Made a Decision

                                         AA Etiquette 

I once spoke about AA Etiquette at an AA workshop. I was pleased to do so, because I was able to talk about both old-school behaviors and the actions we now see today. Some of today's activities, after all, were not around when AA first began. And other marvels, like having worldwide zoom meetings available to us 24/7, haven't even yet been around for four full years!

But the way I see it, behaving with AA Etiquette - old and new - is all based on common courtesy.

Sponsors, back when I got sober along with the other dinosaurs, made it their business to teach us how to behave in meetings. I still continue doing what she taught me because, let's face it, she knew lots more than me.

And most groups then had the rule to not invite anyone with less than one year of sobriety to do the main share at a meeting, or to hold an elected position (secretary, treasurer, General Service Rep.) in a group. I still think that's a good idea.

In addition to taking me through the 12 Steps and introducing me to the 12 Traditions, My First Sponsor Taught Me to:

Arrive at meetings on time (or rather, arrive at least ten minutes early); 

Apologize to the group if I got there late for any reason.

Not whisper to nearby others during a meeting; 

Dress nicely when asked to speak at an AA function, even when just asked to share in my home group; 

Help set up for the meetings and help clean up afterward;

Get my cuppa before the meeting began and - unless my gut required an emergency trip to the toilet - to sit down and stay put until the meeting ended;

Be willing to read items in the meeting when asked; 

Be sure to greet any newcomer warmly; 

Not to gossip about fellow members;

Become involved with service work;

To not "double dip" (share a second time) until every person in the meeting had spoken;

and so on.

To the above I would now add:

No texting or playing online games during a meeting (to my dismay I've seen both);

Turn off phones when entering any meeting, in-person or on zoom; 

And no cooking, eating or otherwise wandering around the house during a zoom meeting. 

(If you must wander, cook or eat, turn off your video so you won't distract those who'd rather focus on the meeting than on your home-based reality show).

If there is an emergency situation in your life (loved one in hospital, a possible call in from work, etc.), set your phone on silent alert. If a call comes you then can turn off your video, text your response, and quietly leave the meeting if that's necessary.  

Basically - be considerate, attentive and don't disrupt meetings.

 After all, when we go to a religious service of any kind - wedding, funeral, or any others, we don't whip out a snack to munch on, or wander around the room for the duration of that service. We don't do that when we go to the theatre, either. 

So we CAN control ourselves for the length of time it takes to sit through a meeting. 

We show respect for our program by showing up on time, or a bit early, by listening to the readings at the beginning of our meetings, and by listening to others when they share - yes, even those we think talk too much.

We arrive early, BTW, so we can get to know other members better, to welcome that nervous newcomer hovering in the doorway, to read if asked to do so by the Chairperson - in other words to become an active member of the group and not just an uninvolved visitor.

We can be around AA for weeks, months and even years before, in a split second, something we've heard read out many times suddenly becomes crystal clear, taking on a whole new meaning - and value - for our recovery. 

So we can never hear our Preamble, Steps, Traditions and Promises read aloud too many times. 

The same is true for actively listening to each person when they speak.

My Higher Power uses group members to deliver personal messages directly to me, often from the lips of a person I would least expect to hear an important message from. (I suspect your Higher Power does the same.) 

When we stop paying attention we risk not hearing our HP's message of the day!

Gossip can and does kill. Don't do it. 

Despite our laughter, sharing and learning, we need to always remember we alcoholics are highly sensitive people who are dealing with a deadly disease.

Gossip, even one thoughtless comment to-or-about someone in recovery, might drive them out of AA and they may never make it back. That can be their death sentence. 

AA is supposed to be our safe place. It's our job to keep it safe for everyone.

Don't cross talk, but DO cross share!

There seems to be a lot of confusion about this today. So here's the difference:

       Cross Talk: When a person in AA is speaking - especially if they are talking about a problem they're having in their life - we do not interrupt them or otherwise disturb their train of thought with eye rolls, sighs, fidgeting, or other distractions.

Doing so is Cross Talk and it is rude in the extreme, even when we are busting a gut to share something we think might be helpful to them.

Our job is to let each member share (or vent) without any input from us beyond our active listening.

       Cross Sharing: When it becomes our turn to share we can address a problem brought up earlier by saying how we dealt with the same - or similar - problem, using methods we've learned in AA. 

Solutions like praying for someone who has harmed us, applying a particular step to the situation, or finding a better way to handle it by studying Chapter Whatever in the Big Book, and so on. 

That's what we are supposed to do! That's what AA was built upon - one drunk sharing what we've learned with another drunk. 

Sharing what has worked for us in our recovery is an important part for our continuing to live a sober and better life.

Use "I" Messages, and here's what that means:

 Alcoholics don't take well to being told what to do. The moment we hear "YOU need to ..." our minds shut down and our fists come up. (Non-alcoholics don't seem to take to that start for a sentence much either.) 

So, because our founders knew exactly who they were dealing with, the "I" message came into use very early on.

 Meaning we soften our suggestions by putting them back onto us.

Examples: 

"I felt exactly the same way about my boss, too, but I found if I prayed for him, everything quickly got better."

"I learned early on that I couldn't afford to miss meetings."

"When I reach out to help another alcoholic, I benefit more than they do."

             See the difference? 

Most of the time "WE" is the word of choice in AA, as in: "WE admitted we were powerless of alcohol," "WE are a fellowship of people," "As WE understood Him ..." and so on. But, when well used, "I" messages are an effective and proper use of the word "I." 

Try it. It can change your life! 

Swearing: 

Some people, even groups, have a problem with members who use swear words to express themselves. I'm not one of them. A little salty speech won't hurt us, whereas a pious and judgemental attitude often will. 

Had I arrived at my first meeting and heard members talking sanctimoniously about God I might have thought I had stumbled into a church prayer meeting and - trust me - I would have left and never returned. 

And finally -  I realize that I now often come across as a crabby old timer - and I am (my brother, also a somewhat less crabby old timer, calls me an AA Nazi), 

but I hold meetings and our program as a sacred space.  It is my hope you will come to view them so, too.   

 

Made A Decision

The God Problem

"Just do the fucking Steps first and then worry about God afterwards."

So said my AA friend (herself a card-carrying atheist after a couple of decades-plus of good AA sobriety) to a rebellious newcomer complaining about all our program's God stuff.

I couldn't have said it any better. 

I have a lot of sober atheists and agnostics in my life, my own sponsor being one of them. I seem to attract them. I consider myself fortunate. 

They keep me on my spiritual toes. 

Bill W. and Dr. Bob liked them, too. Here following are some samples from letters between them on the subject:

       I have had many experiences with atheists, mostly good. Everybody in A.A. has the right to his own opinion. It is much better to maintain an open and tolerant society than it is to suppress any small disturbances their opinions might occasion. Actually, I don't know of anybody who went off and died of alcoholism because of some atheist's opinions on the cosmos. 

     But I do always entreat these folks to look to a 'Higher Power' - namely, their own group. When they come in, most of their A.A. group is sober, and they are drunk. Therefore, the group is a 'Higher Power.'

      That's a good enough start, and most of them do progress from there. I know how they feel, because I was once that way myself.   LETTER, 1962

And this, written shortly after the publication of our Big Book:

... Our group conscience was at work to construct the most acceptable and effective book possible. Every voice was playing its appointed part. Our atheists and agnostics widened our gateway so that all who suffer might pass through, regardless of their belief or lack of belief.  LETTER, 1954

       The fact is, some of our members never find a personal God - and they stay sober anyway. 

But I've noticed, among the sober agnostics and atheists I know personally, they've also all cleaned house, are active in service, have a home group, go to lots of meetings, sponsor others through the 12-steps, share their experience, strength, and hope when asked and are often the first ones to step up to welcome a newcomer.

I've attended a few atheist AA meetings myself over the years (they exist all over the world). It felt to me like being served a good meal lacking salt, but group members there got their own needs met. To each our own. Our program is big enough to fit all of us.

Many new members (being all or nothing people) want to understand everything right away. We want our God-doubts erased and all our questions answered NOW. It generally doesn't work that way. 

Each of us arrives carrying our own baggage: Some arrive angry over having been raised with a hellfire and brimstone god. They're often relieved to find a God they can tailor to their own needs and readily start their spiritual journey over again. 

Others enter recovery with a working understanding of a Higher Power and can plug right into the God concept. 

Then there are those who are content knowing other members' belief in a Higher Power has kept them sober.  They feel since it has worked for those other idiots, it can also work for them.

Both Al-Anon and AA members have said: 

"The Twelve Steps were designed for desperate people like us - as a shortcut to God." 

When I arrived in AA I was willing to believe, but didn't think it would actually be possible. I had enough confusion and distrust about this God thing then to fill and sink a battleship.

Mainly I believed that God - if there was one - was not a Christian, Jew, Muslim,  Buddhist, Hindu, or anything else. 

I had decided all organized religions were systems my species had created to control other people - or maybe (on my more generous days) - an attempt at building a framework for people to find some relief from the pain of living.

My brother describes the world's religions in a way I now quite like: 

"Take a pie, cut it up and label each piece as a major world religion. Every piece of that pie has some important spiritual truth in it. The only problems arrive when one piece of it wants to become the entire pie."

I arrived in AA, as so many of us do, unable to trust a God I couldn't see or feel. I didn't believe an unseen being could care for me or my petty problems.

 Out of desperation I surrendered my alcoholism to AA's Higher Power, but I held tightly to every other problem I had, convinced I could handle the rest of my life in my own way.

Gradually, over a long length of time, I cautiously began to hand these issues over - one at a time - to that unseen power. 

And gradually, over a length of time, I saw resolutions of problems that had always baffled me.

(An AA friend once gave me a mug bearing the words: "Everything I've ever surrendered has my claw marks all over it.")

My God-answers always showed up in ways I never would have thought of, too - in radio commercials; a sign on a bus; an overheard comment; voiced in a meeting by someone I didn't like; in a song lyric or a display in a shop window - to name just a few.

Like when my Higher Power indicated I might need more balance in my life. 

The word BALANCE was everywhere during that "lesson." 

If I turned on the radio I'd find a lecture about "living in a more BALANCED way." If I sat on the toilet there would be a box of detergent nearby bearing the words: "For a BALANCED washing ...", 

A television program offered, "... watch in amazement as this man BALANCES on the thin wire between these buildings  ..."  

And so on.

It can take some of us a long old time to find a "God of our understanding." 

I'm grateful I eventually got there. I now know for sure my life has become easier since I stopped trying to get along without God's help. 

And what I find most interesting is that the connection I found remains one that is ever evolving - and ever expanding.  

Or, as I read recently and then jotted down in my journal: 

"God is continually expressing Himself in new ways - but this is not improvement; it is unfoldment. Your life is simply part of this unfoldment, and that is the only reason for you existing at all. 

You are the living expression of God now - and to understand this is salvation." 

As Bill Wilson wrote about his own "aha" experience:

 Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view.  

      Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book), 4th Edition, Bill's Story, pg. 12

   The God of my own understanding is all around us, as a loving and guiding (when we let it) spirit that pervades the entire universe. 

But  I no longer think that our finding God is even the point. 

Continually seeking God is the point. 

 

Made a Decision

                                      "Meeting Makers Make It"

There's are many AA sayings about meetings, 

including: 

 "Many meetings, many chances; 

few meetings, fewer chances; 

No meetings, no chances."

 "The trouble with staying home, isolating and listening to my own head is 

I get a lot of bad advice."

I was told in my first days in recovery the most important meeting we should go to is the one we don't feel like going to. 

I wish every AA member would take to heart that advice given me so freely.

Because we go to meetings when we feel like crap and we leave afterwards feeling good again. 

We go to meetings when we feel good and we leave afterwards feeling even better. 

But when we first arrive in AA we know nothing about the importance of meetings, or anything else about recovery for that matter.

We learn of our need for meetings over time - along with having a sponsor, working through the steps, studying AA literature, getting a home group, doing service work, eventually sponsoring others, and more.  

It's in our early meetings where we - gradually - learn there's more to our recovery than just going to meetings! 

We learn we can't stay sober forever on meetings alone  - important as they are to our ongoing sobriety. 

But it's those early meetings that ground and connect us to AA until we're ready to start the important work of recovery. 

 I had never been a joiner or groupie of any kind (well, maybe there was a rock and roll band member or two back in the day) when I arrived in AA, so being advised to go to 90 meetings in 90 days was both a shock and an impossibility for me at that time. 

I did go to as many meetings as I possibly could, though,

because I was terrified if I didn't I would drink again.

And there's solid reasoning behind the "90 and 90," even if mothers of small children (as I was then) can't always manage it.  

That's because the more meetings we get to, the more people we'll meet and the sooner we'll feel like we're a part of it all - because we WILL be a part of it all.

In AA we soon learn that alcoholism is a chronic, terminal illness busily killing alcoholics around the world just like us every single day. 

Meetings are our medicine and that's not just in our early days, either. 

As we  mature in recovery we get even more benefits from regular meeting attendance.

I can't think of a single excuse for not getting to a meeting in this time of Zoom. 

I also think Zoom meetings are the best infusion of new energy into AA since women started showing up in big numbers in the 1980s.  

The atmosphere of love and service in our meetings can and does (and, in my own case, has) keep us clean and sober for one more day during times when we aren't sure we can even survive one more day. 

We will never, ever, stop being addicted to alcohol. We are forever "one drink away from a drunk."

The longer we stay sober, the easier it is to forget what it was like during those horrific last days of drinking that brought us to AA in the first place.

Going to meetings reawakens our personal memories by giving us an up close and personal view of those shaking, red-eyed, unkempt, angry, frightened newcomers.

We also get to hear from the retreads, those who manage to return after having left AA for another bout of hellish drinking. And I've yet to hear a single one of them stand up and tell us how great it was to get back out there puking their guts up every morning. 

So no matter how busy a life AA gives us in the real world, we must make getting to meetings a priority. Without them we remain at high risk for relapse, no matter how much time we have in our recovery.

I'd be a wealthy woman today if I had just one dollar, or pound, or euro for every time I've heard a retread returning after a slip say:

 "I drank after I quit going to meetings."

Here's some great advice I heard in a meeting not long ago:

"Don't let the life AA gave you take you away from your life in AA."

How can any of us forget we were absolutely unable to quit drinking before we got to Alcoholics Anonymous? We can forget because - unlike us - our disease never forgets. 

And it wants us back. 

Attendance at meetings offers us a chance at a new, fulfilling, and ever-expanding life.

  Meetings give us all the direction, connection and support we need to reach that "life beyond our wildest dreams."

As one of the oldest of AA truisms states: 

"Meeting Makers Make It."

 

Made a Decision

Trudging the Trudge

At the end of the last chapter in our Big Book, "A Vision for You," it says: 

"... and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny."

Notice the author didn't say: "... as you skip along the Road of Happy Destiny." 

The word used was "Trudge." 

It's a valuable and interesting word choice.

Our dictionary tells us that trudge means - "to walk or march steadily and usually laboriously." 

We don't initially see our recovery as a trudge. After all, it's such a relief to be set free from addiction, to have a fellowship of support around us, to bask in each new day of sobriety. 

We will enjoy our pink cloud ride until (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) something happens in our life to shake us loose and - depending on the severity of the cause - either drop us down a notch or straight into a chasm of despair. 

(Or as my brother often says, "We ride the pink cloud until we fall off and hit the pink concrete.")

But, just like when we fall off that proverbial horse, the best thing we can do is to climb right back up onto that pink cloud for another and even longer ride. 

The trick, of course, is in learning how to do that.

Tip - it takes putting into practice more of everything we've learned in recovery so far.

(Prayer helps, too.) 

The school of life, like most schools (including the one called Alcoholics Anonymous), gives us a series of lessons and then we're handed a pop quiz - or - sometimes an even more significant test. 

Afterwards we get to grade ourselves on how well we've done. 

And even if we feel we've let ourselves down a bit, we can look at where we lost the plot and then promise ourselves to do better next time. 

 

That's how we grow and change for the better.

Life Happens. Sometimes it's as yummy as a piece of home-baked cake and we happily stroll along enjoying every bite. 

Sometimes life sucker-punches us in a way we absolutely didn't see coming and knocks us to our knees. 

                                                  Here's the good news: 

   The view from our knees usually offers us a higher view. It is here that we learn we can handle all of life's events in the very same way - with gratitude.

When the going is good we can develop our sense of gratitude by appreciating every good sober day. Living with "no itches to scratch in this moment" is the very definition of that. 

Stay grateful!

When the going is shit, we can practice having gratitude for our sobriety, for having the AA tool kit offering us ways to handle our pain, and for our AA friends who rally around to keep us from plummeting further into depression.

Chopping the bad times into manageable day-at-a-time chunks, while reaching out to our Higher Power for help and guidance, will get us through any and ALL situations that used to send us to the bottle. 

Sometimes we must confront our need for help by admitting to ourselves and to others that we need it. It’s not easy to share the intimate details of our lives, but it is the key to escape from our pain.  

An old saying sums it up: "A trouble shared is a trouble halved," 

The magic in sharing ourselves with others is hard to define, but the healing for everyone involved always follows. 

Every single day someone's recovery begins when one alcoholic shares his or her experience, strength and hope with another. That's the heart and soul of AA at work. 

The same kind of healing continues throughout our "trudge" whenever we share our pain and thereby open ourselves to healing. Love from others will get us through.

Spiritual awakenings come in all shapes and sizes. For some the earth moves right away and for others it can be a long old slog ... but if we stay sober, continue to do-the-doing of recovery to the best of our ability, live to the best of our capability each day  - and stay grateful - we'll get there. 

Our need is God's opportunity. The spiritual path is the best adventure we can ever undertake. Yes, there's some trudging to be done, but it is also filled with discoveries, laughter, amazing revelations, surprises of the best kind, terrific friendships, delightful books, breathtaking moments ... it's the best and highest "high" there is. 

I wish I had realized all of this a lot sooner, but it's here for any of us when we do those first three steps every morning (with heavy emphasis on Step Three), and then get out of our own way. 

                                   Does our trudge on earth ever end? 

                                                 Sure. When we die. 

Until then we will continue to have our valuable and needed "lessons" all throughout our spiritual adventure of recovery. 

And we will always need shared experience, strength, and hope from others who skip and/or trudge along with us on our spiritual path. 

And this remains true regardless of our age or how long we've been sober. 

 

Made A Decision

       Getting a present and just playing with the box is like working the program just enough to stop drinking.

                        

            The Fifth Step ... Admitted!

Step Five - Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Why?

If God knows all our secrets and forgives them, why do we have to hang all our dirty laundry out there in front of another person?

Answer - Because to walk a spiritual path we must learn all about honesty, humility and obedience to a Power greater than us.

Our Higher Power needs us to step out in faith here, because we will otherwise remain as sick as our secrets.

Step Four took courage. Step Five takes guts.

It's one of our most important steps along our spiritual path.

That's because, as my old Geordie Gran often said: "It cleans you ooot."

Gran was talking about castor oil moving the bowels, of course, while I'm talking about getting rid of emotional shit.

But it's the same thing, both are potentially toxic.

And it's never good to hang on to toxins one moment longer than we have to!

Those who have done their Fourth and Fifth steps in quick succession often report on the immediate benefit they received:

Some say they felt "lighter,"

others more "connected" to their recovery,

while many post-5th steppers say they felt "set free."

I felt none of that.

I was disappointed, but at least I was able to tick off another step box I'd "done" in AA and move along to the next. (Box ticking was very important to me at the time.)

I didn't then realize how walled off I still was from my feelings, but it wasn't long after doing my Fourth and Fifth steps that I began experiencing all of them.

Hindsight being 20/20, I eventually connected the dots that having actually done my Fourth and Fifth Steps allowed me to finally feel my feelings.

I didn't like it at first, either. Few of us do. After all, alcohol and other drugs allowed us to shut down our bad and sad feelings, and we used them often for that very purpose.

But our feelings - or emotions - are all gifts from that Greater Power. Getting in touch with them, learning to understand what a gift they really are, is part of healthy recovery.

Some feelings do hurt, of course, but once we've acknowledged them they don't have to be fatal. This includes the ones that really, really, really hurt - because we will have learned so much from them once they're finally in our rear-view mirror.

Learning to be grateful for our feelings (this means all of them) is part of our growth in recovery. We will have to work at this, but - again to quote my old Gran - "Everything worth having takes a wee bit of work."

Bullet Points for Step Five:

1. No one wants to do a Fifth Step. Do it anyway.

2. AA’s founders recommended doing a Fifth Step immediately after getting our Fourth Step down on paper. 

3. Set aside a morning or afternoon with your sponsor, a trusted friend, your priest or rabbi, or anyone you trust (but not a live-in partner) and read your Fourth Step aloud to them. 

4. We are as sick as our secrets. Get everything (ALL of it) out in the open. 

5. Your Higher Power didn’t bring you this far to drop you on your head. Do the most thorough Fifth Step you can. The benefits will very soon reveal themselves to you.

 

Made A Decision

                        All We Need is Love

The old song says - "all we need is love" - and anyone who gets to AA and stays to the finish line will, at some point, come to realize the truth of that lyric. 

But we cannot be loving unless we want to be. 

AA over time gives us the opportunity to develop and further our ability to love.

What does love (the real cosmic deal, not just having a leg over) look like anyway? 

It looks like compassion, caring, laughter, support, education, honesty, experience, and patience. We find all of those in AA - and more besides.

Taking them one by one:

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” 

Compassion understands what someone is feeling and then acts to alleviate their suffering. 

Pity means just feeling sorry, without necessarily understanding or being able to help with another's pain.

 (Many people with aging and suffering pets have lots of pity, but little actual compassion about doing what's best for them.)

Caring - To actively display kindness and concern for others in both words and deeds.

Laughter - We all know a hearty laugh makes us feel better and there's plenty of laughter to be had in AA. Here's why laughing is good for us: 

It decreases stress hormones and increases both immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies. 

Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals that promote an overall sense of well-being. Laughter can even temporarily relieve pain.

Support - as in emotional support - the act of showing that you believe someone, or something, is good or acceptable. The act of giving love, encouragement, etc. We don't always receive that from those family members who don't have our illness, but we find it in abundance in our AA "family."

Education - We encourage knowledge of the 12-step recovery process as found in our literature. Everything we need to stay sober and have the best quality of life will be found there.

Honesty - to be trustworthy and loyal. 

Honesty (truthfulness) is a facet of moral character that promotes positive and virtuous attributes, like integrity and straightforwardness, in speech and conduct. 

Honesty also means the absence of lying, cheating, theft, and so on. 

Experience - In AA we receive practical advice on living sober lives based on the personal life experience of AA members before and after their road in recovery. The AA message does not carry itself; somebody must carry it. Our active (and happiest) members do just that!

Patience - being able to bear provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain without complaint, loss of temper or irritation. 

A willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay. Being able to have patience with reluctant, rebellious or slow learners. 

And now let's think for a moment about love as a power, as a force, and how we see it on display all the time in AA. Just consider the nervous newcomer arriving at their first AA meeting, how they are met with love in action. 

That newcomer arrives after years of being told by society, friends and family (and even by themselves on those horrible hungover mornings) that they're a total fuck up. That they need to stop drinking. That they are weak, bad, stupid, have no discipline, and are someone who should be able to do better. 

 

Then, at their very first meeting, the newcomer is told they are the most important person there! That we in AA have found a solution for our own drinking problem that can work for them, too. 

That we are not weak or undisciplined people, but rather people suffering from a chronic and terminal illness.

They learn we Alcoholics are not bad people, we are just sick people seeking to get well. 

The newcomer is enthusiastically made welcome by everyone there. We love bomb them! That LOVE is the compelling factor in any decision they make to keep coming back. 

The Hazelden Foundation puts it this way:

I will practice love, because lack of love will block the way. I will try to see good in all people, those I like and also those who fret me and go against the grain. They are all children of God. 

I will try to give love ... because the more love I give away, the more I will have.

We don't criticize people in AA, we look for the good in them and there is something good to be found in anyone. Our job is to find that good and bring it out, to bring out their best. 

We encourage the good qualities in our fellow members and ignore everything else. 

Because no one is converted by criticism. 

People respond best to love.

 What is spoken with love is always free from selfishness or negativity and has a powerful effect on others.

Words spoken with love they can actually inspire change in others. 

My first sponsor taught me the importance of "I" messages versus "you" messages and I've never forgotten her wisdom. 

A "you" message is when we say to someone "To stay sober YOU need to do such and such." 

An "I" message is when we say, "I have learned how to stay sober by doing such and such ...."

The "you message" is all about control. 

The "I message" is all about sharing love.

The bottom line is, the goal, as I recently read in a wonderful anonymous quote: 

It's none of my business what you think of me. 

It's my business what I think of you, and I love you.

If you happen to love me back it's a plus.

So you can add to my life, but you can't take away.

I'm not trading with you. 

I love you.

Period.