayer a lot, like this for instance: 

If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried ... Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient, they failed utterly. Lack of power that was our dilemma ...

Here the Big Book there launches into finding that power, that seeking God in prayer gives us that power. The entire book is in fact stuffed with that same information presented both in the text and its stories of recovery. 

Science has weighed in, too. It has discovered prayer which elicits feelings of love and compassion for others releases a nice hit of serotonin and dopamine into our own brains. As most of us know, both of those are notably in short supply in alcoholic heads. 

One study of the psychological benefits of prayer states it may help reduce anxiety and stress, promote a more positive outlook, and strengthen the will to live. 

There are many days when any one of us can use a good dose of that!

 

Note: I had some formatting problems today, with my computer wanting to squash some things too close together and spacing others out too far. It is beyond my tech skills to fix, but it is still at least readable. 

Made A Decision

           Our Disease of Perception

We read in our AA literature and we hear in meetings that we have a disease of perception. 

What does that mean?

It means we alcoholics do not see things as they actually are. 

We see things as WE are.

 

1. So, when we are angry, judgmental, envious, jealous, fearful or full of pride, our view of the world - and everything in it - will reflect that perception. 

2. Conversely, if we are filled with gratitude, serenity, hope, joy, patience,and willingness to get out of our own way to let our Higher Power handle our problems, our view of the world - and everything in it - will reflect that perception.

Moving our thoughts from (a) to (b) - and keeping them there at least most of the time - is the aim and story of our entire recovery journey. 

 I read just this morning in our Daily Reflections quote addressing this from our Big Book : This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.

That entire reading (16th of October) describes the progress of our journey from distorted thinking to reality. It is a comfort to know we don’t “get it” all right away. A brain damaged by the relentless application of alcohol and other drugs for years, often decades, doesn’t heal overnight. 

But heal it will as we learn how to apply our program of recovery to living our lives.

I am often amazed, and occasionally even amused, at the resentments newcomers share with me about all manner of things, and by their inability to see their part in it. But, as a newcomer once myself, I know I was exactly the same. I have my journals to prove it whenever I try to remember myself differently. My ability to always think of myself first is on every page in those first weeks, months and years of my early recovery. 

I’m rereading those journals at the moment as I research material for a family history and my absolute indifference to the needs of others if their needs got in my way is stunning. I am so grateful to AA I don’t have to live that way today.

And my long ago journals starkly reveal my glaring disease of perception. I can remember thinking I was living the AA program beautifully back then - I certainly was living it to the best of my ability - but as I reread I see I was full of every possible negative emotion much of the time. 

I fought with other members. I got angry with my amazingly patient sponsor. I slammed out of meetings in fury. I gossiped about other members. I even, for an ego-ridden time, considered rewriting the “old fashioned” A.A. Big Book. 

Amidst all that continuing old behavior I “perceived” myself justified in every thought and action, totally blind to my controlling nature, inflexibility, and the astonishing size of my inflated ego.

I was just as blind to the meaning behind the small smiles of AA oldtimers when in meetings I waxed eloquent about my recovery. I “perceived” those smiles as recognition of my superior recovery over others having my length of sobriety.

When a meeting topic was “resentments,” I nodded in complete agreement at the dangers of harboring any resentment, completely oblivious I was harboring resentments for at least three people in every meeting.

If our discussion was about honesty I could contribute with enthusiasm and then tell three lies before I even left the building.

And so on. 

So if I could get past that kind of world view of the world, you can, too. 

Just don’t be impatient with yourself. A concert pianist doesn’t jump right from practicing the  scales to concertos. And even they will have days where they play their music in the gaps between the keys and not on the keys themselves. No one - ever - is perfect all the time. 

That is especially true of this recovery thing. 

(I know for sure that I can still lose my temper with the best of them, I’m just a lot “calmer” about it now.)

If we are staying sober we are right where we are supposed to be in our recovery today. By adding to our knowledge about what our program has to offer, by attending book study meetings, and hanging out with the winners in our program, we will soon be much further along our path to that “life beyond our wildest dreams!”

Our Big Book says:  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.

By the time we take that step we already have more understanding of our powerlessness and have made our decision to turn our will and my lives over to the care of God, as we understand  Him. 

We merely ask God to decide which defects stand in the way of our usefulness to Him and then ask Him to remove them. But once our HP is in charge, we don't get to decide which defects, or how soon, or in what order, they’ll get removed. 

The same hands-off applies when we are in disharmony with anyone. We learn over time to pray for those people who disturb us. Not that prayer where we ask God to “give them what they deserve” (as I certainly did), but to say “God bless them,” and mean it. Because over time we learn by blessing others - especially those others we don’t like - we become blessed tenfold in return.

If punishment of someone is called for that’s a God job. God is far more creative than we can ever be for dishing out exactly what’s needed. It’s easy to doubt that sometimes when we see people prosper whom we think should be suffering, but we are not privy to their thoughts in their sleepless hours, either - or what lies in their future.

Our timing for punishment of others - or anything else - is not God’s timing. 

As my brother once wisely told me, “God is on Eternal Time. We’re on Daylight Savings.”

Do I have any hard feelings about other members or another A.A. group? Am I critical of the ways in which group members act - think? Do I feel another member or group is wrong and broadcast it? 

Or do I realize all A.A. members, in spite of any handicaps they may have, still have something to offer, some good they can bring to A.A.? Do I believe that there is a place for all, provided they are following A.A. traditions? Do I realize they can be effective even if I don't agree with them? Am I tolerant of people and groups?

We learn, over time, and often after painful lessons, to understand the importance of these things. 

And of patience - with others and, most importantly, with ourselves.

 We see everything in one dimension and direction, but God sees all the way around. We act in haste, but God waits for the right moment to give us the perfect job, partner, house, car, or life experience.

Patience!

Sure we can crash through every door toward getting what we want right now, but learning to wait for God’s timing can save us from a lot of painful bruises. I speak from my vast number of black and blue experiences. (Very slow learner, me). 

Newcomers worry a lot about what God is or what God isn’t, but seldom give nearly as much thought to their own purpose for even being alive. If we eventually conclude our flesh suit also has a soul, and that our purpose may involved lessons to educate that soul of ours, we can then learn A.A. gives us all the tools needed to do just that.

I’ve come to believe our spiritual progress gets delayed when we chose to focus on the needs and desires of our bodies over the needs and desires of our souls. 

We certainly need to look after our bodies, but our souls need nurturing, too. 

A.A. supports our having compassion for others, for helping other still-suffering alcoholics, for turning to prayer and meditation as part of our daily recovery, for our becoming more honest, less judgmental, kinder, more responsible, loving, supportive, and so on. 

As these qualities are developed our perception of what’s important in life changes and develops, too.

We are told in AA that ours is a physical, mental and spiritual illness. The desperation we felt when we arrived at our first meeting was a huge symptom of our soul sickness. I was so soul-sick of myself and my way of living I could barely look at myself in a mirror. I don’t ever want to forget the condition I was in when I got here. 

There’s no need for us to try and be perfectionist about our recovery, but we must become ‘completionists.”  If we start it, we must finish it.

 If we want to enjoy the best possible recovery, we must learn to recover. 

It’s usually only our attitude that needs changing so that our perception of a given situation can change. Is that an easy fix? No. It takes practice. It takes daily practice. But it is doable. 

Daily effort to improve ourselves has consequences, too. 

Learning to ignore most things is one of the greatest paths to inner peace.

Surrendering our willfulness is often our first and greatest victory. 

As our Big Book states: The only problems I have today are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will.”

When I find myself complaining or blaming I know I’m in trouble. Those two things can distort my perception, destroy my inner power completely and render me a victim, because these show me I am still expecting solutions and changes from others. 

We must find our wisdom for ourselves - and apply it, which means seeking a broader clearer view. Years ago, to remind me that ours is a disease of perception, I hung this sign over my desk and it's still there to remind me. It reads:

      “Don’t believe everything you think!”