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Self-care Equals Self-love 

When was the last time you did something nice just for you?

 Do you even know how to do that?

 Or what that feels like?

If not, there's work to be done ... but this is the kind of recovery work that can feel good in the process.

We do that work because it builds back our self-esteem. And also because, according to many scientific studies, people who don't like themselves find it difficult (if not impossible) to love others. So to want to help other suffering alcoholics - which is our JOB in recovery - we have to begin to find out how to love and care for ourselves. 

After all, none of us gets to AA on a winning streak. We pretty much always arrive battered, angry, frustrated and filled with self-loathing. It takes time to get rid of all that, but meanwhile the people who got to AA ahead of us will love us until we finally learn to love ourselves.

They will, you know. The same way HP does, as in that saying - "God loves us, whether we like it or not."

 In our drinking days we were prone to anger, hostility, rebellion and aggression. Early in our recovery those behaviors often remain our Go To behaviors. The newcomer's first work is to learn how to not be a tyrant or a victim, to learn how to set sane boundaries, and discover through that process that we are special and deserving of having a marvelous life. 

We can then put down the stick and stop abusing ourselves - and others - with unrealistic expectations that can minimize our having success.

 Being both batterer and batteree isn't good for anyone, but it's typical behavior for many newcomers.

Forgiving ourselves for being human is the first step on the path to improving self-esteem. That's how our Higher Power views us. HP knows who we are and knows what we are, no perfection expected. We are loved for just being human. 

We are the only ones expecting perfection of ourselves. Self-improvement and self-acceptance are far worthier goals. That process begins with learning to take care of ourselves, and by learning to care for others in healthy ways. 

We help others initially by going to lots of meetings to stay sober and meet lots of our kind of people, our herd. These are the folks we'll be hanging out with, getting to know and to love, getting to have fun with, and - most of all - getting to care that they stay sober.

 We make time for them. We take an interest in them. We want good things for them. We learn our recovery really isn't "all about me."  We gradually get out of our own selfish heads. 

Self-care also includes making time to get to know ourselves. 

Most of us arrive in AA wearing a variety of masks - sometimes all at the same time - to cover the black hole of loneliness and desperation underneath.

We arrive in AA feeling like damaged goods and we wear our masks to try and keep others from seeing who we really are. 

But when we view ourselves as damaged goods, we truly have no idea yet who the person behind our mask actually is! 

 Once we find the courage to remove our masks, work the steps, and continually do the doing, our beauty will be revealed for all to see and appreciate.

Working all twelve steps takes us to finding a powerful relationship with our personal Higher Power and helps us discover, accept, and then love the person we are becoming. 

Steps four through ten are the meat and potatoes of self-discovery, Steps one, two, three, eleven and twelve get us out of our own way and closer to our Higher Power, and to our fellow suffering alcoholics. 

Or at least that's the way it has worked - and continues to work - for me. 

There are a variety of non-AA ideas that can augment our step work in reaching our goal of self-love. As it says in our Big Book, "Make use of what others have to offer." I have used all of the following to find my way back to myself. I can confirm that they have all helped.

Defining our Higher Power:

My first sponsor once had me make a list of all the qualities I'd like to find in a best friend. I wrote down things like intelligence, humour, honesty, courage, and many more. She read the list, handed it back and said, "There. That's your Higher Power, at least for now. Those are your HP's attributes. Worship that God until you find something better. Stop overthinking this God thing."

Have fun:

I once read we could write down all the things we liked to do, and then ask our closest friends what they think would be fun for us to do together, and then to do them - individually or together - often. 

Gratitude:

Science has shown it is impossible for our brains to hold a negative and a positive thought at the same time. Spiritual law says the same. So every day - and most especially on those days when our brains are out to kill us with negativity - we can escape by making a written gratitude list. 

I've heard some people complain they can only think of about three things to list. Work on that till it reaches a hundred or so! It isn't hard ...

Are we sober today?

Do we know our sobriety is a gift and a miracle?

 Are we grateful for it? 

Do we have sober friends? Do we have a circle of support in a Home Group? Do we have a program guiding our recovery?

 Gratitude!!!

Did the sun come up today? Be grateful we can see it. Be grateful for its warmth. Be grateful for the energy it offers our gardens, our food crops, our planet. 

Is it raining? Be grateful for a quieter day, for the replenishment of our creeks and rivers, for our thirsty plants and wildlife, for friendly conversations with our neighbors about the weather.

Did we laugh today? Do we have friends that bring us the gift of laughter? Are there comedians we enjoy? Did our puppy do something that gave us a smile? Is our cat the best cat ever? Do our children love us? Do we know that? Gratitude!

Did we see something amazing today? A colourful butterfly? A couple in love? A new baby? A sea view? A perfect rose in the garden? A hedgehog? A mountain in the mist? Lambs at play? A falling "star?" 

If we are physically well are we grateful? Good eyesight? Hearing? Our strength? Being able to walk, or run, or climb, or dance? There are people with none of these things, or unable to do any of these. So be grateful.

The list is endless ... and for that, I'm grateful!

Becoming grateful opens the door to more and more things to be grateful about.

Practice being grateful for life's tough lessons, too. For it is from them that we learn and grow the most. 

Never forget when you felt that quitting drinking would be the worst thing that could happen to you. And then how you felt when you discovered it was the best thing that has ever happened for you. 

Gratitude!

Affirmations:

Saying "You are a terrific human being" every time you see yourself in a mirror can feel awkward at first, but affirmations contribute a more positive voice to the negative one already in our head. Over time it can drown it out completely. That's the goal.

Affirmations come in all shapes and sizes: like, "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better." ... "I am loved and I am loving." ... "I attract the positive." ... "I deserve to have a wonderful life."  ... "I have a spiritual ideal and I seek to reach it." Whatever the ideal you want for yourself can become a daily affirmation designed by you, for you. 

We already use an affirmation when our meetings end and we all say out loud - 

"It works when we work it." 

Gold Stars:

When you do anything that is hard for you to do ... apply for a new job, end a toxic relationship, speak your truth, join a book club, share - or chair - at a meeting, make an amend, visit a dying person in hospice, spend a day without your cell phone, make time to eat properly, or to get enough sleep, or whatever that hard thing FOR YOU might be ... award yourself a gold star. 

Literally.

Get a box of sticky stars and put one in your journal or diary or desk calendar on that date you've done your hard thing. Write down what that hard thing was. Then, when a later day (or week) turns shitty on you, you can flip back through that collection of stars and read what you did to earn it. 

It won't take long for the positive thought - "Yes, I really did do that ... and that ... and that, too ... " to kick in. We will then feel better about ourselves.

 Another person might look at one of our accomplishments and think, "Big deal." This isn't about them or their opinion, especially when their opinion is based on something that might have been easy for them, but was terrifying for us. We all have different size hurdles. 

(Our gold stars are just for us! I have never shown mine to anyone and I don't expect I ever will. It's none of their business.)

Revisit your Childhood

Make a list of all the things you liked to do before the age of eleven. Jigsaw puzzles? Read books? Dance? Roller skate? Ride horses? Swim? Jump rope? Walk in the woods? Be in a pretty garden. Have a dollhouse? Ride a bike? Sing? Go out in a boat? 

Whatever.

Then go do each of them again, one after another, week after week for as long as it takes.

You'll discover that some of them will no longer hold the appeal of your childhood (I found I'd rather fix up the house I live in than have a dollhouse again), but some childhood fun things will still be a good fit. 

Add them back into your life.

Secret Pleasures:

Loneliness is the pain of being alone. Solitude offers the joy of being alone. 

Do more of what you secretly like to do all by yourself, but seldom make time for: Bubble baths? Reading good books? Gardening? Hiking? Napping? Lying in bed and watching the telly? Baking? Trying new recipes? Puzzles?  

Whatever makes you happy in yourself - and by yourself - do it more often (yes, even rude things). That's how we learn to enjoy our own company, to find out how much fun we are to be with.

Self-care leads us to others-care. 

When we feel good about ourselves it's natural to want to share that with others. We'll find ourselves becoming more involved in AA service work - and enjoying it. 

We'll find ourselves reaching out to others who are struggling to offer them a bit of our own experience, strength and hope.

 We'll feel less like "I have to go to a meeting" and more like, "I get to go to a meeting."

We'll feel gratitude whenever we are doing-the-doing.

It all works - when we work all of it.

(Note: Next week's blog will be about the 13th Step and other sexual misadventures in AA ... you won't want to miss it.)