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Made A Decision

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Just when we think we know who we are ... a new challenge will enter our realm of experiences, shaking up all the understandings that have given us guidance heretofore.

Mental Illness Comes in Many Flavors

“AA is a perfect program, but it is filled with some very sick people.”

My first sponsor told me that and she was right. There’s a smorgasbord  of mental illnesses to be found in the rooms beyond the 1/3 mental part of our "spiritual, physical and mental illness".

Many AA members have “problems other than alcohol. It's a mixed bag that includes addiction to other drugs, bi-polar, autism, autism spectrum disorders, anxiety, cyclothymia, schizophrenia, depression, Asperger's, eating disorders, epilepsy, turrets, tics, restless leg syndrome, chronic insomnia and many more.

Name it, and at some point in your own recovery you will find yourself sitting next to someone in a meeting who has it. Not that it matters, unless the sufferer disrupts the meeting.

I've been in meetings where fist fights erupted, shouting matches were held, and once where police were called after guns were drawn. These disruptions, thankfully, are very, very rare, but given the overall mental health of some members, these things occasionally do happen.

It's also good to remember that all of us in AA are in various stages of recovery from our primary disease of alcoholism, too.

But before you start to get nervous or judgmental about those sitting around you, there's an outside chance that you may one day discover you have another mental condition. You may have even suffered from one (or more) such illnesses all you life - and never even knew it!

If you are suffering from an as yet undiagnosed mental illness it can sometimes be hard going while still unaware. I know this because that's exactly what recently happened to me. More has been revealed!

Some years back I suspected, in addition to being an alcoholic, I might also be bipolar - or manic/depressive as it was commonly called then. But I was eventually diagnosed as having chronic depression instead and received treatment for it. Depression is not uncommon among us. Bill W. himself suffered from depression for decades, so I accepted that diagnosis without question.

(My middle son, Forrest, at that time told me he didn't care if I was bi-polar, adding,  "I'll still love you. Both poles.")

A grandson of mine was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome as a child and was put on medication. He's now a young man in his 20s living a good life. Fast forward to now, when recently we confirmed  two of my other grandchildren have Asperger's.

I thought three cases in my nine grandchildren was a bit excessive, so I began researching it. The more I read, the more interested I became, especially learning that Asperger folks love researching things that interest them, because doing research is pretty much my own very favorite thing in life.

Hmmmmmm?

As more and more "symptoms" of Asperger's dovetailed with my own personal history I eventually went ahead and took diagnostic tests for it, tests I passed with high numbers. Who knew? Certainly not me. I've been trying to comfortably navigate social life for nearly 80 years with a brain far more handicapped than I ever knew.

I learned it's possible for Asperger sufferers to have additional mental disorders, including being bipolar, or have it's milder cousin, cyclothymia. I suspect I have a touch of the latter (based on all my "enjoyable research").

I did have a short burst of denial about having any of this, but it was quickly replaced by gratitude. Having this information explains so much about many life choices I've made.

Asperger's explains my continued low level anxiety, a need to live in the quietest environment possible; my absolute craving for solitude; my daily lists; comfort in having and keeping strict routines; disruptive sleep patterns; obsessive thinking; needing an advance escape route planned in case a social obligation becomes too much; unable to wear clothing with tags at the neck; dislike of bright lighting, bothered by music playing in a car, and so much more.

While many like myself apparently function well in society, the inner struggle we have isn't as apparent, mainly because of "masking" which sufferers adopt in childhood to fit in. Instead of displaying socially suspect behaviors (called stimming), movements that calm them like hand flapping or rocking back and forth, they substitute less noticeable behaviors like twirling their hair with their fingers, pencil tapping, pen clicking, or chewing fingernails.

In recovery I was eventually able to stop chewing my nails down to the quick, and I no longer twirl my hair around my fingers or click my pen, but I still run my hands through my hair a lot. (A LOT!)

Here's the bottom line in all this:

In recovery we never (ever!) stop learning interesting things about ourselves. It’s one of the best parts about being in AA. (It is the guilty pleasure gift of my sobriety.)

Research into mental health and addiction is ongoing. Scientists are learning more about us all the time and that's a good thing. Keeping our mind open while finding out about these new discoveries is not only interesting, it offers us information helpful for navigating our lives.

But statistically - and here's the most important part of this blog - addiction to alcohol is our life-threatening problem, and science has yet to come up with a more effective way of treating it than what's offered in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Never forget that! Keep coming back!