Made a Decision 

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                        Romance on the AA Campus 

                (and other potential addictions). 

            

I was told "no romance for a minimum of two years" when I got to AA. Being unique, I wanted to disregard that advice. I was 37-years-of-age, after all. I was a grownup. I could see no good reason for that abstinence.

Here's the reason: 

It takes a while on what will become our lifetime journey of recovery to find our feet and be able to withstand those strong addictive emotions that, once they hit, can bring about a stumble, or worse, a slip. 

I understand that now, of course, because hindsight is almost always 20/20. The advice was given because alcoholics are addicts and we can become addicted to pretty much anything, even long after we've put the plug in the jug. 

To be blunt, we addicts like a high. We love the buzz. When our minds get turned on by anything (or anyone) the voice of our disease inside our head shouts: "This feels GREAT. I'll have lots and lots more of it, thanks."

In "recovery" we can become hooked on many things - action (running, body building, dancing), food (especially sugary or high-fat foods), gambling, sex, coffee, nicotine (in all its forms), over-spending (often credit card money), other people, plastic surgery, religion, soda pop ... you name it, our motto is (and quite possibly always will be) "More is better." 

We slide sideways into other addictions and in the process (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) move away from keeping our Higher Power in the top slot in our lives. We don't recognise that's what we're doing, of course, but anything - ANYTHING - that takes precedence over developing and maintaining that primary relationship becomes our Higher Power. 

My own Higher Power has doled out some pretty heavy consequences to me when I've put anything else into that Number One slot. I've done so once or twice during my recovery mainly by just not knowing any better at the time.

When I keep my Higher Power in the rightful place, all the rest of my life falls easily, happily and productively into place. But, being human and not saintly, I haven't always been able to manage it.

 

For various periods of time in sobriety I have latched onto addictions for plastic-spending, comfort eating, fame seeking (when my first book was published), coffee (two or three pots of coffee a day back then can't really be called normal), over-protection of my children, and believe it or not - dancing!

 In every case I denied I was addicted and even sometimes lied to close friends for no good reason when pressed about it. "I've only had TWO cups of coffee, honest."

 (Just like I once had only drunk those "TWO" beers.)

I put a man in place of my Higher Power once, too, and kept him there for quite a while, ignoring every invasive thought that inviting him into my world was clearly not a good idea.

 With fingers in my ears and my mouth making "lalalalala" noises, I could not (and would not) hear any opinions to the contrary.

He was abusive, unkind, controlling, jealous and elusive. But I saw his "potential" and knew that I could bring it out in him. I could save him! 

I made him the most important part of my life - far more important than anyone or anything else. 

It's called "Self-Will Run Riot." 

The Big Book has quite a lot to say about it and none of it good. The main theme being that the biggest danger we face as recovering people is our self-will.

My Higher Power didn't step in and stop my side-trip into relationship-based insanity for me, either (God doesn't want puppets, He wants volunteers). Over the lengthy course of that doomed relationship I sank deeper and deeper into depression until suicide began to look like a viable option. When we stop paying daily attention to our recovery we can indeed get to that point while remaining 100-percent booze free.

 I eventually was able to recognise the relationship was just one more addiction when I felt I couldn't live without him, but found it impossible to quit. 

We all know that's the worst and most hellish place there is ... but, just like with booze, or any other addiction, the relief comes when we surrender our powerlessness and again let our Higher Power actually BE our Higher Power.

Incidentally, all throughout that addiction I prayed for it to continue with peace, love and sanity, but found within it only frustration, sorrow and, finally, desperation. There's an Indian Proverb that perfectly sums up being stuck like that:  "Call on God, but row away from the rocks."

(Here's a tip - if you're involved in any kind of addictive behavior and find yourself telling your closest friends or sponsor that it's not a problem, that it's all working out just fine, that you've got the situation well under control - you just might be in trouble.)

  "Every single one of us approached A.A. in trouble, in impossible trouble, in hopeless trouble. And that is why we came."

When we first get into AA it's a lot easier to accept there is a God of our own understanding who helped us get off alcohol and drugs and to make keeping in touch with that power our number one priority. But as time goes on it's just as easy to let that slide a bit. 

After all, this Higher Power connection isn't clear cut or even visible. It seldom feels real much of the time in early recovery, and certainly not in the way that a sweetly-fragrant newly-purchased car does or like scoring a big exciting win at the races. 

And it sure as hell doesn't snuggle up and whisper lovely naughty things to us.

Our disease has a much louder voice than the one used by my Higher Power. And our disease remains ever "cunning, baffling and powerful." It wants us dead and will use anything - ANYTHING - to get us back to drinking and using again.

No one ever said this recovery thing is easy. 

Simple, yes. Easy, no.

No one will tell you keeping your Higher Power as the number one relationship in your life is easy, either. But those who stay the course will absolutely tell you it's worth it.

Long-term recovery eventually brings the importance of that higher relationship into sharp focus, but I've come to believe that all those addictive side trips we take in recovery are probably there to teach us just that. 

"For the garden is the only place that is, but you will not find it until you have looked for it everywhere and found nowhere that is not a desert." 

          W.H. Auden, British-American Poet.

I no longer think we make any mistakes in our lives. We just have different "lessons." A painful "lesson" can be a blessing in disguise if it takes us to our knees. Maybe we need those jolts of pain from time to time in order to learn what our Higher Power wants for us? 

All I know for sure is that my recovery and spiritual growth have to come first for me. I now make sure on a daily basis that they do. 

And I believe that's a right and necessary self-concern for each and every one of us.  

 

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           "Meeting Makers Make It"

There's are many AA sayings about meetings, 

including: 

 "Many meetings, many chances; 

few meetings, fewer chances; 

No meetings, no chances."

 "The trouble with staying home, isolating and listening to my own head is 

I get a lot of bad advice."

I was told in my first days in recovery the most important meeting we should go to is the one we don't feel like going to. I wish every AA member would take to heart that advice given me so freely.

We go to meetings when we feel like crap and we leave afterwards feeling good again. 

We go to meetings when we feel good and we leave afterwards feeling even better. 

But when we first arrive in AA we know nothing about the importance of meetings, or anything else about recovery for that matter.

Over time we learn of our need for meetings - along with having a sponsor, working through the steps, studying AA literature, getting a home group, doing service work, eventually sponsoring others, and more.  

It's in our early meetings where we - gradually - learn there's more to our recovery than just going to meetings!

We learn we can't stay sober forever on meetings alone  - important as they are to our ongoing sobriety - but it's those early meetings that ground and connect us to AA until we're ready to start the work of recovery. 

 I had never been a joiner or groupie of any kind (well, maybe there was a rock and roll band member or two back in the day) when I arrived in AA, so being advised to go to 90 meetings in 90 days was both a shock and an impossibility for me at that time. 

I did go to as many meetings as I possibly could, though,

because I was terrified if I didn't I would drink again.

And there's solid reasoning behind the "90 and 90," even if mothers of small children (as I had then) can't always manage it.  

That's because the more meetings we get to, the more people we'll meet and the sooner we'll feel like we're a part of it all - because we WILL be a part of it all.

In AA we soon learn that alcoholism is a chronic, terminal illness busily killing alcoholics around the world just like us every single day. 

Meetings are our medicine and that's not just in our early days, either. 

As we  mature in recovery we get even more benefits from regular meeting attendance.

I can't think of a single excuse for not getting to a meeting in this time of Zoom. 

I also think Zoom meetings are the best infusion of new energy into AA since women started showing up in big numbers in the 1980s.  

The atmosphere of love and service in our meetings can and does (and, in my own case, has) keep us clean and sober for one more day during times when we aren't sure we can even survive one more day. 

We will never, ever, stop being addicted to alcohol. We are forever "one drink away from a drunk."

The longer we stay sober, the easier it is to forget what it was like during those horrific last days of drinking that brought us to AA in the first place.

 Going to meetings reawakens our personal memories by giving us an up close and personal view of those shaking, red-eyed, unkempt, angry, frightened newcomers.

We also get to hear from the retreads (those who manage to return after having left AA for another bout of hellish drinking) who make it back. 

But I've yet to hear a single one of them stand up and tell us how great it was to get back out there puking their guts up every morning. 

No matter how busy a life AA gives us in the real world, we must make getting to meetings a priority. Without them we remain at high risk for relapse, no matter how much time we have in our recovery.

I'd be a wealthy woman today if I had just one dollar, or pound, or euro for every time I've heard a retread returning after a slip say:

 "I drank after I quit going to meetings."

How can any of us forget we were absolutely unable to quit drinking before we got to Alcoholics Anonymous? 

We can forget because - unlike us - our disease never forgets. 

And it wants us back. 

Attendance at meetings offers us a chance at a new, fulfilling, and ever-expanding life.

  Meetings give us all the direction, connection and support we need to reach that "life beyond our wildest dreams."

As one of the oldest of AA truisms states: 

"Meeting Makers Make It."

 

Made A Decision

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  The Fifth Step ... Admitted!

Step Five - Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Why?

If God knows all our secrets and forgives them, why do we have to hang all our dirty laundry out there in front of another person?

Answer - Because to walk a spiritual path we must learn all about honesty, humility and obedience to a Power greater than us.

Our Higher Power needs us to step out in faith here, because we will otherwise remain as sick as our secrets.

Step Four took courage. Step Five takes guts.

It's one of our most important steps along our spiritual path.

That's because, as my old Geordie Gran often said:

"It cleans you ooot."

She was talking about castor oil moving the bowels, of course, while I'm talking about getting rid of emotional shit.

But it's the same thing, both are potentially toxic.

As many of you readers know, we just held a Fourth Step workshop in my home group. My hope is those who were there have already made an appointment to follow up with an immediate Fifth Step. It's never good to hang on to toxins one moment longer than we have to!

Those who have done their Fourth and Fifth steps in quick succession often report on the immediate benefit they received:

Some say they felt "lighter,"

others more "connected" to their recovery,

while many post-5th steppers say they felt "set free."

I felt none of that.

I was disappointed, but at least I was able to tick off another step box I'd "done" in AA and move along to the next. (Box ticking was very important to me at the time.)

I didn't then realize how walled off I still was from my feelings, but it wasn't long after doing my Fourth and Fifth steps that I began experiencing all of them.

Hindsight being 20/20, I eventually connected the dots that having done my Fourth and Fifth Steps allowed me to finally actually feel.

I didn't like it at first, either. Few of us do. After all, alcohol and other drugs allowed us to shut down our bad and sad feelings, and we used them often for that very purpose.

But our feelings - or emotions - are all gifts from that Greater Power. Getting in touch with them, learning to understand what a gift they really are, is part of healthy recovery.

Some feelings do hurt, of course, but once we've acknowledged them they don't have to be fatal. This includes the ones that really, really, really hurt - because we will have learned so much from them once they're finally in our rear-view mirror.

Learning to be grateful for our feelings (this means all of them) is part of our growth in recovery. We will have to work at this, but - again to quote my old Gran - "Everything worth having takes a wee bit of work."

Bullet Points for Step Five:

1. No one wants to do a Fifth Step. Do it anyway.

2. AA’s founders recommended doing a Fifth Step immediately after getting our Fourth Step down on paper. 

3. Set aside a morning or afternoon with your sponsor, a trusted friend, your priest or rabbi, or anyone you trust (but not a live-in partner) and read your Fourth Step aloud to them. 

4. We are as sick as our secrets. Get everything (ALL of it) out in the open. 

5. Your Higher Power didn’t bring you this far to drop you on your head. Do the most thorough Fifth Step you can. The benefits will very soon reveal themselves to you.

 

Online Step Four workshop this week - March 12 - Starts Noon UK time (seven a.m. eastern USA, four a.m. western USA),

Zoom in on ID - 902 520 680, password 255212.

Contact me at o.kay.dockside@gmail.com beforehand and I'll forward the paperwork to print out for use in the workshop.

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The Fourth Step:

Made a searching and thorough inventory of ourselves.

There is no harm for us in any of the steps. They are all designed to improve and enhance our lives, to get us - and keep us - sober. Doing them is basic to what's meant when we hear in meetings: "It works when we work it."

Step Four is designed to introduce us to the truth about ourselves - and it's always truth that sets us free!

Step Four is where the "take action" steps begin. When we pick up our pen we will have actually begun to “work the steps.” Arriving at Step Four is also where some major panic can set in, because at first glance Step Four looks like very scary territory.

Please don't feel badly if your initial reaction to doing the step is one of terror. It's perfectly natural to have the jitters when faced with some serious self-examination for the first time. Rest assured, once a thorough Step Four is behind you, the fear of it will be behind you, too, never to return.

My home group - the Living on God's Terms (LGT) Group - started hosting Step Four Workshops after it became clear few of our group's newcomers had yet taken the Step Four plunge. One of them had even wished out loud they could all do it together.

Knowing Fourth Step workshops were not uncommon in the states, we held a group conscience meeting where the members decided to host one. We then requested workshop material from overseas. The LGT Group has been doing a couple of Fourth Step workshops each year ever since. They have been life-changing for many.

AA members overall hold different views of the Fourth Step (and pretty much everything else), but no one is wrong.

There is no wrong way to do a fourth step other than to not do one!

Some members write one thorough Fourth Step and never feel the need to do another one. Others do one every year or whenever they feel the need.

I did the most thorough Fourth Step I was capable of in my first year of recovery. More issues were later revealed, so I've since done a couple more complete Fourth Steps, plus two one-issue Fourth Steps that turned out to be of huge importance to my recovery.

My first Fourth Step was done as directed in our Big Book and that's also the format we use for our workshop. There was a fad for a while for writing a biographical Fourth Step, but that seems to have faded away a bit now.

Some members still, however, swear by them. (I did one myself when they were trendy, but haven't felt the need to do another one.)

There are no hard and fast rules on any of this. The important thing is to get our "stuff" down on paper so we can take stock of who we were, are, and where we want to go in our sober future.

In our workshop the presenter will outline our system, set times for each topic, and stand by to answer any questions that may come up during the writing.

If you are doing a Fourth Step on your own, it's best to begin by reading about the Fourth Step in both our Big Book and the 12&12, and then take up any remaining questions with your sponsor before starting on the writing.

(It won't hurt workshop participants to review these two books for Fourth Step guidance beforehand, either).

To do the work on our own we'll need to set aside a morning or afternoon where we won't be disturbed. (That means phones and laptops off and out of sight, along with a "do not disturb" sign on the door, if necessary.)

Using the outline in the Big Book as your guide, sit down with a pen and plenty of paper and go at it. We're literally taking an inventory here and our goal is to get as much as we can about ourselves down on paper. That includes a nod to our good qualities, too.

We may indeed be short-tempered, selfish, or prone to telling lies - but we may also be loyal friends, hard workers and reliable pet owners. We need to at least acknowledge some of the good stuff, too.

Our Workshop allows participants to complete a very thorough Fourth Step where we will get our most important issues down on paper in under four hours. More issues may be revealed at a later date (when we're perhaps better able to deal with them), but we'll get to the all-important basics on the day.

HP only gives us what we are able to handle at any given time.

(Although I've often felt HP was a bit more confident in my being able to handle something than I was at the time.)

Chapter Six in the Big Book is called "Into Action," not "Into thinking." Stop thinking and worrying about doing your Fourth Step and get on with it!"

 Once these two crucial steps - Four and Five - have been completed you'll feel (and be) reborn!

No worries! You've already faced your biggest fear when you decided to attend your first AA meeting. A Fourth Step is a mere paper tiger in comparison.

Here are some Bullet Points for Step Four:

1. The Big Book of AA outlines how to do Step Four. Read it and think about it.

2. Take up any questions you may still have with your sponsor.

3. Set aside a morning or afternoon when you won’t be disturbed. Sit down with pen and paper or a notebook and go to it. Use the Big Book outline as your guide. Take prayer breaks if needed.

4. Some people prefer to just write their Fourth Step autobiographically and that can work, too. The goal here is not perfection. The goal is to get words down on paper.

5. Remember to add the positive things about yourself to your inventory. No one is all bad - not even terminally-unique you.

6. You should be able to complete a first Fourth Step in from two to four hours. You'll then have on paper the immediate things for working on with your sponsor.

7. Your written Fourth Step will give you everything you need to do an immediate Fifth Step.

8. If a Fourth Step Workshop is available to you, sign up for it - and then show up and take part.