I am currently reposting all 100 previously posted blogs that contain what I've learned about staying sober. Because AA has continued to work for a drunk like me since 1981, I know it can work for you. And I can promise you'll have some real adventures along the way!

Keep Coming Back!

If you wish to contact me personally with your comments, my email is: o.kay.dockside@gmail.com

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We enter into a new world when we join AA. The sober world. A world that offers us sobriety, serenity and happiness. The only caution AA gives us is the reminder that alcohol is "cunning, baffling and powerful." If we take just one drink, we will go right back into that old drunken alcoholic world of conflict and misery. 

And, as we read in our AA literature: "Looking at the world through the bottom of a whiskey glass is no fun after you've become an alcoholic." 

Sunday, March 7, 2021

 Made a Decision …

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A Letter to a Struggling Newcomer

Dear _________:

Most people in their first year or two in AA find it can be exhilarating, exciting, challenging, and interesting. They meet new friends. They discover a life without having to hide in a bottle. Their families are proud of them again. They start to think about what they might be able to do in the rest of their life!

And then ... reality sets in!

"Is this it? Is this the rest of my life? No escape from meetings and not drinking?"

It can all start to look a bit daunting and even a bit boring. But underneath that is a lurking hint of: "Is it worth all this work?"

 Or, even worse, "am I - me - worth all this work?"

You, now at nine months sober, have reached that place where the rubber meets the road. (Statistically, more people slip at nine months than at any other time). You'll either dig in and gain traction or you are headed for the ditch. There is no middle ground. You are either all in - or you're setting yourself up to get out.

I hate to be so blunt, but I've seen it many times in my now many sober years, and I've also sponsored a lot of people who abandoned recovery because they were too afraid to get real.  

But you are NOT one of those people. I've seen your courage and I've seen your joy in the rooms. Trust me on this, you have only - barely - scratched the surface of everything AA has to offer you in the months and years ahead.

Don't ever give up before the miracle - miracles - happen! It's time to buckle down now and get to it. 

You were not in the book study group tonight. Why not? That's where the learning is.

How many zoom meetings are you getting to?

Are you getting to any zoom meetings in other countries? If yes - great! If not, why not? It's a fabulous opportunity to see AA working in the lives of people all over the world. 

Are you working with others? Are you through all 12 steps for the first time? If so, are you sponsoring anyone yet? If not, why not? That's the BEST way to learn what AA has to teach you about fun, joy and recovery - and so many other lessons that you can't even begin to fathom yet. 

Get busy. Read more. Dig deeper. As it says in the Big Book, you have just picked up a few gold nuggets scattered around a stream bed. You have to dig for the vein of gold called the Mother Lode. 

It's there ... so start digging.

I send you love and hugs and a big kick in the arse to get you moving and motivated again.

We need you, AA needs you, 

YOU need you. 

Sincerely, your friend in recovery,

OKay J.

 

Alcoholism insisted that I drink whether I wanted to or not. Drinking was the insanity that dominated my life and ruled over my making any healthy choices for myself. My life became unmanageable.

"In spite of the great increase in the size and the span of this Fellowship, at its core it remains simple and personal. Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope."
         Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxii

I began last week reposting all 100 previously posted blogs and the rest of them will be posted every Sunday following. Here below is the second one. These blogs contain what I've learned about staying sober. Because AA has continued to work for a drunk like me since 1981, I know it can work for you. I also know you will have a lot of fun along your sober way, because I certainly have!

Keep Coming Back!

If you wish to contact me personally with your comments, my email is: o.kay.dockside@gmail.com

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Sunday, February 28, 2021

Made a Decision

(2)

Nothing happens until we decide. When we make a decision our lives move forward.  

 I  recently sent these few suggestions that follow to a struggling sponsee on what to do on those days when our brains want to kill us - or at least to make us miserable.

ALL people in recovery from addictions have days like that, some of us more than others. 

Perhaps this list will be a help to you on your next "bad" day?  I hope so - that's why I'm sharing  it:

The List:

1.  Don't believe everything you think!

2.  Mask up and go for a good long walk - rain or shine. Or put on some music that moves your feet and then dance till you drop!

3.  Have you prayed about it? If not, do so. Ask to learn what has triggered you feeling wobbly and then ask for a solution, one that will work for you. Write down any thoughts that come to you. Share them with your sponsor or a trusted AA friend.

4.  Have you read - and then actually thought about what you've just read - from a book that offers a spiritual direction?

5. Have you looked to see where you might be with that AA adage - H.A.L.T.?   (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).

           Hungry - Have you had enough to eat?  If not. Eat now.

           Angry - Are you pissed off at anyone? If so, why? What can be done to fix it?

           Lonely - Have you called an AA friend or any loved one today? Do so. Your call might just make their day better - and yours.                                                                                         

           Tired - Are you well rested, did you sleep good? If not, take a nap - or go to bed early.

6.  Have you written out a gratitude list with at least 20 items on it? 

              (Yes, you can think of at least 20. Work on it!)

Examples: Is the sun out today? Can you see it? Is it raining? Can you feel it? Will nature benefit from that rain today? Do you have friends? Will you call one or more friend today? Do you live where there is pretty scenery? Are you able to mask up and go out for a walk to enjoy it?

 Is your health good? Give thanks. A lot of people are very ill today.

Do you like your family? Are your parents alive? Ask them about their childhoods. Ask them how they met. Ask them about the best thing that ever happened to them … or the scariest … or the most interesting. Ask them what they’d do over in their lives if they had the chance. Ask them the kinds of questions you’ll kick yourself for not asking after they’ve gone.

Have you laughed today? If not, why not? Laugh at yourself if nothing else shows up to give you a giggle.

And so on ...

7.  If you have a copy of the wonderful book  "Believing in Myself" get it out and read the July 4 entry again. 

8.  In that same book - or other spiritual daily reader - start writing down a list of the dates that really "speak" to you when you read them. Refer to those dates and read them again when you go all wobbly.

9.  Go take a nice hot shower or a long soaky hot bath with something in it that smells nice. Appreciate what a lovely experience that is.

10. Cut some flowers from the garden and fill a vase for them indoors.  Men may balk at this, but science has shown having cut flowers in the house lifts our spirits. Even artificial flowers do!

11. Consider learning a new skill. Write down what it will take to accomplish it: Buying a book on the subject? Finding a mentor? Taking a class? An online video? Then do it! Try it. If you find it doesn't light your fire after a few weeks, think about something else that might interest you instead. Repeat those initial steps with your new project. Keep doing this until you find something you find yourself passionate about - and then enjoy it forever.

12. Pursue something - anything - that interests you, from reading a good book, watching an upbeat movie, enjoying a jigsaw puzzle, dancing around the house, watching something on Telly that you know will make you laugh (QI, Mock the Week, Would I Lie to You, Stand Up Comic performances, etc.), learn how to cook Chinese food, Italian food, Mexican food, Indian food  - or just plain learn how to cook and bake  - then get the ingredients and go for it! 

13. Make a list of all these things you loved to do as a child. A dollhouse? Riding your bike? Fishing? Roller skating? Dancing? Reading? Drawing? Colouring? Try those things again. You will have outgrown some of them, but others will still speak to you as an adult. Enjoy your second childhood. I certainly do! 

13.  Write a letter to any person you are pleased to have in your life and tell them so and why. This can be a relative, a friend, a former teacher, a religious leader, someone in AA, even someone in the government. Mail it to them. Trust me - they will be thrilled and you’ll be happy with yourself, too.

14. Buy a box of gold stars and whenever you note in your diary something you did that took all your courage to do, award yourself a star. Then, when you have a wobbly day in future, flip back through the pages and read what happened every time you get to a star. You’ll feel better about yourself and your recovery in no time.

              Note: Any good sponsor will merely ask you some of the above questions (and others like them) if you call them when you’re feeling wobbly - and then they will make suggestions to help you based on your answers. Doing any one of the above can shift our perception from negative to positive.  We have "a disease of perception" after all!

And then, as we move forward in our recovery, we will start to ask ourselves those questions when we feel out of kilter and before things become worse. We then apply the ones that we think (or now already know) will help us get back on track.

                    That's how "working the program" works. It works - IF (and when) we work it.

 

Beginning today (Sunday, 16/4/23), I am posting Blog Number One once again. All 100 of the rest of them will be posted every Sunday following.

These blogs contain what I've learned about staying sober. (They were also quite brief in the beginning and got a lot meatier as time went on!)

Because AA has continued to work for a drunk like me for more than four decades, I know it can work for you.

I also know you will have a lot of fun along your sober way, because I certainly have!

Keep Coming Back!

If you wish to contact me personally with your comments, my email is: o.kay.dockside@gmail.com

Made A Decision:

(1)

Saturday, February 20, 2021 

          At the urging of friends I have finally decided to change my random blog to one mainly on the topic of recovery from addiction. 

(A few other pet topics may show up from time to time, however, because Digression is my middle name.) 

          Many of the things posted here will be on recurring themes taken from letters and emails I have sent to AA sponsees and friends over the years of my own recovery. My hope is they will be of help to you, too. 

Blog One follows: 

       Zoom Meetings - Some thoughts from an AA Oldtimer about online meetings (and other stuff) during Covid ...  

                    (O.Kay J. - Sobriety date September 11, 1981.) 

I am a 77-year-old No Tech who has attended in-person AA meetings for a few months shy of 40 years. So when Covid arrived and we had to switch to online meetings it was very hard for me. 

I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to do it. I would still rather meet in that familiar room with the steps, traditions and slogans on the wall and our cups of coffee or tea in hand. I miss my AA hugs. 

My dear old brother, Bob S. (sobriety date 3rd April 1981) feels the same. He struggles with the “new” (to us) technology even more than I do, but he gets to his Zoom meetings all the same.

 After all, what choice do we have? It is now either an online meeting or no meeting for all of us. We must now Zoom for our ongoing recovery or go it alone and risk the ever-lurking possibility of a relapse. 

My first sponsor told me alcoholism isn’t the only progressive, terminal, fatal illness out there, but it is the only one that doesn’t require some often horrific treatments like chemotherapy, or dialisis, or a daily shot of insulin (to name but a few). All I have to do to treat my disease is to get my ass to a meeting. 

With Zoom meetings being the only meetings on offer at the moment, then a Zoom meeting it must be. 

(Of course, in addition to our meetings, we have to continue working our program by applying the steps in our lives, helping others, reading AA literature, talking with our AA friends and sponsors, and getting through this strange Covid experience One Day at a Time.) 

But I admit it irks me more than a little bit when I hear virtual newcomers saying they “don’t like online meetings, “ and “they’re not the same,” and “I miss our real meetings,” and other whining to that effect. 

What’s worse, I hear those same remarks from people with long-term sobriety, too. They often stay away from online meetings and, by so doing, set a pretty lousy example for program youngsters. 

(Note from 2023 - some of those old timers who wouldn't go to zoom meetings are now drunk or dead from our disease, because we NEED our meetings to stay sober!)

But imagine if Covid had come along ten or 20 years ago, when cell phones and PCs weren’t part of our daily reality? Imagine being in lockdown with NO meetings available to us? Where’s our gratitude? 

How about being happy for: 

Being able to zoom into a meeting any hour of the day. 

Having gratitude for meeting new friends in recovery all over the world at the touch of a button. 

Or even (my personal favorite this winter) appreciate not having to leave the house on a cold wet night and navigate icy streets to get to a meeting. 

It’s so easy to forget we all, as our literature tells us, have “a disease of perception.” But we can choose to look for and perceive the benefits of any situation - including online meetings - rather than suck our thumbs and pout about “the good old days.”

 

Note: Today marks blog number 100.

I am pretty busy right now with house renovation and garden projects, along with writing two other books and - in future (possibly) - a podcast. 

So beginning next Sunday I will again post Blog Number one and the rest of them in numerical order on every Sunday following.

I hope you will enjoy reading the blogs again from the beginning. They contain what I know about staying sober. It is my hope they will in some small way encourage you to do the same. 

Made A Decision

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                          PASS IT ON

A.A. is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die. 

   Book: As Bill Sees It

We stay sober by giving our sobriety away to others. I was taught that in the early days of my recovery and I have done my best to "carry the message," one way or another, ever since. I was made afraid not to, because the old timers who were around when I got sober were very hard core about it. 

At that time AA's Responsibility Pledge was read at almost every meeting. It was the topic of many meetings, too. 

A good long-term-sobriety friend of mine recently told me he always gets a lump in his throat today whenever he hears it.

Me, too.

Here it is: 

I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there.

And for that: I am responsible.

Because there were so few women sober in my AA community in 1981 I was dragged along on every 12-step call involving a woman who reached out to AA. I'd get a call from a sober male member and be told to be ready at such and such a time so we could go talk in person to the woman who had called the AA hotline. 

I hated it, too, but no other options were given.

And now, all these years later, I'm grateful for those 12-step opportunities I was given. I got to see "our" disease in its latter stages up close and personal and I've never forgotten the heartbreak of it. Late stage alcoholics experience a fear, loneliness, self-loathing and bewilderment no one should have to suffer. 

The "hand of AA" can pull alcoholics out of that nightmare. We are obligated to reach out to them, just as those in AA reached out to us when we got here. They certainly did for me!

I, like so many newcomers, was a right royal pain in the ass when I arrived in AA. Angry, opinionated, stubborn, self-centred and arrogant were just a few of the adjectives then applicable to me. Group members and my sponsor put up with all of it, guiding me up the steps onto the pathway to a joyful sober life - and hanging onto me so I'd stay on it. 

I am grateful beyond words for each and every one of them.

And I try always to remember their patience with me when I lashed out at them.

As I did. A lot!

I was told to just "keep coming back," and then was given more service work to do so that I had to!

Bill W said: Honesty with ourselves and others gets us sober, but it is tolerance that keeps us that way. 

Our AA literature tells us over and over that we MUST give away our sobriety to the still suffering alcoholic to stay sober ourselves. Absolutely nothing can relieve our depression and self-centeredness as effectively as reaching out to another alcoholic. We help them and, in so doing, help ourselves. 

Doubt it? Try it!

Meetings are not eight hour sessions. Most of them are just one hour long. We can sit through an hour even when we're tired, or feeling unwellish, because our presence there is enough to encourage others. We don't even have to talk.

We go to our meetings whether we "feel" like going or not. We go to help the people in those meetings and, in so doing, we help ourselves. 

It's not all about us! Our first step in AA doesn't say "I" - it says "WE." 

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol!  

AA is a program for all of us. It takes a team effort to keep us all sober. All the prayer and meditation in the world will not help us unless they are accompanied by action.

Mary Z, my first sponsor, sponsored me into many service opportunities, including sponsoring others. She told me that once I had gone through all 12 steps with her I was better qualified to sponsor a newcomer than she was, because my memory of the nightmare drinking they were escaping was fresher than hers. 

 

So I sponsored others very early in my own recovery and some of those women are still sober today. I made mistakes of course, some sponsees drank again, some took advantage of me, I got frustrated, I worried, I felt inadequate, but I did it.

And I'm glad I did it, because - with practice - I got better at it. We all do. We learn by doing-the-doing, not by thinking! 

All of us have something to offer AA. Finding where our talents can best be used is part of our recovery. We don't do everything. Nor do we let ourselves cop resentments and burn out. But we do what we can, where we can, and we encourage others to do the same. 

Service work includes everything from unlocking the meeting room door to cleaning up afterwards. We chair, share, and hold office. In Zoom meetings we open early, greet arrivals and shut it down afterwards.

We hold positions outside of our home group, too, like hot-line phone service where we make ourselves available to answer queries on AA recovery.

Our home group can carry the message into treatment centers or prisons.

We can leave AA brochures and other AA information in places like our doctor's office, the local coffee shop, or in a neighbor's mailbox.

Active members of AA help others get to meetings, call and check on people, send emails offering AA messages, and in general take time to encourage one another. 

Doing all the above helps us to stay sober while we ourselves are learning to become better people. 

Sober living is an adventure which, compared to our grim and lonely drinking years, offers us friendship, excitement, joy and purpose.

Our Big Book describes it like this:

Life will take on a new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends - this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.

Not being active in AA puts our sobriety at risk. 

As Mel B., a member in the states, said:  Recovering from alcoholism is like getting a gunshot wound. You can recover from it, but it does NOT make you bulletproof.

We're never bulletproof, but we can armour ourselves by extending the hand of AA where needed. Service work is not hard duty, it is the doorway to happiness.

Recovery allows us the opportunity to gain spiritual understanding at our own sober pace. The learning is never over. Every sober day is brand new and there's no need to rush our One Day at a Time journey. 

Or, as I like to call it - SLOW-briety.

 

Made A Decision

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                                                    This and That about Recovery

Following a meeting in June of 1998 a woman chased after me to my car to hand me a little book. 
"Here," she said. "You NEED this book. This is my copy and I want it back, but keep it until you get a copy for yourself."

I sat there in my car in the AA clubhouse parking lot and thumbed through the pages. I then drove to Shaver's bookstore in downtown Savannah and ordered a copy for myself. The following day I returned the loaned copy to its owner.

 The book is a daily reader and I've read it every day, every year, since that time. I give copies of the book to my sponsees and to many others besides. Used copies are available online at very reasonable prices and it is impossible for me to recommend it highly enough. It is a life changer. And I know this because it changed mine. 

The book is called Believing In Myself. It was written by Earnie Larsen and Carol Hegarty.

 I truly believe everyone in recovery should have a copy.

Moving on:

Not all of our friendships in recovery are with members of AA. We sometimes make good friends in unlikely places, as is the case with my brother, Robert, who this week on April 3rd will celebrate 42 years of sobriety.

 Rob is currently enjoying a creative writing class and recently was given the assignment: "What’s one thing that cheers you up when your down in the dumps?" His response was to bring back into print a friend he had written about in an earlier assignment, a character that delighted everyone. 

Here's what he wrote:

I have tried with some success not to get down in the dumps by using the acronym H.A.L.T.  These initials remind me to not let myself get too HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY or TIRED.  By taking positive action on one or more of these keywords when I'm feeling out of sorts, I can usually identify the cause and get myself back on a more even keel.

Recognizing and tending to my appropriate need (or needs) can quickly change my mood from positive to negative. 

My worst-case bad mood scenario is when I awake in the middle of the night. Then, like an alarm clock, my mind turns on and sends me the message: “You've got mail”.  

Until I can blessedly fall back to sleep this brings up unrecorded time lying on my back staring into the darkness while I try to solve unsolvable situations concerning past, or future, thought and actions.  Time spent not necessarily putting me in the dumps - but exhaustively frustrating. 

But my greatest asset - one that constantly cheers me up - is our permanent boarder, friend and family member, Hop-A-Long, a grasshopper blessed with a permanent fixed-in-place happy personality. Hop-A-Long can't help but put me in a better mood if I feel down in the dumps about any real or imagined problems.  

Due to the fact that my six-legged-friend gets up earlier than me, and being inwardly attuned to others' moods, he can tell if I'm out of sorts just by the way I walk down the short hallway to the kitchen. Hearing the sound of heavy-footed shuffling of my feet, rather than my walking lightly in step, he has already anticipated my mood and by the time I get to the table he has poured me a cup of coffee. It's a technique guaranteed to help start my day in a more cheerful manner.  

 Once I settle down with my coffee, if I then unknowingly give even a hint of leftover grumpy, he will remind me - by handing me a small notepad and a pen - to make a short list of things that I am grateful for today.  Friends, family, health, etc., etc.  Making a "gratitude list" (as he calls it) is always a good reminder of plusses rather than self-imposed negatives in my life.  The more I write about things to be grateful for, the faster all bad thoughts seem to just melt away.  It's a much better way to start the day.  

My small friend's guidance back to gratitude reminds me how important our friends are to help us through all the good, bad and sometimes even ugly things that happen in our lives over which we have little or no control.  I am glad to have my insect friend, whom I have also come to believe is much wiser and certainly smarter than me, because beside speaking grasshopper and English, he is also fluent in Italian. 

He loves to sing passages from Italian opera in his small but powerful baritone voice and often spontaneously (and happily) breaks into song, which always cheers me. 

 I feel privileged that Hop-A-Long has my back and unquestionably gives me his unconditional love through his seemingly unlimited ways and means of cheering me up.  Heck, more than once in the past, he has even gone so far as to do accurate impersonations of my actions and mannerism, complete with my midwest nasal tone of voice.  But he always does so with emphasis on parodying my lows with comedy, making me laugh at my follies. What more can one ask for to get out of a funk? 

So, today, why not think about that special friend you have that brings joy into your life? It's a sure way to get yourself thinking about only good life thoughts. Y'all have a good day now!    

         

As you can tell from my brother's story, this post today is - in part - an April Fool post. 

                                                          So April Fools' Day everyone!!!

 (Even so, Robert's story contains a lot of good solid recovery advice for all those able to read between the lines!)

           Finally today, our Big Book tells us we alcoholics are physically allergic to alcohol, along with having a mental compulsion to continue drinking when we ingest it in any form. That's truly all we need to know about the drug ethanol to inspire us to keep sober.

But I'm an information junky by nature and can't resist attaching the following clip for those like me who always want to know "the rest of the story." It is a very scientific, serious, detailed and lengthy video (no April Fool's Day clip this) of the effects of alcohol on the human body. 

Watching it start to finish offers us a lot of information on why staying clean and sober is a very good idea for us all. Knowledge is power! 

Here it is:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkS1pkKpILY