Made A Decision

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. - Oscar Wilde, author.

 

                     Self-care Equals Self-love

 

When was the last time you did something nice just for you?  Do you even know how to do that? Or what that feels like?

 

If not, there's work to be done ... but this is the kind of recovery work that can feel very good in the process.

 

We do that work because it builds back our self-esteem. Also, because according to many scientific studies, people who don't like themselves find it difficult (if not impossible) to love others.

 

So, to want to help other suffering alcoholics - our JOB in recovery - we have to begin to find out how to love and care for ourselves.

 

None of us gets to A.A. on a winning streak. We pretty much always arrive battered, angry, frustrated and filled with self-loathing. It takes time to get rid of all that, but meanwhile the people who got to A.A. ahead of us will love us until we finally learn to love ourselves.

 

They will, you know. The same way HP does, as in that saying:

 God loves us, whether we like it or not.

 

 As drinkers we were prone to anger, hostility, rebellion and aggression and we often resort to those behaviors in early recovery. A newcomer's first real work is learning new behavior skills, to not be a tyrant or a victim, how to set sane boundaries, to discover through that process how special and deserving we are for having a marvelous life.

 

We can then stop abusing ourselves - and others - with unrealistic expectations that can minimize our having success. Being both batterer and batteree isn't good for anyone, but it's typical behavior for many newcomers.

 

Forgiving ourselves for being human is the first step on the path to improving self-esteem. Our Higher Power knows who we are, and knows what we are, no perfection expected. We are loved for just being human.

 

We are the only ones expecting perfection of ourselves.

 

Self-improvement and self-acceptance are far worthier goals. That process begins with learning to take care of ourselves, and others, in healthier ways.

 

Initially it means going to lots of meetings to stay sober and meet lots of our kind of people, our herd. These are the folks we'll be hanging out with, getting to know and to love, getting to have fun with, and - most of all - getting to care that they stay sober.

 

 We make time for them. We take an interest in them. We want good things for

them. We learn our recovery really isn't "all about me." We SLOW-briety ourselves out of our own selfish heads.

 

Self-care also includes making time to get to know ourselves. Most of us arrive in A.A. wearing a variety of masks - sometimes all at the same time - to cover that black hole of loneliness and desperation underneath.

 

We arrive feeling like damaged goods and we wear our masks to try and keep others from seeing who we really are. But when we view ourselves as damaged goods, we truly have no idea who that person behind our mask actually is!

 

 Once we find the courage to work the steps to remove our masks, and continually do the doing, our beauty will be revealed for all to see and appreciate.

 

Working all twelve steps takes us to finding a powerful relationship with our personal Higher Power (whatever that looks like) and helps us discover, accept, and then love the person we are becoming.

 

 Steps four through ten are the meat and potatoes of self-discovery, Steps one, two, three, eleven and twelve get us out of our own way and closer to our Higher Power, and to our fellow suffering alcoholics. Or at least that's the way it has worked - and continues to work - for me.

 

There are a variety of non-A.A. ideas that can augment our step work in reaching our goal of self-love.

As it says in our Big Book, Make use of what others have to offer.

I have used all of the following to find my way back to myself.

 I can confirm they all have helped.

 

First, we must find the fun

I once read we could write down all the things we liked to do, and then ask our closest friends what they think would be fun among them for us to do together, and then to do them - individually or together - often.

Gratitude

Science has shown it is impossible for our brains to hold a negative and a positive thought at the same time. Spiritual law says the same. So, every day - and most especially on those days when our brains are out to kill us with negativity - we can escape by making a written gratitude list.

I've heard some people complain they can only think of about three or four things to list. Work on that till it reaches a hundred or so! It isn't hard …

Are we sober today? Do we know our sobriety is a gift and a miracle? Are we grateful for it?

Do we have sober friends? Do we have a circle of support in a Home Group? Do we have a program guiding our recovery? Gratitude!!!

Did the sun come up today? Be grateful we can see it. Be grateful for its warmth. Be grateful for the energy it offers our gardens, our food crops, our planet.

Is it raining? Be grateful for a quieter day, for the replenishment of our creeks and rivers, for our thirsty plants and wildlife, for friendly conversations with our neighbors about the weather.

Did we laugh today? Do we have friends that bring us the gift of laughter? Are

there comedians we enjoy? Did our puppy do something that gave us a smile? Is our cat the best cat ever? Do our children love us? Do we know that?

Gratitude!

Did we see something amazing today? A colorful butterfly? A couple in love? The ocean sunlit with diamond-like sparkles? A perfect rose in the garden? A hedgehog? A new baby of any species including our own? A mountain in the mist? Lambs at play? A falling “star?"

If we are physically well, are we grateful? Good eyesight? Hearing? Our strength? Being able to walk, or run, or climb, or dance? So many people have none of these.

The list is endless ... and for that, be grateful!

 Becoming grateful opens the door to more and more things for us to be grateful about.

We must practice being grateful for life's tough lessons, too. It is from them we learn and grow the most.

 Remember when you thought quitting drinking was the worst thing that could ever happen to you and then discovering it was the best?

 Gratitude!

Affirmations

Saying "You are a terrific human being" every time you see yourself in a mirror can feel awkward at first, but affirmations contribute a more positive voice to the negative one already in our head. Over time it can drown the critic out completely. That's the goal.

Affirmations come in all shapes and sizes: like, "Every day, in every way, I am

getting better and better." ... "I am loved and I am loving." ... "I attract the positive." ... "I deserve to have a wonderful life."  ... "I have a spiritual ideal and I seek to reach it."

Whatever the ideal you want for yourself can become a daily affirmation designed by you, for you.

 Affirmations are life changing. Doing daily affirmations works. The science supports it and my own experience also supports it. Try it in your own life.

Gold Stars

When we do anything hard for us to do ... apply for a new job, end a toxic relationship, speak our truth, join a book club, share - or chair - at a meeting, make an amend, visit a dying person in hospice, spend a day without our cell phone, make time to eat properly or get enough sleep, or whatever that hard thing FOR US might be ... we award ourself a gold star.

Literally. We get a box of sticky stars and when we’ve done a hard thing, we stick one on that date in our journal, diary, or desk calendar, along with a mention of what it was. Then, when a later day (or week) turns shitty, we can flip back through that collection of stars and read what we did to earn them.

It won't take long for the positive thought - "Yes, I really did do that ... and that ... and that, too ... " to kick in. We will then feel much better about ourselves.

 Another person might look at one of our accomplishments and think, "Big deal, what’s so hard about that?"

 This isn't about them or their opinions, especially when something that might have been easy for them was bloody terrifying for us. We all have different size hurdles.

(Our gold stars are just for us! I have never shown mine to anyone and I don't expect I ever will. It's none of their damned business.)

Revisit your Childhood

Make a list of all the things you liked to do before the age of eleven. Jigsaw puzzles? Read books? Dance? Roller skate? Ride horses? Swim? Jump rope? Walk in the woods? Be in a pretty garden. Have a dollhouse? Ride a bike? Sing? Go out in a boat? Whatever.

Then go do each of them again, one after another, week after week for as long as it takes.

 

You'll discover that some of them will no longer hold the appeal of your childhood. I found I'd rather fix up the house I live in than have a dollhouse now, but some childhood fun things will still be a good fit. Add them back into your life.

Secret Pleasures

Loneliness is the pain of being alone. Solitude offers the joy of being alone.

Do more of what you secretly like to do all by yourself, but seldom make time for: Bubble baths? Reading good books? Gardening? Hiking? Napping? Lying in bed and watching TV or reading? Baking? Trying new recipes? Puzzles? 

That's how we learn to enjoy and value our own company. Whatever makes you happy in yourself - and by yourself - do it more often (yes, even rude sexy things).

Self-care leads us to others-care.

When we feel good about ourselves it's natural to want to share that with others. We'll find ourselves becoming more involved in A.A. service work - and enjoying it.

We'll find ourselves reaching out to others who are struggling to offer them a bit of our own experience, strength and hope. We'll feel less like "I have to go to a meeting" and more like, "I get to go to a meeting."

We'll feel gratitude whenever we are doing-the-doing.

It all works - when we work all of it.

 

Our mind is a garden. Our thoughts are the seeds.

We can grow flowers … Or we can grow weeds.

 

 

        The Problem Is Always Me

 

What???   I'm the problem??? I don't think so!! 

After all …

HE fired me! ... SHE stole my savings! ... HE never stops yelling at me ... 

THEY are spreading lies about me ... HE's the one having the affair ... 

SHE won't believe me ... HE broke his promise ... SHE’S my sister and treats 

me like dirt ... My father lied to me ...  SHE blabbed my secret ...

 

We can play that blame game forever, but if we want emotional sobriety - 

aka: serenity - we may want to look at what our A.A. program teaches us. 

Like this from the 12&12:

 

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are

 disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is 

something wrong with us.

 

And this from the Big Book:

Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, 

we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us,

seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in 

the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed 

us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.

 

In the A.A. magazine The Grapevine, Bill W. himself was quoted as saying:

If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the 

root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. 

Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities. 

Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to twelfth-step

 ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety.

 

Yeah, sure. Easy for Saint Bill to say, but not so easy to do if you're just a

 struggling drunk like me.

 

 But remember, it was "Saint Bill" who actually wrote those words we hear 

at every meeting: "We are NOT saints." We'll have to step back here and

 remember Bill W. - who gave us so much - was an unsaintly drunk just like

 the rest of us.

 

Sure, he was inspired - many say God inspired - when he and Dr. Bob put our

 incredible program of recovery together.  And there is no doubt both men 

were highly intelligent, strong-minded, high-achieving individuals. But the

 same can be said of many A.A. members. The difference is, our founders

 recognized that to stay sober they had to let go of any hint of being victims.

 

When we were still ignorant about addiction, we were victims of its power,

 but once in recovery we are no longer ignorant so we are no longer victims. 

No matter what we've lived through, we're still here. That makes us now 

survivors working on becoming better people.

 

 Our history has taken us from victimhood to victory. By climbing our steps of

 recovery, we get to the places offering life's finest views.

 

The moment we fall back into old behaviors and start playing the blame game it's

 time to rein ourselves in. We do it by looking at our part in whatever situation

 is causing us unrest.

 Because, clearly, the statement – Every time we are disturbed,

 no matter what the cause, there is something wrong

with us. - offers no loopholes.

 

I wish I had a crisp dollar bill for how many times I’ve heard someone in A.A. 

say “My family doesn’t understand me.”

How could they? We defied all understanding when we drank.

But our A.A. “family” understands us perfectly and they tell us, regardless of

 what’s happening around or to us, we have the responsibility to look only at

 our part.

Others in our lives may seem unreasonable, but - just as holding onto

 resentments is dangerous for us - so is holding onto the blame game. We must

own our part in any life problems we're experiencing.

 

Easy to do? Nope. Acceptance is seldom easy. It can often feel like submission;

 but it’s not. Acceptance is actually when we acknowledge the facts of a

 situation and then decide what we need to do about it.

 

When we regularly do our Tenth Step nightly inventory we will start to see our

 part in our problems with others. It’s where we learn we must stop judging

 others and ourselves.

So, throw the stick away you still beat yourself up with and start acknowledging you have good qualities, too.

(Yes, this means you).

 

We are not always in the wrong, but our self-respect will be enhanced every

 time we act on the phrase: ... when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

 

Our Tenth Step work teaches us the person upsetting us the most is our best

 teacher!!! Our goal is to mentally thank that person for offering us so much

 to learn about ourselves. (I'll be working on this one till the day I die,

 but I'm better than I used to be … progress, not perfection).

 

The 12&12 states that all of us Are to some extent emotionally ill as well as

 frequently wrong, and it urges us to develop tolerance so we can learn ... 

what real love for our fellows actually means.

When we don't learn from our mistakes, we remain driven by them. 

Freedom is the absolute discovery of the joy to be found in living our own way,

 but better.  Freedom is actually obedience to our inner Higher Self, the

 One seeking expression through us.

 

The program of AlAnon, made up of those amazing souls who have to deal 

with us drunks (wet or dry), while maintaining their own peace of mind, 

teaches that everyone is to some extent emotionally ill.

One of the AlAnon sayings is:

 

Don't take anyone's inventory but your own.

 

It's great advice! Do you know anyone who is physically, mentally or spiritually

 perfect? I don't and I don't expect I ever will.  If "they" aren't perfect and

 "we" aren't perfect, how can we expect emotional sobriety unless we learn to cut everyone some slack?

 

The best way I've found is to begin treating others as I would like them

 to treat me - as that high-valued yellow metal "rule” suggests. *

It's pretty much the gold standard for finding emotional sobriety.

 

 

 

*(The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.)

 

 

                                                         *****

 

 Made A Decision

Peace with self is the treasure beyond measure.

 

                                      Balance

 

My definition of balance is being able to obsess equally in all areas of my life.

 

I read that above quote recently and, while it made me chuckle, it also felt waaaaay too close to the mark. Because the need to create a balanced life has been the one big challenging recurring theme of my entire time in recovery.

 

My Higher Power clued me it would be so during my very first sober year, because the word "balance" was everywhere.

If I turned on the radio, I'd find a lecture about "living in a more BALANCED way."

If I sat on the toilet there would be a box of detergent nearby bearing words printed in big bold letters: "For a BALANCED washing ..."

A television program offered, "... watch in amazement as this man BALANCES on the thin wire between these skyscrapers ..." 

A bank statement gave notice of a new and easy way to BALANCE my account …

And so on.

Fuzzy as my head was that first year, even I couldn't miss my HP’s message saying I needed more BALANCE in my life.

 

So, what does a balanced life look like?

It looks calm, centered and comfortable. It shows up when we use A.A.’s tool kit to develop our spiritual, physical and mental health and eventually even adopting habits associated with healthy living, like eating well, exercising (preferably out in the open air) and getting enough sleep.

 

We use ALL the tools of recovery - from step work to book study groups - to develop and keep our balance.

Avoiding the busy-ness of ALWAYS doing too much is one component.

Remembering the A.A. advice to H.A.L.T. - not allowing ourselves to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired - is another.

 

Alcoholics are too often excitement junkies, creating or seeking stress to boost our built-in drug, adrenaline. We use caffeine the same way. Achieving serenity isn't easily done when we're all jazzed up on either.

 

Balance can be achieved, and is worth the effort, but it remains subject to change as our conditions change. We are now - and always - (like that high-wire walker between buildings) in need of staying balanced (despite sudden gusts of wind).

Let's say our A.A. life has restored our family to us, and we again have a good job, along with a strong support system in our A.A. friends. We have regained respect in our community. All is good!

But then … we are diagnosed with a medical problem; our child overdoses on drugs; we learn a friend has gossiped about us; our company goes bust; our job gone; divorce papers arrive … What then?

How do we retain balance through these kinds of situations?

 

First, we check in with the Boss, the Top Guy, Amazing Grace, God, YANA (You Are Not Alone), or whatever we chose to call our Higher Power. We can complain there for a bit (God can take it) before surrendering the problem to our HP by asking for help.

We talk with our sponsor and our known-to-be-trustworthy A.A. friends. We'll step up our number of meetings and will talk there - honestly - about what's going on with us.

We may whine for a bit to God, and our friends, but then must get off the pity pot before it becomes our permanent habitat.

Besides (after using all our A.A. tools), we're ready to face whatever facts must be faced - and dealt with - about our changed situation.

That's our A.A. solution for every single life problem we will encounter in recovery. That's how we learn to live life on life's terms ... or ... as I prefer to think of it, live life on God's terms.

 

Fast forward now, one sober day at a time, when suddenly - to our amazement - old age arrives with a whole new set of adjustments to be made. We suddenly find ourselves unable to do daily tasks formerly so easy we never gave them a thought.

Finding our balance in the strange (and often hilarious) new world of hard-of-hearing, hard to remember, hard to get up from a chair, hard to walk very far, hard to even sweep the floor ... takes a lot of new adjustments.

(Seeing that Old Woman in the mirror where I’m supposed to see me takes even more!)

 Finding the balance - when losing it can mean a broken hip - takes a good bit of getting used to!

It's also hard to know how much of our "hand of A.A." is still required of us. How much should now be handed off to younger members, so they can also gain every benefit from our wonderful program that we have?

 

Re-evaluating one's life while busy living it is never easy, but it's always necessary when we feel ourselves getting out of balance once again.

I've spent a lot of time in prayer and thought (and conversation with trusted friends) about this old age balancing act this week. I've decided it’s time to step back from a lot of my A.A. commitments to finish organizing my many weekly blogs into a book. 

 This feels like my best way for giving back to our program now, and just making that decision - and writing it down here - has already made me feel more balanced.

            My work now - as always - will be to keep me that way!