To comment on this blog please contact me at o.kay.dockside@gmail.com

Made A Decision

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                            The Dubious Luxury of Normal Folks 

Alcoholics are skilled in the art of resentment. We drunks know how to nurse grudges, stoke envy, harbor bitter thoughts, and also how to thoroughly enjoy being restless, irritable and discontented. 

We do these things in sobriety because they are familiar. It's always easier to fall back into old behavior than it is to embrace change. Lasting sobriety, however, requires us to back away from old bad behaviors. It says so all through our AA literature, including this passage from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions:

In A.A. we slowly learned that something had to be done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and unwarranted pride. We had to see that every time we played the big shot, we turned people against us. 

We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.

Our Big Book (page 64) states: 

Resentment is the Number One offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else."

Destroys!!!  No words being minced here. 

When we hold onto our resentments we are in danger of returning to drinking. We are told this over and over by our sponsors and friends in recovery. Dealing with resentment is often the topic of AA meetings where we hear great truths from AA members in sayings like:

Resentment is like acid, eating away at the vessel it is stored in.

 "Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die." (Sent to me by my friend Dave M).

And then there's this one, for men only:  When a mosquito lands on your testicles there will be resentment at its choice for a landing field, but you will immediately learn to resolve resentments without resorting to anger or violence.

 Have you ever seen a drunk in the blink of an eye cop a resentment over another's behavior, switching instantly from happy drunk to angry drunk? It's a drunk's superpower and it's one we don't give up easily in recovery.

Drunk hangovers made us feel physically terrible. Sober drunks have emotional hangovers brought on by resentments and other negative emotions. 

When we give in to rage, or jealousy or fear - or when we wallow in resentments - we are going to feel like crap afterwards. Guaranteed.

So what actually does it mean to have and hold onto a resentment? It means we have intensely negative feelings about someone or something (usually someone) that we can't let go of and we replay our grievance over and over in our minds (often at 3 a.m.). 

We get a resentment when we think we've somehow been wronged. That then triggers feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness and depression. None of these feelings are helpful for staying sober.

Or we may think someone else doesn't deserve the wonderful wealthy life they have while we are living a paycheck-to-paycheck existence. We see them as happy every moment of their perfect lives and ourselves as just struggling to get by. Neither viewpoint is correct. It's called envy and it leads to unreasonable resentments. 

Newly sober alcoholics also have notoriously thin skin. We take offence easily and can often nurse a resentment against someone who is completely unaware of our hurt feelings, usually someone who never intended to hurt our feelings in the first place. 

We let them rent that angry space in our heads, torturing ourselves with bad feelings while they go blissfully on with their lives. 

Who is our resentment hurting here? Them? 

 But what about those people who knowingly have hurt us? Those who betrayed us? Insulted us? Gossiped about us? 

We have all probably experienced these kinds of things, but instead of being resentful we can ease these people out of our lives (yes, even family members) while remembering they wouldn't do these things were they not themselves sick and troubled people. Send them a prayer - and move on.

In our world-wide polarized political climate it is all too easy to join in the game of "them vs us." Biased reporting by television networks fuel political resentments and social media gives us all a platform on which to vent. A very little of this goes a long way and diplomacy on our part is called for. We are not expected to allow others to harm us, but we alcoholics can't afford to let ourselves get played by the process. 

Also, when we resent those who have more than us in life, we need to stop immediately and ask ourselves why? Do we have housing? Food? Are our bills paid? Do we have friends? Family? Sobriety? Surely sobriety has given us most of these? How much is enough? Where's our gratitude?

Quality living is not about fame or having lots of stuff, it's about enjoying what we do have and being grateful for it. Let us never forget those high profile "celebrities" who seemingly have "everything" and yet suddenly shock the world with their suicides. 

We cannot know the pain another person is in and holding a resentment against anyone just adds to their pain, overtly or covertly. It hurts us, too. It hardens us. It walls us off from compassion. Learning to pray for those who bother us in any way is a huge step toward self-improvement and self-care. It helps keep us sober, too. 

(My prayers were once made through gritted teeth and were of the "please let them get what they deserve" variety, but that doesn't matter. We learn to pray for others via that process and eventually come to mean it.)

So the next time we find ourselves giving head space to a resentment the best thing we can do is talk it over with our sponsor, our AA friends, and then share it (without naming names) in our home group. Sharing a problem halves a problem right away. We'll also get a ton of good advice on how to let that resentment go.

 

 

Made a Decision

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                              The Spirit of Rebellion

"I'm too tired to go to a meeting tonight."

"I don't think I actually need to do a Fifth Step. My Fourth Step showed me everything I need to work on."

"I've prayed and prayed and nothing has changed. I'm sick of this."

"All this working on ourselves is stupid. I'm sober. I'm fine just the way I am, thanks."

"My home group is full of a bunch of gossips. AA is just like every other group of people. Full of hypocrites ... I'm out of here."

 Any of the above sound familiar? They do to me. I've thought them all at one time or another in my time in recovery, and many more thoughts like them. 

So did AA's Co-founder, Bill W. Here's what he wrote about it:

All of us pass through the times when we can pray only with the greatest exertion. Occasionally we go even further than this. We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won’t pray. 

 When these things happen, we should not think too ill of ourselves.  We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.

The "Spirit of Rebellion" often shows up for many of us at the nine-month sober mark. (Statistically more people leave AA at nine months than at any other time in recovery.) It also isn't uncommon to experience it in the three to five year stage of our recovery. My own twisted spirit gave me a very rough time during my ninth year.

 The fact is this rebellion can show up at any time in our sober lives, because while recovery truly is simple, it isn't always easy.

I find it very interesting that the dictionary defines "spirit" in a couple of ways: First as "the non-physical part of a person which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul."

And second as: "a strong distilled liquor such as brandy, whiskey, gin, or rum."

Our challenge was, is, and always will be - which spirit will win out? 

Which spirit will we nourish?

Our soul?

Or that spirit of rebellion that leads back to bottled spirits?

It isn't easy to shake off that feeling of "what's the use" when the rebellious spirit takes us over. We can so easily fall back into whining about how hard it all is, that we deserve better, to waste time being angry at being an alcoholic instead of being grateful to have a daily release from our chronic terminal illness.

I've been there. I've felt that petty anger and the desire to run away from doing the work of recovery. It's a very unfun place to be. So what's the cure? How do we send the Spirit of Rebellion packing once again?

 First we must learn, while the spirit of rebellion can show up anytime, it will also just as suddenly depart - as long as we hang in there doing the doing of recovery. We won't want to, of course. We won't feel like it. But consider the alternative.

Once we stop dwelling on poor little us, and start to dwell for a time on how awful our drinking life had become before we found AA, we can then become ready to return to the AA basics. 

The Basics: 

(1) We contact a fellow member or our sponsor and talk about how we are feeling. They will inevitably suggest we go to a meeting. Once there, exposed to our "medicine" once again, the rest of the doing becomes easier.

(2) To rid ourselves of rebellion we go to meetings every single day, whether we want to or not. If we need to fit a meeting into our very busy schedules we attend some AA Zoom meetings (available around the world now 24/7.)

(3) We reach out to help other recovering alcoholics, even if it's just with a phone call to see how they're doing. 

We talk with our sponsors and we tell them the truth.

(4) We also consider if we are getting enough daily nutrition and rest. Are we holding onto any resentments? Have we been isolating? These are the ingredients that lead to us being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. So we H.A.L.T. them.

Recovery isn't a one time event. It's a series of daily actions that - over time - develop into a new pattern for living and thinking. Our every action follows a thought, so our thoughts are the force that creates our lives.

When our thoughts become shitty, it's past time to sit down and make a gratitude list - starting with our not having a horrible hangover today.

(Remember them? The sweating? The dehydration? The puking? Good times!)

Drinking alcoholics want their own way. They don't consider the needs of others. Giving up bottled spirits means turning our back on many worldly pursuits and focusing on helping others. Doing so moves us forward on our spiritual path of recovery. Is it worth it? Those who continue to trudge the trudge certainly believe so. 

And when we kick the Spirit of Rebellion to the curb (once again), we will find we have a better grasp and respect for what recovery is all about. All we have to do is hang in there during our rebellious times - by our fingertips if necessary - and our next miracle will ultimately arrive.

The world is full of people striving to stack up money, achieve fame and celebrity, win medals and trophies, gain power over others. We must learn to ask ourselves if any of these things bring lasting peace. Do they foster joy? Do they lift the heart? Do they bring with them serenity?

Remember AA's old saying, "Poor Me. Poor Me. Pour me a drink." That remembering alone will push us back toward sanity. That's when it's time to dive into some step work. (In my case it's almost always Steps Six, Seven and Eleven.)

That's the time to pray more deeply for acceptance, while trusting this process will see us safely back into the sunshine of the spirit once again.

To comment on this blog please email:

o.kay.dockside@gmail.com

Made a Decision

(92)

                               We've Found Our Herd

I am not a joiner. I've never been a groupie. I'm by nature a loner and still enjoy mainly solitary pursuits. But, as I heard in a meeting long ago, "When I got to AA I found my herd."

There is a huge difference between isolation and being solitary, but to stay sober we need to embrace the full support of our AA fellowship. Here are the people who think like we do, feel like we do, and understand the world as we do. Together we can achieve the sobriety we were never able to do on our own.

Enjoying solitary pursuits does not equal being lonely, but a drinking life - particularly as we reach the latter stages of our chronic, terminal illness - is a lonely life indeed. Drinking cuts us off from society, and it cuts us off from any kind of spiritual connection (other than that found on the dark side). In the final months of my own drinking I often held long one-sided conversations with people who weren't even there! 

As our Big Book puts it: 

There is no more 'aloneness,' with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing, before, could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again. 

Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom.

AA also gave me the ability to embrace friendship by giving me the best friends I've ever had. Probably the first things I noticed at my very first AA meeting was the friendliness, the laughter, and being welcomed. That first taste made me greedy for more and I've never been willing to leave. Good things can be addictive, too!

 I accept today - fully - that I am forever powerless over alcohol. I know that if I drink again I will die. Once that knowledge - and acceptance - takes hold of any alcoholics, the work and joy of recovery truly begins. Thankfully AA provides us with great companions - every step of the way. 

As the lovely little book "Just for Today" states: The most unlikely people form friendships, sponsor each other, and do service work together. We meet in the rooms of recovery together, sharing the bonds of past suffering and hope for the future. We meet on mutual ground with our focus on the two things we all have in common—addiction and recovery. 

Since alcohol is an equal opportunity destroyer, AA offers us a cross section of all humankind. But we are all recovering alcoholics and that's the most important part of our AA resume.'

I've sat in meetings with Blacks, Whites, Native Americans, Asians and people from many different nations. Also homosexuals, hetrosexuals, and every other sexual group now identified, plus with church leaders, atheists, every age group and representatives from possibly every profession. 

I'm grateful for every single one of them! 

From the boring, I've learned patience. From the outrageous, I've learned tolerance. From the pushy, I've learned restraint. From the unteachable, I've learned acceptance. And from the AA "winners," I've learned pretty much everything I've needed to know about living a happy sober life.

AA's winners - the ones it's suggested we stick with - are easy to spot. They respect the program and each other, they laugh and smile a lot, they are active in AA service and they have many interesting pursuits outside of AA.

AA's winners face difficult life challenges with humor and courage. And they absolutely insist on having a great life, which they achieve by having learned in recovery who they are, what they enjoy, and how to create that reality for themselves. 

AA gives us a faith and philosophy to live by and it gives us real, loyal and wonderful friends to laugh with - and sometimes cry with - in any situation. All of us learn in AA that our greatest joy comes in helping others, not only to stay sober, but in any other way called for.

We - even the introverts among us - become groupies when it comes to our Home Group. We soon learn most people cannot recover from alcoholism without a group. We learn our involvement is what keeps our group thriving, and if our group doesn't survive we may not survive, either. 

As our very first tradition states: 

Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.

 

Finally, AA gives us a relationship with our Higher Power that many of us come to embrace as a friendship. My Best Friend, this God of My Understanding, supplies me with the strength and courage to stay sober no matter what. 

I didn't know that at first. I didn't believe it at first. But over time I have come to rely on that Friend to guide me in all my daily activities. I feel His approval when I reach out to help another, I feel His delight when I delight in the world He has given us, and I hear His voice in the conversations and shares of my AA friends.

I remain amazed at the many ways my Higher Power is revealed in my life, from gifts of awe inspiring magnitude to tremendous insights delivered all wrapped up in laughter.

 Without this higher friendship, underpinned and supported by His agents in recovery, we can very easily give up on our sober journey. But, because of all the AA friendships available to us, we can be lifted over life’s hurdles time and time again.

Go call an AA friend today!