OKaysez

 

Made A Decision

(76)

                    Self-Seeking Will Slip Away

Ever seen a "roaring drunk" in action? 

Ever been one? 

Self-discipline isn't any alcoholic's strong suit. When drunk, we behaved like rebellious, dangerous, overgrown toddlers - alienating friends, foes, and loved ones alike in the process.

Self-centered to the extreme upon arrival into AA, we so easily dismiss all of that in our early recovery. After all, we're on the right track now, aren't we? Why don't our loved ones seem to recognize it and give us some credit?

Maybe it's because when drunk we smashed holes in walls, wrecked furniture, broke their treasured belongings, said vicious unforgivable things, forgot events important to them, frightened them, shamed them and sometimes even hit them. 

Drunks do all of that - and worse. Those who suffer at our hands remember those things, because - unlike us -  their minds were not fogged by alcohol. 

It takes time, sometimes a very long time, for them to forgive our drunken history (if ever) - or trust that our sobriety will continue. 

But we don't know all that at first. In the beginning of our recovery it's all about the all-important me, me, me. 

We arrive in AA self-centered to the extreme. 

All of us!

I fought every single change our program requires of us when I first got here. 

That's because I took offence easily, argued incessantly, gossiped outrageously, dated inappropriately, ate lots of junk food, went on crash diets, resented my sponsor's advice, sulked, whined, until finally - 

slowly and reluctantly, dragging my feet every step of the way - I began to grow up.

In most of our meetings we hear "How It Works" read from Chapter Five in our Big Book. Go now to where that reading leaves off and read from there. 

That was me when I got to AA; I suspect you may identify, too.

Self-will run riot is our modus operandi when we get into recovery. We arrive with the maturity level of the age at which we began our drinking and drugging. 

It doesn't matter if by then we have teenagers of our own, we're at their same emotional level - or even much younger, because our immature behavior forced them to grow up sooner. 

And we all know what fun teenagers can sometimes be to be around! Sulky, moody, sarcastic, socially awkward and otherwise difficult. 

That's who we are when we arrive in AA. 

AA is where we finally get to grow up. 

All of us!

But, like everything else in recovery, it takes time and practice to learn (over and over again) tolerance, patience, and kindness until these become our new way of life. 

It takes time to become less critical, more positive. It takes time to control our impulses to "blow off steam" in ways that harm others. 

Learning to quiet our minds, to become our best friend rather than our worst enemy, is the goal. 

I'm glad I remember my own early AA behavior, because I am never surprised when newcomers tell me one thing and do another. 

When they agree they probably shouldn't be in a relationship right away and shag someone new that same week. 

When they complain that this member or that isn't doing their fair share of work in the group. 

When they arch a cynical eyebrow at an old-timer's suggestions in a meeting.

When they overthink everything, especially the God thing.

But I'm never amused when I see them setting themselves up to take their toys and go home. Because "home" to an alcoholic means a return to the bottle.  And for us to drink means to die.

Staying in recovery means growth and change, but thankfully we can grow and change at our own pace. We have the choice to learn how to surrender our will to our Higher Power on a daily basis - or - remain slaves to our self-will by demanding everything go our way.

"Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly."

By staying sober and continuing to Do-the-Doing we eventually become the wonderful human beings we were meant to become at the start of our lives. 

So the best thing we can do is to relax, to understand that recovery is a journey of discovery and not a one size fits all (in a hurry) destination. 

Finally, we must all learn to follow AA's Rule 62: 

"Don't take yourself too damn seriously."

You'll find that rule in our literature.

 Go find it. 

Learn something today!