Made A Decision

The Problem Is Always Me

What???   

I'M the problem??? 

I don't think so!!!

After all ...

HE fired me! ... SHE stole my savings! ... HE never stops yelling at me ... SHE is spreading lies about me ... HE's the one having the affair ... SHE won't believe me ... HE broke his promise ... She's my sister and treats me like dirt ... My father lied to me ...  It was a secret and SHE blabbed ... 

We can play that blame game forever, but if we want emotional sobriety - aka: serenity - we may want to look at what our AA program teaches us.

Like this from the 12&12:

 It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.

And this from the Big Book:

 ...  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.

In the American AA magazine The Grapevine, 

Bill W. himself was quoted as saying:

If we examine every disturbance we have, great

or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities.

Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to twelfth-step ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety.

Yeah, sure. Easy for Saint Bill to say, but not so easy to do if you're just a struggling drunk like me.

 But remember, it was "Saint Bill" who actually wrote those words we hear at every meeting: "We are NOT saints." 

So we'll have to step back here and remember that Bill W. - who gave us so much - was a garden variety drunk just like all the rest of us. 

Sure he was inspired - many say God inspired - when he and Dr. Bob put our incredible program of recovery together.  And there is no doubt both men were highly intelligent, strong-minded, high-achieving individuals. But the same can be said of many other AA members. 

The difference is, our founders recognized that to stay sober they had to let go of any hint of being victims.

When we were still ignorant about addiction we were victims of its power, but we are no longer ignorant so we are no longer victims. No matter what we've lived through, we're still here. That makes us survivors who are now working on becoming better people. Our history has taken us from victimhood to victory. 

By climbing our steps of recovery we get to the places offering life's finest views. 

So the moment we fall back into old behaviors and start playing the blame game it's time to rein ourselves in. We do it by looking at our part in whatever situation is causing us unrest.

 

Because, clearly, the statement - "Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us" - offers no loopholes. 

Regardless of what is happening around us, or to us, we have the responsibility to look only at our part. Others may seem unreasonable, but - just as holding onto resentments is dangerous for us - so is holding onto the blame game. 

We must own our part in any life problems we're experiencing.

                                     Easy to do? 

                                           Nope.

But when we do our Tenth Step nightly inventory we will start to see our part in our problems with others. It is where we learn we must stop judging others and ourselves. 

So put your stick away - the one you beat yourself up with - and start acknowledging you have good qualities, too. 

(Yes, this means you).

We are not always in the wrong, but our self-respect will be enhanced every time we act on the phrase: "... when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

Our Tenth Step work teaches us the person who is upsetting us the most is our best teacher!!! Our goal is to mentally thank that person for offering us so much to learn about ourselves. 

(I'll be working on this one till the day I die, but I'm better at it than I used to be. Progress, not perfection).

The 12&12 states that everyone, even us,"Are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong," and urges us to develop tolerance so we can learn "... what real love for our fellows actually means."

When we don't learn from our mistakes we remain driven by them. Freedom is the absolute discovery of the joy to be found in living our own way - but in a better way.  

Freedom is actually obedience to our inner Higher Self, the One seeking expression through us. 

The program of AlAnon, made up of those amazing souls who have to deal with us drunks (wet or dry), while maintaining their own peace of mind, teaches that everyone is to some extent emotionally ill.

One of the AlAnon sayings is: 

"Don't take anyone's inventory but your own."

It's great advice! 

 

Do you know anyone who is physically, mentally or spiritually perfect? I don't and I don't expect I ever will.  So if "they" aren't perfect and "we" aren't perfect, how can we expect emotional sobriety unless we learn to cut everyone some slack? 

The best way I've found is to begin treating others as I would like them to treat me - as that high-valued metal "rule"suggests. It's pretty much the gold standard for finding emotional sobriety.

 

Made A Decision

                         Letting Go of the Past

AA tells us: One Day at a Time.

The Bible tells us: Sufficient unto the day are the evils therein.

Our Brains Tell Us ... I was such a horrible person yesterday.

AA is advising us that living in today, and not in the past or future, will keep us sane. The Bible is also telling us to live in, and deal with, what’s happening today. And our brains tell us to ignore all that free wisdom and focus on our ego-driven selves.

We can NOT change any action we took yesterday. We can make an amend if necessary if one is needed for something we did yesterday, but we can not change what we did yesterday. For that matter we can't change what we did one minute ago, or one second ago. 

It's done. Finished.

Learning to accept that and let it go is our challenge. And it's not an easy thing for the mentally ill to do.

 Alcoholism is a three-fold illness of the mind, body and spirit, and an illness "of the mind" is, by definition, a mental illness. But, while we usually acknowledge alcoholism physically kicked our ass, and that we certainly didn't invite God in much for directions on how to live during our drinking days, we mostly want to deny that mental illness part.

"Nothing wrong with my brain, thank you very much," was certainly my attitude when I was first told about the mental illness component of our disease.

Over time, however, I've not only accepted it, I've embraced it. Knowing I am mentally ill explains so much about my past behavior. And it helps me to correct it when still necessary, without feeling the need to beat myself up over it. 

Knowing I am mentally ill helps me understand why I can sometimes have a perfectly lovely day, go to bed for the night and wake up wanting to kill someone - maybe even me.That's my mental illness front and center. AA has given me the tools I've needed to start my day over (as many times as is necessary) to get me out of that dangerous funk.

Our Big Book, on Page 30 (4th Edition), tells us:  "The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."

Then there's depression. Being of a depressive state of mind I can also wake up, and quite often do, with negative thoughts pushing and shoving themselves for precedence in my brain. 

My sponsor says that's common, that our brains often wake up with a "Ding, Ding, Ding - You've got mail" message about how useless we are, how better we should be, how we'll never amount to anything, and other such falsehoods. 

The key, as my sponsor explains, is "just don't open the damned mail."

So now, when those grim early thoughts wake up with me, I just say "Ding, Ding, Ding - Nope, not opening it," and then choose a positive thought of gratitude to start my day. 

Try it if you need to. It works every time for me!

Bill W. suffered from depression for many years even after achieving sobriety, having his last bout of it in 1955. In a letter that year he wrote: 

I used to be ashamed of my condition and so didn't talk about it. But nowadays I freely confess I am a depressive, and this has attracted other depressives to me. Working with them has helped a great deal. That is always the way out, working with others, sharing where we are, gets us out of our own mental problems better than anything else. When in doubt, reach out to another alcoholic - either for help or to offer help.  As for the past. We must leave our past, and the past of others, behind us. Why run bad memories we can't change through our heads over and over again? They are done. Finished. Kaput.  If we still have an amend to make from our past, we can make it and set ourselves free. And the sooner we do that, the better. We are then able to embrace the day we're in and look forward to a better future. Today - now - is the only time there is.  Live it fully - one wonderful sober day at a time.

 

Made A Decision

                    Self-Seeking Will Slip Away

Ever seen a "roaring drunk" in action? 

Ever been one? 

Self-discipline isn't any alcoholic's strong suit. When drunk, we behaved like rebellious, dangerous, overgrown toddlers - alienating friends, foes, and loved ones alike in the process.

Self-centered to the extreme upon arrival into AA, we so easily dismiss all of that in our early recovery. After all, we're on the right track now, aren't we? Why don't our loved ones seem to recognize it and give us some credit?

Maybe it's because when drunk we smashed holes in walls, wrecked furniture, broke their treasured belongings, said vicious unforgivable things, forgot events important to them, frightened them, shamed them and sometimes even hit them. 

Drunks do all of that - and worse. Those who suffer at our hands remember those things, because - unlike us -  their minds were usually not fogged by alcohol. 

It takes time, sometimes a very long time, for them to forgive our drunken history (if ever) - or trust that our sobriety will continue. 

But we don't know all that at first. 

In the beginning of our recovery it's all about the all-important me, me, me. 

We arrive in AA self-centered to the extreme. 

All of us!

I fought every single change our program requires of us when I first got here. 

That's because I took offence easily, argued incessantly, gossiped outrageously, dated inappropriately, ate lots of junk food, went on crash diets, resented my sponsor's advice, sulked, whined, until finally - 

slowly and reluctantly, dragging my feet every step of the way - I began to grow up.

In most of our meetings we hear "How It Works" read from Chapter Five in our Big Book. Go now to where that reading leaves off and read on from there. 

That was me when I got to AA; I suspect you may identify, too.

Self-will run riot is our modus operandi when we get into recovery. We arrive with the maturity level of the age at which we began our drinking and drugging. It doesn't matter if by then we have teenagers of our own, we're at their same emotional level, or even much younger because our immature behavior forced them to grow up sooner. 

And we all know what fun teenagers can sometimes be to be around! Sulky, moody, sarcastic, socially awkward and otherwise difficult. 

That's who we are when we arrive in AA. 

AA is where we finally get to grow up. 

All of us!

But, like everything else in recovery, it takes time and practice to learn (over and over again) tolerance, patience, and kindness until these become our new way of life. 

It takes time to become less critical, more positive. It takes time to control our impulses to "blow off steam" in ways that harm others. 

Learning to quiet our minds, to become our best friend rather than our worst enemy, is the goal. 

I'm glad I remember my own early AA behavior, because I am never surprised when newcomers tell me one thing and do another. 

When they agree they probably shouldn't be in a relationship right away and shag someone new that same week. 

When they complain that this member or that isn't doing their fair share of work in the group. 

When they arch a cynical eyebrow at an old-timer's suggestions in a meeting.

When they overthink everything, especially the God thing.

But I'm never amused when I see them setting themselves up to take their toys and go home. Because "home" to an alcoholic means a return to the bottle.  And for us to drink means to die.

Staying in recovery means growth and change, but thankfully we can grow and change at our own pace. 

               We have the choice to learn how to surrender our will to our Higher Power on a daily basis - or - remain slaves to our self-will by demanding everything go our way.

"Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly."

By staying sober and continuing to Do-the-Doing we eventually become the wonderful human beings we were meant to become at the start of our lives. 

So the best thing we can do is to relax, to understand that recovery is a journey of discovery and not a one size fits all (in a hurry) destination. 

Finally, we must all learn to follow AA's Rule 62: 

"Don't take yourself too damn seriously."

You'll find that rule in our literature.

 Go find it. 

Learn something today!

 

Made a Decision

      AA History 101 - and - our Primary Purpose!

It's so easy for us to take AA for granted and forget that it's one of the most amazing societies ever established. 

There's a political axiom that states, "Those who don't know their history are doomed to repeat it," and without an understanding of what AA's founders did for us we could still so easily lose it.

What? 

AA is a worldwide organization. Everyone, even non-members, know that it works and works well. How could it ever come to an end? 

AA could end the same way our bodies, groups, religions, or democracies end - when people ignore the signs that dis-ease is setting in and do nothing to try and save it.

In my children's lifetime the women of Iran could go to the beach wearing the modern one-piece and two-piece bathing suits of that time. None of those carefree beach goers could have imagined they would soon not be able to legally go anywhere unless covered from head to toe; that their secular country would become an extremist Islamic state.

How easily - and quickly - freedom can be lost!

When I don't vote in an election I disrespect all the women who suffered, even died, that I might be able to vote. And when I am not willing to give back what was so freely given to me by those who pioneered our fellowship, the same applies.

When enough of us let others do all our group and 12-step work, or can't be bothered to accept any service positions, or don't take time to study our literature, or work the steps, or sponsor others, or establish educational workshops  ... we not only put our own sobriety at risk, we threaten AA's very survival.

There are some terrific books out there about AA's history beyond what's in our Big Book, including "Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers;" "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age;" "Not God: a History of Alcoholics Anonymous;" the "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," and many more. 

Have a google. You're sure to find a title to interest you. You'll also get more than a few chuckles, and lots of identification with our earliest members, when you read any of them. 

You'll learn that our personal escape hatch from hell began in June, 1935, when two late-stage alcoholics first met and shared their drinking experiences with one another. One was the New York stockbroker we know as Bill W. The other, Dr. Bob, was a physician in Akron Ohio.

Six months before that fateful meeting, Bill W., sobering up from yet another near-fatal binge, had a sudden spiritual experience following a conversation with a one-time drinking buddy who had become sober after joining The Oxford Group. 

Before AA began many alcoholics had been helped in that Christian fellowship which offered a pattern for living similar to the 12-steps. Bill and his wife, Lois, soon became members, but broke with the group in 1937. (Or as Lois put it, they were "kicked out" for focusing too much on alcoholism and not enough on Christ.).

Bill was also helped by Dr. William D. Silkworth, a New York doctor who was able to convince Bill of the deadly nature of Bill's alcoholic drinking obsession, along with urging him to rely on a spiritual force to help get him sober. 

Silkworth wasn't part of the Oxford Group, but he was convinced they were right about everyone's need for a moral inventory, confession of past wrongs, making amends to those harmed, service to others, and the need for a belief and reliance in God.

While on a business trip in Ohio when just a few months sober, Bill was stricken with a sudden powerful urge to drink. While struggling to not give in to that craving, he had the sudden thought that he needed another alcoholic to talk with - and that the other alcoholic also needed him! 

A series of rapid Godshots later found him talking with Dr. Bob, who had himself been trying desperately to stop drinking. Seated at the doctor's kitchen table, Bill shared with him his experience, strength and hope - and AA was born. 

The doctor in turn sponsored countless other drunks in his effort to safeguard his own sobriety. He found his only relief from his obsessive drinking-thoughts (lasting for several years after he put "the plug in the jug") came when he was carrying the message of recovery to others.

Our two founders - fearful what they had so wonderfully found might just as easily easily slip away, threw themselves day and night into building a fellowship of other drunks around them. 

They took detoxing boozers into their own homes to dry them out. They held meetings in their living rooms. They made calls on alcoholics in hospitals or locked in mental hospitals and jails. They non-stop walked the walk and talked the talk of apostles to anyone in need of AA's message. Their wives helped the partners and children of those alcoholics they helped, so the program of AlAnon grew right along with AA. 

Medical help was on their side, too. Dr. Bob had hospital access and a friendship there with a nurse who became another early influence in the growing AA program, the Catholic nun Sister Ignatia. Although neither of our founders were Roman Catholic, both were Christians with an ever-strengthening faith in God as they saw the many miracles daily happening around them. 

Sister Ignatia supported their efforts with her own practical faith. She also knew Dr. Bob shared her reliance on God, noting, "Some people who were on the program for a length of time would come up to him and say, 'I don't get the spiritual angle.' And I heard him say time and again, 'There is no spiritual angle. It's a spiritual program'."

But Bill W. and Dr. Bob also knew their audience. They knew the resistance many alcoholics had to believing there even was a God, much less a God who would help and not condemn them. Many of those early members were dead set against religion of any kind, although most were open (with reservations and suspicions) to the concept of spirituality.  

The "God idea" became a real struggle between AA earliest members during the writing of our Big Book. The problem, they said, was that even those with faith also had backgrounds in differing theologies, so how could everyone in AA possibly agree regarding religion?

Then Bill proposed to them the concept spoken by his old drinking-buddy-turned-sober during their own earlier life-changing conversation: "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?" Slowly, the heads around the table nodded.

That phrase became "God as you understand Him," and AA's key sales pitch for seeking a spiritual life to stop drinking was soon adopted. 

The word God (or words meaning God) is found 281 times in the first 164 pages of the Big Book. Our Founders gave God full credit for their own recovery. They were strongly influenced in this by the teachings of an Episcopal clergyman, Sam Shoemaker. 

It was Dr. Silkworth who gave AA important knowledge about alcoholism as an illness, but it was Shoemaker who offered our Founders knowledge of what could be done to recover from it. His teachings helped form AA's core program as embodied in our 12 steps.

Or, as it was expressed in the book Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age (pgs 38 & 39) - One showed us the mysteries of the lock that held us in prison; the other passed on the spiritual keys by which we were liberated.

There were money struggles in the beginning, too. While some members dreamed big dreams of establishing AA treatment centers, hospitals and even AA communities. Others, suffering from regret over money they had once wasted on booze, fought to keep expenditures and ambitions to the minimum.

Many upheavals over money attended AA's early days until eventually our Traditions got hammered out and adopted. For those interested, just read the section about the Traditions in our 12 & 12, and then go on to some of the other books listed earlier.

During and right after World War II, Dr. Bob and Bill W. continued their virtually non-stop work to keep AA going and growing. They wrote many letters to one another during that time with messages like this one: 

We must think deeply of all those sick ones still to come to A.A. As they try to make their return to faith and to life, we want them to find everything in A.A. that we have found, and yet more, if that be possible. 

No care, no vigilance, no effort to preserve A.A.'s constant effectiveness and spiritual strength will ever be too great to hold us in full readiness for the day of their homecoming.

AA's founders finally started to relax a bit about AA's ability to survive in the 1950s. In a letter at that time one wrote: 

It seems proved that A.A. can stand on its own feet anywhere and under any conditions. It has outgrown any dependence it might once have had upon the personalities or efforts of a few of the older members like me. New, able, and vigorous people keep coming to the surface, turning up where they are needed. Besides, A.A. has reached enough spiritual maturity to know that its final dependence is upon God.

AA has since survived many challenges and changes, like its influx of women and drug addicts in the 1970s and 1980s, people sentenced to attend meetings by the United States courts in the 1980s and 1990s, younger and younger members arriving in the early 2000 years, and the rapid leap from in-person to Zoom meetings during the recent worldwide Covid pandemic. 

All these have rocked AA's boat, some quite violently, but our adherence to our Traditions has kept us safe. Unity and service keep AA together. Without it we lose our focus and our ability to fulfill our primary purpose of helping those still suffering alcoholics. 

Or as Bill W. himself once said: 

 The Oxford group wanted to save the world and I only wanted to save drunks.

Long may Bill's goal continue. 

Do your part!