Made a Decision

                   The Courage to Change

                    Courage is the willingness to accept fear and act anyway.

It takes courage to face the harsh fact that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. 

Facing the truth about our addiction wasn't easy, nor is the process of embracing a new way of life without alcohol, but once we've made that decision a new and better way of living can begin.

The best news is that our Higher Power hands out courage like gumdrops to those who actively ask for it - and then apply it. We don't have to face any of the changes required of us in sobriety alone. 

Alcohol is a depressant. Our drinking life became a life of depression. Today we are too blessed to be depressed. And it was/is being willing to change that sets us free.

As  Bill W. said way back in 1965: 

Let us never fear needed change ... once a need becomes clearly apparent in an individual, in a group, or in A.A. as a whole, it has long since been found out that we cannot stand still and look the other way. The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.

And what does changing to get and stay sober entail?  At its most basic it means we make a daily commitment to remaining sober. 

For some that means asking our Higher Power for sobriety each morning upon awakening, and thanking Him that night for our having had another sober day.

Many AA members devote a considerable amount of time to prayer and meditation to get their day started right. Others just check in with their Higher Power throughout the day as needed. 

Meetings become a priority and we list in our daily planner which ones we'll be attending that day. We'll list our AA service commitments there, too. 

Hanging out with our friends in recovery is also important. They need our support after all ... and we need theirs! Our AA friendships -  formed on the anvil of learning how to actually be a good friend - are a vital component of staying sober in our early sobriety. It is where we learn (quite possibly for the first time ever) that friends are not required to be our clones. It is where we begin to learn to appreciate our differences or at least to begin embracing the concept of acceptance!

We all have different opinions, different ways of living, and different ways of working our program. But as long as we're staying sober and doing our best to help others, all of that is OK. 

In fact, it's as it should be. 

      As Bill W. himself also said - 

        Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. 

This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives. Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built.

A drinking life is not a normal life. When we drink heavily our bodies take real punishment. Drunks don't eat properly, sleep well, and we live in continual mental turmoil. Excessive alcohol intake physically causes our brains to actually swell, so we go through our drinking life "thinking" with a swollen brain. No wonder we used to make some pretty bad decisions! 

A few weeks into sobriety we will begin to  notice the difference as our minds clear up and our bodies start to relax. By the time we approach our second sober anniversary we'll probably have more mental and physical energy than we've ever had before.

Progressing in sobriety has been compared to building a house. First the foundation is poured by quitting drinking. Then rooms are added one by one as we begin to work the steps and practice the program.  Over time our building skills vastly improve and we are able to furnish our homes comfortably.

 I also like the analogy of living sober being a lot like baking a cake. We read a recipe, add the ingredients in order, mix it thoroughly, bake it for a period of time and - voila - we get a cake.

 In recovery we read the Big Book (recipe), do what it suggests in order, stir it around though every experience life offers us, and then "bake" it one sober day at a time until - voila - we find ourselves living our sober life, that one "beyond our wildest dreams." 

When we arrived in AA a sober life seemed like an impossible dream. It felt unnatural. But as our sober journey progresses we marvel that we ever sought escape in a bottle - or anything else.

Fact - No comfort can be found in "what was" once "what was" has became a death sentence.

Fact - We can't make any progress without making decisions.

Fact - Our program of recovery gives us a blueprint on How to Change for the better.

 

Fact -  Change offers us power.

Fact - Life is about movement. It is meant to be exciting and adventurous.

So go now and live yourself a factual sober life! 

Because all this works - when we work it!

 

Made A Decision

                                            Turn It Over

AA is all a bit confusing at first.

There's all that friendliness to deal with: "Hi, I'm Bill, Welcome!"

Encouragement: "You are the most important person in this room" ... "Keep coming back!"

Instructions: "You'll need to find a sponsor to take you through the Steps" ... "Read the Big Book" ... "Take it One Day at a Time."

Most of us respond with wariness or relief, fear or hope, confusion or willingness ... or something in between. But as long as we keep coming back, it soon all falls comfortably into place.

That first powerless-over-alcohol-step was the big one. The one we had to accept 100 percent, even though many of us weren't yet even sure we were alcoholics. (I was one of those). Coming to understand our powerlessness can take us a bit of time. 

And that's OK, as long as we keep attending meetings to listen and learn. 

The second step immediately gave us a loophole, in that "came to believe" wording. 

"Whew," past tense, we won't have to "come to believe" right away, we thought. 

Then - right on its heels - that Third Step arrived, instructing us to turn our will and our life over to that Higher Power, the one we weren't even sure we believed in yet!

How in the Hell are we supposed to be able to do that???

It's was easier than we could believe at first. As it says in our wonderful 12 & 12 book:

No matter how one wishes to try, exactly how can he turn his own will and his own life over to the care of whatever God he thinks there is? A beginning, even the smallest, is all that is needed.

Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more.

Though self-will may slam it shut again, as it frequently does, it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness.

Many of us arrive in AA with a belly full of fed up about God. And our program makes it clear there is no need to have a personal deity to stay sober. There are many agnostics and atheists in AA with long term sobriety.

The only requirement for any of us is to acknowledge our inability to "control" our drinking and accept there may be something more powerful than us for help with that. 

Recovery is a journey, not a destination. The spiritual path is our never-ending story. We learn as we go and we never stop learning. That's why you'll find old farts like me still attending meetings after decades of sober living. "More will be revealed" - remains absolutely true. 

"Wanting what we want when we want it" is part of our alcoholic wiring. Our early superiority complex (hiding our second inferiority one) tells us, "I've got this sobriety thing," even when we have just barely begun our spiritual journey.

And if we are staying sober, we have indeed "got this" - but we've got this for today only. 

Learning that, internalising it, is part of the spiritual rewiring that takes place in recovery OVER TIME. Our lifetime of self-centeredness can't be reversed all at once. There are many things to be learned and rebellion can dog our every step at first.

 Newsflash - that's normal!

There's a funeral involved on our graduation day from AA, so I'm personally in no hurry to get there! Recovery is an adventure. It's interesting, challenging, and much of it (but not all) is downright fun. And the more we turn things over to our Higher Power for higher guidance, the easier it becomes!

An alcoholic can never get well, if by "well" we mean being able to safely drink again. But can we stay sober? Absolutely. We can stay sober every day for the rest of our lives - as long as we do it in manageable one-day-at-a-time chunks.

We first turn our drinking problem (and eventually every other problem) over to a Power greater than us. Millions ask that Power every morning to keep us sober and thank that Power at bedtime for another sober day. It never fails us when we do it, or at least that has been my own experience. You can easily make it your experience, too.

Our Big Book states:

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't.

Our spiritual path is an individual one, lived collectively. We get guidance from our literature, our sponsor, and our AA friends, but we don't find God by reading or word of mouth. We learn - and earn - our faith by living it in our own individual way, although honesty and carrying the message is always involved. 

AA eventually brought me to a personal God, a companion for my life journey that I can trust to look out for me. It didn't happen overnight.

It didn't happen quickly. I traveled up and down many spiritual by-paths before becoming comfortable with my own quirky, humorous, tough-love, ever-present God.

I am gradually learning to want God's will for me above all else. This requires prayer and meditation on my part to - little by slowly - gain more spiritual understandings.

 I block God's communication with me when I allow my inherent selfishness, dishonesty, fear or resentment to reappear and settle in. Steps 10 and 11 protect me from that.

 I'll never reach spiritual perfection (damnit), but I can work on improving.

Letting go of our pride allows our Higher Power to get hands-on in dealing with any problems we may face. We can learn to upload our problems on to broader shoulders. Serenity then becomes part of our daily bread. And joy butters it.

Does God speak to me? Yes, but seldom directly. (He did once, very early in my sobriety, and it - literally - scared the Hell out of me.) Instead I get nudges, whispers in the wind, conversations with AA friends and my sponsor, many magnificent displays from nature, and in songs and books that clearly address my own issues. 

God’s subtle ways of communication are surely true for each of us. We only need to pay attention, and life is our school.

The Big Big Book (Bible) gives us the tale of the son who tired of living the life of a wastrel and returned to his family. At the end of the story, the father of that Prodigal Son says: "He was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found."  We alcoholics who have found sobriety in A.A. were certainly in that same category, and it is God - "the Father" - who restores us to our real, sober selves.

All of us have surely felt the Divine Presence at the seaside, under a spectacular night sky, hiking in breathtaking mountain scenery or planting in our own gardens? I know that I have.

I've also felt God in a handful of meetings over the years, present as a Force so powerful it changed the hearts and minds of everyone there, including mine.

Keep coming back.

 

Made A Decision

                                       Freedom from Fear

AA has a lot of glib talkers. People so afflicted will sometimes say things that aren't true in pursuit of a better story. They will claim recovery has taught them to never lie, or that they no longer lose their tempers, or to have any fears about anything.

Hearing such blanket statements should activate our bullshit alarm.

True, we may no longer tell lies in every other sentence. We may also not rage at people anymore, but watch what happens when those who now never lose their tempers stub their toe.

As for losing all fear, remember Bill Wilson himself said:

The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion - well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear.

Fear is a big one for us drunks. Many of us (most?) drank mainly to escape the fears that plagued us, that kept us awake in the wee hours and dogged our footsteps throughout every day. Drink let us escape them for awhile, so drink we did.

As it says in the 12 & 12:

At heart we had all been abnormally fearful. It mattered little whether we had sat on the shore of life drinking ourselves into forgetfulness or had plunged in recklessly and willfully beyond our depth and ability. The result was the same - all of us had nearly perished in a sea of alcohol.

What were we afraid of?

  Failure; Risk; Pain; Loneliness; Rejection; Intimacy; Abandonment; Appearing or sounding stupid; God's punishment; Poverty; Being homeless; What others might think; Doctors, Being exploited; Missing our one big chance in life; Flying; Leaving our house; Being laughed at; Making mistakes; Lawyers; Wrong decisions; Travel; Loss; Dangerous weather; Spiders; Diseases; Dentists  ... name it, we've feared it.

And we can still fear many of those things named above - and more - long into our recovery. The major difference is, we no longer have to drink over them.

When we first face the daunting task of writing a 4th Step, knowing it will be followed by a 5th Step, most of us are instantly filled with fear.

 Who wants to shine a spotlight on our darker deeds? 

And who on earth would want to share that knowledge with anyone??? 

Our pride and ego are in for a real hit in doing steps Four and Five - but the mental freedom that follows is the gateway to overcoming fear and finding courage.

 And it takes courage to stick with a sober journey. It is virtually impossible to progress along the spiritual path without it. But courage is not the absence of fear, it is the willingness to move forward despite it. 

Fears create most of our most insane thoughts and moments. Whenever we're anxious, hyper, or sleepless in Seattle (or elsewhere), we might consider pondering if there is a fear happening beneath it all. Often there is.

Fear gives us fluttering stomach butterflies when we are asked to share our story in an AA meeting. Courage then takes a deep breath, shares its experience, strength and hope, and in so doing set those butterflies free to fly away while we are actively helping others. 

We gain courage from the examples set by others in our fellowship. We gain confidence, hope and security just by being in a meeting and listening to others share their experiences.

We hear a lot of acronyms for F.E.A.R. in meetings:

False Expectations Appearing Real ...  

Frustration, Ego, Anxiety, Resentment ... 

And, my personal favorite: Fuck Everything And Run.

Much of our recovery deals with letting go of fear.  We do so by learning to rely on the God of our understanding, on our program, on each other, and eventually on ourselves.

Becoming less fearful takes time in recovery, just like every other part of sober living. And just when we think we maybe - just maybe - have got a handle on this fear thing, we get new things to be fearful about - like losing our health, or old age, or how the world will manage to survive after we die.

 But as my first sponsor used to often tell me, "God didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head." 

(I must still remind myself of that from time to time.)

Author C.S. Lewis once pointed out what we all learn over and over again in AA:  "Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done."

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

Recovery requires us to learn to be responsible for - and to control - our thoughts. Our Higher Power stands ready to help us with that when we say (often!) that quiet and powerful prayer, "Thy will, not mine, be done."

When we were drinking we made a lot of foxhole prayers - "Dear God please get me out of this mess and I promise I will never, ever, drink again." But learning how to pray in sobriety is the real deal.This is where we can actually connect with that Higher Power who wants our sobriety every bit as much as we do, and then some.

 God doesn't want or need lengthy petitions. He already knows what we want and, as long as sobriety is at the top of our lengthy WANT list, He will absolutely supply our every NEED.

We alcoholics are not alone in living in troubling times in a troubled world. While the pursuit of material success and possessions remains the focus of many, we find success by seeking spiritual direction through the continual working of our 12-steps. Doing so deepens our faith, which then calms and quiets our minds.

Our Big Book tells us: 

Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. We hear in our meetings - The solution is simple. The solution is spiritual.

Our AA founders knew this. Sister Ignatia, the nurse who worked closely with Dr. Bob, pointed out: 

There was one thing that always irritated (the) Doctor. Some people who were on the program for a length of time would come up to him and say, "I don't get the spiritual angle." I heard him say time and again, "There is no spiritual angle. It's a spiritual program."

We attempt to learn spiritual principles because we must, once we understand that our recovery is a live or die situation.
Eventually we accept sticking to our spiritual path, because we've learned it makes our life easier.

And when the road signs found along our spiritual path eventually read "Joyous," "Happy" and "Free," we will have finally learned living a life of obedience to our Higher Power is truly life's easier, softer way.