Made A Decision

(61)

    The Discipline of Kindness

My courageous first sponsor, Mary Z., met and guided me through the early days of my AA journey. She had her work cut out for her, too. I wasn't above physical violence against others in those days and sarcasm often dripped like acid drool from my lips. 

In those early days I subscribed whole-heartedly to the advice of master comedian Billy Connolly - "Hit them before they stop talking." 

So I'm always amused when people think I'm a nice person. I am not. Left to my own devices I am an irritable, restless and discontented woman who wouldn't hesitate to hurt you if it might benefit me. You should be very pleased you have met me while I'm striving to stay under the influence of the God of my understanding.

After Mary had taken me through all twelve steps she told me my remaining ugly go-to behavior when stressed was neither smart nor attractive. She suggested I would benefit greatly by adopting "the discipline of kindness." (Being one smart old lady she didn't tell me I'd be working on this for the rest of my bloody life.) 

In explaining how the discipline of kindness works, Mary told me the spiritual life is not a theory, that we have to live it. She quoted things said by poets like Ella Wheeler Wilcox, "This is the unpardonable sin, to talk discouragingly to human souls hungering for hope." 

Mary gave me the words of journalist Bob Goddard who said: "Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in life you will have been all of these."

Mary explained that having spiritual vision meant looking at life and people as God does. And she assured me that "God can make all things new, even you."

AA literature tells us more than once that we alcoholics are undisciplined people. But instead of thinking of discipline as a dirty word, we might consider thinking of it as it actually is - a way to bring order to our lives so that we can live in a more sane and happy way. 

Would you like the tolerance and wisdom to avoid having a knee-jerk reaction to what other people say and do? Ask your Higher Power for it - and then practice, practice, practice having it.

This isn't a new technique or new advice. The late medieval German-Dutch Canon,Thomas à Kempis, said: "Thou must learn to renounce thy own will in many things, if thou wilt keep peace and concord with others."

And seers from all the major religions have one way or another said: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

So when my sponsor pointed out I was often unkind and needed to reign that in, she pointed me to earlier teachings and said I should strive for kindness toward others whether I thought they deserved it or not. 

"The sun doesn't shine on some flowers, but not others," she said. "Love cannot be exclusive." 

I've learned since that loving in that way is all about listening to others and truthful sharing. It's about accepting others just as they are and not as we would have them be. And it's about trying to view others through God's eyes and not through our own very limited vision.

When we work on living a disciplined life we stop competing with others. Our only competition is with ourselves as we seek each day to surpass being the person we were yesterday.

It has been written many times and in many ways that our thoughts become our words; words become our actions; actions then become habits; habits become our character and it is our character that creates our destiny.

When we learn self-discipline - especially the discipline of kindness - we let go of our resentments, hates, fears, gossip and pride. People in our lives who continue to hang onto those things will slowly exit, stage left. But people striving to become better people will arrive. 

We take out of life what we put into it and the satisfaction we earn through sober self-discipline becomes the ability to live a good life. Our battered world doesn't need super heroes, it needs people willing to get rid of the self in their lives and let their Higher Power work through them. With enough people willing to be used by God for His purposes He could remake the world.

These days I often tell complete strangers in passing that I love what they're wearing, or that they have a great smile that has made my day, or how stylish their hairdo is, and other things like that. A small minority of those people will look startled and scurry away. Most, however, light up with delight like candle-lit pumpkins. Best of all, we both feel happier!

Our fellowship in AA teaches us how to care about what others are feeling and hoping and praying for. It begins to matter to us when our friends are hurting, or troubled, or ill, or not getting to meetings, or sad, angry or confused. We learn to reach out to them. I didn't do a whole lot of that before I got to AA. Even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have known how to even try. The fellowship of AA, and our Higher Power, teach us how to do these things. More importantly, they teach us to want to and they support us while we learn.

As Bill Wilson said, "We recovering alcoholics are not so much brothers in virtue as we are brothers in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome them." 

Whenever I allow my own inherent selfishness, dishonesty, fear or resentment to remain rooted in me I block out the sunlight of the spirit. To remain in that light I must practice being helpful and friendly to all who come near me. I must search to find something about them to love, welcome them, and help them if they ask for my help.

Above all, I must send no one away carrying the feeling that I don't care about them. The person standing in front of me may be desperate for a kind word and God may have sent them to me to get it. If I repulse them I will have failed both God and myself.

And I know that for sure, because a long time ago a woman I didn't much care for asked me after my Friday meeting if I would be her sponsor. I gave her short shrift and a lame excuse about not having time to take on anyone else. Then I left with my laughing group of good friends to go enjoy "the meeting after the meeting in a nearby coffee shop."

Over that weekend sometime that woman hanged herself. 

Could I have saved her from that?

No. 

But could I have been kinder to her.

Yes.

I live with that memory, so you don't have to.

Always be kind.

 

Made a Decision

(60)

Trudging the Trudge

At the end of the last chapter in our Big Book, "A Vision for You," it says: 

"... and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of happy Destiny."

Notice the author didn't say: "... as you skip along the Road of Happy Destiny." 

The word used was "Trudge." 

It's a valuable and interesting word choice.

Our dictionary tells us that trudge means - "to walk or march steadily and usually laboriously." 

We don't initially see our recovery as a trudge. After all, it's such a relief to be set free from addiction, to have a fellowship of support around us, to enjoy each new day in sobriety. 

We will enjoy our pink cloud ride until (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) something happens in our life to shake us loose and - depending on the severity of the cause - drop us down a notch or straight into a chasm of despair. 

And, just like when we fall off that proverbial horse, the best thing we can do is to climb right back up onto that pink cloud for another and even longer ride. 

The trick, of course, is in learning how to do that.

Tip - it takes putting into practice more of everything we've learned in recovery so far.

(Prayer helps, too.) 

The school of life, like most schools (including the one called Alcoholics Anonymous), gives us a series of lessons and then we're handed a pop quiz - or - sometimes an even more significant test. 

Afterwards we get to grade ourselves on how well we've done. 

And even if we feel we've let ourselves down a bit, we can look at where we lost the plot and then promise ourselves to do better next time. 

 

That's how we grow and change for the better.

Life Happens. Sometimes it's as yummy as a piece of home-baked cake and we happily stroll along enjoying every bite. 

Sometimes life sucker-punches us in a way we absolutely didn't see coming and knocks us to our knees. 

                                            Here's the good news: 

   The view from our knees usually offers us a higher view. It is here that we learn we can handle all of life's events in the very same way - with gratitude.

When the going is good we can develop our sense of gratitude by appreciating every good sober day. Living with no "itches to scratch in this moment" is the very definition of that. Stay grateful!

When the going is shit, we can practice having gratitude for our sobriety, for having the AA tool kit offering us ways to handle our pain, and for our AA friends who rally around to keep us from plummeting further into depression.

Chopping the bad times into manageable day-at-a-time chunks, while reaching out to our Higher Power for help and guidance, will get us through any and ALL situations that used to send us to the bottle. 

Sometimes we must confront our need for help by admitting to ourselves and to others that we need it. It’s not easy to share the intimate details of our lives, but it is the key to escape from our pain.  

An old saying sums it up: "A trouble shared is a trouble halved," 

The magic in sharing ourselves with others is hard to define, but the healing for everyone involved always follows. 

Every single day someone's recovery begins when one alcoholic shares his or her experience, strength and hope with another. That's the heart and soul of AA at work. 

The same kind of healing continues throughout our "trudge" whenever we share our pain and thereby open ourselves to healing. Love from others will get us through.

Spiritual awakenings come in all shapes and sizes. For some the earth moves right away and for others it can be a long old slog ... but if we stay sober, continue to do-the-doing of recovery to the best of our ability, live to the best of our ability each day  - and stay grateful - we'll get there. 

Our need is God's opportunity. The spiritual path is the best adventure we can ever undertake. Yes, there's some trudging to be done, but it is also filled with discoveries, laughter, amazing revelations, surprises of the best kind, terrific friendships, delightful books, breathtaking moments ... it's the best and highest "high" there is. 

I wish I had realized all of this a lot sooner, but it's here for any of us when we do those first three steps every morning (with heavy emphasis on Step Three), and then get out of our own way. 

                        Does our trudge on earth end? Sure. When we die. 

Until then we will continue to have our valuable and needed "lessons" all throughout our spiritual adventure of recovery. 

And we will always need shared experience, strength, and hope from others who skip and/or trudge along with us on our spiritual path - regardless of our age or how long we've been sober. 

 

Made a Decision

( 59)

The God Problem

"Just do the fucking Steps first and then worry about God afterwards."

So said my AA friend (herself a card-carrying atheist after a couple of decades-plus of good AA sobriety) to a rebellious newcomer complaining about all our program's God stuff.

I couldn't have said it any better. 

I have a lot of sober atheists and agnostics in my life, my own sponsor being one of them. I seem to attract them. I consider myself fortunate. 

They keep me on my spiritual toes. 

Bill W. and Dr. Bob liked them, too. Here following are some samples from letters between them on the subject:

       I have had many experiences with atheists, mostly good. Everybody in A.A. has the right to his own opinion. It is much better to maintain an open and tolerant society than it is to suppress any small disturbances their opinions might occasion. Actually, I don't know of anybody who went off and died of alcoholism because of some atheist's opinions on the cosmos. 

     But I do always entreat these folks to look to a 'Higher Power' - namely, their own group. When they come in, most of their A.A. group is sober, and they are drunk. Therefore, the group is a 'Higher Power.'

      That's a good enough start, and most of them do progress from there. I know how they feel, because I was once that way myself.   LETTER, 1962

And this, written shortly after the publication of our Big Book:

... Our group conscience was at work to construct the most acceptable and effective book possible. Every voice was playing its appointed part. Our atheists and agnostics widened our gateway so that all who suffer might pass through, regardless of their belief or lack of belief.  LETTER, 1954

       The fact is, some of our members never find a personal God - and they stay sober anyway. 

But I've noticed, among the sober agnostics and atheists I know personally, they've also all cleaned house, are active in service, have a home group, go to lots of meetings, sponsor others through the 12-steps, share their experience, strength, and hope when asked and are often the first ones to step up to welcome a newcomer.

I've attended a few atheist AA meetings myself over the years (they exist all over the world). It felt to me like being served a good meal lacking salt, but group members there got their own needs met. To each our own. Our program is big enough to fit all of us.

Many new members (being all or nothing people) want to understand everything right away. We want our God-doubts erased and all our questions answered now. It generally doesn't work that way. Each of us arrives carrying our own baggage:

Some arrive angry over having been raised with a hellfire and brimstone god. They're often relieved to find a God they can tailor to their own needs and readily start their spiritual journey over again. 

Others enter recovery with a working understanding of a Higher Power and can plug right into the God concept. 

Then there are those who are content knowing other members' belief in a Higher Power has kept them sober.  They feel if it has worked for those other idiots it can also work for them.

Someone in AA once said: 

"The Twelve Steps were designed for desperate people like us - as a short-cut to God." 

When I arrived in AA I was willing to believe, but didn't think it would actually be possible. I had enough confusion and distrust about this God thing then to fill and sink a battleship.

Mainly I believed that God - if there was one - was not a Christian, Jew, Muslim,  Buddhist, Hindu, or anything else. 

I had decided all organized religions were systems my species had created to control other people - or maybe (on my more generous days) - to attempt a framework for people to find some relief from the pain of living.

My brother describes the world's religions in a way I now quite like: 

"Take a pie, cut it up and label each piece as a major world religion. Every piece of that pie has some important spiritual truth in it. And the only problems arrive when one piece of it wants to become the entire pie."

I arrived in AA, as so many of us do, unable to trust a God I couldn't see or feel. I didn't believe an unseen being could care for me or my petty problems.

 Out of desperation I surrendered my alcoholism to AA's Higher Power, but I held tightly to every other problem I had, convinced I could handle the rest of my life in my own way.

Gradually, over a long length of time, I cautiously began to hand these issues over - one at a time - to that unseen power. 

And gradually, over a length of time, I saw resolution of problems that had always baffled me.

(An AA friend once gave me a mug bearing the words: "Everything I've ever surrendered has my claw marks all over it.")

My God-answers always showed up in ways I never would have thought of, too - in radio commercials; a sign on a bus; an overheard comment; voiced in a meeting by someone I didn't like; in a song lyric or a display in a shop window - to name just a few.

Like when my Higher Power indicated I might need more balance in my life. 

The word BALANCE was everywhere during that "lesson." 

If I turned on the radio I'd find a lecture about "living in a more BALANCED way." If I sat on the toilet there would be a box of detergent nearby bearing the words: "For a BALANCED washing ...", 

A television program offered, "... watch in amazement as this man BALANCES on the thin wire between these buildings  ...  and so on.

It can take some of us a long old time to find a "God of our understanding." 

I'm grateful I eventually got there. I now know for sure my life has become easier since I stopped trying to get along without God's help. 

And what I find most interesting is that the connection I found remains one that is ever evolving - and ever expanding.  

Or, as I read recently and then jotted down in my journal: 

"God is continually expressing Himself in new ways - but this is not improvement; it is unfoldment. Your life is simply part of this unfoldment, and that is the only reason for you existing at all. 

You are the living expression of God now - and to understand this is salvation." 

As Bill Wilson wrote about his own "aha" experience:

 "Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes.A new world came into view."

                      Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Bill's Story, pg. 12

   The God of my own understanding is all around us, a loving and guiding (when we let it) spirit that pervades the universe. 

But  I no longer think that our finding God is even the point. 

Continually seeking God is the point. 

 

Made a Decision

(58)

                                         AA Etiquette 

I once spoke about AA Etiquette at an AA workshop. I was pleased to do so, because I was able to talk about both old-school behaviors and the actions we now see today. Some of today's activities, after all, were not around when AA first began. And other marvels, like having worldwide zoom meetings available to us 24/7, haven't even yet been around for three full years!

But the way I see it, behaving with AA Etiquette - old and new - is all based on common courtesy.

Sponsors, back when I got sober along with the other dinosaurs, made it their business to teach us how to behave in meetings. I still continue doing what she taught me because, let's face it, she knew lots more than me.

I was told to:

Arrive at meetings on time (or rather, arrive at least ten minutes early); 

Apologize to the group if I got there late for any reason.

Not whisper to nearby others during a meeting; 

Dress nicely when asked to speak at an AA function, even when just asked to share in my home group; 

Help set up for the meetings and help clean up afterward;

Get my cuppa before the meeting began and - unless my gut required an emergency trip to the toilet - to sit down and stay put until after the meeting;

Be willing to read items in the meeting when asked; 

Be sure to greet any newcomer warmly; 

Not to gossip about fellow members;

Become involved with service work,

and so on.

To the above I would now add:

No texting or playing online games during a meeting (to my astonishment I've seen both);

Turn off phones when entering any meeting, in-person or on zoom; 

And no cooking, eating or otherwise wandering around the house during a zoom meeting. 

(If you must wander, cook or eat, turn off your video so you won't distract those who'd rather focus on the meeting than on your reality show).

If there is an emergency situation in your life (loved one in hospital, a possible call in from work, etc.), set your phone on silent alert. If you then must leave you can turn off your video before texting your response and then can leave quietly. 

           Basically - be considerate, attentive and don't disrupt meetings.

 After all, when we go to a religious service of any kind - wedding, funeral, or any others, we don't whip out a snack to munch on, or wander around the room for the duration of that service. We don't do that when we go to the theatre, either. So we CAN control ourselves for the length of time it takes to sit through a meeting. 

We show respect for our program by showing up on time, or a bit early, by listening to the readings at the beginning of our meetings, and by listening to others when they share - yes, even those we think talk too much.

We arrive early, BTW, so we can get to know other members better, to welcome that nervous newcomer hovering in the doorway, to read if asked to do so by the Chairperson - in other words to become an active member of the group and not just an uninvolved visitor.

We can be around AA for weeks, months and even years before, in a split second, something we've heard read out many times suddenly becomes crystal clear, taking on a whole new meaning - and value - for our recovery. So we can never hear our Preamble, Steps, Traditions and Promises read aloud too many times.

The same is true for actively listening to each person when they speak. My Higher Power uses group members to deliver personal messages directly to me, often from the lips of a person I would least expect to hear an important message from. (I suspect your Higher Power does the same.) When we stop paying attention we risk not hearing our HP's message of the day!

Gossip can and does kill. Don't do it. 

Despite our laughter, sharing and learning, we need to always remember we alcoholics are highly sensitive people who are dealing with a deadly disease.

Gossip, even one thoughtless comment to-or-about someone in recovery, might drive them out of AA and they may never make it back. That can be their death sentence. AA is our safe place. It's our job to keep it safe for everyone.

Don't cross talk, but DO cross share!

Here's the difference:

       Cross Talk: When a person in AA is speaking - especially if they are talking about a problem they're having in their life - we do not interrupt them or otherwise disturb their train of thought with eye rolls, sighs, fidgeting, or other distractions.

Doing so is Cross Talk and it is rude in the extreme, even when we are busting a gut to share something we think might be helpful to them.

Our job is to let each member share (or vent) without any input from us beyond our active listening.

       Cross Sharing: When it becomes our turn to share we can address a problem brought up earlier by saying how we dealt with the same - or similar - problem, using methods we've learned in AA. 

Solutions like praying for someone who has harmed us, or applying a particular step to the situation, or finding a better way to handle it by studying Chapter Whatever in the Big Book, and so on. 

That's what we are supposed to do! That's what AA was built upon - one drunk sharing what we've learned with another drunk. That kind of sharing is an important part for our continuing to live a sober and better life.

"I" messages - Alcoholics don't take well to being told what to do. The moment we hear "YOU need to ..." our minds shut down and our fists come up.

 (Non-alcoholics don't seem to take to that start for a sentence much either.) 

So, because our founders knew exactly who they were dealing with, the "I" message came into use very early on. Meaning we soften our suggestions by putting them back onto us.

Examples: 

"I felt exactly the same way about my boss, too, but I found if I prayed for him, everything quickly got better."

"I learned early on that I couldn't afford to miss meetings."

"When I reach out to help another alcoholic, I benefit more than they do."

         See the difference? 

Most of the time "WE" is the word of choice in AA, as in: "WE admitted we were powerless of alcohol," "WE are a fellowship of people," "As WE understood Him ..." and so on. But, when well used, "I" messages are an effective and proper use of the word "I."

Some people, even groups, have a problem with members who use swear words to express themselves. 

I'm not one of them. 

A little salty speech won't hurt us, whereas a pious and judgemental attitude often will.

Had I arrived at my first meeting and heard members talking sanctimoniously about God I might have thought I had stumbled into a church prayer meeting and - trust me - I would have left and never returned. 

And finally - I know I now come across often as a crabby old timer - and I am 

(my brother, also a somewhat less crabby old timer, calls me an AA Nazi), 

but I hold meetings and our program as a sacred space. 

It is my hope you will (or do) come to view them so, too.