Sunday, October 31, 2021 - Masks (are not just about Halloween).
Made a Decision
Masks
One of the quickest ways to become exhausted is by suppressing our feelings.
The "Looking Good" mask:
Sue Patton Thoele, Author
Most of us didn't even know what a feeling was when we got into recovery. We had spent years hiding from them in a bottle.
I didn't know how sick I was when I got to AA until I started getting better. Discovering and experiencing more feelings than just "rage" or "anger" was an important, terrifying, exhilarating and fear-inducing part of my early recovery.
I wouldn't want to live through that experience again - but I'm glad I went through it. Doing so allowed me to stay sober.
Learning to once again feel our feelings allows us to reclaim the sensitivity we once knew as small children.
When we wall off our feelings, to the point where we don't know what we actually feel, we tend to study those around us and borrow their behaviors. Through imitation we can then create a mask to wear, so we can look good on the outside, no matter what's going on inside.
Our masks can take many forms. Sometimes we design one that feels like a good fit and we stick with it. Others, those of us who are especially insecure, slip and slide between masks by wearing whichever one feels right at a particular moment.
Here are some examples:
Wearers of this mask are glib talkers, manipulative, self-centered, humourous, deceitful, and (because their mask hides their darker side), they can often be quite delightful to be around. They have charm to spare. They are also able to appear far more put together than they actually are.
Behind this mask is an angry frightened person who suffers from a sense of entitlement. This mask is prone to slip when the wearer doesn't get what they want when they want it.
(Note: I wore this mask when I first arrived in AA ... and for a very long time afterward.)
The "I am Angry and will Keep You at Arm's Length No Matter What," mask."
These mask wearers can be victims or bullies, or both. They manipulate through temper tantrums and by pulling away before others can retaliate. They have been hurt in the past and expect to be hurt today and in the future. They keep their guard up always against that possibility.
They sometimes behave in ways that make them hard to love as a way to keep others at arm's length. Behind their mask they are lonely, confused and sad.
(Note: I wore this mask a lot when I arrived in AA, too. I was as much fun to be around then as broken glass.)
The wearer of the: "I am Helpful, Cheerful, Nurturing, Warm, and Kind" mask is often furious behind it.
They wear their "nice" face to conceal - and control - their anger. They believe if they show their real feelings, people won't like them and they'll be abandoned.
These mask wearers are usually women, but men are not exempt and will wear it if it feels comfortable.
(Note: I've worn this mask, too, especially in relationships.)
"The Victim" mask is unattractive and obvious, but many of us wear it anyway. When still drinking these mask wearers believed if others would treat them better they wouldn't have to drink. After sobriety they learn this isn't true, but they don't feel able to take the mask off, so they find other ways to remain victims.
They say things like, "this is too hard," "I can't do it," "if only people would be nicer to me," ... etc.
Lurking behind the mask is a control freak seeking sympathy. The good news is - given some time in AA - we learn to take responsibility for our own actions and become victims no more.
(Note: Standing on our own hind legs is a far better place to be. I know this for sure, because I once wore this mask, too ... and it fit perfectly.)
There are many more masks worn by us, but you get the idea ...
and taking them off isn't easy. It takes time to develop enough trust to believe that removing them won't make our lives worse.
Our society constantly sells the idea that everything should be easy and, moreover, instant. We demand instant solutions to problems and can feel like failures even when we're making slow and steady progress toward solutions.
I must admit, though, that sometimes when I begin to think I might finally have a handle on things, a new challenge can pop up to shake up what I thought I had already learned.
It's called "growth," and it often seems that new challenges are just the "reward" for work done (she said, grumpily).
I don't always like it (clearly), but I don't want to stay stuck either. I've been stuck during my recovery a time or two. It's far worse than growth!
Give time, time.
Brick by brick we slowly build a foundation for our long-term recovery.
It isn't easy to change habits, responses and beliefs about ourselves. It takes effort. But one good tool for doing so is to change the language we use about ourselves, to listen to our self-talk and change it to something more upbeat. To start using success words when we think and talk about ourselves.
Here are a few: confident, courageous, understanding, accepting, goal-oriented, creative, loving, thorough, honest, attractive, strong, willing, open-minded, persistent, determined and faithful. You'll think of even more positive words and phrases when you start to use some and begin seeing yourself in a more positive way.
As a recovering addict you are not "different," you have a health problem and you are working on it. You are also a very nice person - believe it!
Today is all the time there is. Nobody but ourselves can keep us from using it well. If we can work to make this a good day, tomorrow will be even better. Staying preoccupied with thoughts of grievances and troubles can ruin what could have been a great day.
I now live - and have often lived - with teenagers. They are lovely, bright, funny, and talented - part of the time. And part of the time they are bad-tempered, self-centered, pains in the ass. Over time their better qualities become stronger and their more negative ones become less and less. That's called maturing.
When we start using alcohol/drugs when young, we don't mature. We continue to behave like teenagers. But life lessons can not be ducked. When we sober up we'll have to go through our "teens" in our 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s (on up).
And we will make mistakes.
It will be hard.
We won't like it.
So what?
What's the alternative? To remain undeveloped as a person? Is that really an option for someone as bright, funny, lovely and courageous as you are?
Isolation isn't the answer. We can't escape the company of others by feeling like they are out to get us. No one is out to get us. The people we meet in AA are often still emotional teenagers, too. And they'll sometimes behave that way.
AA is all about growing up and loving our lives. We do that by helping one another get through that same - often painful - process. Your Higher Power is standing by to help you evaluate your social situations.
To shed our masks we must learn to drop our guard a bit. If someone hurts us, our best option is to think about why we are feeling hurt instead of blaming them for our pain. Was it an intentional hurt? Usually it's not. Quite often the person involved (in or out of AA) was just being an emotional "teenager."
We grow and change in our commitment to recovery, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes joyfully and occasionally uncomfortably. But as we stay sober, grow we will.
And that's a good thing. Discovering who we are is an adventure. Taking off our masks can be as exhilarating as skydiving.
(Sometimes as terrifying, too, but the rewards offer a terrific high).
Best of all, our Higher Power is right there in the thick of it to help us become our best self. We so easily forget that and continue trying to think our way through life's challenges when, with HP's guidance, we can learn to live our way through them.
Have a look in a mirror and tell yourself that people love you, want to know you and to hang out with you. Start believing it.
It's true, you know.
When we daily do-the-doing of recovery we will look and act far better than we did when living a frightened masked-up life.
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