OKaysez

 

Made a Decision

(77)

               Mood Swingers

We hear it over and over again, that we have a physical, spiritual and

MENTAL

illness ... but we don't want to believe our sanity is suspect.

Despite years of getting into trouble from our drinking (true, at least,

for most of us), we continued to believe we could get a handle on it.

That there was nothing wrong with us. That the truly insane

decisions we often made were reasonable.

Think about those mood swings, where we used to (still?)

have a great day, go to bed happy, wake up in the morning

suicidal - or homicidal. Normal?

I used to hear people in meetings talking about panic attacks

and didn't identify. Then one day a member actually described her

panic attacks and I realized I'd had them all my life!

I just hadn't named them!

Alcoholics self-medicate their symptoms of mental illness by drowning

them in alcohol. We used it to calm ourselves, give ourselves courage,

to get to sleep, to be able to socialize or otherwise feel comfortable

in ourselves. 

My favorite drink was to pour black rum into black coffee, giving myself

uppers and downers in the same cup. I genuinely thought (if thinking is

the correct term for this kind of thought process) that this drink balanced

me out!

Anxiety, after all, was my middle name for most of my younger life

(helped along by my balancing drink, no doubt) and it can still nibble

around the edges of my sober mental health. 

Had I not had to go out to work to feed my children I'd have made a

great agoraphobic. Even now I feel a twinge of anxiety every time I

have to leave home and connect with the world outside my safe house.

We've all heard the saying, "What goes up must come down," but we

alcoholics can carry that to the extreme. This is especially true of our

moods. We love it when we're way, way up (manic) and we despair

when we are way, way down (depressed). For many of us these

extreme swings in mood feel "normal." 

Spoiler alert - they're not.

It takes time to even recognize them. Only then can we address them.

And mostly, with the help of our Twelve steps, defeat them. Working the

steps clears away the rubble!

Our drinking was only a symptom of the far more pervasive disease of

wanting to escape from our minds. Stopping drinking begins the

lifetime process of recovery from our unmanageable lives, our unruly

emotions and our often distressing relationships with others.

In recovery we learn our "triggers." including our much quoted  "H.A.L.T. -

meaning to not let ourselves get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. 

When we first hear this simple advice we often discount it. But as we

progress in sobriety we come to value it for the wisdom it offers.

Neglecting any of those four triggers can cause our moods to swing -

and not in a good way.   

One day at a time, under the guidance of our Higher Power, the directions

in our literature, and supported by our friends in the Fellowship in working

the steps of recovery, we can become healed.

And here's the most amazing part of that healing, we never stop learning!

I have known this for a long time, but I had it underlined very recently

when I got an interesting revelation about my own mental health that

has caused me to think about my entire life in an entirely new way. 

So buckle up, Buttercup, alcoholism is indeed a mental illness and

more will be revealed. If that interests you - tune in next week for a

blog devoted almost entirely to that subject!