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Made a Decision

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                              The Spirit of Rebellion

"I'm too tired to go to a meeting tonight."

"I don't think I actually need to do a Fifth Step. My Fourth Step showed me everything I need to work on."

"I've prayed and prayed and nothing has changed. I'm sick of this."

"All this working on ourselves is stupid. I'm sober. I'm fine just the way I am, thanks."

"My home group is full of a bunch of gossips. AA is just like every other group of people. Full of hypocrites ... I'm out of here."

 Any of the above sound familiar? They do to me. I've thought them all at one time or another in my time in recovery, and many more thoughts like them. 

So did AA's Co-founder, Bill W. Here's what he wrote about it:

All of us pass through the times when we can pray only with the greatest exertion. Occasionally we go even further than this. We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won’t pray. 

 When these things happen, we should not think too ill of ourselves.  We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.

The "Spirit of Rebellion" often shows up for many of us at the nine-month sober mark. (Statistically more people leave AA at nine months than at any other time in recovery.) It also isn't uncommon to experience it in the three to five year stage of our recovery. My own twisted spirit gave me a very rough time during my ninth year.

 The fact is this rebellion can show up at any time in our sober lives, because while recovery truly is simple, it isn't always easy.

I find it very interesting that the dictionary defines "spirit" in a couple of ways: First as "the non-physical part of a person which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul."

And second as: "a strong distilled liquor such as brandy, whiskey, gin, or rum."

Our challenge was, is, and always will be - which spirit will win out? 

Which spirit will we nourish?

Our soul?

Or that spirit of rebellion that leads back to bottled spirits?

It isn't easy to shake off that feeling of "what's the use" when the rebellious spirit takes us over. We can so easily fall back into whining about how hard it all is, that we deserve better, to waste time being angry at being an alcoholic instead of being grateful to have a daily release from our chronic terminal illness.

I've been there. I've felt that petty anger and the desire to run away from doing the work of recovery. It's a very unfun place to be. So what's the cure? How do we send the Spirit of Rebellion packing once again?

 First we must learn, while the spirit of rebellion can show up anytime, it will also just as suddenly depart - as long as we hang in there doing the doing of recovery. We won't want to, of course. We won't feel like it. But consider the alternative.

Once we stop dwelling on poor little us, and start to dwell for a time on how awful our drinking life had become before we found AA, we can then become ready to return to the AA basics. 

The Basics: 

(1) We contact a fellow member or our sponsor and talk about how we are feeling. They will inevitably suggest we go to a meeting. Once there, exposed to our "medicine" once again, the rest of the doing becomes easier.

(2) To rid ourselves of rebellion we go to meetings every single day, whether we want to or not. If we need to fit a meeting into our very busy schedules we attend some AA Zoom meetings (available around the world now 24/7.)

(3) We reach out to help other recovering alcoholics, even if it's just with a phone call to see how they're doing. 

We talk with our sponsors and we tell them the truth.

(4) We also consider if we are getting enough daily nutrition and rest. Are we holding onto any resentments? Have we been isolating? These are the ingredients that lead to us being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. So we H.A.L.T. them.

Recovery isn't a one time event. It's a series of daily actions that - over time - develop into a new pattern for living and thinking. Our every action follows a thought, so our thoughts are the force that creates our lives.

When our thoughts become shitty, it's past time to sit down and make a gratitude list - starting with our not having a horrible hangover today.

(Remember them? The sweating? The dehydration? The puking? Good times!)

Drinking alcoholics want their own way. They don't consider the needs of others. Giving up bottled spirits means turning our back on many worldly pursuits and focusing on helping others. Doing so moves us forward on our spiritual path of recovery. Is it worth it? Those who continue to trudge the trudge certainly believe so. 

And when we kick the Spirit of Rebellion to the curb (once again), we will find we have a better grasp and respect for what recovery is all about. All we have to do is hang in there during our rebellious times - by our fingertips if necessary - and our next miracle will ultimately arrive.

The world is full of people striving to stack up money, achieve fame and celebrity, win medals and trophies, gain power over others. We must learn to ask ourselves if any of these things bring lasting peace. Do they foster joy? Do they lift the heart? Do they bring with them serenity?

Remember AA's old saying, "Poor Me. Poor Me. Pour me a drink." That remembering alone will push us back toward sanity. That's when it's time to dive into some step work. (In my case it's almost always Steps Six, Seven and Eleven.)

That's the time to pray more deeply for acceptance, while trusting this process will see us safely back into the sunshine of the spirit once again.