OKaysez

 

Made a Decision 

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              Alcoholism and Codependency                                                      

Feelings of guilt, pity, and obligation are to the codependent what the first drink is to the alcoholic. Beware of what happens next! - Melodie Beatte

What? Why are we not talking about alcohol? What does codependency have to do with drinking? 

Quite a lot, actually, at least for many of us, along with all the other addictions we can easily slide into after putting the plug in the jug. Things like overeating, overspending, over-lusting, and just plain over-doing in general. 

But we usually don't slide into codependent behaviors for the very first time when we get to AA - we arrive with them fully in place.

And the difference is, all our newly-adopted over-the-top behaviors will fade away as we learn, over time, to rely more-and-more on surrendering them to our Higher Power.

 (And then leaving them there.)

 But codependency is truly in a class by itself and deserves a closer look. 

Recovering alcoholics/addicts eventually often discover codependency is one of their key underlying issues. That's because substance abuse and dependency lead to guilt and shame, the same two emotions that can also lead to codependency. 

And, like alcoholism, recovering from codependency can be hard work. It requires our full attention and commitment, but it's worth it because it can take us to a more fulfilled and joyful life. There's also the fact (and motivator) that codependency, just like alcoholism, can be a killer. More about that in a minute.

I made the discovery that I was a raging codependent in my ninth year of sobriety. Up until then I had been sailing along, happily sober, sponsoring other women and active in other kinds of service work. Only gradually did I notice the women I sponsored were becoming healthy enough to enjoy supportive and loving relationships. Many of them married, had children, moved on ... I hadn't.

Then, one night while waiting for a meeting to begin in a treatment centre where I had gone with my group to carry the AA message, I glanced at a pinned-up notice on a cork board. It was a test on the "laundry list" outlining codependent behaviors. I was amazed to find that, just like in those written tests offering symptoms of alcoholism, I passed the codependent test with flying colours, too.

I brought the matter up with my sponsor. 

She told me I was very codependent, but that she hadn't confronted me with it because I was sober and seemed happy. 

I was happy.

But I was also lonely. 

In those days I still hoped for a loving relationship, but was afraid to become involved with anyone. I had already painfully learned getting out of any relationship was nearly impossible for me. That's a classic codependent symptom for some of us, by the way. One of many. 

Here are some others: People pleasing; lack of boundaries; poor self-esteem; caretaking; reactivity; poor communication; lacking a positive self-image; difficulty making decisions in a relationship; difficulty identifying our own feelings; valuing the approval of others more than valuing our own, lack of self trust - and that's just for starters.

Codependent givers and takers have a lot in common, but their differences make for unhealthy - even toxic - relationships, ones that can lead to desperation, depression, despair, abuse, violence and even death (homicidal or suicidal). 

A codependent person tends to give continuously to a narcissistic partner who takes. They're both codependent, just flip sides of the same coin. 

(They can sometimes also, in a different relationship, play the reverse role!)

Blackouts are one symptom of alcoholism (not all alcoholics have them, but no non-alcoholic has them!) and domestic violence is one symptom of codependency (not all codependents get caught up in domestic violence, but many, many do). 

Codependents don't all grow up with alcoholic parents, either, but they also don't grow up in healthy and nurturing conditions. Codependency is almost always rooted in adverse childhood experiences. And those who do grow up in an alcoholic home are exposed to a full slate of negative conditions. Here they learn while very young to neglect their own needs for the sake of their parents' needs and demands. 

To survive their traumatic upbringing such children become shapechangers, able to immediately take the temperature of any emotional atmosphere and adapt to whatever is found. (We never lose that superpower, either. I still have it.)

Growing up this way, having no one listen to us, or otherwise affirm us, leaves us feeling isolated and emotionally abandoned. 

And when we grow up with one or both parents being alcoholic, we're probably going to have at least a few codependent issues surface when we establish homes of our own. This is particularly true for those of us destined to also go on to become alcoholics ourselves.

As adults, we see others having safe intimate relationships and we long for that same experience. But our attempts at relationships devolve rapidly. We carry into them a sense of shame, along with fear, that leaves us unable to share who we really are. 

We often don't have a clue about who we really are anyway until we're well into long-term recovery from other addictions. Shapechangers, remember?

Some question calling codependency an addiction, but therapists don't. They often even use the term "codependency" interchangeably with "relationship addiction." When we lose ourselves in a relationship, make our "significant other" the most important part of our lives in every way possible, and compromise our own beliefs and values in the process, what else can we call it other than addiction?

We did the same with our drinking, after all. We made alcohol the most important part of our lives in every way possible, compromised our beliefs and values over and over again to keep on drinking, and eventually lost ourselves in the process.

We codependents find no lasting joy in a relationship other than in doing things to make our partners value us. We're in it for the long haul, too, even when knowing our partner is hurtful, even dangerous. We'll do anything we can think of to please and satisfy them, no matter at what expense to ourselves. Our relationship becomes more important than anything else, including our own well-being.

And here's where people who are not codependents become baffled and often wade in with advice to, "Just leave the bastard," or "You are too nice a person to let someone treat you that way, get out while you can." or - and this is the one that once broke my own heart - when the best friend I'd ever had walked away after telling me: "I can no longer be your friend and watch you self-destruct because of him. We're done."

There's an obvious (to me) similar situation created by our drinking, because we  hear the same kinds of messages from friends and family:  "Why don't you just have a couple of drinks and then stop?" ... "Why can't you see what your drinking is doing to you? To us?" ... "It's either the bottle or me. I can't stay in this any longer and watch you kill yourself."

Now step back and think about how we felt when those same kinds of comments were aimed at us over our drinking. Then consider what it means to judge anyone about anything. People are formed from such different circumstances, motivated by different situations, shaped by their own personal suffering. We cannot even hope to understand the behaviors of even those closest to us. 

We see all things in one dimension. Only our Higher Power sees things from all sides, inside and out. Our relationship with a Higher Power is the one that can bring about lasting positive change.

Even so, I have never personally experienced a healthy intimate relationship.

The last time I ventured to attempt one ended, as always, in painful failure. It took me to the edge of suicide before I finally surrendered that intention, on my knees, to my Higher Power.

I have never stepped back into the relationship arena again, and now I've left it too late. That's a shame really, because I'm a pretty nice person today. But when I was of an age to be in a relationship I didn't have enough recovery from my own codependency to operate safely in an intimate partnership. 

So I will suggest you don't do as I did. If you think codependency is one of your issues, get honest about it now. There is help available. 

Get a copy of the book Codependents Anonymous for a full outline of what you are dealing with and the tools needed on how to recover.

 Get a support system. Join a group to find the experience, strength and hope you'll need to heal from your codependent issues. 

Every internal conflict has many levels, but over time our emotions can be healed  - unless we avoid them or try to hide from them. 

Most of the time what we want and need is just to feel listened to and understood. Go find those people who will give that to you. We're all miracles of recovery from alcoholism. It may now be the time for you to go get yourself another miracle.