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                                                 Double Winners

I was less than a year sober when I first heard the term "Double Winners" and learned it meant people who were members of both AA and AlAnon. 

Even so, it took me nearly 14 years before I went to my first AlAnon meeting.

Once there, the members pissed me off so badly by calling me out and telling me the truth, it took me several more years to go back for another meeting. 

AlAnon members have a lot they can teach us, but trust me, they don't play softball. Tough love is their middle name, and it has to be, because they're striving for their own sanity while dealing with us drunks. 

Why did I go to AlAnon in the first place?

 I was a sober alcoholic, but I was in a relationship with a man who drank. (A lot.) 

I also had a lot of alcoholic family members, co-workers and friends in my life. Some of them were sober. Some were not.

I figured AlAnon - the 12-step program that deals with those who have both drinking or sober alcoholics in their lives - might be able to teach me something. 

They could. And they have. And they continue to do so.

But first I had to become willing to be taught.

As part of my morning readings today I include their lovely little book One Day at a Time in AlAnon. I can highly recommend it for all recovering alcoholics, even for those who will never attend an AlAnon meeting.

The book contains gems on not only dealing with the other alcoholics in our lives (and with everyone else, too, including teenagers, relatives and partners), it can also teach us how to control our own often volatile temperaments.

Some examples:

I will pause and think before I say anything, lest my anger turn back upon me and make my difficulties even greater. I will know that well-timed silence can give me command of the situation, as angry reproaches never can. 

How happy and useful I could be if I weren't carrying around such a load of unpleasant emotional turmoil. No one asks me to, so why do I?

Am I too busy to pray? Have I no time for meditation? Then let me ask myself whether I have been able to solve my problems without help.

Knowing that only complete honesty will bring me to self-understanding, I pray that my Higher Power will help me guard against deceiving myself.

Let me fill this one day with thoughts and and actions I have no need to regret.

And finally this gem that I read just this morning:

Bad habits and compulsions cannot be conquered by determined resolutions or promising ourselves that we won't go on doing this or that 

They cannot be rooted out -  for what would fill that vacuum? They must be replaced - with their opposites. 

The secret is to substitute the positive for the negative - the I will for the I won't.

You may want to add the reading of some AlAnon literature to your own daily readings. It may prove to be of great help to you. I know it has certainly helped me.

Remember, our AA literature advises us to "Make use of what others have to offer." 

This includes 12-step programs for other issues if needed, medication on a doctor's advice, spiritual direction from a faith of our choice, exploring other faiths to deepen our understanding, and so much more.

AA is the perfect program to keep us sober, but it also encourages us to expand our horizons to become not only assets in AA, but also assets to our families and in our communities. 

As it states in our wonderful 12&12 book:

Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God’s help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God’s sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in 

self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes, but can fit and belong in God’s scheme of things. 

These are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes.

One of the great joys of recovery is learning who we really are and then to share that exciting discovery with others. We all have different and much needed gifts and AA gives us the platform to deliver them where needed. 

In addition to our important service work for AA, we can volunteer in so many directions - cooking in homeless shelters; walking dogs at the nearest animal care facility; volunteer at a local hospital; teach kids how to play chess in an after-school class; coach a neighborhood sports team; 

 join an activist society; get on stage in a community theater (or support it by painting sets or making costumes); check daily on an elderly neighbor; host a monthly dinner for neighbors who live alone (make it a pot luck if money is tight).

 It's the sharing of ourselves that matters - both inside and outside of AA. 

As drinking alcoholics we thought mainly of ourselves. We were takers, not givers. 

AA teaches us the joy in life is found in the giving. 

Recovery gives us a sober life to live and to live it fully.

Go live your best life today!

 

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                           The Rules of AA

There are none. 

There are no rules in AA. 

There are only "suggestions" and long-established expectations for members that boil down to: Be considerate, attentive and don't disrupt meetings.

Alcoholics, by temperament, don't respond well to orders. Were we told we MUST do the steps, MUST do AA service work, MUST believe in God, MUST behave in a certain way in meetings, our program of recovery would have died long ago. 

Our Founders knew their audience. They didn't tell us to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD. The gave us a Higher Power of our own understanding. No dogma, just an open door leading to an ever-expanding spiritual path.

It is traditional for AA members to gently teach newcomers through a time-tested method of using  "I" messages that convey all those important things newcomers need to know.

 Instead of saying "YOU need to do all the steps in order," we say things like, "My sponsor suggested our steps are laid out and numbered in order for a reason. She said I didn't need to fear Step Nine, because after I had done the first eight steps I would be ready to do Step Nine. And she was right."

We never tell fellow members what they should do to get well. We don't "should" on our fellow members, we tell them what we do to get better. 

When well used, "I" messages aren't about ego. They're instead an effective and proper use of the word "I".

Newcomers have no idea how to behave when they first arrive in AA. How could they? We learn these things over time. Many newcomers say very little and study the behavior of others before doing much participation. Others try to dominate meetings with interruptions and their own interpretation of how others need to behave. 

Those who study first and participate later are no problem. They'll soon find their way. Those who wish to dominate must sometimes be confronted by their sponsor, or more seasoned members (if they haven't yet found a sponsor) to show them a better way.

I was an AA "two stepper" at the start of my own recovery - I'd taken the first step and wanted to go straight to number 12 and carry a message to others I didn't yet have. Fortunately I had a sponsor who knew how to reign me in.

No one is unique in AA and the two most dangerous words in a recovering alcoholic's vocabulary are, "I'm different."  

Our stories may run the gamut from highly dramatic adventures involving police, jails, car wrecks, domestic violence, and blackout crimes. Or we may have just have quietly sat at home drinking ourselves into oblivion. Either way, the root cause of our misery was alcoholism.

 Fortunately our disease eventually makes us willing to jump into the AA lifeboat. Once there we must learn to row together to save ourselves from further disaster. So in meetings we don't talk down to fellow members.

 Nor do we use phrases like "you alcoholics." When we speak in a meeting it is customary to give our name, followed by "and I am an alcoholic." But we don't label anyone else there an alcoholic, especially newcomers. That is for them to discover.

We don't cross talk - meaning we don't interrupt or comment aloud when another member is speaking. Their need to share without anyone derailing their thoughts is sacrosanct in AA.

But we can cross share, in fact our entire program is built on a foundation of one alcoholic sharing experience, strength and hope with another. 

Here's how that works: 

When a member is sharing about a problem they're having that we have personal experience in overcoming by using the tools of AA recovery we can say so when it is our turn to share.

We share on topic first - and then can add something like, "When J. shared earlier about that problem with his boss I was reminded I once had that same problem. My sponsor told me to pray for her. And even though I didn't want to, I did. And it worked, because ... 

 "I learned my boss had a kid in the hospital and was cross from worry and not mad at me  ... "

or ... "my boss and I were actually soon able to have a good talk about her expectations from me ... "

or ... "the company soon moved my boss to another office ... "

or whatever the solution turned out to be.

Part of a sponsor's job is to teach us about AA. My first sponsor taught me to arrive at meetings 10 minutes early and leave 10 minutes afterwards. I was told to use those 20 minutes to help others set up the room, make coffee and hot water for tea, and to clean up afterwards while chatting with other AA worker bees.

(We can come early to Zoom meetings, too, and get better acquainted with those there.)

She also taught me to: apologize if I was late; to not whisper to those nearby during a meeting; get my cuppa before the meeting started and, unless I had a sudden below-decks problem, to wait until after the meeting to visit the toilet.

 I was taught to share and read when asked; watch for and greet newcomers warmly; become active in group service, and much more.

Today I would add no texting or playing online games during a meeting  (I've seen both); Turn off phones when entering any meeting; and in Zoom - no cooking, eating or otherwise wandering around the house during meetings.

If there is an emergency situation in your life where you might have to take a call, set your phone on silent alert. If you then must leave you can turn off your audio and video and do so quietly.

When we attend religious services, weddings, funerals, public hearings  or the theater, we don't indulge in wandering around disturbing others. We certainly can control ourselves for the length of time it takes to sit through a meeting. 

We show respect for our program by listening to the beginning readings and to others when they share (even those we think talk too much). We can be around AA a long time and then suddenly identify with something we've heard read many times. The same is true of hearing something said that can forever enhance our own recovery.

I believe my Higher Power speaks to me through the people in my meetings. Or, as I've heard said, "My Higher Power has to wear skin for me to hear my answers."

Some people, even groups, have a problem with members who use swear words to express themselves. I'm not one of them. A little blue language won't hurt us, whereas a pious and judgmental attitude will.

Gossip can kill. Don't do it. We need to always remember we alcoholics are highly sensitive people dealing with a deadly disease. Even one thoughtless comment to-or-about someone might drive them out of AA  - and that could be their death sentence. 

AA is our safe place. We need to keep it safe for everyone.

Once we learn, and put these "suggestions" into practice, we become active contributing members of AA and not just uninvolved visitors.

 

 

 

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                                      The Courage to Change

           Courage is the willingness to accept fear and act anyway.

It takes courage to face the harsh fact that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. 

Facing the truth about our addiction wasn't easy, nor is the process of embracing a new way of life without alcohol, but once we've made that decision a new and better way of living can begin.

The best news is that our Higher Power hands out courage like gumdrops to those who actively ask for it - and then apply it. We don't have to face any of the changes required of us in sobriety alone. 

Alcohol is a depressant. Our drinking life became a life of depression. Today we are too blessed to be depressed. And it was change that set us free.

As  Bill W. said way back in 1965: 

Let us never fear needed change ... once a need becomes clearly apparent in an individual, in a group, or in A.A. as a whole, it has long since been found out that we cannot stand still and look the other way. The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.

And what does changing to get and stay sober entail? 

At its most basic it means we make a daily commitment to remaining sober. 

For some that means asking our Higher Power for sobriety each morning upon awakening, and thanking Him that night for our having had another sober day.

Many AA members devote a considerable amount of time to prayer and meditation to get their day started right. Others just check in with their Higher Power throughout the day as needed. 

Meetings become a priority and we list in our daily planner which ones we'll be attending that day. We'll list our AA service commitments there, too. 

Hanging out with our friends in recovery is also important. They need our support after all ... and we need theirs! Our AA friendships -  formed on the anvil of learning how to actually be a good friend - are a vital component of staying sober in our early sobriety. It is where we learn (quite possibly for the first time ever) that friends are not required to be our clones. It is where we begin to learn about acceptance!

We all have different opinions, different ways of living, and different ways of working our program. But as long as we're staying sober and doing our best to help others, all of that is OK. 

In fact, it's as it should be. 

As Bill W. himself also said - 

        Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. 

This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives. Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built.

A drinking life is not a normal life. When we drink heavily our bodies take real punishment. Drunks don't eat properly, sleep well, and live in continual mental turmoil. Excessive alcohol intake physically causes our brains to actually swell, so we go through life thinking with a swollen brain. No wonder we used to make some pretty bad decisions! 

A few weeks into sobriety we will begin to  notice the difference as our minds clear up and our bodies start to relax. By the time we approach our second sober anniversary we'll probably have more mental and physical energy than we've ever had before.

Progressing in sobriety has been compared to building a house. First the foundation is poured (quitting drinking). Then rooms are added one by one as we begin to work the steps and practice the program.  Over time our building skills vastly improve and we are able to furnish our homes comfortably.

 I also like the analogy of living sober being a lot like baking a cake. We read a recipe, add the ingredients in order, mix it thoroughly, bake it for a period of time and - voila - we get a cake.

 In recovery we read the Big Book (recipe), do what it suggests in order, stir it around though every experience life offers us, and then "bake" it one sober day at a time until - voila - we find ourselves living that life beyond our wildest dreams. 

When we arrived in AA a sober life seemed like an impossible dream. It felt unnatural. But as our sober journey progresses we marvel that we ever sought escape in a bottle - or anything else.

Fact - No comfort can be found in "what was" once "what was" has became a death sentence.

Fact - We can't make any progress without making decisions.

Fact - Our program of recovery gives us a blueprint on How to Change for the better.

 

Fact -  Change offers us power.

Fact - Life is about movement. It is meant to be exciting and adventurous.

Live yourself a factual sober life!

 

 

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                      Alcoholism Never Goes Away

There's no vaccine, no pill, no medical treatment to permanently cure our illness of alcoholism. There may be one in the future, but there's never been one throughout history and there's not one now.

We alcoholics have a chronic, progressive, terminal illness for which there is no cure! We can have a daily reprieve from our illness by not drinking during that 24 hour period, but that's not a cure. That's a gift.

We talk a lot about our Higher Power in AA, how using the "tools of AA" give us a good sober life, but I have come to believe there is a lower power busy in the world, too, and it looks to me like addiction is one of the best tools in its own tool kit.

When we were drunk we were said to be wasted, smashed, polluted, destroyed, fucked up, tanked, hammered, soaked, wrecked, pissed, blind drunk, boozed, fried, loaded - and the list goes on. There are actually nearly 200 historical words used to describe someone who is drunk. None of them I've found are complimentary.

But when we arrived in AA and heard the word "alcoholism," it was no longer a judgement, it was a diagnosis. We weren't crazy when we kept on drinking after all, we were sick. What a relief it was to learn that.

The long-established picture of the broken down drunk living in a cardboard box beneath a railroad bridge seems to be branded on the brains of everyone in a drinking society. Young alcoholics use that image to reassure themselves every time they pick up a drink that they're obviously not an alcoholic. 

What isn't common knowledge is that image of the drunk in the cardboard palace is actually living out the final stages of our disease. Ours is a progressive disease. We don't start out as late stage alcoholics. 

We start out looking like social drinkers, although drinking a bit on the heavier side of that description. We soon progress to having sporadic problems from our drinking (social embarrassments, run-ins with the law, family problems), but unless we die in a traffic accident or domestic "incident," or speed up our progression by using other drugs in addition to alcohol, we can continue our "social drinking" for quite awhile.That's life in Stage One Alcoholism.

Stage Two gets uglier. That's when our "hangovers" become actual alcohol poisoning. That's when we start to reek of booze. No one wants us around anymore, so we isolate from family and society. That's when we might try to stop drinking and find that we can't. That's when suicide starts to look like a viable solution for our problems.

Stage Three is the short one. It ends in 

(a) "wet brain," where we drool in our soup, wear adult diapers and get locked away in a mental institution for whatever length of life is left to us. Or (b) death. 

An alcoholic death is an ugly death to have - or to witness. But it's the probable outcome for an alcoholic who continues to drink. 

Our disease wants to isolate us, take away everything we hold dear, and then kill us. If I'm right about our "lower power" also being at work in the world, booze shows itself to be a great  tool for that nefarious purpose.

Sadly, after a while in AA, we can so easily resort to our one-time thinking about drinking. And we can start to place conditions on our priceless sobriety like "I'll stay sober as long as ... "

Yes. I've actually heard people in the program say that, basically telling their Higher Power not to allow anything bad to happen in their lives - "or else."  Such thoughts totally ignore the unchangeable nature of our illness, our biochemical predisposition to abusing alcohol once it's in our systems. 

As our Big Book states:

We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this. 

All of our AA's literature stresses that above point. And we'll hear it in meetings, too, in statements like: 

Once you've soaked a cucumber in vinegar long enough it changes and becomes a pickle and will never be a cucumber again. I soaked me in alcohol long enough to become a pickle. I can't go back and become a non-alcoholic again ... 

The very first time I drank I had an alcoholic blackout, so because I now know that not all alcoholics have alcoholic blackouts, but NO non-alcoholics have them, I clearly was born with my disease just waiting for me to prime the pump.

For the next twenty years of my life I kept priming it and continued to experience all the rewards for that behavior - divorce, single-parenthood, driving drunk, wrecked car, court, etc. - but like most of us I believed I could eventually learn to manage my drinking. 

I couldn't, didn't, and now know for sure there's no hope for any alcoholic to ever "learn" control over their addiction. 

Oh sure, we might experience one night at an important occasion of being able to white-knuckle our hand around only one drink that evening, but that's not control. That's an obligation to that one event. And even then, with the boss in attendance or an angry spouse eyeballing our glass - there's no guarantee we'll be able to keep it to one drink until that occasion is over. Over time, after a diet of endless defeat, we seldom bother to try.

I've seen dozens of people come to AA, get sober, make huge progress in gaining good and productive lives, and then start to grumble and gripe a bit in meetings. Life isn't perfect. Their dog died. They lost their job. Their partner left them. 

Soon, because life isn't perfect, they begin to show up  infrequently in meetings (including their home group). They then no longer showed up in meetings where they were formerly regulars. Silence follows about them for awhile. Then the dreaded AA grapevine confirms they've picked up a drink. 

The pattern is a familiar one and it always ends badly, often fatally. The lucky ones return to AA and, as those who know me have often heard me say, they never return with a story about how great it was when they were back drinking again.

But here's your good news  - once alcohol is our of our systems our decision to pick up a drink is just that, a decision, and it's one we never ever again have to make. We can, instead, hang on to our decision to remain sober.

Keep Coming Back! 

 

 

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(Please forgive any typos you may find. I am in the middle of moving house and have had  to clear out sooner than planned when the house I'm moving from flooded very badly today. So the first day of 2023 has been a bit chaotic, but as they say where I come from - "Bad start, good finish - meaning in the bigger picture it's going to be a great year).

                                     Wishing You All A Happy Sober New Year!!!

 I asked my Higher Power throughout 2022 for ways in which I could have a lighter footprint on our planet. So in May my Higher Power brought me to rural Portugal and I am right now in the middle of moving from my flat, with all its mod-cons, into our purchased house (Rocksalot) with virtually none.  

Change, change, change ... I am reminding myself today that "change is always the invitation to a richer life!"

Rocksalot hasn't had an upgrade since roughly World War II, and it was built long before The Great War (WWI) was even underway. It is an old, old pile of rocks with lots of potential hidden inside its bones. So our extensive renovation is on right now.

Because my teenage grandchildren live there along with their Mom, two mod-cons went in immediately. The first was electricity and the other is the Internet. Both are very important to me, too, as all my meetings today take place on Zoom.

Are any of you old enough to remember "the nettie?" How about "the out house?" Rocksalot does not yet have indoor plumbing or running water, and the heat is from an open fire in the kitchen, which is also used for cooking. 

One by one, one day at a time, those things deemed most important will be added (the running water project is already well underway). It's an exciting new year for all of us here and by this summer I expect to be living in my own comfortable "granny flat" in the downstairs portion of the house. 

Now. What about you?

 What have you and your own Higher Power got cooking up together for the New Year? Over the holiday season have you reflected on all the changes that have taken place in your sober life in 2022? Are you looking for expanding on those in the New Year, 2023?

Most New Year's Resolutions just "go in one year and out the other." But when we reflect upon what AA has given us, and think on how we can open up new vistas in the year ahead through our program of recovery, that's when we start to design the kind of life we want for ourselves. And we get to do it all with HP's help.

In 2023 we may decide to go back to school; pursue a new career; commit to a relationship; adopt a pet; learn to garden or add to the one we have; write a book; take an art class; tackle learning a new language; take up hiking; become a hill climber; learn to sail a boat; get and furnish a dollhouse; become politically active; go camping; read more; learn to cook, bake or expand on what we already know of the culinary arts.

We might adopt a different lifestyle; deepen our spirituality through daily meditation; start a program of Tai Chi, or aerobics, or QIgong and Louhan Patting; devote more time to self-care; spend more time with our children, our grandchildren, or any other child we're fortunate enough to have in our lives .... the list of choices is, truly, unlimited. 

When we drank we may have thought about doing many of those things, but we seldom put thought into action. Early in our addiction it was just easier to escape from our life than to try and improve it. At the end time of our drinking it was impossible to even try. 

In recovery the sky's the limit. Our Higher Power will make sure we have everything we need so we can focus on pursuits we find interesting. In AA that's known as being joyous, happy and free.

In addition to my house project I also plan to finish writing the book I'm well into at the moment and then get cracking on a second one. I'll have a brand new garden space to get stuck into, too. And, as always, I'll give my service to AA the priority in my life it deserves, for without my sobriety none of the things I hope to bring to fruition this year will happen.

Our AA literature tells us we MUST give it away to keep it. We must share our experience, strength and hope with others to keep our own sobriety.  AA is an organization of volunteers who step up to keep it alive for its primary purpose of helping the still suffering alcoholic find what has been so generously given to us. Add more service to the fellowship to your own list this year - your life will be all the richer for it.

In this nice fresh new year we can genuinely try to live one day at a time, making every effort in that one day to focus on becoming the person we know our Higher Power wants us to be. We then follow up on that goal by taking those actions that will allow us to blossom. 

And I'll close with the following lovely message sent to me this morning from my dear AA friend, Jeremy, In Ireland: 

"Good morning family. We are booked on flight 2023. 

 We are prepared to take off into the New Year. Please make sure your Positive Attitude & Gratitude are secure & locked in the upright position. 

All self-destructive devices; pity, anger, selfishness & resentment should be turned off at this time. All negativity, hurt & discouragement should be put away. Should  you lose your Positive Attitude under pressure during this flight, reach up & pull down a prayer. 

Prayers will automatically be activated by faith. Once your faith is activated, you can assist other passengers who are of little faith. 

There will Be No Baggage allowed on this flight.  God, our Captain, has cleared us for takeoff.... Destination -- GREATNESS!! 

 Wishing you & your families a New Year filled with new Hope, new Joy, & new BEGINNINGS!!  

  Stay blessed & welcome in 2023."