Made A Decision

Alcohol-I.S.M. - Incredibly Short Memory.  

I.S.M. - I Suffer Me. 

        Our Mostly Unknown Very Common Disease

Newcomers to A.A. often say how baffled they became when they found themselves unable to stop drinking. This is especially true of those who managed on their own to stay sober for a week, month, or even years, and then picked up again.

But the answer isn't complicated. We drank because we are alcoholics. Every pleasure centre in our brains lights up like the dashboard of a giant Boeing aircraft when our brains get a hit of alcohol. 

Non-alcoholics don't get that kind of a hit from our drug of choice. They might get a nice buzz, but we get skyrockets in flight!

We also drank because early in our drinking days we discovered we could self-medicate with booze to block the emotions of fear, anxiety, frustration, isolation, dependence, and over-sensitivity.

And we drank to allow free rein for our impulsiveness, defiance and grandiosity.

Drinking worked for us on many levels, so naturally, we drank. 

Alcohol worked for most of us on all these levels for years and years. 

And then, it didn't. 

That's because ours is a progressive terminal illness that over time relentlessly goes from bad to worse. Every drug that gives us a happy high will soon drag us down to a lower low. Every one of them!

For anyone interested in the science behind this, there is a ton of it available in books and online. If you are a brain science buff, I can highly recommend the book Never Enough by Judith Grisel. 

 It all mainly boils down to our alcoholic brains probably being wired differently. It's that mental illness part of our physical, mental and spiritual illness in action, as described often in our Big Book and 12 & 12.

Early in my own recovery I got a look at the The Jellinek Curve * - an addiction model that identifies the progressive stages of alcoholism - and went on to read more about the three stages of alcoholic progression from other sources.

I learned the first stage takes roughly 20 years, unless we boost the booze with other mind-altering chemicals. Then it can take far less. During those years we look pretty much like most heavy drinkers, but toward the end it all starts getting - and looking - a lot worse. 

The second stage is shorter, usually no more than five to seven years. That's when our liver can't easily process our intake any more and starts to give up the fight. We no longer get hangovers in this stage, in their place we suffer bouts of alcoholic poisoning. 

But I still called mine hangovers when the poisoning hit, because I didn't have another word for what was going on with my body, other than terror. 

The final stage of our disease is when our liver, or brain, or both (along with other important inner bits) can't take the abuse we've been giving it and starts to pack it in. 

When it's the brain that gives up we can experience delirium tremens, imaginary situations as if they are real. 

These can often be horrific blood-curdling visions, but my best friend and one-time drinking buddy, Kathy H., once saw tiny muppet-like demons running around her house, a vision that scared her straight into A.A.. 

Following the DTs there can be a total loss of mental faculties and permanent residency in a little rubber room (wearing adult diapers), all down to a neurological condition commonly known as "wet brain."

Other joys in the final phase include (but are not limited to) agitation, anxiety, screaming headaches, shaking, nausea, vomiting, disorientation, seizures, insomnia, high blood pressure, tactile, auditory, and visual hallucinations (more delirium tremens), fever, excessive sweating, and finally, isolation and loneliness lived in a skeletal body beneath a swollen belly, followed by the relief of a very, very ugly death.

If you, too, are an alcoholic, that’s what the outcome of alcoholism is for those of us who continue to drink. That’s the end game you won’t see in commercials where happy party goers drink booze like it’s soda pop. 

The DRUG ethanol, found in all our alcoholic "beverages" - from beer to those pretty fruity rum drinks - is a killer. It's found in wine, from rot-gut cheap to the most expensive Domaine de la Romanee-Conti. It's really a good idea for anyone in recovery to never forget that.

Hollywood has given us many scenes of addicts climbing the walls, screaming and pulling their hair out during withdrawal, but death from that kind of withdrawal isn't usual. Alcoholics, on the other hand, were often found dead during morning checks in those "drunk tanks" (jail cells) used before and during A.A.'s formative years.

Our disease wants to kill us in the ways described, but it isn't fussy. When we're drunk we feel invincible, so our disease can take us out in a variety of ways .

Here are just a few: 

It will use automobile accidents, falls from balconies, domestic violence, drowning, suicide, and even staggering falls causing our spleens to bleed out. (I’ve had friends die from three of these). 

I've witnessed final stage alcoholism during 12-step calls made to gated communities, the suburbs, homeless shelters, the ghetto, and once to an apartment in my own building! 

Alcoholism - as we’ll hear often in meetings - is truly an equal opportunity destroyer. 

But now - some good news:

While the elevator of our disease descends faster and faster toward the end, we don't have to reach the stage where the bottom drops out to hurtle us downward to our death. We can get off at any floor - and then go upward again via the staircase. Twelve steps up will get us to safety.

If we drank and drugged for years it will take time to build back a better life for ourselves, but we will find companionship, encouragement, love, and a blueprint for living a sober life at our very first A.A. meeting. It's all there for us if we want it. It's our way out. 

Daily working the steps of recovery, prayers and meditation, talking with our sponsors, studying our literature, all take us to a better quality of life. We need to embrace everything A.A. has to offer.

Meetings are our ongoing first-aid - our medicine. 

If you doubt it, start watching the faces of your friends in recovery when they arrive wearing stressed or angry faces. Watch their expressions change over the length of the meeting, first smiles, then even laughter. By meetings-end everyone leaves relaxed and filled with renewed hope. Medicated! 

I recently again heard someone say, "Sometimes my Higher Power needs to have skin on it." Mine does, too. 

While I have many lovely moments of silent communion with the God of my understanding, I only actually hear God's direct messages to me when spoken by other A.A. members in meetings.  

Ours is a chronic, terminal illness. Many cancers are, too. Likewise kidney disease, diabetes, and so many others. But we don't have to have painful chemotherapy, or dialysis, or daily jabs of insulin. All we have to do is get our ass to a meeting for our medicine to kick in and get us through another sober day. 

It doesn't matter if you don't feel like it, if you don't want to go, if you don't like some other members of your group, if you're depressed, if meetings have become boring, if you can't be bothered ... stop giving yourself excuses and just go!

When recovering alcoholics drift away from meetings they risk drinking again. That's a fact. And for us, to drink means to court a fate worse than death - 

or death itself.

• The Jellinek Curve can now easily be seen online with a quick google. 

_______________________________________________

 

Made A Decision

There is only one sure cure for world-weariness and that is turning to a spiritual solution. 

Our Best Thinking ...

I was shaken to my core at a long-ago meeting when I heard someone say: "I used to think I was smart until I realised my best thinking got me HERE."

That speaker sure gave ME something to think about - then - and ever since!

Up until that time I thought myself to be quite a good little thinker. After all, I had a good job and also an alert brain that never shuts down ... or shuts up. The kind of brain, I've since learned, that's common to most alcoholics.

Along with pondering and questioning the need for doing all those steps, that God thing A.A. members nattered on about so much also became a perfect topic to spin my brainy wheels on, over and over again. 

"What is God? 

Is God male or female, or neither? 

Was Jesus God? 

Was Buddha God? 

Who was God? 

What was God?

Should I become Wiccan?

Wiccans are off the wall. 

But it's a Nature religion.

I love Nature.

Maybe I could become a Quaker?

How about an Animist?

Is there a God at all? 

Why should I trust it if there is? 

Where was God when (pick a nasty incident) happened to me?

Why can't I hear or see God ... etc."

That beat went on in my head, ad infinitum, for a very, very long stretch of time in my early recovery.

Our late-stage alcoholic A.A. founders knew who they were dealing with when they offered us a God of our own understanding, but even that open-ended kind of God remains a challenge for many of us.

The fact is - believe this or not - it doesn't matter! 

All we are asked to do in A.A. is acknowledge there is a power out there bigger than we are, something that designed the Universe, created our planet, and then DNA'd elephants, mosquitoes, trees, humans and everything else to enliven it.

Once we can accept we're not THAT Power, and get on with Step Two - followed by the rest of the steps - we're well launched along our sober path. A God of our own special brand of understanding can then be discovered as a bonus for our travels along it. 

Or not, as is the case with our many members who remain agnostic or atheist, but who nevertheless have at some point acknowledged Life is not all about them! 

There is no doubt the chairs of A.A. are filled with some very bright people, but even the most brilliant minds have no defence against the disease of alcoholism. We can't think our way sober. 

Intelligence, after all, is merely one of nature's gifts, along with artistic talent, musical ability, athletic prowess, and all the rest. We can be grateful for any such gifts, and we can develop them to the best of our ability, but we didn't create them.

 (It helps us become a bit more humble when we come to realise and accept that.)

Having a clever brain doesn't make us any better than anyone else. Worse, it can be a real handicap in our getting and staying sober. I can think of - and so can you - dozens of very intelligent writers, actors, politicians, comedians, musicians, and other vastly talented people who have all died drunk from our disease. 

"Too smart for their own good," as the old saying goes.

Neither a high IQ, university degree (or multiples thereof), mathematical agility, scientific knowledge, or any other intellectual achievement will restore us to sanity and give us sobriety. 

It takes a Power greater than ourselves to get that job done, even if the Power we acknowledge is just the power of sobriety found within our own A.A. group. 

Far better to relax and go with the flow. Everything we need to know about our Higher Power will be revealed as we trudge our sober path.

Like any relationship, the one I have with my Higher Power has grown and changed as I have learned more along my spiritual journey. The God of my understanding today bears little resemblance to the ones I've tried on - and discarded - over the years. 

It took time in A.A. to find a God that fit me, but I wouldn't trade my current version for your God - or anyone else's God (or non-God) either. 

I will always marvel at the infinite patience of members in my first A.A. group, people I viewed from my then-lofty perch as being a little too friendly and pretty naive, though I considered them to be mainly nice people. The one thing many of them had that I hadn't been able to achieve (with all my supposed smarts) was long-term sobriety. So even though I thought I had little in common with most of them, I stayed to discover for myself just how they had achieved that sobriety trick.

By staying I got to know, and then slowly to admire many of them. I was told to "stick with the winners,” and I did. I formed friendships within their ranks. I saw first-hand how their use of A.A.'s teachings gave them an easier path through life. 

I wanted what they had and they told me to stick around still longer and I could have it all - and more besides. They were right, along with that special bonus of not having had to take a drink or use a mind-altering chemical ever since.

I arrived in A.A. as an angry (all-the-time) impatient drunk. I'm no longer always angry and I no longer drink, but patience still isn't my strong suit. I can still get anxious over unimportant things (mainly involving computers), but the difference is, with HP's help, I now live a life where impatience and anxiety generally have to work to find a way in. 

I know for sure that my own level of serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance of my own powerlessness in any situation. And if a situation isn't working for me, I can take steps to change it.

Simply put, the Higher Power we find in A.A. works. And - as is often said in the Southern United States - "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

 

I would add to that wisdom by saying - "And don't overthink it!"

 

Made A Decision

Swallowing your pride will not get you drunk. 

Powerlessness

The ‘sober’ alcoholic chooses not to drink because he has accepted his alcoholism. 

The ‘dry’ alcoholic, while “not drinking,” is invariably angry and resentful. He finds abstinence

is not exciting because he is not interested in it - he is bored. Father Leo B., A.A. speaker  

The "dry drunk" in the above quote has simply not accepted his or her powerlessness over addiction(s). Total acceptance - with no reservations - is absolutely essential to maintain sobriety. 

It takes utter defeat and utter surrender to go from a raging drinking alcoholic to a recovering alcoholic, one who values their sobriety above all things. 

With our admission we are powerless over alcohol comes acceptance. With acceptance comes the willingness to do what's needed to stay sober.

Acceptance comes hard for us all. Many of us struggled for decades to control our drinking, to drink like normal drinkers, to figure out how to avoid the consequences of our drinking. 

 Some alcoholics (as our Big Book tells us) are never able to admit defeat. They continue to drink, drug, and pursue these controlling behaviors until our disease finally kills them. 

Our A.A. literature explains: . . . the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience.

Those of us fortunate enough to have acted upon our "moment of clarity" - that instant of knowing our absolute powerlessness over our disease - tend to grab hold of what A.A. has to offer with both hands and hopeful hearts. 

Think back to when your own addiction(s) influenced every part of your daily life; when your drug of choice gave you permission to indulge in every kind of behavior.  Coming to the realization that on our own we can do nothing to escape that dark power - other than to surrender to a Higher Power - offers us no option other than total surrender. 

Later, when we recognize we are not only powerless over alcohol, but are powerless over what people think about us, or how other people work their program, and even over the ability to keep our own hearts beating one moment longer than our Higher Power intends for us, we are truly well on our way in recovery. 

That's when we are able to stop getting white knuckles from gripping the steering wheel of our lives so tightly. 

That's also when we find there are things we are not powerless over - like our attitudes - because we can adjust our thinking. It takes plenty of practice, but we can let go of negativity. We can experiment with positive affirmations, different spiritual practices, and we can become a positive influence to ourselves and others, including even giving some care to our battered home planet. 

Our 12 & 12 book tells us: 

We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.

Our Big Book has plenty to say about it, too:

He cannot picture life without alcohol. Someday he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

Step One is a two-part step: 

Part A: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ...

Part B: … and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Once we've firmly placed the plug in the jug and our cravings for alcohol have stopped (sometimes quickly, sometimes more slowly) we can then begin to work on Part B, the unmanageable part. 

Doing so means we must learn to "practice these principles" of A.A in every area of our lives. We will not only stay sober by doing all 12 steps of recovery (and continuing to do them), we will also slowly move away from lives of turmoil and high drama and begin living lives filled with joy, purpose and serenity.

 It all begins with accepting both parts of Step One. 

With surrender comes victory over that mindset where life is too hard to live without an escape hatch. When we stop fighting, being stubborn, arguing and trying to figure out everything - we can begin to relax. The answers we seek will come over time. SLOW-briety!

I used to feel great sympathy for any person who suffered. Today I only commiserate with those who suffer in ignorance, people who do not yet know the transformative purpose of pain. 

Those who have that information and are "bored," or in any way “hurting,” can stop suffering by doing more of the doing of recovery. 

So if you are "bored" in A.A., sit down right now with pen and paper and figure out why. The more common causes are: 

• Not getting to enough meetings, or not going to a lot of different meetings, 

• Not doing any service work, 

• Not attending any Big Book or 12 & 12 study meetings, 

• Not having a Home Group, 

• Not setting aside enough (or any) time for readings and contemplation, or prayer and meditation ... 

• In other words basically coasting along being content with merely staying dry, no more and no less. In the big picture of our recovery that's a very "slippery" place to be.

This A.A. journey, after all, has worked, and continues to work, for millions of people. It will work for you, too - but only if you work it.  

________________________________________________

 

Made A Decision

Don't let the life A.A. gave you take you away from your life in A.A..

          

             Taking Our Show on the Road

Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, and then deciding what we will do about it.  (One Day at a Time in Al-Anon book)

A.A. has given me a full and satisfying life, and the Big Book makes it clear it would be wrong for me to limit all my interests and activities only to A.A. What we learn in A.A. is needed in the outer world and we are all charged with taking it out there. 

But, in doing so, we must also stay aware A.A. needs to remain our number one priority activity.

I have come to believe there's only one way for me to have a fully satisfying life, and that's by living the way God wants me to live. My HP and I meet up in that secret place of spirit on a daily basis. That's where I get my marching orders and special treats. 

That HP connection has given my life meaning and a task of work to do that matters. When I act under God's direction My life runs smoothly and, best of all, I am deeply content.  

(When I am not content I have misread my directions and must take a step back to see where I've gone off track - and then fix it). 

"And greater works than this shall ye do," it says in the Bible. Other religious texts say the same. 

We can do greater works when we have some experience of the new way of life we're given in A.A. Opportunities for a better world are all around us. But we do not work alone. Our Higher Power is there to guide us into all good works. 

The following two quotes say it all: 

Let A.A. never be a closed corporation; let us never deny our experience, for whatever it may be worth, to the world around us. Let our individual members heed the call to every field of human endeavor. Let them carry the experience and spirit of A.A. into all these affairs, for whatever good they may accomplish."  (GRAPEVINE, JANUARY 1958)

For not only has God saved us from alcoholism; the world has received us back into its citizenship. A.A. COMES OF AGE, pp. 232-233) 

The first thing we learn in A.A. is how to behave in a meeting. 

We quickly are taught not to interrupt others when they are speaking (cross talk), but when it's our turn we can reference their stated problems by offering program answers that have worked for us.

We learn in meetings and from our sponsors how to love one another, how to look out for one another, how to first care for our group members and then for A.A. members everywhere. 

It soon becomes very easy to look out for one another inside the rooms of A.A., but eventually we have to take some of that recovery into our homes and society.

 Many of us talk a good talk "around the tables" of A.A., but then go home and shout ugly things at our partners and children. That has to stop and it eventually will when we continue to work our program to the best of our ability.

When we smile at our A.A. group members, leave the meeting and within minutes are unkind to a fellow shopper or clerk, we still have some growing up to do.

Because no one is in our life by accident. 

Everyone we meet - from the postman delivering our mail, to the local butcher, baker and all those candlestick makers - are all here to teach us something about ourselves. 

The world doesn't need any more  of our anger. It needs love if there is going to be any kind of healing for our species and for our planet. And that love begins with each and every one of us as we take what we've learned in A.A. out into the world. 

We are all - every one of us - tasked with loving our world and everything and everyone in it. This is especially important in these times of escalating strife and political upheaval and it’s easy to forget under the constant barrage of “information” from the media and online.

We must - often - turn off the noise and practice "the discipline of kindness" to feel our best about ourselves. 

The first part of the word "civilization" is "civil."  Our fellowship, and even our civilization, can come to an end if we all think only of ourselves. 

We in recovery have a wonderful opportunity to contribute to the well-being of the world. We have found the answer to our own greatest problem and know it is not found in buying more stuff, shaming people on social media, or becoming more and more cynical through non-stop watching of the 24/7 news cycle. 

It can help if we start to see our world as our Father's house, and to think of all the people we meet as guests in that house, people we must treat with respect. 

The same is true of our world. It, too, is our Father's house. 

Just as we wouldn't throw garbage around our own Father's living room, we shouldn’t contribute to others having to walk knee deep in plastic wrappers (or dog crap) in our streets. 

When we want to be of service, both inside and beyond A.A., we contribute to making our program, and our world, a better place. 

The answer we have found in A.A. is all about love - self-love and love of others. And it's also about service.

In recovery we learn to love ourselves enough to stay sober.  We learn to love our fellow A.A. members and to want them to succeed in staying sober. We learn to pray for those we find it hard to like. We learn to love A.A. and to want to contribute to it through our service for its continuance. 

As our hearts expand in love we continue to send it outward, from A.A. to our families, our neighbors, our community, our world.  And "boy howdy”does the world ever need some of it right now!

Do we appreciate our unique opportunity to be of service? Or are we always focused on staying busy with our own concerns? Do any of the following sound familiar?"

"I'd do more service work in A.A., but I don't have the time."

"I'd take the kids to the beach (park/woods/movies) more, but I have to work."

"I wish I could join and contribute to Earth Extinction (World Wildlife Fund/my Political Party/Cancer Society/homeless relief project/local women's shelter, the Humane Society/the National Trust, etc. etc. etc.), but I'm too busy."

Here's the thing about making time:

If you heard your name announced on your local radio station as the winner of a fat cash prize as long as you showed up to collect it at the station by 5 p.m. on that day - you'd find the time to get there!

 Or if one of your family members were suddenly injured, you'd "find the time" to get them the medical attention they needed.

If you smelled smoke in the house you'd quickly find the time to tear yourself away from that computer solitaire game to find the cause.

We can always "make time" for things we feel are important. 

And, as part of that effort, there is always something we can do for others; and in that doing we increase the value of our own life. 

Helping others in any capacity also helps keep us sober and anything that keeps our cunning, baffing, powerful (and patient) disease at bay is well worth doing!