Made A Decision

(78)

Just when we think we know who we are ... a new challenge will enter our realm of experiences, shaking up all the understandings that have given us guidance heretofore.

Mental Illness Comes in Many Flavors

“AA is a perfect program, but it is filled with some very sick people.”

My first sponsor told me that and she was right. There’s a smorgasbord  of mental illnesses to be found in the rooms beyond the 1/3 mental part of our "spiritual, physical and mental illness".

Many AA members have “problems other than alcohol. It's a mixed bag that includes addiction to other drugs, bi-polar, autism, autism spectrum disorders, anxiety, cyclothymia, schizophrenia, depression, Asperger's, eating disorders, epilepsy, turrets, tics, restless leg syndrome, chronic insomnia and many more.

Name it, and at some point in your own recovery you will find yourself sitting next to someone in a meeting who has it. Not that it matters, unless the sufferer disrupts the meeting.

I've been in meetings where fist fights erupted, shouting matches were held, and once where police were called after guns were drawn. These disruptions, thankfully, are very, very rare, but given the overall mental health of some members, these things occasionally do happen.

It's also good to remember that all of us in AA are in various stages of recovery from our primary disease of alcoholism, too.

But before you start to get nervous or judgmental about those sitting around you, there's an outside chance that you may one day discover you have another mental condition. You may have even suffered from one (or more) such illnesses all you life - and never even knew it!

If you are suffering from an as yet undiagnosed mental illness it can sometimes be hard going while still unaware. I know this because that's exactly what recently happened to me. More has been revealed!

Some years back I suspected, in addition to being an alcoholic, I might also be bipolar - or manic/depressive as it was commonly called then. But I was eventually diagnosed as having chronic depression instead and received treatment for it. Depression is not uncommon among us. Bill W. himself suffered from depression for decades, so I accepted that diagnosis without question.

(My middle son, Forrest, at that time told me he didn't care if I was bi-polar, adding,  "I'll still love you. Both poles.")

A grandson of mine was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome as a child and was put on medication. He's now a young man in his 20s living a good life. Fast forward to now, when recently we confirmed  two of my other grandchildren have Asperger's.

I thought three cases in my nine grandchildren was a bit excessive, so I began researching it. The more I read, the more interested I became, especially learning that Asperger folks love researching things that interest them, because doing research is pretty much my own very favorite thing in life.

Hmmmmmm?

As more and more "symptoms" of Asperger's dovetailed with my own personal history I eventually went ahead and took diagnostic tests for it, tests I passed with high numbers. Who knew? Certainly not me. I've been trying to comfortably navigate social life for nearly 80 years with a brain far more handicapped than I ever knew.

I learned it's possible for Asperger sufferers to have additional mental disorders, including being bipolar, or have it's milder cousin, cyclothymia. I suspect I have a touch of the latter (based on all my "enjoyable research").

I did have a short burst of denial about having any of this, but it was quickly replaced by gratitude. Having this information explains so much about many life choices I've made.

Asperger's explains my continued low level anxiety, a need to live in the quietest environment possible; my absolute craving for solitude; my daily lists; comfort in having and keeping strict routines; disruptive sleep patterns; obsessive thinking; needing an advance escape route planned in case a social obligation becomes too much; unable to wear clothing with tags at the neck; dislike of bright lighting, bothered by music playing in a car, and so much more.

While many like myself apparently function well in society, the inner struggle we have isn't as apparent, mainly because of "masking" which sufferers adopt in childhood to fit in. Instead of displaying socially suspect behaviors (called stimming), movements that calm them like hand flapping or rocking back and forth, they substitute less noticeable behaviors like twirling their hair with their fingers, pencil tapping, pen clicking, or chewing fingernails.

In recovery I was eventually able to stop chewing my nails down to the quick, and I no longer twirl my hair around my fingers or click my pen, but I still run my hands through my hair a lot. (A LOT!)

Here's the bottom line in all this:

In recovery we never (ever!) stop learning interesting things about ourselves. It’s one of the best parts about being in AA. (It is the guilty pleasure gift of my sobriety.)

Research into mental health and addiction is ongoing. Scientists are learning more about us all the time and that's a good thing. Keeping our mind open while finding out about these new discoveries is not only interesting, it offers us information helpful for navigating our lives.

But statistically - and here's the most important part of this blog - addiction to alcohol is our life-threatening problem, and science has yet to come up with a more effective way of treating it than what's offered in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Never forget that! Keep coming back!

 

Made a Decision

(77)

               Mood Swingers

We hear it over and over again, that we have a physical, spiritual and

MENTAL

illness ... but we don't want to believe our sanity is suspect.

Despite years of getting into trouble from our drinking (true, at least,

for most of us), we continued to believe we could get a handle on it.

That there was nothing wrong with us. That the truly insane

decisions we often made were reasonable.

Think about those mood swings, where we used to (still?)

have a great day, go to bed happy, wake up in the morning

suicidal - or homicidal. Normal?

I used to hear people in meetings talking about panic attacks

and didn't identify. Then one day a member actually described her

panic attacks and I realized I'd had them all my life!

I just hadn't named them!

Alcoholics self-medicate their symptoms of mental illness by drowning

them in alcohol. We used it to calm ourselves, give ourselves courage,

to get to sleep, to be able to socialize or otherwise feel comfortable

in ourselves. 

My favorite drink was to pour black rum into black coffee, giving myself

uppers and downers in the same cup. I genuinely thought (if thinking is

the correct term for this kind of thought process) that this drink balanced

me out!

Anxiety, after all, was my middle name for most of my younger life

(helped along by my balancing drink, no doubt) and it can still nibble

around the edges of my sober mental health. 

Had I not had to go out to work to feed my children I'd have made a

great agoraphobic. Even now I feel a twinge of anxiety every time I

have to leave home and connect with the world outside my safe house.

We've all heard the saying, "What goes up must come down," but we

alcoholics can carry that to the extreme. This is especially true of our

moods. We love it when we're way, way up (manic) and we despair

when we are way, way down (depressed). For many of us these

extreme swings in mood feel "normal." 

Spoiler alert - they're not.

It takes time to even recognize them. Only then can we address them.

And mostly, with the help of our Twelve steps, defeat them. Working the

steps clears away the rubble!

Our drinking was only a symptom of the far more pervasive disease of

wanting to escape from our minds. Stopping drinking begins the

lifetime process of recovery from our unmanageable lives, our unruly

emotions and our often distressing relationships with others.

In recovery we learn our "triggers." including our much quoted  "H.A.L.T. -

meaning to not let ourselves get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. 

When we first hear this simple advice we often discount it. But as we

progress in sobriety we come to value it for the wisdom it offers.

Neglecting any of those four triggers can cause our moods to swing -

and not in a good way.   

One day at a time, under the guidance of our Higher Power, the directions

in our literature, and supported by our friends in the Fellowship in working

the steps of recovery, we can become healed.

And here's the most amazing part of that healing, we never stop learning!

I have known this for a long time, but I had it underlined very recently

when I got an interesting revelation about my own mental health that

has caused me to think about my entire life in an entirely new way. 

So buckle up, Buttercup, alcoholism is indeed a mental illness and

more will be revealed. If that interests you - tune in next week for a

blog devoted almost entirely to that subject!

 

Made A Decision

(76)

                    Self-Seeking Will Slip Away

Ever seen a "roaring drunk" in action? 

Ever been one? 

Self-discipline isn't any alcoholic's strong suit. When drunk, we behaved like rebellious, dangerous, overgrown toddlers - alienating friends, foes, and loved ones alike in the process.

Self-centered to the extreme upon arrival into AA, we so easily dismiss all of that in our early recovery. After all, we're on the right track now, aren't we? Why don't our loved ones seem to recognize it and give us some credit?

Maybe it's because when drunk we smashed holes in walls, wrecked furniture, broke their treasured belongings, said vicious unforgivable things, forgot events important to them, frightened them, shamed them and sometimes even hit them. 

Drunks do all of that - and worse. Those who suffer at our hands remember those things, because - unlike us -  their minds were not fogged by alcohol. 

It takes time, sometimes a very long time, for them to forgive our drunken history (if ever) - or trust that our sobriety will continue. 

But we don't know all that at first. In the beginning of our recovery it's all about the all-important me, me, me. 

We arrive in AA self-centered to the extreme. 

All of us!

I fought every single change our program requires of us when I first got here. 

That's because I took offence easily, argued incessantly, gossiped outrageously, dated inappropriately, ate lots of junk food, went on crash diets, resented my sponsor's advice, sulked, whined, until finally - 

slowly and reluctantly, dragging my feet every step of the way - I began to grow up.

In most of our meetings we hear "How It Works" read from Chapter Five in our Big Book. Go now to where that reading leaves off and read from there. 

That was me when I got to AA; I suspect you may identify, too.

Self-will run riot is our modus operandi when we get into recovery. We arrive with the maturity level of the age at which we began our drinking and drugging. 

It doesn't matter if by then we have teenagers of our own, we're at their same emotional level - or even much younger, because our immature behavior forced them to grow up sooner. 

And we all know what fun teenagers can sometimes be to be around! Sulky, moody, sarcastic, socially awkward and otherwise difficult. 

That's who we are when we arrive in AA. 

AA is where we finally get to grow up. 

All of us!

But, like everything else in recovery, it takes time and practice to learn (over and over again) tolerance, patience, and kindness until these become our new way of life. 

It takes time to become less critical, more positive. It takes time to control our impulses to "blow off steam" in ways that harm others. 

Learning to quiet our minds, to become our best friend rather than our worst enemy, is the goal. 

I'm glad I remember my own early AA behavior, because I am never surprised when newcomers tell me one thing and do another. 

When they agree they probably shouldn't be in a relationship right away and shag someone new that same week. 

When they complain that this member or that isn't doing their fair share of work in the group. 

When they arch a cynical eyebrow at an old-timer's suggestions in a meeting.

When they overthink everything, especially the God thing.

But I'm never amused when I see them setting themselves up to take their toys and go home. Because "home" to an alcoholic means a return to the bottle.  And for us to drink means to die.

Staying in recovery means growth and change, but thankfully we can grow and change at our own pace. We have the choice to learn how to surrender our will to our Higher Power on a daily basis - or - remain slaves to our self-will by demanding everything go our way.

"Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly."

By staying sober and continuing to Do-the-Doing we eventually become the wonderful human beings we were meant to become at the start of our lives. 

So the best thing we can do is to relax, to understand that recovery is a journey of discovery and not a one size fits all (in a hurry) destination. 

Finally, we must all learn to follow AA's Rule 62: 

"Don't take yourself too damn seriously."

You'll find that rule in our literature.

 Go find it. 

Learn something today!

 

Made A Decision

(75)

                           Keeping AA Alive

When I'm now asked to do the main share in meetings I try to remember to point out to those there that I am no longer the future of AA - they are!

I already know what AA has given me and what it has to offer, even though it's still unfolding and delighting me with new information on a regular basis. 

I've studied the books, I work the steps, I sponsor others, have started many meetings, served in virtually every trusted servant capacity, have a home group, and have been "passing it on" now for more than four decades. 

But older members like myself eventually and inevitably depart for "that bigger meeting in the sky," so AA's youngsters (of all ages) need to step up if AA is to continue serving as the refuge for suffering alcoholics. 

By doing so, they'll also keep and protect their own safe harbor in the process. But to do so, they need to know what holds AA together.

AA's Traditions hold it together.

Passionately and argumentatively forged and hammered out by AA's earliest members, the Traditions protect AA from both outside influences and from ourselves. 

Our 12 & 12, which clearly outlines and explains every Tradition for us, offers this information about their inception: 

At one time . . . every A.A. group had many membership rules.  Everybody was scared witless that something or somebody would capsize the boat . . . The total list was a mile long. If all those rules had been in effect everywhere, nobody could have possibly joined A.A. at all . . .

 

The 12 & 12 also tells us:

Over the years, every conceivable deviation from our Twelve Steps and Traditions has been tried. That was sure to be, since we are largely a band of ego-driven individuals. 

Children of chaos, we have definitely played with every brand of fire, only to emerge unharmed and, we think, wiser. These very deviations created a vast process of trial and error which, under the grace of God, has brought us to where we stand today.

Our Twelve Traditions give us the guidelines for our own group, other groups, and for our fellowship throughout the world. They outline our purpose as a society, establish our requirement for membership, and define our policies for public relations, finances, and so much more.

Originally drafted by Bill Wilson, these principles were refined by both our founders and early members. They were later accepted and endorsed in 1950 by the membership at large during an International Convention of AA in Cleveland, Ohio.

Many AA members, especially newcomers, don't give our Traditions much thought and are perfectly content to let others manage the business of their home group. And, when those others are grounded in the Traditions, putting plans, policies and principles into action, that's fine. 

But when a group's leader (or leaders) become controlling and power-driven, the survival of the group itself is then at risk. So all AA members, even its newer members, need to learn and put our Traditions into practice in our group - and in our lives.

Merely sometimes reading the Traditions in meetings isn't enough. They need to become part of our DNA, to become principles we apply in our groups and as guardrails in our own lives. 

There are in-person and zoom study groups offering the chance to study them with others. There are Tradition workshops available, too. Go find them! Learn something!

Applying the Traditions guarantees the equality of all AA members and the independence of all groups.  They are our fellowship's safety net; they protect and hold us together.

 And we must know our Traditions to keep them - to keep alive our three vital legacies of recovery, unity, and service. 

As one of our co-founders wrote in a long ago letter: "When it comes to survival for AA, nothing short of our very best will be good enough.”

Our "very best" requires us all to thoroughly ground ourselves in our Traditions.

Working the Steps protects our sobriety. Working the Traditions protects us all.

Made A Decision

(74)

                Where's the Magic Bullet?

        (For those whose problem isn't alcohol, rather it's an alcoholic!)

"How can I get my ... daughter, husband, son, wife, friend, uncle, aunt, cousin, neighbor, co-worker, lover, boss, grandchild, step-dad, etc. etc. etc. ... sober?"

It’s the most heart-wrenching question recovering alcoholics can ever hear, because the answer is: "You can't."

Sadly, there is no magic bullet to shoot down drunks and drag them into AA. I’ve wished for one many times, but in recovery it's truly every woman or every man for themselves.

I always recommend the 12-step program of Al-Anon to those suffering from loving someone who, in their eyes, is hell-bent on destroying themselves and everyone in their orbit. 

But, just like suggesting AA to a still drinking alcoholic, people suffering from "alcoholic over-exposure," usually don't want to hear about Al-Anon, either. 

I used to wonder why that was, but now I think it's either about control, or an unwillingness to believe anyone has a better solution for their “unique” problem, or a need for the family scapegoat to keep that job so others can feel better about themselves.

"I may have some problems, who doesn't? But at least I'm not the total fuck up my sister (niece/cousin/or-any-other) is."

"I've done everything I could possibly do to help. I've paid their rent. Cared for their children. Taken groceries over there ... but he/she just won't listen to reason."

In the big picture the problem child (alcoholic) makes everyone feel better about their own lives, especially those who enjoy a drink or two and can do so without overdoing it.

But when we're invested in trying to control anyone's behavior we're soon destined to feel frustrated, baffled, and eventually angry. People are not puppets. God gave each of us free will to either use for our good or our harm.

Despite the fact that alcoholics can be obnoxious, destructive, self-centered, controlling, and virtually impossible to deal with when they are drinking - Alcoholism is an illness - a chronic, terminal, fatal, progressive illness with detectable symptoms as it progresses.

And - here's the big thing - alcoholics don't know they are ill. 

The drug ethanol, found in every alcoholic beverage, inflames the brain.

Even one drink impacts the ability to think clearly.

Larger amounts actually cause the brain to swell.

Imagine trying to think clearly with a swollen brain!

No one would shout at someone with a broken leg - "Get up and walk you lazy bastard." We wouldn't tell someone with diabetes, "You've brought this on yourself eating all that sugar." We don't tell someone with cancer to "Stop being such a victim."

And yet non-alcoholics say hurtful things to drinking alcoholics all the time:

"You disgraced our entire family with your behavior last night."

"Don't you realize what this is doing to your children? "

"What is WRONG with YOU?"

"If you loved me you wouldn't keep drinking when you know it hurts me so much."

And so on (and on, and on).

We alcoholics get asked - often - “Why don’t you just have a couple of drinks and then stop?”  We have no answer when we're still drinking, because we don’t know that a single drink in an alcoholic ignites a physiological response known as “craving,” where one drink is too much and a hundred aren’t enough.

People watching us self-destruct truly do not understand how we can not see that it is our drinking that's causing us all our problems, but we honestly, truly, completely do not see it. 

We can't allow ourselves to see it, because we are full of fear and have serious doubts there's anything that can help us. Drinking shuts down that fear, while assuring us our drinking isn't as bad as all that.

If you are hoping for sobriety for someone close to you, all the lectures in the world won't change them. All the "shoulds" and "whys" and "please" won't budge them.

What you can do is put some AA brochures in their path, or a copy of AA's Big Book of recovery, but that's about it. Once that's done it's time to shut up and leave the alcoholic with it.

I firmly believe my brother, Robert, prayed me into the rooms of AA after first showering me with a ton of AA brochures. I will always be grateful for him pointing me toward AA ... but I sure as hell wasn't when all those brochures arrived!  

And I certainly wasn't convinced AA could help very-special-me when I finally did get into recovery. I stayed sober for three years, one nervous day at a time, before I was able to relax a bit and believe that AA might actually continue to work for me.

It did work.

It continues to work. It has worked for me for 41 sober years now.

And if it can work for me it can work for any alcoholic who gives it their best try.

But how to get them to try? 

Alcoholics have to have their own personal "moment of clarity," where we suddenly see what we're doing to ourselves and desperately want to escape. Only then can we become willing to try something - anything - new.

In AA it's called "hitting bottom," and it can occur at any stage in our drinking. 

So if there's an alcoholic in your life you're hoping to see get sober, please remember you are dealing with a sick person needing to get well, not a bad person who needs to become good. 

The AlAnon program has helped millions of people with your problem. Go there for a minimum of six meetings before you decide if it can help you or not.

There's relief in AlAnon for you if you'll give it a chance to work. Today could be the day for you to hit your own "bottom" with your problem.

That's my prayer for you.