Made a Decision 

  

Note: This might help men better understand their sisters in sobriety. That can only be a good thing.  

             

                           Women in the “Fellowship.”

(Dictionary: "Fellow - noun - informal meaning - a man or boy.")

Women in AA should always remember “The Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous was written in a much earlier time and was penned by white men for white men. 

A lot of my friends in recovery are neither white nor men. So I've witnessed first hand some of their problems with our AA literature.

AA's Founding Fathers weren't initially even sure women could get and stay sober in the AA program, as evidenced in the following written in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age:"

"... In the beginning we could not sober up women. They were different, they said ..."

And we are different, in ways I'll get to a little further on.

But first:

I was a working journalist when I got sober. During my first year or two in recovery I absolutely wanted to rewrite the Big Book. I thought the language there was dated at best and sexist at worst. But I was still living a life on fast forward for much of my early recovery, so I never found the free time to tackle that project.

I now appreciate my HP's hand here in keeping me that busy, because - over time - I have learned everything a woman needs to stay sober is already right there in the book “Alcoholics Anonymous.” 

We just have to become open enough to receive it.

Even so, being female, I can also be pleased that in recent decades other recovering women have written books geared more toward helping women in recovery.

Among them, the book A Woman’ Way Through the 12 Steps, by Stephanie S. Covington, has become a recovery classic that has helped scores of women. Its chapters on Relationship and Sexuality are worth the price of the book alone.

I also believe the most important thing a woman in recovery can do for herself is to join an all women's AA group - or to start one if necessary.

 I’ve helped start three of them, two in the USA and one in the UK. The UK group faded away, as did one in the states, but the one in Savannah, Georgia - now 40 years around - remains a big healthy group.

(When I arrived in AA I was told all you needed to start a new group was "a resentment and a coffee pot." Clearly I knew a lot about resentment as I've started, or helped start, ten AA groups, most of which are still thriving.)

 Women’s groups themselves have been around since the 1950s, by the way, so if you are trying to get one started in your own area don’t let anyone bully you into thinking they’re something “new.”

 My sisters-in-sobriety are vitally important to me and my own recovery, but I adore the men in AA, too. Nearly all of the people around me in my early recovery were men. Without them I would never have stayed sober.

The courage, direction, compassion and humour of those men in my first AA group propped me up and got me safely through my weakest moments. I will always remain in their debt.

And there are many lovely men in my AA life today, including my Sunday Guys, three men I absolutely count on to guide me further along in my sober journey.

But many men in AA still sometimes get all huffy when local women decide to form a group just for them. They'll give all kinds of reasons why a women's group isn't necessary, too. I've heard them all:

They'll say a woman alcoholic is no different from a man alcoholic, or ...

that women think they're special (dangerously "unique") in thinking they might need their own group ...

and some men will even more bluntly ask, "What's so damned secret you women can't talk about it in a regular meeting?"

(I suspect those same men fear we want our own meeting just so we can talk about them! Relax fellows, we don't.)

The fact is we still live in a male-dominated society where something as basic as equal pay for equal work continues to remain controversial. That condescending kind of stuff rankles at a very deep level. Men seldom give much thought to this, but trust me, guys, women do.

I'm going to digress here and leave AA for a moment to tell you about a social study of men and women that may help shed a little light on this subject of male/female differences and needs:

Each person in that study was asked what they most feared regarding the other sex when they were involved in an intimate relationship.

Most of the men questioned said they feared if they let themselves be vulnerable their woman partner might ridicule or laugh at them.

Contrast that with the majority of the women who confessed their biggest fear was their partner might at some point become angry enough to kill them.

With that information in mind we will return now to the subject of recovery.

While it is obviously true that both men and women can become alcoholics, the results of "our" disease - and our fears - can impact our lives in very different ways.

All drunks are shamed by the society they live in, but until they’ve reached the lowest point in their drinking men are perceived as “someone who just doesn’t know when to quit.” 

Women at that late stage (or often long before) are perceived as bad women. Period.

A drunk man staggering along the street is even today often seen as a figure of fun, someone to be laughed at. But that "funny drunk" in the movie or TV sitcom is nearly always a man.

A woman staggering from drink along a street is seen as disgusting, even by some as a viable target for sexual assault. 

 (I managed once while drunk to hide from a group of men with that intent who were themselves too drunk to find me. I learned right then there's some truth to that phrase "scared sober." I wasn't suddenly sober, but I managed to become very alert - and stay hidden.)

Women alcoholics who live with physical abuse in their homes often turn to the bottle for comfort, thereby inviting a whole new level of verbal abuse.

When told regularly we are "terrible mothers, rotten housekeepers, disgusting, fat, lazy bitches, whores, scum ..." - or worse - we don't walk away from that unscathed. A woman who finds she can not stop drinking feels like a shameful failure already, so verbal abuse of that kind just adds to her existing mountain of self-loathing.

I have been a member of regular AA groups in several countries and in every one of them there have been women who never spoke. They were always there, they listened, they continued to stay sober, but they never spoke aloud in a meeting.

They couldn't.

These were women who had been abused as children by male family members and later (often when quite young) went on to marry abusive men. Their voices had been silenced by men all their lives.

It was only when those women became members in women's groups, and came to believe their thoughts and feelings had some value worth sharing, that they began to speak.

I have known such women. I have sponsored such women. So I am now, and always will be, a champion of women's AA groups.

Because here's the best news.

Once the silent women discover their self-worth inside their women's meetings, they then venture out into regular AA meetings. 

And they bring with  them a powerful wisdom and level of compassion that benefits everyone in our program of recovery.

 

Sunday, October 31, 2021 - Masks (are not just about Halloween).

Made a Decision

                                         

                     Masks    

One of the quickest ways to become exhausted is by suppressing our feelings. 

Sue Patton Thoele, Author

Most of us didn't even know what a feeling was when we got into recovery. We had spent years hiding from them in a bottle.

I didn't know how sick I was when I got to AA until I started getting better. Discovering and experiencing more feelings than just "rage" or "anger" was an important, terrifying, exhilarating and fear-inducing part of my early recovery.

 I wouldn't want to live through that experience again - but I'm glad I went through it. Doing so allowed me to stay sober.

 Learning to once again feel our feelings allows us to reclaim the sensitivity we once knew as small children.

When we wall off our feelings, to the point where we don't know what we actually feel, we tend to study those around us and borrow their behaviors. Through imitation we can then create a mask to wear, so we can look good on the outside, no matter what's going on inside. 

Our masks can take many forms. Sometimes we design one that feels like a good fit and we stick with it. Others, those of us who are especially insecure, slip and slide between masks by wearing whichever one feels right at a particular moment.

Here are some examples:

The "Looking Good" mask: 

Wearers of this mask are glib talkers, manipulative, self-centered, humourous, deceitful, and (because their mask hides their darker side), they can often be quite delightful to be around. They have charm to spare. They are also able to appear far more put together than they actually are.

Behind this mask is an angry frightened person who suffers from a sense of entitlement. This mask is prone to slip when the wearer doesn't get what they want when they want it. 

(Note: I wore this mask when I first arrived in AA ... and for a very long time afterward.) 

The "I am Angry and will Keep You at Arm's Length No Matter What," mask." 

These mask wearers can be victims or bullies, or both. They manipulate through temper tantrums and by pulling away before others can retaliate. They have been hurt in the past and expect to be hurt today and in the future. They keep their guard up always against that possibility. 

They sometimes behave in ways that make them hard to love as a way to keep others at arm's length. Behind their mask they are lonely, confused and sad.

(Note: I wore this mask a lot when I arrived in AA, too. I was as much fun to be around then as broken glass.)

The wearer of the: "I am Helpful, Cheerful, Nurturing, Warm, and Kind" mask is often furious behind it.

 They wear their "nice" face to conceal - and control - their anger. They believe if they show their real feelings, people won't like them and they'll be abandoned. 

These mask wearers are usually women, but men are not exempt and will wear it if it feels comfortable. 

(Note: I've worn this mask, too, especially in relationships.)

"The Victim" mask is unattractive and obvious, but many of us wear it anyway. When still drinking these mask wearers believed if others would treat them better they wouldn't have to drink. After sobriety they learn this isn't true, but they don't feel able to take the mask off, so they find other ways to remain victims. 

They say things like, "this is too hard," "I can't do it," "if only people would be nicer to me," ... etc.

Lurking behind the mask is a control freak seeking sympathy. The good news is - given some time in AA - we learn to take responsibility for our own actions and become victims no more.

(Note: Standing on our own hind legs is a far better place to be. I know this for sure, because I once wore this mask, too ... and it fit perfectly.)

There are many more masks worn by us, but you get the idea ... 

and taking them off isn't easy. It takes time to develop enough trust to believe that removing them won't make our lives worse. 

Our society constantly sells the idea that everything should be easy and, moreover, instant. We demand instant solutions to problems and can feel like failures even when we're making slow and steady progress toward solutions. 

I must admit, though, that sometimes when I begin to think I might finally have a handle on things, a new challenge can pop up to shake up what I thought I had already learned.

 It's called "growth," and it often seems that new challenges are just the "reward" for work done (she said, grumpily). 

I don't always like it (clearly), but I don't want to stay stuck either. I've been stuck during my recovery a time or two. It's far worse than growth!

Give time, time.

Brick by brick we slowly build a foundation for our long-term recovery.

It isn't easy to change habits, responses and beliefs about ourselves. It takes effort. But one good tool for doing so is to change the language we use about ourselves, to listen to our self-talk and change it to something more upbeat. To start using success words when we think and talk about ourselves. 

Here are a few: confident, courageous, understanding, accepting, goal-oriented, creative, loving, thorough, honest, attractive, strong, willing, open-minded, persistent, determined and faithful. You'll think of even more positive words and phrases when you start to use some and begin seeing yourself in a more positive way. 

As a recovering addict you are not "different," you have a health problem and you are working on it. You are also a very nice person - believe it!

Today is all the time there is. Nobody but ourselves can keep us from using it well. If we can work to make this a good day, tomorrow will be even better. Staying preoccupied with thoughts of grievances and troubles can ruin what could have been a great day.

I now live - and have often lived - with teenagers. They are lovely, bright, funny, and talented - part of the time. And part of the time they are bad-tempered, self-centered, pains in the ass. Over time their better qualities become stronger and their more negative ones become less and less. That's called maturing.

When we start using alcohol/drugs when young, we don't mature. We continue to behave like teenagers. But life lessons can not be ducked. When we sober up we'll have to go through our "teens" in our 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s (on up). 

And we will make mistakes. 

It will be hard. 

We won't like it. 

So what?

What's the alternative? To remain undeveloped as a person? Is that really an option for someone as bright, funny, lovely and courageous as you are?

Isolation isn't the answer. We can't escape the company of others by feeling like they are out to get us. No one is out to get us. The people we meet in AA are often still emotional teenagers, too. And they'll sometimes behave that way. 

AA is all about growing up and loving our lives. We do that by helping one another get through that same - often painful - process. Your Higher Power is standing by to help you evaluate your social situations. 

To shed our masks we must learn to drop our guard a bit. If someone hurts us, our best option is to think about why we are feeling hurt instead of blaming them for our pain. Was it an intentional hurt? Usually it's not. Quite often the person involved (in or out of AA) was just being an emotional "teenager."

We grow and change in our commitment to recovery, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes joyfully and occasionally uncomfortably. But as we stay sober, grow we will. 

And that's a good thing. Discovering who we are is an adventure. Taking off our masks can be as exhilarating as skydiving. 

(Sometimes as terrifying, too, but the rewards offer a terrific high). 

Best of all, our Higher Power is right there in the thick of it to help us become our best self.  We so easily forget that and continue trying to think our way through life's challenges when, with HP's guidance, we can learn to live our way through them. 

Have a look in a mirror and tell yourself that people love you, want to know you and to hang out with you. Start believing it. 

It's true, you know. 

When we daily do-the-doing of recovery we will look and act far better than we did when living a frightened masked-up life.

                            

                                                     

 

 Made a Decision

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro . . . 

I came, I saw, I stuck around."

Perhaps my Higher Power's greatest personal gift to me, on that lucky day when I arrived in AA, was to render me teachable - perhaps for the first time in my life.

By that time alcohol had beaten my every effort to control or quit it, so I had become willing to do what I was told. 

Also, once inside the rooms of AA, I saw what those around me had - and I wanted it.  I didn't just want a piece of it, either. Being an alcoholic who then lived by the motto - "More is better " - I wanted all of it. 

(And I wanted it in a paper bag to go, so that I could get on with my life and not have to keep going to all those meetings. I soon learned it doesn't work that way.)

I was told in meetings, "Don't leave AA before the miracle happens." 

I wanted my miracle  

(not yet realizing my being safe and sober in AA was in itself a miracle), 

so purely by the Grace of God I became willing to "go to any lengths" to get it. 

 How about you?

                      Are you convinced?

                          Are you still wondering if you really are an alcoholic?

                               Are you teachable?

Here's an AA saying that may apply: 

           "If you think you have a problem with alcohol, you probably do." 

People without an alcohol problem don't sit around wondering if they have a problem with alcohol. Untreated alcoholics, do.

People without an alcohol problem really don't spend much time thinking about alcohol - period. 

Here's how our Big Book defines it:

When you honestly want to quit drinking and find that you can't, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably an alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.  Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition

What does that kind of defeat feel like? 

According to our AA World Services, it feels a lot like the way I felt when I got here: 

Defeated, and knowing it, I arrived at the doors of A.A., alone and afraid of the unknown. A power outside of myself had ... guided me through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Once inside A.A. I experienced a sense of being loved and accepted, something I had not felt since early childhood. May I never lose the sense of wonder I experienced on that first evening with A.A., the greatest event of my entire life.

To keep that feeling, to be IN and stay IN the program of AA, requires commitment and courage. Grit, if you will, plus the determination to do what's necessary to stay sober and improve one's life (and the lives of others) in the process.

As the inspirational author Darlene Larson Jenks so truthfully wrote: 

"To do nothing is failure. To try, and in the trying you make some mistakes and then you make some positive changes as a result of those mistakes, is to learn and to grow and to blossom." 

All of us in AA are "blossoms" living on borrowed time, time we would not even have had without the grace of God and our program of recovery.

Most of us, with some exceptions, arrive in AA in middle age with the emotional age of teenagers, because our maturing process ended when we began drinking and drugging.

(We won't believe we're middle aged, either. But if you get sober- say - in your 40s, isn't that more than halfway to being 80-something? Do the maths!)

Do we want to make up for the time we've wasted in the past? 

Do our lives now have a sense of purpose? 

Are we going to make what time we have left count for A.A.?

I sure hope so, because none of us knows how much time we have left. 

I realize this may sound a bit grim, but being a genuine old person I can promise you old age will also arrive for you one fine day, and it won't slowly creep up on you, either. Old age arrives in the blink of an eye. 

Example:

Let's say you are now a "middle-aged" youngster, still feeling good, frisky, and able to get into all kinds of trouble without much effort, even without the use of mind-altering chemicals. You might have more soreness than you used to on the day following some hard physical work, but it's no big deal ... 

And then ...

You happen to own a pickup truck and one sunny day you decide to clean out the truck bed. You get in, sweep and make it ready to hose out. You start to jump down to get the hose, but suddenly your brain shouts, "Whoa."

    Standing on the tailgate looking down at what is suddenly a great distance, you decide it might be better to sit down and slide off it onto your feet.

                               Congratulations! 

              Your doorway into old age has just arrived!

 Or at least - with hindsight - that's how it arrived for me. 

Your future will hold something similar and, I can promise you, it will arrive a lot sooner than you expect it to.

So the big question is -  are you going to stay sober to do all the things you want to do - and should do, and can do - before your time runs out?

We all can, especially when we don't forget our one days at a time will eventually come to an end. 

But staying focused isn't always easy. We often become so busy with "life" we forget the only reason we have our busy productive life is because we are sober. 

(A quote I like reads: Don't let the life AA gave you take you away from your life in AA.)

Or we can put off doing today what we think we'll get around to doing tomorrow, because time is such an easy thing to piddle away. 

Learning to budget our time - like our money - is an important part of recovery. 

We can get full value out of each and every sober day just by daily doing-the-doing that we learn and practice in A.A. 

It's all worth it, too, because living a sober life rocks - at any age!

 

Monday, November 8, 2021

(37)

Made a Decision

Going to Any Lengths

Every A.A. newcomer is soon made aware of the basic ingredients for staying sober. 

We are told to read the Big Book; read the 12&12; find a sponsor to take us through the steps of recovery; get to lots of meetings, find a home group; pray and meditate to deepen the connection with a Higher Power, and to become active in service to AA. 

That's pretty much it. 

Members who do these things (while gradually adding in more of A.A.'s "suggestions" over time) tend to stay sober.  

By doing what's outlined above we can escape the ugly, distorted, vicious path of our chronic, terminal illness. 

Ours is a disease that first seeks to take away everything we hold dear, consigns us next to the bitter isolation of lingering loneliness,

 and finally, brutally, kills us. 

Keeping that in mind every day makes continuing to do the work of AA pretty much a no brainer.

 Service work for A.A. is vital to healthy recovery. It's one of the three sides of our AA triangle, equal in importance to the legacies of "recovery" and "unity". 

Caution!!!

There is real danger when we tune out these following words heard at every meeting: "It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe."

Willingness to do whatever we are told includes service. And willingness  simplifies the program. Those who study our literature and go to meetings keep on getting better.  

And those who get and stay active, and help other members when they can, also seem to become a lot happier in their own lives.

Staying willing really isn't hard. Especially when we realize it's truly easier to stay sober than it is to get sober.

But life happens. Things aren't always peachy. We're sober, but we can sometimes find ourselves becoming dissatisfied. 

That's the very moment to dig deep for the cause of our unrest. 

Sometimes it's just a twinge of guilt over not doing our fair share in the program - and that's an easy fix. 

Recovery involves some discipline and once we realize discipline isn't a dirty word, but rather a way of creating order in our lives instead of chaos, we can embrace those opportunities for service that come our way.

This applies to groups too. Tradition Four (if you don't know it, look it up) points each group in a spiritual direction and offers ways to provide service - from warmly greeting newcomers to hosting A.A. workshops.

Our own service opportunities arrive in the form of sponsoring others, chairing meetings, welcoming visitors and newcomers, providing the tea, coffee and biscuits at in house meetings, keeping track of AA anniversaries and arranging celebrations, ordering "birthday" chips, and suiting up to share our own story of recovery when asked.

Service positions include group secretary, treasurer, General Service Office representative, public information officer, and more. In this age of Zoom meetings there are tech support positions needing filling, too.

When your home group needs one of those offices filled - volunteer. 

 There's also telephone service, taking meetings into prisons or treatment centres, speaking about recovery in schools, letting your doctor know you are a resource for alcoholics in need -  the list of service opportunities is long and varied.  Find your niche and fill it.

Statistically, most still suffering alcoholics never get to an AA meeting. They never even get a chance at a sober life.

 Of those that do get to the rooms, many don't stick around. 

We who do are the fortunate ones, but our sobriety comes at a cost. 

The price is service. 

Because every service job - one way or another - involves carrying the message of AA to others and is therefore part of our ongoing step work  (specifically Step Twelve) that we do to keep ourselves spiritually fit - and sober. 

I know this will be hard to believe, but our Higher Power doesn't get and keep us sober because of any special qualities we may have. H.P. needs people to do His/Her work in the world.

 Those unwilling to step up to the job eventually get replaced by those who will. 

To keep your seat in the rooms, serve cheerfully and readily. Don't shirk any responsibility. Go out of your way to be of service.

Remember all those foxhole prayers you made when you were drinking? Those "Please, God, get me out of this mess and I'll never drink again" prayers? 

Our Higher Power did that, didn't He? 

We're sober now, aren't we? 

Come on!

We have a debt to pay.

The payoff for service work is to see others get and stay sober. It's the best of the many gifts we'll find in AA!  

Service of any kind lifts us from the doldrums to a life of purpose and joy.

Don't cop resentments toward members who don't do their share. They're the ones skating around on thin ice putting their sobriety at risk. 

Just cheerfully do what you know needs to be done, because we protect our sobriety by continuing to do-the-doing of recovery on a daily basis. 

In the process we also pile up those only treasures we get to take with us when we head off to that big meeting in the sky. 

Looks to me like that's just another one of those 

no-brainers.