OKaysez

 

Made A Decision

                         Letting Go of the Past

AA tells us: One Day at a Time.

The Bible tells us: Sufficient unto the day are the evils therein.

Our Brains Tell Us ... I was such a horrible person yesterday.

AA is advising us that living in today, and not in the past or future, will keep us sane. The Bible is also telling us to live in, and deal with, what’s happening today. And our brains tell us to ignore all that free wisdom and focus on our ego-driven selves.

We can NOT change any action we took yesterday. We can make an amend if necessary if one is needed for something we did yesterday, but we can not change what we did yesterday. For that matter we can't change what we did one minute ago, or one second ago. 

It's done. Finished.

Learning to accept that and let it go is our challenge. And it's not an easy thing for the mentally ill to do.

 Alcoholism is a three-fold illness of the mind, body and spirit, and an illness "of the mind" is, by definition, a mental illness. But, while we usually acknowledge alcoholism physically kicked our ass, and that we certainly didn't invite God in much for directions on how to live during our drinking days, we mostly want to deny that mental illness part.

"Nothing wrong with my brain, thank you very much," was certainly my attitude when I was first told about the mental illness component of our disease.

Over time, however, I've not only accepted it, I've embraced it. Knowing I am mentally ill explains so much about my past behavior. And it helps me to correct it when still necessary, without feeling the need to beat myself up over it. 

Knowing I am mentally ill helps me understand why I can sometimes have a perfectly lovely day, go to bed for the night and wake up wanting to kill someone - maybe even me.That's my mental illness front and center. AA has given me the tools I've needed to start my day over (as many times as is necessary) to get me out of that dangerous funk.

Our Big Book, on Page 30 (4th Edition), tells us:  "The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."

Then there's depression. Being of a depressive state of mind I can also wake up, and quite often do, with negative thoughts pushing and shoving themselves for precedence in my brain. 

My sponsor says that's common, that our brains often wake up with a "Ding, Ding, Ding - You've got mail" message about how useless we are, how better we should be, how we'll never amount to anything, and other such falsehoods. 

The key, as my sponsor explains, is "just don't open the damned mail."

So now, when those grim early thoughts wake up with me, I just say "Ding, Ding, Ding - Nope, not opening it," and then choose a positive thought of gratitude to start my day. 

Try it if you need to. It works every time for me!

Bill W. suffered from depression for many years even after achieving sobriety, having his last bout of it in 1955. In a letter that year he wrote: 

I used to be ashamed of my condition and so didn't talk about it. But nowadays I freely confess I am a depressive, and this has attracted other depressives to me. Working with them has helped a great deal. That is always the way out, working with others, sharing where we are, gets us out of our own mental problems better than anything else. When in doubt, reach out to another alcoholic - either for help or to offer help.  As for the past. We must leave our past, and the past of others, behind us. Why run bad memories we can't change through our heads over and over again? They are done. Finished. Kaput.  If we still have an amend to make from our past, we can make it and set ourselves free. And the sooner we do that, the better. We are then able to embrace the day we're in and look forward to a better future. Today - now - is the only time there is.  Live it fully - one wonderful sober day at a time.