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                     Our Best Thinking

I was shaken to my core at a long-ago meeting when I heard someone say: "I used to think I was smart until I realised my best thinking got me HERE."

That speaker sure gave ME something to think about - then - and ever since that meeting!

At that time I, too, thought myself to be quite a good little thinker. After all, I had a good job and also an alert brain that never shut down ... 

or shut up. 

(The kind of brain, I've since learned, that's common to most alcoholics.)

Along with pondering and questioning the need for doing all those steps, that "God thing" everyone in AA nattered on about also became a perfect topic to spin my brainy wheels on, over and over again. 

"What is God? 

Is God male or female, or neither? 

Was Jesus God? 

Was Buddha God? 

Who was God? 

What was God?

Should I become Wiccan?

Wiccans are off the wall. 

But it's a Nature religion.

I love Nature.

Maybe I could become a Quaker?

Is there a God at all? 

Why should I trust it if there is? 

Where was God when (pick a nasty incident) happened to me?

Why can't I hear or see God ... etc."

That beat went on in my head, ad infinitum, for a very, very long stretch of time in my early "daze" in recovery.

Our late-stage alcoholic AA founders knew who they were dealing with when they offered us a God of our own understanding, but even that open-ended kind of God remains a challenge for many of us.

But the fact is - believe this or not - it doesn't matter! 

All we are asked to do in AA is acknowledge there is a power out there bigger than we are, something that designed the Universe, created our planet, and then DNA'd elephants, mosquitoes, humans and everything else to put on it.

Once we can accept we're not THAT Power, and get on with Step Two, followed by the rest of the steps, we're well launched along our sober path. 

A God of our own understanding can then be discovered during our travels.

Or not, as is the case with our many members who remain agnostic or atheist, but who nevertheless have at some point acknowledged Life is not all about them! 

There is no doubt the chairs of AA are filled with some very bright people, but even the most brilliant minds have no defence against the disease of alcoholism. We can't think our way sober. 

Intelligence, after all, is merely one of nature's gifts, along with artistic talent, musical ability, athletic prowess, and so many more. 

We can be grateful for any such gifts, and we can develop them to the best of our ability, but we didn't create them.

 (It helps us become a bit more humble when we come to realise and then accept that.)

Having a clever brain doesn't make us any better than anyone else. Worse, it can be a real handicap in getting and staying sober.

  

I can think of - and so can you - dozens of very intelligent writers, actors, comedians and other vastly talented people, from musicians to politicians, who have died drunk from our disease. 

"Too smart for their own good," as the old saying goes.

Neither a high IQ, university degree (or multiples thereof), mathematical agility, scientific knowledge, or any other intellectual achievement will restore us to sanity and give us sobriety. 

It takes a Power greater than ourselves to get that job done, even if the Power we acknowledge is just the power of sobriety found within our own AA group. 

Far better to relax and go with the flow. Everything we need to know about our Higher Power will be revealed as we trudge our sober path.

Like any relationship, the one I have with my Higher Power has grown and changed as I have learned more along my spiritual journey. The God of my understanding today bears little resemblance to the ones I've tried on - and discarded - over the years. 

It took time in AA to find a God that fit me, but I wouldn't trade my discovery for your God - or anyone else's God (or non-God) either. 

I will always marvel at the infinite patience of members in my first AA group, people I viewed from my then-lofty perch as being a little too friendly and pretty naive, though I considered them nice enough people. 

The one thing many of them had that I hadn't been able to achieve however (with all my supposed smarts), was long-term sobriety. 

So, even though I thought I had little in common with most of them, I stayed to discover for myself just how they had achieved that sobriety trick.

By staying I got to know, and then slowly to admire many of them. I was told to "stick with the winners," and I did. I formed friendships within their ranks. I saw first-hand how their use of AA's teachings gave them an easier path through life. 

I wanted what they had and they told me to stick around still longer and I could have it all - and more besides. They were right, along with that special bonus of not having had to take a drink or use a mind-altering chemical since.

I arrived in AA as an impatient angry drunk. I'm no longer angry and I no longer drink, but patience still isn't my strong suit. 

I can still get anxious over unimportant things, too (mainly involving computers), but the difference is, with HP's help, I now live a life where anxiety has to work to find a way in. 

I know for sure that my own level of serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance of my own powerlessness in any situation. And if a situation isn't working for me, I can take steps to change it.

Simply put, the Higher Power we find in A.A. works. And - as is often said in the Southern United States - "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

 

I would add to that wisdom by saying - "and don't overthink it!"

 

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      "Make Use of What Others Have to Offer."

For almost 90 years alcoholics have been finding their way to sobriety inside the tremendous support system that is Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Our AA literature gives us the perfect blueprint on how to get and stay sober. Those who read the instructions and follow them (and continue to follow them) can be assured of living a sober life. 

Better than that, they can be certain of eventually living a life beyond their wildest dreams! 

While A.A. doesn't have a perfect record for getting and keeping alcoholics sober, it offers the best options for doing that job. Its track record of success is plain for all to see.

But A.A. is not now - nor has it ever been - the only game in town! 

Others have achieved sobriety through active participation in all the major world religions. And some have achieved sobriety through other programs, from psychiatric counseling to self-help groups. 

A.A. isn't threatened by those successes. 

Those who have read our AA literature know that AA supports being involved in our own program while also getting outside help when needed. We are also encouraged to explore the many spiritual paths where our recovery journey may lead us. 

We are advised to "make use of what others have to offer."

In a limited sense, everything we need to stay sober IS in our Big Book. But why allow ourselves merely a one-book library? 

Reading a wide range of spiritual books adds to our greater understanding and takes us on an ever more fulfilling spiritual adventure.

I've been to AA meetings where only "conference approved literature" was allowed and I've been to meetings where readings came from any number of sources found inspiring by the reader. 

Clearly they've both worked for me, because neither type derailed my sobriety.

Fear, supported by our ego, is always against change. We will accept something when we must, but then often quickly cop the attitude, "This is good and therefore this is good enough." 

It's a shame, because that's a fear-based decision, one not held by either of AA's founding fathers.

  Both Dr. Bob and Bill W. were highly literate, well-read men raised as Christians, but they remained wide open to the teachings of all religions, psychiatry and many philosophies. 

Both men found a God of their understanding, but both continued to explore spiritual teachings all their lives and were the richer for it. 

They deplored intolerance and wrote quite a bit about it, like this from

 the Big Book:

"We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone. 

"Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witch-burners. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity."

"... we have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired. 

"If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us, whatever our race, creed, or color are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try.  

"Those having religious affiliations will find here nothing disturbing to their beliefs or ceremonies. There is no friction among us over such matters. 

And then there's this from AA's American magazine, The Grapevine:

"Today, the vast majority of us welcome any new light that can be thrown on the alcoholic's mysterious and baffling malady. We welcome new and valuable knowledge whether it issues from a test tube, from a psychiatrist's couch, or from revealing social studies. 

"We are glad of any kind of education that accurately informs the public and changes its age-old attitude toward the drunk

"More and more we regard all who labor in the total field of alcoholism as our companions on a march from darkness into light. We see that we can accomplish together what we could never accomplish in separation and in rivalry."

As our third Tradition states: 

The Only Requirement for AA membership is the desire to stop drinking." 

Those of us who make it to A.A. (and so many of us sadly never do!) know our having one drink starts a train of obsessive thought toward getting the next one. And once we're aboard that train we can't stop drinking. 

Our disease is an "equal opportunity destroyer." We all arrive in A.A. propelled there by the same disease. So our fellowship includes people from all religions, and those with no religion, from every race, sexual persuasion and all the trades and professions. 

There are two common mistakes people make about alcoholism. One is that it can be cured by physical treatment. It can't. 

And the second is that it can be controlled by willpower. It can't. 

Most alcoholics have tried both ways and  found they don't work.

Alcohol is poison to the alcoholic - literally - because when an alcoholic continues to drink, they die.  It may be a quick death or a slow death - but it's death by poison regardless.

Alcohol, our society's "legal" drug, come packaged in pretty bottles and sold by clever advertising, but it's lethal stuff and we alcoholics tend to drink it by the gallon.

Remember those old black and white movies where the bartender smiles and says, "Name your poison?" For an alcoholic, that's an absolute truth.

In recovery, we recognize that alcohol poisoned our lives for a very long time. 

Learning to recognize (and then daily remember) that all liquor is poisonous to us - is an important part of our staying sober.

After all, as I heard again in a meeting just the other night: 

"We don't suffer from alcoholwasism, we suffer from alcoholism. 

 

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                             All We Need is Love

The old song says - "all we need is love" - and anyone who gets to AA and stays to the finish line will, at some point, come to realize the truth of that lyric. 

But we cannot be loving unless we want to be. 

AA over time gives us the opportunity to develop and further our ability to love.

What does love (the real cosmic deal, not just having a leg over) look like anyway? 

It looks like compassion, caring, laughter, support, education, honesty, experience, and patience. 

We find all of those in AA - and more besides.

Taking them one by one:

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” 

Compassion understands what someone is feeling and then acts to alleviate their suffering. 

Pity means just feeling sorry, without necessarily understanding or being able to help with another's pain.

 (Many people with aging and suffering pets have lots of pity, but little actual compassion regarding doing what's best for them.)

Caring - To actively display kindness and concern for others in both words and deeds.

Laughter - We all know a hearty laugh makes us feel better and there's plenty of laughter to be had in AA. 

Here's why laughing is good for us: It decreases stress hormones and increases both immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies. 

Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals that promote an overall sense of well-being. Laughter can even temporarily relieve pain.

Support - as in emotional support - the act of showing that you believe someone, or something, is good or acceptable. The act of giving love, encouragement, etc. We don't always receive that from family members (who don't have our illness), but we find it in abundance in our AA "family."

Education - We encourage knowledge of the 12-step recovery process as found in our literature. Everything we need to stay sober and have the best quality life is to be found there.

Honesty - to be trustworthy and loyal. 

Honesty (truthfulness) is a facet of moral character that promotes positive and virtuous attributes, like integrity and straightforwardness, in speech and conduct. 

Honesty also means the absence of lying, cheating, theft, and so on. 

Experience - In AA we receive practical advice on living sober lives based on the personal life experience of AA members before and after their road in recovery. The AA message does not carry itself; somebody must carry it. Our active members do just that!

Patience - being able to bear provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain without complaint, loss of temper or irritation. 

A willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay. Being able to have patience with reluctant, rebellious or slow learners. 

Think for a moment about love as a power, as a force.

We see it all the time in AA. Consider the nervous newcomer arriving at their first AA meeting, how they are met with love in action. 

We love bomb them! 

And that LOVE is the compelling factor in any decision they make to keep coming back. 

The newcomer arrives after years of being told by society, their friends and family (and even by themselves on those horrible hungover mornings) that they're a total fuck up. That they need to stop drinking. That they are weak, bad, stupid, have no discipline, and are someone who should be able to do better. 

 

Then, at their very first meeting, the newcomer is told they are the most important person there! That we in AA have found a solution for our own drinking problem that can work for them, too. 

That we are not weak or undisciplined people, but rather people suffering from a chronic and terminal illness.

 Alcoholics are not bad people, we are sick people seeking to get well. 

The newcomer is thus enthusiastically made welcome. 

The Hazelden Foundation puts it this way:

I will practice love, because lack of love will block the way. I will try to see good in all people, those I like and also those who fret me and go against the grain. They are all children of God. 

I will try to give love ... because the more love I give away, the more I will have.

We don't criticize people in AA, we look for the good in them and there is something good to be found in anyone. Our job is to find that good and bring it out, to bring out their best. 

We encourage the good qualities in our fellow members and ignore everything else. 

Because no one is converted by criticism. 

People respond best to love.

 What is spoken with love is always free from selfishness or negativity and has a powerful effect on others.

When words are spoken with love they can actually inspire change in others. 

My first sponsor taught me the importance of "I" messages versus "you" messages and I've never forgotten her wisdom. 

A "you" message is when we say to someone "To stay sober YOU need to do such and such." 

An "I" message is when we say, "I have learned to stay sober by doing such and such ...."

The "you message" is all about control. 

The "I message" is all about sharing love.

The bottom line is, the goal is, as I recently read in a wonderful anonymous quote: 

It's none of my business what you think of me. 

It's my business what I think of you, and I love you.

If you happen to love me back it's a plus.

So you can add to my life, but you can't take away.

I'm not trading with you. 

I love you.

Period.

Note: A number of people have said they are unable to post comments at this blog. If you have a comment you want to share, please send it directly to me - o.kay.dockside@gmail.com - and I will post it for you.

 

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               Character Defects

We all have them, those pesky character defects that bedevil us, especially when we're trying to be soooooooo good. 

In our Step Work we identify them and ask for them to be removed. We feel like they are. 

Then, to our shock, we suddenly find ourselves once again being resentful, or petty, or furious, or spitting out lies, or ...  so what's going on???

My theory - and it's only that, my theory - is once we've identified our character defects and ask for their removal, our Higher Power does indeed do so, but in His own time. And they are only removed once He's sure we mean it by our doing a lot of work in that area ourselves. That's how it has worked in my own recovery anyway.

The only problem I've ever had immediately lifted from me - and it was the Queen of them all - was my craving for alcohol and other mind-altering drugs.

All the rest of my identified character defects have been removed only as a cooperative effort between me and my Higher Power, with plenty of effort required from my end.

 They have taken time to be removed because all of them were well ingrained habits - some of them dating way back to my toddlerhood.

Here are just some we may be wrestling with: resentment; anger; fear; cowardice; self pity; self justification; egotism; self condemnation (guilt); lying; dishonesty; evasiveness; impatience; hate; false pride; phoniness; denial; jealousy; envy; 'busy-ness'; being unreliable; laziness; procrastination; insincerity; negative thinking; immoral thinking; criticizing; gossip; greed ... it's easy to see that probably none of these are up for a quick fix!

And sometimes - even after doing a thorough fourth and fifth step - we may still have not yet identified an ongoing problem that's keeping us from living our best life. This comes under the heading of "More will be revealed," BTW. ( And it will!) 

One of mine was "busy-ness." I lived my life on fast forward, never giving myself a moment for myself to contemplate what my Higher Power might want for me other than my working myself to death.

My Higher Power finally clued me in by sending me the word "balance." For months the word kept popping up everywhere! 

If I turned on the radio I'd hear about living "a balanced life." If I sat on the loo there'd be a box of detergent nearby claiming it offered "a balanced washing." When I turned a page in a novel I'd read about characters trying to balance their emotions. 

The ongoing bombardment of the word "balance" got so obvious even I couldn't miss it! Clearly my HP wanted me to get more balance in my life. 

I've been working to achieve it ever since.

There is a time for everything. We should learn to wait patiently until the right time comes. Easy does it. BALANCE.

We waste our energies trying to get things before we are ready to have them, before we have earned the right to receive them. A great lesson we have to learn is how to wait with patience. BALANCE.

All our life is a preparation for something better to come when we have earned the right to it. BALANCE.

 God has a plan for us that will work out in the fullness of time. I know this. I don't doubt this. I know that patience equals BALANCE, but I also remember that my children used to say, "Mom has all the patience of a boiling tea kettle." 

Sadly, BALANCE (and patience) remain a struggle ... but I'm getting better at it, little by slowly. 

(Feel free to remind me of all the above the next time you hear me whining about not getting something I want - when I want it.)

I'm not the only one who gets life-changing messages from our Higher Power. One of my sponsees was given the phrase "Mind your head." It was a life-changing moment for her. She heard it and recognized for the first time that it was not alcohol that got her in trouble - it was her thinking that took her to alcohol that got her in trouble. 

Another AA friend came to the sudden (and accurate) realization that if he didn't do service work to keep AA alive and healthy, who would? 

The above is a picture of my dog, Muppet, claiming our new puppy, Shadow, as her just found best friend. The last time I saw it was in my photo file. Being a non-tech, I don't know how it showed up here and nor do I know how to remove it. (I have tried).  Enjoy the picture! Clearly my computer wants you to.

 Moving on ...

These kinds of life-changing aware "Aha moments" happen to us all in recovery. Over time we come to recognize them on arrival. But many of mine have arrived as something of a surprise. They have included:

           

            (1) Becoming aware - over and over and over - that today, this day, is really (really!) the only day we need to be concerned about. (This awareness followed a long period of time when my thoughts were more: "One day at a time? Yeah, yeah, when I find the time.")

            (2)  That people have, do and will die from our disease when they give up on AA, and what I say and do can make a difference in someone staying or leaving. 

We learn this painful lesson by wishing we had followed through on a phone call we had thought about making to a our friend Ralph R. last week. It's brought sharply home to us when someone says: "Did you hear Ralph R. commited suicide over the weekend?" 

           (3) That kindness really matters. 

           (4) That every sober member in AA is a walking, talking miracle. (We're not dealing with a headache here. We're being relieved daily of a chronic, terminal and fatal illness.)

            (5) That I will never walk on water and can only hope for spiritual progress and never perfection.

My first sponsor once suggested I back away from my pile of spiritual books and read a trashy novel. (BALANCE!) 

           (6) That for much of my life I neither liked nor trusted women. And when you are a woman who doesn't like women you're going to have some serious self-esteem issues. Happily, a Fourth and Fifth Step on this one huge issue changed everything. I wouldn't take a million diamonds for my relationship with any one of my female friends today.

As the wonderful writer Melody Beattie once wrote: "This process of growth and change takes us along an ever-changing road. Ever changing, always interesting, always leading someplace better, someplace good." 

In life we form habits and then these habits begin to form us. Staying sober requires us to develop new habits, and new patterns of living. 

We learn how to do something by doing it.

 Long-term happiness is not the by-product of short-term gratification.