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                                         AA Etiquette 

I once spoke about AA Etiquette at an AA workshop. I was pleased to do so, because I was able to talk about both old-school behaviors and the actions we now see today. Some of today's activities, after all, were not around when AA first began. And other marvels, like having worldwide zoom meetings available to us 24/7, haven't even yet been around for four full years!

But the way I see it, behaving with AA Etiquette - old and new - is all based on common courtesy.

Sponsors, back when I got sober along with the other dinosaurs, made it their business to teach us how to behave in meetings. I still continue doing what she taught me because, let's face it, she knew lots more than me.

And most groups then had the rule to not invite anyone with less than one year of sobriety to do the main share at a meeting, or to hold an elected position (secretary, treasurer, General Service Rep.) in a group. I still think that's a good idea.

In addition to taking me through the 12 Steps and introducing me to the 12 Traditions, My First Sponsor Taught Me to:

Arrive at meetings on time (or rather, arrive at least ten minutes early); 

Apologize to the group if I got there late for any reason.

Not whisper to nearby others during a meeting; 

Dress nicely when asked to speak at an AA function, even when just asked to share in my home group; 

Help set up for the meetings and help clean up afterward;

Get my cuppa before the meeting began and - unless my gut required an emergency trip to the toilet - to sit down and stay put until the meeting ended;

Be willing to read items in the meeting when asked; 

Be sure to greet any newcomer warmly; 

Not to gossip about fellow members;

Become involved with service work;

To not "double dip" (share a second time) until every person in the meeting had spoken;

and so on.

To the above I would now add:

No texting or playing online games during a meeting (to my dismay I've seen both);

Turn off phones when entering any meeting, in-person or on zoom; 

And no cooking, eating or otherwise wandering around the house during a zoom meeting. 

(If you must wander, cook or eat, turn off your video so you won't distract those who'd rather focus on the meeting than on your home-based reality show).

If there is an emergency situation in your life (loved one in hospital, a possible call in from work, etc.), set your phone on silent alert. If a call comes you then can turn off your video, text your response, and quietly leave the meeting if that's necessary.  

Basically - be considerate, attentive and don't disrupt meetings.

 After all, when we go to a religious service of any kind - wedding, funeral, or any others, we don't whip out a snack to munch on, or wander around the room for the duration of that service. We don't do that when we go to the theatre, either. 

So we CAN control ourselves for the length of time it takes to sit through a meeting. 

We show respect for our program by showing up on time, or a bit early, by listening to the readings at the beginning of our meetings, and by listening to others when they share - yes, even those we think talk too much.

We arrive early, BTW, so we can get to know other members better, to welcome that nervous newcomer hovering in the doorway, to read if asked to do so by the Chairperson - in other words to become an active member of the group and not just an uninvolved visitor.

We can be around AA for weeks, months and even years before, in a split second, something we've heard read out many times suddenly becomes crystal clear, taking on a whole new meaning - and value - for our recovery. 

So we can never hear our Preamble, Steps, Traditions and Promises read aloud too many times. 

The same is true for actively listening to each person when they speak.

My Higher Power uses group members to deliver personal messages directly to me, often from the lips of a person I would least expect to hear an important message from. (I suspect your Higher Power does the same.) 

When we stop paying attention we risk not hearing our HP's message of the day!

Gossip can and does kill. Don't do it. 

Despite our laughter, sharing and learning, we need to always remember we alcoholics are highly sensitive people who are dealing with a deadly disease.

Gossip, even one thoughtless comment to-or-about someone in recovery, might drive them out of AA and they may never make it back. That can be their death sentence. 

AA is supposed to be our safe place. It's our job to keep it safe for everyone.

Don't cross talk, but DO cross share!

There seems to be a lot of confusion about this today. So here's the difference:

       Cross Talk: When a person in AA is speaking - especially if they are talking about a problem they're having in their life - we do not interrupt them or otherwise disturb their train of thought with eye rolls, sighs, fidgeting, or other distractions.

Doing so is Cross Talk and it is rude in the extreme, even when we are busting a gut to share something we think might be helpful to them.

Our job is to let each member share (or vent) without any input from us beyond our active listening.

       Cross Sharing: When it becomes our turn to share we can address a problem brought up earlier by saying how we dealt with the same - or similar - problem, using methods we've learned in AA. 

Solutions like praying for someone who has harmed us, applying a particular step to the situation, or finding a better way to handle it by studying Chapter Whatever in the Big Book, and so on. 

That's what we are supposed to do! That's what AA was built upon - one drunk sharing what we've learned with another drunk. 

Sharing what has worked for us in our recovery is an important part for our continuing to live a sober and better life.

Use "I" Messages, and here's what that means:

 Alcoholics don't take well to being told what to do. The moment we hear "YOU need to ..." our minds shut down and our fists come up. (Non-alcoholics don't seem to take to that start for a sentence much either.) 

So, because our founders knew exactly who they were dealing with, the "I" message came into use very early on.

 Meaning we soften our suggestions by putting them back onto us.

Examples: 

"I felt exactly the same way about my boss, too, but I found if I prayed for him, everything quickly got better."

"I learned early on that I couldn't afford to miss meetings."

"When I reach out to help another alcoholic, I benefit more than they do."

             See the difference? 

Most of the time "WE" is the word of choice in AA, as in: "WE admitted we were powerless of alcohol," "WE are a fellowship of people," "As WE understood Him ..." and so on. But, when well used, "I" messages are an effective and proper use of the word "I." 

Try it. It can change your life! 

Swearing: 

Some people, even groups, have a problem with members who use swear words to express themselves. I'm not one of them. A little salty speech won't hurt us, whereas a pious and judgemental attitude often will. 

Had I arrived at my first meeting and heard members talking sanctimoniously about God I might have thought I had stumbled into a church prayer meeting and - trust me - I would have left and never returned. 

And finally -  I realize that I now often come across as a crabby old timer - and I am (my brother, also a somewhat less crabby old timer, calls me an AA Nazi), 

but I hold meetings and our program as a sacred space.  It is my hope you will come to view them so, too.