Made A Decision

Peace with self is the treasure beyond measure.

 

                                      Balance

 

My definition of balance is being able to obsess equally in all areas of my life.

 

I read that above quote recently and, while it made me chuckle, it also felt waaaaay too close to the mark. Because the need to create a balanced life has been the one big challenging recurring theme of my entire time in recovery.

 

My Higher Power clued me it would be so during my very first sober year, because the word "balance" was everywhere.

If I turned on the radio, I'd find a lecture about "living in a more BALANCED way."

If I sat on the toilet there would be a box of detergent nearby bearing words printed in big bold letters: "For a BALANCED washing ..."

A television program offered, "... watch in amazement as this man BALANCES on the thin wire between these skyscrapers ..." 

A bank statement gave notice of a new and easy way to BALANCE my account …

And so on.

Fuzzy as my head was that first year, even I couldn't miss my HP’s message saying I needed more BALANCE in my life.

 

So, what does a balanced life look like?

It looks calm, centered and comfortable. It shows up when we use A.A.’s tool kit to develop our spiritual, physical and mental health and eventually even adopting habits associated with healthy living, like eating well, exercising (preferably out in the open air) and getting enough sleep.

 

We use ALL the tools of recovery - from step work to book study groups - to develop and keep our balance.

Avoiding the busy-ness of ALWAYS doing too much is one component.

Remembering the A.A. advice to H.A.L.T. - not allowing ourselves to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired - is another.

 

Alcoholics are too often excitement junkies, creating or seeking stress to boost our built-in drug, adrenaline. We use caffeine the same way. Achieving serenity isn't easily done when we're all jazzed up on either.

 

Balance can be achieved, and is worth the effort, but it remains subject to change as our conditions change. We are now - and always - (like that high-wire walker between buildings) in need of staying balanced (despite sudden gusts of wind).

Let's say our A.A. life has restored our family to us, and we again have a good job, along with a strong support system in our A.A. friends. We have regained respect in our community. All is good!

But then … we are diagnosed with a medical problem; our child overdoses on drugs; we learn a friend has gossiped about us; our company goes bust; our job gone; divorce papers arrive … What then?

How do we retain balance through these kinds of situations?

 

First, we check in with the Boss, the Top Guy, Amazing Grace, God, YANA (You Are Not Alone), or whatever we chose to call our Higher Power. We can complain there for a bit (God can take it) before surrendering the problem to our HP by asking for help.

We talk with our sponsor and our known-to-be-trustworthy A.A. friends. We'll step up our number of meetings and will talk there - honestly - about what's going on with us.

We may whine for a bit to God, and our friends, but then must get off the pity pot before it becomes our permanent habitat.

Besides (after using all our A.A. tools), we're ready to face whatever facts must be faced - and dealt with - about our changed situation.

That's our A.A. solution for every single life problem we will encounter in recovery. That's how we learn to live life on life's terms ... or ... as I prefer to think of it, live life on God's terms.

 

Fast forward now, one sober day at a time, when suddenly - to our amazement - old age arrives with a whole new set of adjustments to be made. We suddenly find ourselves unable to do daily tasks formerly so easy we never gave them a thought.

Finding our balance in the strange (and often hilarious) new world of hard-of-hearing, hard to remember, hard to get up from a chair, hard to walk very far, hard to even sweep the floor ... takes a lot of new adjustments.

(Seeing that Old Woman in the mirror where I’m supposed to see me takes even more!)

 Finding the balance - when losing it can mean a broken hip - takes a good bit of getting used to!

It's also hard to know how much of our "hand of A.A." is still required of us. How much should now be handed off to younger members, so they can also gain every benefit from our wonderful program that we have?

 

Re-evaluating one's life while busy living it is never easy, but it's always necessary when we feel ourselves getting out of balance once again.

I've spent a lot of time in prayer and thought (and conversation with trusted friends) about this old age balancing act this week. I've decided it’s time to step back from a lot of my A.A. commitments to finish organizing my many weekly blogs into a book. 

 This feels like my best way for giving back to our program now, and just making that decision - and writing it down here - has already made me feel more balanced.

            My work now - as always - will be to keep me that way!

 

 

Co-dependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.

 

                    Alcoholism and Codependency  

                                                   

Feelings of guilt, pity, and obligation are to the codependent what the first drink is to the alcoholic. Beware of what happens next!

 - Melodie Beatte, author

 

What? Why are we not talking about alcohol?

What does codependency have to do with drinking or not drinking?

 Quite a lot, actually, at least for many of us, along with all the other addictions we can easily slide into after putting the plug in the jug. Things like overeating, overspending, over-lusting, and just plain over-doing in general.

 But we usually don't slide into codependent behaviors for the very first time when we get to A.A. - the codependents among us arrive with them fully in place.

(Codependents in AlAnon arrive wearing merit badges for these behaviors).

 And the difference is, all our newly-adopted over-the-top behaviors will fade away as we learn, over time, to rely more-and-more on surrendering them to our Higher Power. (And then leaving them there.) But codependency is truly in a class by itself and deserves a closer look.

Some, but not all, recovering alcoholics/addicts eventually discover

codependency is one of their key underlying issues, when their relationships and even friendships bring more pain than joy.

That's because built and shame are built into codependency just as they are built into substance abuse.

 Many of us also grew up in homes that revolved around codependent relationships, so we had modeled for us “this is what a relationship looks like.”

Recovering from codependency can be hard work. It requires our full attention and commitment, but it's worth it because it can take us to a more fulfilled and joyful life.

 There's also the fact (and motivator) that codependency, just like alcoholism, can also be a killer. It is at the root of many suicides.

 I made the discovery I was a raging codependent in my ninth year of sobriety. Up until then I had been sailing along, happily sober, sponsoring other women and active in other kinds of service work.

Only gradually did I notice women I sponsored were becoming healthy enough to enjoy supportive and loving relationships. Many of them married, had children, moved on with their lives ... I hadn't.

Then one night, while waiting for a meeting to begin in a treatment center where my group had gone to carry the A.A. message, I glanced at a pinned-up notice on a cork board. It was the "laundry list" test outlining codependent behaviors. I was amazed to find that, just like in those written tests that confirmed my alcoholism, I passed the codependent test with flying colors, too.

I brought the matter up with my sponsor.

She told me I was very codependent, but she hadn't yet confronted me with it yet because I was sober and seemed happy.

And I was happy.

But I was also lonely.

Alcoholics know a lot about feeling lonely.

In the words of Bill W.:

Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.

 In those days I still hoped for a loving relationship, but was afraid to become involved with anyone. I had already painfully learned getting out of any relationship was nearly impossible for me.

That's a classic codependent symptom for some of us, by the way.

One of many.

Here are some others:

People pleasing; lack of boundaries; poor self-esteem; caretaking; reactivity; poor communication; lacking a positive self-image; difficulty making decisions in a relationship; difficulty identifying our feelings; valuing the approval of others more than our own, lack of self-trust …  and that's just for starters.

 Codependent givers and takers have a lot in common, but their differences make for unhealthy - even toxic - relationships, ones that can lead to desperation, depression, despair, abuse, violence and even death - homicidal or suicidal.

A codependent person tends to give continuously to a narcissistic partner who

takes. They're both codependent, just flip sides of the same coin. They can also, in a different relationship, occasionally play the reverse role.  (I know this because I’ve done this!)

 Blackouts are one symptom of alcoholism common to many, but not all, alcoholics. And domestic violence is one symptom of codependency. Not all codependents get caught up in the hell of domestic violence, but many, many do.

 Codependents don't all grow up with alcoholic parents, either, but they also don't grow up in healthy and nurturing conditions. Codependency is pretty much always rooted in adverse childhood experiences.

 Those who do grow up in an alcoholic home are exposed to a full slate of negative conditions. Here, while very young, they learn to neglect their own needs for the sake of their parents' needs and demands.

 

To survive a traumatic upbringing children become shape changers, able to immediately take the temperature of any emotional atmosphere and adapt to whatever is found. (We never lose that superpower, either. I still have it.)

 

Growing up this way, having no one listen to us, or otherwise affirm us, leaves us feeling isolated and emotionally abandoned. AKA - Lonely!

 When we grow up with one or both parents being alcoholic, we're probably going to have at least a few codependent issues surface when we establish homes of our own. This is particularly true for those of us destined to become alcoholics ourselves.

As adults, we see others having safe intimate relationships and we long for that same experience. But our attempts at relationships devolve rapidly.

 Because our needs are so great, we settle for crumbs instead of seeking a banquet. We try again and again to get blood from stones with no success, and it’s not even because our stone doesn’t want to give it. Stones just have no blood to give!

  Into our relationships we carry a sense of shame, along with fear, that renders us unable to share who we really are. We often don't have a clue about who we really are anyway until we're well into long-term recovery. Shape changers, remember?

 Some people question calling codependency an addiction, but therapists don't. They use the term "codependency" interchangeably with "relationship addiction."

When we lose ourselves in a relationship, make our "significant other" the most important part of our lives in every way possible, and compromise our own beliefs and values in the process, what else can we call it other than addiction?

We did the same with our drinking, after all.

We made alcohol the most important part of our lives in every way possible, compromised our beliefs and values over and over again to keep on drinking, and eventually lost ourselves in the process.

 We codependents find no lasting joy in a relationship other than in doing things to make our partners value us. We're in it for the long haul, too, even when we discover our partner is hurtful, even dangerous. We'll do anything we can think of to please and satisfy them, at whatever expense to ourselves. Our relationship becomes more important than anything, including our own safety.

And here's where people who are not codependents become baffled and often wade in with advice to, "Just leave the bastard," or "You are too nice a person to let someone treat you that way, get out while you can." or (and this one once broke my own heart) when my best friend walked away after telling me: "I can no longer be your friend and watch you self-destruct because of him. We're done."

 There's an obvious correlation with our drinking here, because we hear the same kinds of messages from friends and family:

  "Why don't you just have a couple of drinks and then stop?" ... "Why can't you see what your drinking is doing to you? To us?" ... "It's either the bottle or me. I can't stay in this any longer and watch you kill yourself."

 Think how we felt when those kinds of comments were aimed our way about our drinking. Then consider what it means to judge anyone about anything. People are formed from such different circumstances, motivated by different situations, shaped by their own personal suffering. We cannot hope to understand the behaviors of even those closest to us.

 We see all things in one dimension. Only our Higher Power sees things from all sides, inside and out. Our relationship with a Higher Power is the one that can bring about lasting positive change.

 Even so, I have never personally experienced a healthy intimate relationship. The last time I ventured to attempt one ended, as always, in painful failure. It took me to the edge of suicide before I finally surrendered that intention, on my knees, to my Higher Power.

 I have never stepped back into the relationship arena again, and now I've left it

 too late. That's a shame really, because I'm a pretty nice person today. But when I was of an age to be in an intimate relationship, I didn't have enough codependency recovery to operate there safely.

 I will suggest you don't do as I did.

If you think codependency is one of your issues, get honest about it now. There is help available.

Get a copy of the book Codependents Anonymous for a full outline of what you are dealing with and also the tools needed to recover. Get a support system. Join a group to find the experience, strength and hope you'll need to heal from codependent issues.

Every internal conflict has many levels, but over time our emotions can be healed unless we avoid or try to hide from them.

What we want and need is to feel heard and understood. Go find those people who will give that to you. We're all miracles of recovery from alcoholism. Once we have a bit of sobriety under our belt, it may be time to go get us another miracle. 

 

Have the courage to face the truth. Will the action you want to take enlarge you or diminish you?

 Do the right thing because it is right.

Admitting When We Go Off the Rails

 

I do a Step Ten (Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.) 

at bedtime every night. I didn't always, but I've learned over time it offers me real benefits.

For starters, I get to give myself imaginary (but very sparkly) gold stars for those things I did right in

 that one day.

Secondly, I can review those things I could have done better and consider how I might do better in future.

And finally, I can target any direct amends I might need to make the following day that could have

 faded from memory had I not identified them.

 

Many people review yesterday’s events over their morning coffee. I prefer to run the events of the day

 through my head right before I fall asleep. The Tenth Step, like all the steps, is flexible. There is no 

right way or wrong of doing it. There are suggested ways for doing all the steps, but all that really

 matters is we do them.

 

Even the first step, the one that must be taken 100 percent, sometimes takes time for us to fully

 embrace. Many of us wonder for quite a while after arriving in A.A. if we really are an alcoholic. 

We compare our stories with those we hear in meetings and listen to that voice in our head that says

 maybe we were not that bad after all.

 

That’s why our sponsor will tell us to see where we identify with others in A.A. Doing so quiets that

 inner voice of ours, our diseased part, the one that tells us lies. For that same reason we do a 10th step 

every day, to stay current with what is really going on with us.

 

I used to be a rager. Rage made me feel powerful, and once I gave in to it, I wasn't easily derailed.

 I can still give in to rage when I'm not careful. Current events in America have fired me up several 

times recently, but the difference is I seldom take my rage out on other people, and when I do forget

 myself, my amend usually follows within the hour.

 

 I vividly remember raging at a woman years ago who - probably in an attempt to distract

 me - commented on the gold symbol I was wearing on a long chain around my neck. I barely 

slowed my tirade as I tossed that chain bearing its golden A.A. triangle back over my shoulder so

 I could continue my rant without that reminder!

 

I, grudgingly, made an apology to her the following day.

 

That event took place during that year I now think of as my “amends year,” when I was kept busy

 making amends pretty much every week. I would get angry, vent my anger at anyone handy, and then

 later realize another damned amend was called for.

 

I hated making those amends, too, but it took making them one right after another to reach that place

of recognizing - and then surrendering to my HP - my over-the-top rages.

 

 I've had to make amends since that “lesson” month, of course, but only in cases where I overrode my

 Higher Power’s directions.

 

We can all do that you know, but there are always consequences. I try hard not to do that these days.

 

How does the 10th step help with that?

 

Most of us lived lives on automatic pilot before recovery. We didn't give a lot of thought on how to act, 

we just acted - or reacted!

 

We lived lives haunted by our past and dreading our future - or at least I certainly did.

 

In A.A. we are taught to live one day at a time, the one we're in.

To do that effectively, to become that joyous, happy and free person we aspire to be, we have to

 daily pay attention to the details that trigger our behaviors. It isn't difficult, but it does take practice.

 

Our lessons in those areas where diligence is needed will show up. Whenever change is needed

 our “teachers” will arrive with our lessons, in unkindness vs kindness, truth vs lies, tolerance vs 

intolerance, judgment vs non-judgment, rage vs peace, and so on.

 

Once upon a time I was bitter, angry and viciously judgmental about “any woman who would have

 an affair with a married man.” I felt totally justified about it, too.

Naturally the very-married man eventually showed up for me romantically so he and I could live

 through that unhappy life experience.

Why? Why did that have to happen?

Probably because I sponsor people and some arrive in my life with exactly that kind of baggage in

 their lives or their history. How could I possibly help someone were I harsh and judgmental upon 

learning they have been intimately involved with a married man?

 

My Higher Power knows what’s needed from me to be of service to Him and isn't shy about handing

 out tough love to me when necessary. I am, of course, not in any way suggesting He pushed me into

 having that affair. It was completely my choice, my decision. But, because my HP can use anything,

 even my rebellion and bad choices, my surviving that truly painful experience later gave me far

 more compassion for others.

 

We are not perfect. We must learn from our painful experiences, or we are doomed to repeat them 

until we do. We can also learn (over time) we don’t always have to learn through pain to gain wisdom 

where needed. Doing a daily 10th step keeps us current on our thoughts and actions, letting us adjust

 them when needed.

Without that daily review we are all subject to letting important things slide.

And sliding can too easily lead to slipping with folks like us.