Made A Decision

Do we allow abusers to cross our boundaries rather than confronting them? We will learn to tell the truth at every level, especially when we are not happy about something.

                      Self-care Equals Self-love 

When was the last time you did something nice just for you?

 Do you even know how to do that? Or what that feels like?

If not, there's work to be done ... but this is the kind of recovery work that can feel very good while in process.

We do that work because it builds back our self-esteem. And also because, according to many scientific studies, people who don't like themselves find it difficult (if not impossible) to love others. 

So to want to help other suffering alcoholics - which is our JOB in recovery - we have to begin to find out how to love and care for ourselves. 

After all, none of us gets to A.A. on a winning streak. We pretty much always arrive battered, angry, frustrated and filled with self-loathing. It takes time to get rid of all that, but meanwhile the people who got to A.A. ahead of us will love us until we finally learn to love ourselves.

They will, you know. The same way HP does, as in that saying, 

God loves us, whether we like it or not.

 In our drinking days we were prone to anger, hostility, rebellion and aggression. Early in our recovery those behaviors too often remain our "Go To." A newcomer's first work is to learn how to not be a tyrant or a victim, to learn how to set sane boundaries, and to discover through that process how special we are and deserving of having a marvelous life. 

Then we can put down the stick we use to beat ourselves with and stop abusing ourselves - and others - with unrealistic expectations that can minimize our having success. Being both batterer and batteree isn't good for anyone, but it's typical behavior for many newcomers.

Forgiving ourselves for being human is the first step on the path to improving self-esteem. That's how our Higher Power views us. HP knows who we are and knows what we are, no perfection expected. We are loved for just being human. 

We are the only ones expecting perfection of ourselves. So self-improvement and self-acceptance are far worthier goals. That process begins with learning to take care of ourselves, and by learning to care for others in healthy ways. 

We help others initially by going to lots of meetings to stay sober and meet lots of our kind of people, our herd. These are the folks we'll be hanging out with, getting to know and to love, getting to have fun with, and - most of all - getting to care that they stay sober.

 We make time for them. We take an interest in them. We want good things for them. We learn our recovery really isn't "all about me." We SLOWbriety ourselves out of our own selfish heads. 

Self-care also includes making time to get to know ourselves. 

Most of us arrive in A.A. wearing a variety of masks - sometimes all at the same time - to cover that black hole of loneliness and desperation underneath. We arrive feeling like damaged goods and we wear our masks to try and keep others from seeing who we really are. 

But when we view ourselves as damaged goods, we truly have no idea yet who the person behind our mask actually is! 

 Once we find the courage to work the steps to remove our masks, and continually do the doing, our beauty will be revealed for all to see and appreciate.

Working all twelve steps takes us to finding a powerful relationship with our personal Higher Power (whatever that looks like) and helps us discover, accept, and then love the person we are becoming.

 Steps four through ten are the meat and potatoes of self-discovery, Steps one, two, three, eleven and twelve get us out of our own way and closer to our Higher Power, and to our fellow suffering alcoholics. 

Or at least that's the way it has worked - and continues to work - for me. 

There are a variety of non-A.A. ideas that can augment our step work in reaching our goal of self-love. As it says in our Big Book, Make use of what others have to offer. I have used all of the following to find my way back to myself. I can confirm they have all helped.

Have fun:

I once read we could write down all the things we liked to do, and then ask our closest friends what they think would be fun for us to do together, and then to do them - individually or together - often. 

Gratitude:

Science has shown it is impossible for our brains to hold a negative and a positive thought at the same time. Spiritual law says the same. So every day - and most especially on those days when our brains are out to kill us with negativity - we can escape by making a written gratitude list. 

I've heard some people complain they can only think of about three or four things to list. Work on that till it reaches a hundred or so! It isn't hard ...

Are we sober today?

Do we know our sobriety is a gift and a miracle?

 Are we grateful for it? 

Do we have sober friends? Do we have a circle of support in a Home Group? Do we have a program guiding our recovery?

 Gratitude!!!

Did the sun come up today? Be grateful we can see it. Be grateful for its warmth. Be grateful for the energy it offers our gardens, our food crops, our planet. 

Is it raining? Be grateful for a quieter day, for the replenishment of our creeks and rivers, for our thirsty plants and wildlife, for friendly conversations with our neighbors about the weather.

Did we laugh today? Do we have friends that bring us the gift of laughter? Are there comedians we enjoy? Did our puppy do something that gave us a smile? Is our cat the best cat ever? Do our children love us? Do we know that? Gratitude!

Did we see something amazing today? A colourful butterfly? A couple in love? A new baby? The ocean sunlit with diamond-like sparkles? A perfect rose in the garden? A hedgehog? A mountain in the mist? Lambs at play? A falling “star?" 

If we are physically well are we grateful? Good eyesight? Hearing? Our strength? Being able to walk, or run, or climb, or dance? There are people with none of these things, or unable to do any of these. So be grateful.

The list is endless ... and for that, I'm grateful!

Becoming grateful opens the door to more and more things to be grateful about.

Practice being grateful for life's tough lessons, too. For it is from them that we learn and grow the most. 

Never forget when you felt that quitting drinking would be the worst thing that could happen to you. And then how you felt when you discovered it was the best thing that has ever happened for you. Gratitude!

Affirmations:

Saying "You are a terrific human being" every time you see yourself in a mirror can feel awkward at first, but affirmations contribute a more positive voice to the negative one already in our head. Over time it can drown it out completely. That's the goal.

Affirmations come in all shapes and sizes: like, "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better." ... "I am loved and I am loving." ... "I attract the positive." ... "I deserve to have a wonderful life."  ... "I have a spiritual ideal and I seek to reach it." Whatever the ideal you want for yourself can become a daily affirmation designed by you, for you. 

Affirmations are life changing. Doing daily affirmations works. The science supports it and my own experience supports it, too. Try it in your own life. 

Gold Stars:

When we do anything that is hard for us to do ... apply for a new job, end a toxic relationship, speak our truth, join a book club, share - or chair - at a meeting, make an amend, visit a dying person in hospice, spend a day without our cell phone, make time to eat properly or to get enough sleep, or whatever that hard thing FOR US might be ... we award ourself a gold star. 

Literally.

Get a box of sticky stars and put one in your journal or diary or desk calendar on that date when you've done your hard thing. Write down what that hard thing was. Then, when a later day (or week) turns shitty on you, you can flip back through that collection of stars and read what you did to earn them. 

It won't take long for the positive thought - "Yes, I really did do that ... and that ... and that, too ... " to kick in. We will then feel better about ourselves.

 Another person might look at one of our accomplishments and think, "Big deal." This isn't about them or their opinion, especially when their opinion is based on something that might have been easy for them, but was terrifying for us. We all have different size hurdles. 

(Our gold stars are just for us! I have never shown mine to anyone and I don't expect I ever will. It's none of their business.)

Revisit your Childhood

Make a list of all the things you liked to do before the age of eleven. Jigsaw puzzles? Read books? Dance? Roller skate? Ride horses? Swim? Jump rope? Walk in the woods? Be in a pretty garden. Have a dollhouse? Ride a bike? Sing? Go out in a boat? 

Whatever.

Then go do each of them again, one after another, week after week for as long as it takes.

You'll discover that some of them will no longer hold the appeal of your childhood (I found I'd rather fix up the house I live in than have a dollhouse again), but some childhood fun things will still be a good fit. Add them back into your life.

Secret Pleasures:

Loneliness is the pain of being alone. Solitude offers the joy of being alone. 

Do more of what you secretly like to do all by yourself, but seldom make time for: Bubble baths? Reading good books? Gardening? Hiking? Napping? Lying in bed and watching the telly? Baking? Trying new recipes? Puzzles?  

Whatever makes you happy in yourself - and by yourself - do it more often (yes, even rude sexy things). That's how we learn to enjoy and value our own company.

Self-care leads us to others-care. 

When we feel good about ourselves it's natural to want to share that with others. We'll find ourselves becoming more involved in A.A. service work - and enjoying it. 

We'll find ourselves reaching out to others who are struggling to offer them a bit of our own experience, strength and hope. We'll feel less like "I have to go to a meeting" and more like, "I get to go to a meeting." 

We'll feel gratitude whenever we are doing-the-doing.

It all works - when we work all of it.

 

Made A Decision

I am responsible for carrying the message. I am not responsible for anyone receiving the message. 

  Working With Others …  But what about those 

                       who only "want to want to quit?"

One of the true joys of being in A.A. is having the opportunity for working with others, to share with them in meetings and as sponsors everything we 

have learned that has changed our own lives for the better. 

This kind of service is the most rewarding we will ever experience, 

and the benefits we will receive from doing it are many. 

Once we have been through the 12-steps one-on-one with our sponsors, 

making us ready to sponsor others, a whole new chapter in our recovery

 begins. We will learn more about ourselves through sponsoring others 

than by any other method, while making lifelong friends in the process! 

But get ready for an emotional roller coaster ride, because it isn't 

always easy.

We often meet our first sponsee at their own very first meeting. 

They're easy to spot with their deer-in-the-headlights expression and 

wary eyes. They aren't sure they should have even showed up to hang out 

with a bunch of low-life drunks. 

They arrive filled with misgivings, fear, and a head full of no information, or 

wrong information, about alcoholism. They think they are perhaps 

over-reacting to their drinking, but deep inside know they don't drink like "normal" people.

We know all that because we were exactly the same.

Our 12 & 12, on page 23, tells it like it is:  

Years before we realized it we were out of control, that our

 drinking even then was no mere habit, and that it was 

indeed the beginning of a fatal progression.

And our Big Book underlines it on page 24 (4th edition): 

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, 

have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain 

times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a 

month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

But here's the part in the Big Book from the Chapter "Working with others" 

that so many of us miss about helping or sponsoring  - and it's the most important part:

If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him.

A lot of people in early recovery in A.A want to want to quit drinking. 

But they don't actually want to quit. 

They want to want to quit, but 

they don't actually want t0. 

You'll know if your sponsee is one by the time you get them to Step Four. 

It's natural for any newcomer to balk at Step Four, because facing doing it 

brings up a lot of fear. But those who truly want to quit drinking will soon

 jump into the deep end of that pool and get it done. 

Those who want to want to quit will diddle around for weeks and months

 (even years!) creating every possible excuse for not moving forward with

 Step Four. 

Eventually, however, that light bulb over our head goes on - but not over 

the procrastinator's head. It lights up over ours when we suddenly realize 

what’s going on. 

Those who want to want to quit are skilled time wasters and, like most 

alcoholics, know how to con and charm others into letting them have 

things their own way. They will manipulate us for as long as we let them. 

I've fallen guilty to hanging on too long more than once with persons I'd

 grown to care deeply about, but I don't do it now. While it never feels good

 having to let a sponsee go (because we know the dangers they face), they'll hopefully learn a valuable lesson when all their dazzling charm fails them. 

Once you've realized the problem the cure is within reach. We must gently

 tell them they must have their fourth step in hand and be ready to take

 their fifth step by the time you meet for your step work again. 

If they again aren't ready, tell them when they are ready to work the steps 

to contact you again, but for now you are going to take on another sponsee. 

Explain there are others needing help willing to do the work and that by you working with someone who isn't willing you are depriving them of the help 

they want and need.

Easy?

Nope. 

But in these cases the truth can sometimes shock your sponsee enough to

 move them into action!

Telling a procrastinator the truth often isn't very easy, but it is necessary. 

Because there are never enough good sponsors for those in need of one, 

so you really are depriving a willing newcomer when you waste your time,

 energy and goodwill on one who merely wants to want to quit. 

They want what you have alright, but they are just not ready or willing to 

do the work that you have done in order to get it.

My friend, Tim, often quotes Vinnie the Slaughterman, his mentor during his own early recovery moaning time:

               "You want sympathy? It's in the dictionary, right between shit and syphilis."

Vinnie, like those old timers in A.A. when I got here, were often just that compassionate, because most of them around back then had been very 

low bottom drunks. They knew alcohol is a killer and they didn't mince words.

I hate alcoholism, but I love alcoholics. 

This, despite the fact, that newcomers to recovery  (and some not so new) 

can be annoying by their incredible levels of self-centeredness and 

readiness to find fault. Thin skin is their super power and instant go to. 

Remembering we were all just as self-involved early on (in my case more

 so than anyone I've ever sponsored) teaches us both compassion and 

patience. 

"This, too, shall pass," I have more than once muttered to myself when 

dealing with a life problem of my own while being totally ignored by a 

newcomer having their own "need to talk right now." They might vaguely acknowledge I was dealing with some issue or other, but were completely 

sure their problem was far more important. 

 

Knowing I had done the same to my first sponsor, the long suffering and 

always patient Mary Z, shames and reminds me I owe the same compassion 

to A.A.'s current crop of babies if for no other reason than to honor her

 memory.

Since sainthood still eludes me, however, I can take comfort in our 

literature which acknowledges how difficult that can sometimes be. 

Our Big Book bluntly states:  

When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that

 a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible. Even when you 

understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising.

And also this:  

Having suffered from alcoholism, I should understand the illness, but 

sometimes I feel annoyance, even contempt, toward a person who 

cannot make it in A.A. When I feel that way, I am satisfying my false 

sense of superiority and I must remember, but for the grace of God, 

there go I.

Alcoholics suffer from a physical, mental and spiritual illness. Recovery 

in A.A. offers us remission and recovery in all three, but it is not an 

overnight process and there is work involved for one to achieve lasting 

high-quality sober lives. 

We begin with baby steps and our progress is often two baby steps forward, 

one backward, with perhaps more than a few steps taken side to side along 

the way. As long as we continue doing the work we are making progress. 

Getting old as long as we’re alive is inevitable, but growing up is optional. 

The blueprint for recovery offered in A.A. is also the blueprint for reaching a decent level of maturity. 

Becoming a grown up, with a modicum of common sense and an ability

 to fully enjoy life, is a notable achievement in our ever more agitated and uncertain world.  

Our achievable goal, always, is progress, not perfection.

 

Made A Decision

                                              Oh, Jesus

                    Religion vs A.A. on 12 Step Calls

    Churches are hospitals for sick souls. A.A. is the hospital for sick alcoholics.

In our Big Book is clearly states that during a Twelve Step call on an A.A. prospect we should not push the God idea too much.

Why is that?

Because we drunks arrive in A.A. with all kinds of baggage, with religious beliefs (or none at all) often being the biggest suitcase in the pile.

For starters, many wet drunks were brought up to believe in a God of Judgment and Doom. They sure as hell don’t want to think about their own score sheet with that kind of God. They’ve spent years trying to drink those fears away.

Others grew up believing in a Santa Claus God. When He didn’t deliver all the things they had hoped for, and asked for, and then pleaded for, they tossed that God baby right out with the bathwater.

“There is no God,” they cried.  Or even, “God is dead.”

Secular Jewish friends of mine on arrival into A.A. found the whole idea of a personal God as nonsensical as believing in faerie tales.

I was raised by a Lutheran mother (loosely) and an Anglo-Catholic father (very loosely). So my “Christian” upbringing involved mainly celebrating Christian holidays, with the occasional visit to a church they both had a reason to visit on that day.

Some of our family member were very religious, however, so a lot of their beliefs got hammered into my little head during prolonged visits where I managed to develop a huge problem with Christian terminology that lasts till today.

All that wine turning to blood (then DRINKING it), bread becoming flesh (then EATING it), getting washed in “the blood of the lamb,” and etc. It was a bloody bloodbath and I wanted no part of it! The very word Jesus (often pronounced in three syllables by the overly devout - as in “Jaw-ease-us”) made me want to stick my fingers in my ears and chant “lalalalala” to drown it out.

(My favorite bumper sticker remains, “Jesus, please protect me from your followers.”)

Had I attended my first A.A. meeting where a member started praising Jesus (which I have actually heard in meetings and - trust me - I called them out on it, too), I’d have left and never returned. Finding Jesus waiting for me in A.A. would have been my death sentence.

Part of all the great wisdom found in A.A. is in letting new members develop their own concept of God at their own speed. They can rely on an A.A. group itself for their Higher Power, or return to the faith of their childhood for spiritual teachings, or explore just about everything tagged as spiritual in their attempt to find their own way to faith.

What we don’t do inside A.A. is proselytize about our religious or spiritual activities outside of A.A. Our spiritual path is our personal journey. In A.A. we merely share our experience, strength and hope in remaining sober as built upon the strength we receive from “the God of our understanding.” Period!

A.A.’s founders were members of the Christian faith and some of the terminology in our literature reflects it, but even so they emphasized again and again the importance of having our own personal Higher Power. They supported making use of what all the religions had to offer, but then gave us perhaps the broadest spiritual concept of them all.

In a letter written in 1954 by Bill Wilson, he said: 

While A.A. has restored thousands of poor Christians to their churches, and has made believers out of atheists and agnostics, it has also made good A.A.’s out of those belonging to the Buddhist, Islamic, and Jewish faiths.

For example, we question very much whether our Buddhist members in Japan would ever have joined this Society had A.A. officially stamped itself a strictly Christian movement.

You can easily convince yourself of this by imagining that A.A. started among the Buddhists and that they then told you you couldn’t join them unless you became a Buddhist, too. If you were a Christian alcoholic under these circumstances, you might well turn your face to the wall and die.

And in the book Alcoholics Anonymous Come of Age you’ll find more of Wilson’s thoughts in a footnote on page 232: 

Speaking for Dr. Bob and myself I would like to say that there has never been the slightest intent, on his part or mine, in trying to found a new religious denomination. Dr. Bob held certain religious convictions and so do I. This is, of course, the personal privilege of every A.A. member.

Nothing, however, could be so unfortunate for A.A.’s future as an attempt to incorporate any of our personal theological views into A.A. teaching, practice or tradition. Were Dr. Bob still with us, I am positive he would agree that we could never be too emphatic about this matter.

Many members always retain their A.A. group as their Higher Power since alone they were unable to remain sober, but with the help of their group they have achieved it.

Other members eventually find a companion God, one they talk with and always seek to know better.

We in A.A. put no pressure on members about God. We only point out that we as individuals are not the alpha and omega of the Universe, that there is a power greater than us that will lead, encourage and direct us - when we invite it to do so.

_________________________________________________

 

Made A Decision   

For when our brain is out to kill us

I  recently sent the suggestions that follow to a struggling sponsee on what to do on those days when our brains want to kill us - or at least to make us miserable. ALL people in recovery from addictions have days like that, some of us more than others. 

(I'm having one of those days myself today and reread my own advice. I'm pleased to note it was helpful.)

Perhaps this list will be a help to you on your next "bad" day?  I hope so - that's why I'm sharing  it:

The List:

1.  Don't believe everything you think!

2.  Mask up and go for a good long walk - rain or shine. Or put on some music that moves your feet and then dance till you drop!

3.  Have you prayed about it? If not, do so. Ask to learn what has triggered you feeling wobbly and then ask for a solution, one that will work for you. Write down any thoughts that come to you. Share them with your sponsor or a trusted A.A. friend.

4.  Have you read - and then actually thought about what you've just read - from a book that offers a spiritual direction?

5. Have you looked to see where you might be with that A.A. adage - H.A.L.T.?   (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).

Hungry - Have you had enough to eat?  If not. Eat now.

           Angry - Are you pissed off at anyone? If so, why? What can be done to fix it?

           Lonely - Have you called an A.A. friend or any loved one today? Do so. Your call might just make their day better - and yours.                                                                                         

           Tired - Are you well rested, did you sleep good? If not, take a nap - or go to bed early.

6.  Have you written out a gratitude list with at least 20 items on it? (Yes, you can think of at least 20. Work on it!)

Examples: Is the sun out today? Can you see it? Is it raining? Can you feel it? Will nature benefit from that rain today? Do you have friends? Will you call one or more friends today? Do you live where there is pretty scenery? Are you able to go out for a walk to enjoy it?

 Is your health good? Give thanks. A lot of people are very ill today.

Do you like your family? Are your parents alive? Ask them about their childhoods. Ask them how they met. Ask them about the best thing that ever happened to them … or the scariest … or the most interesting. Ask them what they’d do over in their lives if they had the chance. Ask them the kinds of questions you’ll kick yourself for not asking after they’ve gone.

Have you laughed today? If not, why not? Laugh at yourself if nothing else shows up to give you a giggle.

And so on ...

7.  If you have a copy of the wonderful book  "Believing in Myself" get it out, or look it up online, and read the July Fourth entry again. 

8.  In that same book - or other spiritual daily reader - start writing down a list of the dates that really "speak" to you when you read them. Refer to those dates and read them again when you go all wobbly.

9.  Go take a nice hot shower or a long soaky hot bath with something in it that smells nice. Appreciate what a lovely experience that is.

10. Cut some flowers from the garden and fill a vase for them indoors.  Men may balk at this, but science has shown having cut flowers in the house lifts our spirits with no regard for gender. Even artificial flowers do it!

11. Consider learning a new skill. Write down what it will take to accomplish it: Buying a book on the subject? Finding a mentor? Taking a class? An online video? Then do it! Try it. If you find it doesn't light your fire after a few weeks, think about something else that might interest you instead. Repeat those initial steps with your new project. Keep doing this until you find something you find yourself passionate about - and then enjoy it forever.

12. Pursue something - anything - that interests you, from reading a good book, watching an upbeat movie, enjoying a jigsaw puzzle, dancing around the house, watching something on Telly that you know will make you laugh (mine while living in the UK were QI, Mock the Week, Would I Lie to You, some stand up comics, etc.), learn how to cook Chinese food, Italian food, Mexican food, Indian food  - or just plain learn how to cook and bake  - then get the ingredients and go for it! 

13. Make a list of all these things you loved to do as a child. A dollhouse? Riding your bike? Fishing? Roller skating? Dancing? Reading? Drawing? Coloring? Try those things again. You will have outgrown some of them, but others will still speak to you as an adult. Enjoy your second childhood. I certainly do! 

13.  Write a letter to any person you are pleased to have in your life and tell them so and why. This can be a relative, a friend, a former teacher, a religious leader, someone in A.A., even someone in the government. Mail it to them. Trust me - they will be thrilled and you’ll be happy with yourself, too.

14. Buy a box of gold stars and whenever you note in your diary something you did that took all your courage to do, award yourself a star. Then, when you have a wobbly day in future, flip back through the pages and read what happened every time you get to a star. You’ll feel better about yourself and your recovery in no time.

              Note: Any good sponsor will merely ask you some of the above questions (and others like them) if you call them when you’re feeling wobbly - and then they will make suggestions to help you based on your answers. Doing any one of the above can shift our perception from negative to positive.  We have "a disease of perception" after all!

And then, as we move forward in our recovery, we will start to ask ourselves those questions when we feel out of kilter and before things become worse. We then apply the ones that we think (or now already know) will help us get back on track.

                    That's how "working the program" works. It works - IF (and when) we work it.

       Nothing happens until we decide. When we make a decision our lives move forward.  

_________________________________________________