Made A Decision
(98)
Freedom from Fear
AA has a lot of glib talkers. People so afflicted will sometimes say things that aren't true in pursuit of a better story. They will claim recovery has taught them to never lie, or that they no longer lose their tempers, or to have any fears about anything.
Hearing such blanket statements should activate our bullshit alarm.
True, we may no longer tell lies in every other sentence. We may also not rage at people anymore, but watch what happens when those who now never lose their tempers stub their toe.
As for losing all fear, remember Bill Wilson himself said:
The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion - well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear.
Fear is a big one for us drunks. Many of us (most?) drank mainly to escape the fears that plagued us, that kept us awake in the wee hours and dogged our footsteps throughout every day. Drink let us escape them for a while, so drink we did.
As it says in the 12 & 12:
At heart we had all been abnormally fearful. It mattered little whether we had sat on the shore of life drinking ourselves into forgetfulness or had plunged in recklessly and willfully beyond our depth and ability. The result was the same - all of us had nearly perished in a sea of alcohol.
What were we afraid of?
Hearing such blanket statements should activate our bullshit alarm.
True, we may no longer tell lies in every other sentence. We may also not rage at people anymore, but watch what happens when those who now never lose their tempers stub their toe.
As for losing all fear, remember Bill Wilson himself said:
The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion - well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear.
Fear is a big one for us drunks. Many of us (most?) drank mainly to escape the fears that plagued us, that kept us awake in the wee hours and dogged our footsteps throughout every day. Drink let us escape them for a while, so drink we did.
As it says in the 12 & 12:
At heart we had all been abnormally fearful. It mattered little whether we had sat on the shore of life drinking ourselves into forgetfulness or had plunged in recklessly and willfully beyond our depth and ability. The result was the same - all of us had nearly perished in a sea of alcohol.
What were we afraid of?
Failure; Risk; Pain; Loneliness; Rejection; Intimacy; Abandonment; Appearing or sounding stupid; God's punishment; Poverty; Being homeless; What others might think; Doctors, Being exploited; Missing our one big chance in life; Flying; Leaving our house; Being laughed at; Making mistakes; Lawyers; Wrong decisions; Travel; Loss; Dangerous weather; spiders; diseases; dentists ... name it, we've feared it.
We can still fear many of those named - and more - long into our recovery.
The major difference is, we no longer have to drink over it.
When we first face the daunting task of writing a 4th Step, knowing it will be followed by a 5th Step, most of us are instantly filled with fear. Who wants to shine a spotlight on our darker deeds? And who on earth would want to share that knowledge with anyone???
When we first face the daunting task of writing a 4th Step, knowing it will be followed by a 5th Step, most of us are instantly filled with fear. Who wants to shine a spotlight on our darker deeds? And who on earth would want to share that knowledge with anyone???
Our pride and ego are in for a real hit in doing steps Four and Five - but the mental freedom that follows is the gateway to overcoming fear and finding courage. And it takes courage to stick with a sober journey. It is virtually impossible to progress along the spiritual path without it. But courage is not the absence of fear, it is the willingness to move forward despite it.
Fears create most of our most insane thoughts and moments. Whenever we're anxious, hyper, or sleepless in Seattle (or elsewhere), we might consider pondering if there is a fear happening beneath it all. Often there is.
Fear gives us fluttering stomach butterflies when we are asked to share our story in an AA meeting. Courage then takes a deep breath, shares its experience, strength and hope, and in so doing set those butterflies free to fly away.
We gain courage from the examples set by others in our fellowship. We gain confidence, hope and security just by being in a meeting and listening to others share their experiences.
We hear a lot of acronyms for F.E.A.R. in meetings:
False Expectations Appearing Real ... Frustration, Ego, Anxiety, Resentment ... And, my personal favorite: Fuck Everything And Run.
Much of our recovery deals with letting go of fear. We do so by learning to rely on the God of our understanding, on our program, on each other, and eventually on ourselves.
Becoming less fearful takes time in recovery, just like every other part of sober living. And just when we think we maybe - just maybe - have got a handle on this fear thing, we get new things to be fearful about - like losing our health, or old age, or how the world will manage to survive after we die.
But as my first sponsor used to often tell me, "God didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head." (I must still remind myself of that from time to time.)
But as my first sponsor used to often tell me, "God didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head." (I must still remind myself of that from time to time.)
Author C.S. Lewis once pointed out what we all learn over and over again in AA: "Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done."
"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."
Recovery requires us to learn to be responsible for - and to control - our thoughts. Our Higher Power stands ready to help us with that when we say (often!) that quiet and powerful prayer, "Thy will, not mine, be done."
When we were drinking we made a lot of foxhole prayers - "Dear God please get me out of this mess and I promise I will never, ever, drink again." But learning how to pray in sobriety is the real deal.This is where we can actually connect with that Higher Power who wants our sobriety every bit as much as we do, and then some.
God doesn't want or need lengthy petitions. He already knows what we want and, as long as sobriety is at the top of our lengthy WANT list, He will absolutely supply our every NEED.
God doesn't want or need lengthy petitions. He already knows what we want and, as long as sobriety is at the top of our lengthy WANT list, He will absolutely supply our every NEED.
We alcoholics are not alone in living in troubling times in a troubled world. While the pursuit of material success and possessions remains the focus of many, we find success by seeking spiritual direction through the continual working of our 12-steps. Doing so deepens our faith, which then calms and quiets our minds.
Our Big Book tells us: Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. We hear in our meetings - The solution is simple. The solution is spiritual.
Our AA founders knew this. Sister Ignatia, the nurse who worked closely with Dr. Bob, pointed out: There was one thing that always irritated (the) Doctor. Some people who were on the program for a length of time would come up to him and say, "I don't get the spiritual angle." I heard him say time and again, "There is no spiritual angle. It's a spiritual program."
We attempt to learn spiritual principles because we must, once we understand our recovery is a live or die situation.
Eventually we accept sticking to our spiritual path, because we've learned it makes our life easier.
And when the road signs found along our spiritual path eventually read "Joyous," "Happy" and "Free," we will have finally learned living a life of obedience to our Higher Power is truly life's easier, softer way.
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