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Made A Decision

(61)

    The Discipline of Kindness

My courageous first sponsor, Mary Z., met and guided me through the early days of my AA journey. She had her work cut out for her, too. I wasn't above physical violence against others in those days and sarcasm often dripped like acid drool from my lips. 

In those early days I subscribed whole-heartedly to the advice of master comedian Billy Connolly - "Hit them before they stop talking." 

So I'm always amused when people think I'm a nice person. I am not. Left to my own devices I am an irritable, restless and discontented woman who wouldn't hesitate to hurt you if it might benefit me. You should be very pleased you have met me while I'm striving to stay under the influence of the God of my understanding.

After Mary had taken me through all twelve steps she told me my remaining ugly go-to behavior when stressed was neither smart nor attractive. She suggested I would benefit greatly by adopting "the discipline of kindness." (Being one smart old lady she didn't tell me I'd be working on this for the rest of my bloody life.) 

In explaining how the discipline of kindness works, Mary told me the spiritual life is not a theory, that we have to live it. She quoted things said by poets like Ella Wheeler Wilcox, "This is the unpardonable sin, to talk discouragingly to human souls hungering for hope." 

Mary gave me the words of journalist Bob Goddard who said: "Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in life you will have been all of these."

Mary explained that having spiritual vision meant looking at life and people as God does. And she assured me that "God can make all things new, even you."

AA literature tells us more than once that we alcoholics are undisciplined people. But instead of thinking of discipline as a dirty word, we might consider thinking of it as it actually is - a way to bring order to our lives so that we can live in a more sane and happy way. 

Would you like the tolerance and wisdom to avoid having a knee-jerk reaction to what other people say and do? Ask your Higher Power for it - and then practice, practice, practice having it.

This isn't a new technique or new advice. The late medieval German-Dutch Canon,Thomas à Kempis, said: "Thou must learn to renounce thy own will in many things, if thou wilt keep peace and concord with others."

And seers from all the major religions have one way or another said: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

So when my sponsor pointed out I was often unkind and needed to reign that in, she pointed me to earlier teachings and said I should strive for kindness toward others whether I thought they deserved it or not. 

"The sun doesn't shine on some flowers, but not others," she said. "Love cannot be exclusive." 

I've learned since that loving in that way is all about listening to others and truthful sharing. It's about accepting others just as they are and not as we would have them be. And it's about trying to view others through God's eyes and not through our own very limited vision.

When we work on living a disciplined life we stop competing with others. Our only competition is with ourselves as we seek each day to surpass being the person we were yesterday.

It has been written many times and in many ways that our thoughts become our words; words become our actions; actions then become habits; habits become our character and it is our character that creates our destiny.

When we learn self-discipline - especially the discipline of kindness - we let go of our resentments, hates, fears, gossip and pride. People in our lives who continue to hang onto those things will slowly exit, stage left. But people striving to become better people will arrive. 

We take out of life what we put into it and the satisfaction we earn through sober self-discipline becomes the ability to live a good life. Our battered world doesn't need super heroes, it needs people willing to get rid of the self in their lives and let their Higher Power work through them. With enough people willing to be used by God for His purposes He could remake the world.

These days I often tell complete strangers in passing that I love what they're wearing, or that they have a great smile that has made my day, or how stylish their hairdo is, and other things like that. A small minority of those people will look startled and scurry away. Most, however, light up with delight like candle-lit pumpkins. Best of all, we both feel happier!

Our fellowship in AA teaches us how to care about what others are feeling and hoping and praying for. It begins to matter to us when our friends are hurting, or troubled, or ill, or not getting to meetings, or sad, angry or confused. We learn to reach out to them. I didn't do a whole lot of that before I got to AA. Even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have known how to even try. The fellowship of AA, and our Higher Power, teach us how to do these things. More importantly, they teach us to want to and they support us while we learn.

As Bill Wilson said, "We recovering alcoholics are not so much brothers in virtue as we are brothers in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome them." 

Whenever I allow my own inherent selfishness, dishonesty, fear or resentment to remain rooted in me I block out the sunlight of the spirit. To remain in that light I must practice being helpful and friendly to all who come near me. I must search to find something about them to love, welcome them, and help them if they ask for my help.

Above all, I must send no one away carrying the feeling that I don't care about them. The person standing in front of me may be desperate for a kind word and God may have sent them to me to get it. If I repulse them I will have failed both God and myself.

And I know that for sure, because a long time ago a woman I didn't much care for asked me after my Friday meeting if I would be her sponsor. I gave her short shrift and a lame excuse about not having time to take on anyone else. Then I left with my laughing group of good friends to go enjoy "the meeting after the meeting in a nearby coffee shop."

Over that weekend sometime that woman hanged herself. 

Could I have saved her from that?

No. 

But could I have been kinder to her.

Yes.

I live with that memory, so you don't have to.

Always be kind.