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Made a Decision

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                     Our Best Thinking

I was shaken to my core at a long-ago meeting when I heard someone say: "I used to think I was smart until I realised my best thinking got me HERE."

That speaker sure gave ME something to think about - then - and ever since that meeting!

At that time I, too, thought myself to be quite a good little thinker. After all, I had a good job and also an alert brain that never shut down ... 

or shut up. 

(The kind of brain, I've since learned, that's common to most alcoholics.)

Along with pondering and questioning the need for doing all those steps, that "God thing" everyone in AA nattered on about also became a perfect topic to spin my brainy wheels on, over and over again. 

"What is God? 

Is God male or female, or neither? 

Was Jesus God? 

Was Buddha God? 

Who was God? 

What was God?

Should I become Wiccan?

Wiccans are off the wall. 

But it's a Nature religion.

I love Nature.

Maybe I could become a Quaker?

Is there a God at all? 

Why should I trust it if there is? 

Where was God when (pick a nasty incident) happened to me?

Why can't I hear or see God ... etc."

That beat went on in my head, ad infinitum, for a very, very long stretch of time in my early "daze" in recovery.

Our late-stage alcoholic AA founders knew who they were dealing with when they offered us a God of our own understanding, but even that open-ended kind of God remains a challenge for many of us.

But the fact is - believe this or not - it doesn't matter! 

All we are asked to do in AA is acknowledge there is a power out there bigger than we are, something that designed the Universe, created our planet, and then DNA'd elephants, mosquitoes, humans and everything else to put on it.

Once we can accept we're not THAT Power, and get on with Step Two, followed by the rest of the steps, we're well launched along our sober path. 

A God of our own understanding can then be discovered during our travels.

Or not, as is the case with our many members who remain agnostic or atheist, but who nevertheless have at some point acknowledged Life is not all about them! 

There is no doubt the chairs of AA are filled with some very bright people, but even the most brilliant minds have no defence against the disease of alcoholism. We can't think our way sober. 

Intelligence, after all, is merely one of nature's gifts, along with artistic talent, musical ability, athletic prowess, and so many more. 

We can be grateful for any such gifts, and we can develop them to the best of our ability, but we didn't create them.

 (It helps us become a bit more humble when we come to realise and then accept that.)

Having a clever brain doesn't make us any better than anyone else. Worse, it can be a real handicap in getting and staying sober.

  

I can think of - and so can you - dozens of very intelligent writers, actors, comedians and other vastly talented people, from musicians to politicians, who have died drunk from our disease. 

"Too smart for their own good," as the old saying goes.

Neither a high IQ, university degree (or multiples thereof), mathematical agility, scientific knowledge, or any other intellectual achievement will restore us to sanity and give us sobriety. 

It takes a Power greater than ourselves to get that job done, even if the Power we acknowledge is just the power of sobriety found within our own AA group. 

Far better to relax and go with the flow. Everything we need to know about our Higher Power will be revealed as we trudge our sober path.

Like any relationship, the one I have with my Higher Power has grown and changed as I have learned more along my spiritual journey. The God of my understanding today bears little resemblance to the ones I've tried on - and discarded - over the years. 

It took time in AA to find a God that fit me, but I wouldn't trade my discovery for your God - or anyone else's God (or non-God) either. 

I will always marvel at the infinite patience of members in my first AA group, people I viewed from my then-lofty perch as being a little too friendly and pretty naive, though I considered them nice enough people. 

The one thing many of them had that I hadn't been able to achieve however (with all my supposed smarts), was long-term sobriety. 

So, even though I thought I had little in common with most of them, I stayed to discover for myself just how they had achieved that sobriety trick.

By staying I got to know, and then slowly to admire many of them. I was told to "stick with the winners," and I did. I formed friendships within their ranks. I saw first-hand how their use of AA's teachings gave them an easier path through life. 

I wanted what they had and they told me to stick around still longer and I could have it all - and more besides. They were right, along with that special bonus of not having had to take a drink or use a mind-altering chemical since.

I arrived in AA as an impatient angry drunk. I'm no longer angry and I no longer drink, but patience still isn't my strong suit. 

I can still get anxious over unimportant things, too (mainly involving computers), but the difference is, with HP's help, I now live a life where anxiety has to work to find a way in. 

I know for sure that my own level of serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance of my own powerlessness in any situation. And if a situation isn't working for me, I can take steps to change it.

Simply put, the Higher Power we find in A.A. works. And - as is often said in the Southern United States - "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

 

I would add to that wisdom by saying - "and don't overthink it!"