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Made a Decision

                                   Our Best Thinking ...

I was shaken to my core at a long-ago meeting when I heard someone say: "I used to think I was smart until I realised my best thinking got me HERE."

That speaker sure gave ME something to think about - then - and ever since that meeting!

At that time I, too, thought myself to be quite a good little thinker. After all, I had a good job and also an alert brain that never shut down ... 

or shut up. 

(The kind of brain, I've since learned, that's common to most alcoholics.)

Along with pondering and questioning the need for doing all those steps, that "God thing" everyone in AA nattered on about also became a perfect topic to spin my brainy wheels on, over and over again. 

"What is God? 

Is God male or female, or neither? 

Was Jesus God? 

Was Buddha God? 

Who was God? 

What was God?

Should I become Wiccan?

Wiccans are off the wall. 

But it's a Nature religion.

I love Nature.

Maybe I could become a Quaker?

Is there a God at all? 

Why should I trust it if there is? 

Where was God when (pick a nasty incident) happened to me?

Why can't I hear or see God ... etc."

That beat went on in my head, ad infinitum, for a very, very long stretch of time in my early "daze" in recovery.

Our late-stage alcoholic AA founders knew who they were dealing with when they offered us a God of our own understanding, but even that open-ended kind of God remains a challenge for many of us.

But the fact is - believe this or not - it doesn't matter! 

All we are asked to do in AA is acknowledge there is a power out there bigger than we are, something that designed the Universe, created our planet, and then DNA'd elephants, mosquitoes, humans and everything else to put on it.

Once we can accept we're not THAT Power, and get on with Step Two, followed by the rest of the steps, we're well launched along our sober path. 

A God of our own understanding can then be discovered during our travels. Or not, as is the case with our many members who remain agnostic or atheist, but who nevertheless have at some point acknowledged Life is not all about them! 

There is no doubt the chairs of AA are filled with some very bright people, but even the most brilliant minds have no defence against the disease of alcoholism. We can't think our way sober. 

Intelligence, after all, is merely one of nature's gifts, along with artistic talent, musical ability, athletic prowess, and so many more. 

We can be grateful for any such gifts, and we can develop them to the best of our ability, but we didn't create them.

 (It helps us become a bit more humble when we come to realise and then accept that.)

Having a clever brain doesn't make us any better than anyone else. Worse, it can be a real handicap in getting and staying sober.

  

I can think of - and so can you - dozens of very intelligent writers, actors, politicians, comedians, musicians, and other vastly talented people who have died drunk from our disease. 

"Too smart for their own good," as the old saying goes.

Neither a high IQ, university degree (or multiples thereof), mathematical agility, scientific knowledge, or any other intellectual achievement will restore us to sanity and give us sobriety. 

It takes a Power greater than ourselves to get that job done, even if the Power we acknowledge is just the power of sobriety found within our own AA group. 

Far better to relax and go with the flow. Everything we need to know about our Higher Power will be revealed as we trudge our sober path.

Like any relationship, the one I have with my Higher Power has grown and changed as I have learned more along my spiritual journey. The God of my understanding today bears little resemblance to the ones I've tried on - and discarded - over the years. 

It took time in AA to find a God that fit me, but I wouldn't trade my discovery for your God - or anyone else's God (or non-God) either. 

I will always marvel at the infinite patience of members in my first AA group, people I viewed from my then-lofty perch as being a little too friendly and pretty naive, though I considered them nice enough people. The one thing many of them had that I hadn't been able to achieve however (with all my supposed smarts), was long-term sobriety. 

So, even though I thought I had little in common with most of them, I stayed to discover for myself just how they had achieved that sobriety trick.

By staying I got to know, and then slowly to admire many of them. I was told to "stick with the winners" (people having quality sobriety), and I did. I formed friendships within their ranks. I saw first-hand how their use of AA's teachings gave them an easier path through life. 

I wanted what they had and they told me to stick around still longer and I could have it all - and more besides. 

They were right, along with that special bonus of not having had to take a drink or use a mind-altering chemical since.

I arrived in AA as an impatient angry drunk. I'm no longer angry and I no longer drink, but patience still isn't my strong suit. I can still get anxious over unimportant things (mainly involving computers), but the difference is, with HP's help, I now live a life where impatience and anxiety have to work to find a way in. 

I know for sure that my own level of serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance of my own powerlessness in any situation. And if a situation isn't working for me, I can take steps to change it.

Simply put, the Higher Power we find in A.A. works. 

And - as is often said in the Southern United States - "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

 

I would add to that wisdom by saying - "and don't overthink it!"

 

Made A Decision 

  Taking Our Show on the Road

The first thing we learn in AA is how to behave in a meeting. 

We quickly are taught not to interrupt others when they are speaking (cross talk), but when it's our turn we can - and do - reference their stated problems, by offering program answers that have worked for us (cross sharing). 

(Cross talk - bad. Cross sharing - good).

We learn in meetings and from our sponsors how to love one another, how to look out for one another, how to first care for our group members and then for AA members everywhere. 

It soon becomes very easy to look out for one another inside the rooms of AA, but eventually we have to take some of that recovery into our homes and society.

 Many of us talk a good talk "around the tables" of AA, but then go home and shout ugly things at our partners and children. 

That has to stop and, as we work our program to the best of our ability, it eventually will.

When we smile at our AA group members, leave the meeting and within minutes are unkind to a fellow shopper or clerk, we still have some growing up to do.

Because no one is in our life by accident. 

Everyone we meet - from the postman delivering our mail, to the local butcher, baker and all those candlestick makers - are all here to teach us something about ourselves. 

The world doesn't need any more  of our anger. It needs love if there is going to be any kind of healing for our species and for our planet. And that love begins with each and every one of us as we take what we've learned in AA out into the world. 

We are all - every one of us - tasked with loving our world and everything and everyone in it. This is especially important in these times of escalating strife and political upheaval. 

We must practice "the discipline of kindness" to feel our best about ourselves. 

It can help if we start to see our world as our Father's house, and to think of all the people we meet as guests in that house, people we too will treat with respect. 

The same is true of our world. It, too, is our Father's house. Just as we wouldn't throw garbage around our Father's living room, we should perhaps not contribute to others having to walk knee deep in plastic wrappers (or dog crap) in our streets. 

When we want to be of service, both inside and beyond AA, we contribute to making our program, and our world, a better place. 

The first part of the word "civilization" is "civil."  Our fellowship, and even our civilization, can end if we all think only of ourselves. 

We in recovery have a wonderful opportunity to contribute to the well-being of the world. We have found the answer to our own greatest problem and know it is not found in buying more stuff, shaming people on social media, or becoming more and more cynical through non-stop watching of the 24/7 news cycle. 

The answer we have found in AA is all about love - self-love and love of others. 

And it's also about service.

In recovery we learn to love ourselves enough to stay sober.  We learn to love our fellow AA members and want them to succeed in staying sober. We learn to pray for those we find it hard to like. We learn to love AA and to want to contribute to it through our service for its continuance. 

As our hearts expand in love we continue to send it outward, from AA to our families, our neighbors, our community, our world.  

And "Boy Howdy," (Southern USA expression) does the world ever need some of it right now!

Do we appreciate our unique opportunity to be of service? Or are we always focused on staying busy with our own concerns? 

Do any of the following sound familiar?"

"I'd do more service work in AA, but I don't have the time."

"I'd take the kids to the beach (park/woods/movies) more, but I have to work."

"I wish I could join and contribute to Earth Extinction (World Wildlife Fund/my Political Party/Cancer Society/homeless relief project/local women's shelter, the Humane Society/the National Trust, etc. etc.), but I'm too busy."

Here's the thing about making time:

If you heard your name announced on your local radio station as the winner of a fat cash prize - as long as you showed up to collect it at the station by 5 p.m. on that day - you'd find the time to get there!

 Or if one of your family members were suddenly injured, you'd "find the time" to get them the medical attention they needed.

Or if you smelled smoke in the house you'd quickly find the time to tear yourself away from that computer solitaire game to find the cause.

We can always "make time" for things we feel are important. 

And, as part of that effort, there is always something we can do for others; and in that doing we increase the value of our own life. 

Helping others in any capacity also helps keep us sober. 

 

Made a Decision

                                         AA Etiquette 

I once spoke about AA Etiquette at an AA workshop. I was pleased to do so, because I was able to talk about both old-school behaviors and the actions we now see today. Some of today's activities, after all, were not around when AA first began. And other marvels, like having worldwide zoom meetings available to us 24/7, haven't even yet been around for four full years!

But the way I see it, behaving with AA Etiquette - old and new - is all based on common courtesy.

Sponsors, back when I got sober along with the other dinosaurs, made it their business to teach us how to behave in meetings. I still continue doing what she taught me because, let's face it, she knew lots more than me.

And most groups then had the rule to not invite anyone with less than one year of sobriety to do the main share at a meeting, or to hold an elected position (secretary, treasurer, General Service Rep.) in a group. I still think that's a good idea.

In addition to taking me through the 12 Steps and introducing me to the 12 Traditions, My First Sponsor Taught Me to:

Arrive at meetings on time (or rather, arrive at least ten minutes early); 

Apologize to the group if I got there late for any reason.

Not whisper to nearby others during a meeting; 

Dress nicely when asked to speak at an AA function, even when just asked to share in my home group; 

Help set up for the meetings and help clean up afterward;

Get my cuppa before the meeting began and - unless my gut required an emergency trip to the toilet - to sit down and stay put until the meeting ended;

Be willing to read items in the meeting when asked; 

Be sure to greet any newcomer warmly; 

Not to gossip about fellow members;

Become involved with service work;

To not "double dip" (share a second time) until every person in the meeting had spoken;

and so on.

To the above I would now add:

No texting or playing online games during a meeting (to my dismay I've seen both);

Turn off phones when entering any meeting, in-person or on zoom; 

And no cooking, eating or otherwise wandering around the house during a zoom meeting. 

(If you must wander, cook or eat, turn off your video so you won't distract those who'd rather focus on the meeting than on your home-based reality show).

If there is an emergency situation in your life (loved one in hospital, a possible call in from work, etc.), set your phone on silent alert. If a call comes you then can turn off your video, text your response, and quietly leave the meeting if that's necessary.  

Basically - be considerate, attentive and don't disrupt meetings.

 After all, when we go to a religious service of any kind - wedding, funeral, or any others, we don't whip out a snack to munch on, or wander around the room for the duration of that service. We don't do that when we go to the theatre, either. 

So we CAN control ourselves for the length of time it takes to sit through a meeting. 

We show respect for our program by showing up on time, or a bit early, by listening to the readings at the beginning of our meetings, and by listening to others when they share - yes, even those we think talk too much.

We arrive early, BTW, so we can get to know other members better, to welcome that nervous newcomer hovering in the doorway, to read if asked to do so by the Chairperson - in other words to become an active member of the group and not just an uninvolved visitor.

We can be around AA for weeks, months and even years before, in a split second, something we've heard read out many times suddenly becomes crystal clear, taking on a whole new meaning - and value - for our recovery. 

So we can never hear our Preamble, Steps, Traditions and Promises read aloud too many times. 

The same is true for actively listening to each person when they speak.

My Higher Power uses group members to deliver personal messages directly to me, often from the lips of a person I would least expect to hear an important message from. (I suspect your Higher Power does the same.) 

When we stop paying attention we risk not hearing our HP's message of the day!

Gossip can and does kill. Don't do it. 

Despite our laughter, sharing and learning, we need to always remember we alcoholics are highly sensitive people who are dealing with a deadly disease.

Gossip, even one thoughtless comment to-or-about someone in recovery, might drive them out of AA and they may never make it back. That can be their death sentence. 

AA is supposed to be our safe place. It's our job to keep it safe for everyone.

Don't cross talk, but DO cross share!

There seems to be a lot of confusion about this today. So here's the difference:

       Cross Talk: When a person in AA is speaking - especially if they are talking about a problem they're having in their life - we do not interrupt them or otherwise disturb their train of thought with eye rolls, sighs, fidgeting, or other distractions.

Doing so is Cross Talk and it is rude in the extreme, even when we are busting a gut to share something we think might be helpful to them.

Our job is to let each member share (or vent) without any input from us beyond our active listening.

       Cross Sharing: When it becomes our turn to share we can address a problem brought up earlier by saying how we dealt with the same - or similar - problem, using methods we've learned in AA. 

Solutions like praying for someone who has harmed us, applying a particular step to the situation, or finding a better way to handle it by studying Chapter Whatever in the Big Book, and so on. 

That's what we are supposed to do! That's what AA was built upon - one drunk sharing what we've learned with another drunk. 

Sharing what has worked for us in our recovery is an important part for our continuing to live a sober and better life.

Use "I" Messages, and here's what that means:

 Alcoholics don't take well to being told what to do. The moment we hear "YOU need to ..." our minds shut down and our fists come up. (Non-alcoholics don't seem to take to that start for a sentence much either.) 

So, because our founders knew exactly who they were dealing with, the "I" message came into use very early on.

 Meaning we soften our suggestions by putting them back onto us.

Examples: 

"I felt exactly the same way about my boss, too, but I found if I prayed for him, everything quickly got better."

"I learned early on that I couldn't afford to miss meetings."

"When I reach out to help another alcoholic, I benefit more than they do."

             See the difference? 

Most of the time "WE" is the word of choice in AA, as in: "WE admitted we were powerless of alcohol," "WE are a fellowship of people," "As WE understood Him ..." and so on. But, when well used, "I" messages are an effective and proper use of the word "I." 

Try it. It can change your life! 

Swearing: 

Some people, even groups, have a problem with members who use swear words to express themselves. I'm not one of them. A little salty speech won't hurt us, whereas a pious and judgemental attitude often will. 

Had I arrived at my first meeting and heard members talking sanctimoniously about God I might have thought I had stumbled into a church prayer meeting and - trust me - I would have left and never returned. 

And finally -  I realize that I now often come across as a crabby old timer - and I am (my brother, also a somewhat less crabby old timer, calls me an AA Nazi), 

but I hold meetings and our program as a sacred space.  It is my hope you will come to view them so, too.   

 

Made A Decision

The God Problem

"Just do the fucking Steps first and then worry about God afterwards."

So said my AA friend (herself a card-carrying atheist after a couple of decades-plus of good AA sobriety) to a rebellious newcomer complaining about all our program's God stuff.

I couldn't have said it any better. 

I have a lot of sober atheists and agnostics in my life, my own sponsor being one of them. I seem to attract them. I consider myself fortunate. 

They keep me on my spiritual toes. 

Bill W. and Dr. Bob liked them, too. Here following are some samples from letters between them on the subject:

       I have had many experiences with atheists, mostly good. Everybody in A.A. has the right to his own opinion. It is much better to maintain an open and tolerant society than it is to suppress any small disturbances their opinions might occasion. Actually, I don't know of anybody who went off and died of alcoholism because of some atheist's opinions on the cosmos. 

     But I do always entreat these folks to look to a 'Higher Power' - namely, their own group. When they come in, most of their A.A. group is sober, and they are drunk. Therefore, the group is a 'Higher Power.'

      That's a good enough start, and most of them do progress from there. I know how they feel, because I was once that way myself.   LETTER, 1962

And this, written shortly after the publication of our Big Book:

... Our group conscience was at work to construct the most acceptable and effective book possible. Every voice was playing its appointed part. Our atheists and agnostics widened our gateway so that all who suffer might pass through, regardless of their belief or lack of belief.  LETTER, 1954

       The fact is, some of our members never find a personal God - and they stay sober anyway. 

But I've noticed, among the sober agnostics and atheists I know personally, they've also all cleaned house, are active in service, have a home group, go to lots of meetings, sponsor others through the 12-steps, share their experience, strength, and hope when asked and are often the first ones to step up to welcome a newcomer.

I've attended a few atheist AA meetings myself over the years (they exist all over the world). It felt to me like being served a good meal lacking salt, but group members there got their own needs met. To each our own. Our program is big enough to fit all of us.

Many new members (being all or nothing people) want to understand everything right away. We want our God-doubts erased and all our questions answered NOW. It generally doesn't work that way. 

Each of us arrives carrying our own baggage: Some arrive angry over having been raised with a hellfire and brimstone god. They're often relieved to find a God they can tailor to their own needs and readily start their spiritual journey over again. 

Others enter recovery with a working understanding of a Higher Power and can plug right into the God concept. 

Then there are those who are content knowing other members' belief in a Higher Power has kept them sober.  They feel since it has worked for those other idiots, it can also work for them.

Both Al-Anon and AA members have said: 

"The Twelve Steps were designed for desperate people like us - as a shortcut to God." 

When I arrived in AA I was willing to believe, but didn't think it would actually be possible. I had enough confusion and distrust about this God thing then to fill and sink a battleship.

Mainly I believed that God - if there was one - was not a Christian, Jew, Muslim,  Buddhist, Hindu, or anything else. 

I had decided all organized religions were systems my species had created to control other people - or maybe (on my more generous days) - an attempt at building a framework for people to find some relief from the pain of living.

My brother describes the world's religions in a way I now quite like: 

"Take a pie, cut it up and label each piece as a major world religion. Every piece of that pie has some important spiritual truth in it. The only problems arrive when one piece of it wants to become the entire pie."

I arrived in AA, as so many of us do, unable to trust a God I couldn't see or feel. I didn't believe an unseen being could care for me or my petty problems.

 Out of desperation I surrendered my alcoholism to AA's Higher Power, but I held tightly to every other problem I had, convinced I could handle the rest of my life in my own way.

Gradually, over a long length of time, I cautiously began to hand these issues over - one at a time - to that unseen power. 

And gradually, over a length of time, I saw resolutions of problems that had always baffled me.

(An AA friend once gave me a mug bearing the words: "Everything I've ever surrendered has my claw marks all over it.")

My God-answers always showed up in ways I never would have thought of, too - in radio commercials; a sign on a bus; an overheard comment; voiced in a meeting by someone I didn't like; in a song lyric or a display in a shop window - to name just a few.

Like when my Higher Power indicated I might need more balance in my life. 

The word BALANCE was everywhere during that "lesson." 

If I turned on the radio I'd find a lecture about "living in a more BALANCED way." If I sat on the toilet there would be a box of detergent nearby bearing the words: "For a BALANCED washing ...", 

A television program offered, "... watch in amazement as this man BALANCES on the thin wire between these buildings  ..."  

And so on.

It can take some of us a long old time to find a "God of our understanding." 

I'm grateful I eventually got there. I now know for sure my life has become easier since I stopped trying to get along without God's help. 

And what I find most interesting is that the connection I found remains one that is ever evolving - and ever expanding.  

Or, as I read recently and then jotted down in my journal: 

"God is continually expressing Himself in new ways - but this is not improvement; it is unfoldment. Your life is simply part of this unfoldment, and that is the only reason for you existing at all. 

You are the living expression of God now - and to understand this is salvation." 

As Bill Wilson wrote about his own "aha" experience:

 Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view.  

      Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book), 4th Edition, Bill's Story, pg. 12

   The God of my own understanding is all around us, as a loving and guiding (when we let it) spirit that pervades the entire universe. 

But  I no longer think that our finding God is even the point. 

Continually seeking God is the point.