Made a Decision
As an alcoholic I would rather talk than think.
As an alcoholic I would rather pray than meditate.
As an alcoholic I will usually put off meditation until I can’t put it off any longer.
The above pretty much sums me up in a nutshell.
(It’s no accident that I use the word “nutshell” here, either! This “nut” has always had a tough shell to crack, but fortunately my HP doesn’t hesitate to apply pressure when needed.)
My first thought about meditation is "I don't wanna."
It's the same thought I have when I know it's time to go to bed. And for the same reason.
My mind doesn't even begin to shut up for at least fifteen minutes of my trying to quiet it for meditative purposes.
Sleep takes much, much longer. Sometimes it never arrives at all.
Some days my mind never shuts up at all, either. It will start to settle down for a bit and then flare up again. And even though I have occasionally had wonderfully quiet moments, where undulating colors moved visibly and slowly in my head, those times are rare indeed. Meditation is just very hard for my monkey mind to adjust to.
I try to get comfortable.
My nose itches.
I sit relaxed, eyes shut.
My neck hurts.
I focus on breathing in … and breathing out ... waiting for my mind to be quiet.
“Natter, natter, natter,” my mind says.
“BE QUIET,” I think.
“NATTER, NATTER, NATTER,” my mind replies.
And so it goes until I accept that’s probably just what my mind is going to meditate on today, my natter natter thoughts.
For a long old time in recovery I would quit trying to meditate after days like that. I’d resolve to give it another go at a later date. Often that date would turn out to be a much later date.
I have tackled my meditation problem many times. I've tried TM (Transcendental Meditation); meditation during yoga; Getting into the Gap for meditation (complete with CD to get me there); have watched YouTube instructions, and have pretty much used every meditation technique for dummies I could get my hands on. Even so, when I sit down to meditate, it remains a crap shoot.
But I do it, and even though my ability remains imperfect, I refuse to should on myself about that.
One of these days I will probably be a powerful daily meditator, because living a sober spiritual life demands continuous action.
It’s really easy to procrastinate about this meditation thing, though,
because procrastination is the addict’s default position:
“I’ll quit drinking tomorrow.”
“I’ll find a sponsor soon.”
“I’ll think about creating a healthy diet for myself later.”
“One of these days I’ll quit smoking and vaping.”
“I really should do more service work in AA.”
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, that’s our game.
The sad thing is that behavior not only keeps pain in our lives, it attracts more pain to us.
Our literature tells us Prayer is asking a question; meditation is listening to the answer.
Recovery strives to teach us to slow down.
Meditation, at least in part, teaches us how to slow down.
When we are with others we need to be with them wholeheartedly.
But when we are by ourselves we learn to be alone with God.
We learn to slow down by taking time out.
And Meditation helps us learn what the presence of God feels like.
So, of course, I continue to try to spend time quieting myself, getting centered, becoming relieved of my own tiresome, worrisome, obsessive thoughts.
Of course I do.
Of course we must.
I have also come to believe there is no such thing as a “bad” meditation.
Like prayer, about which it is said, “trying to pray is praying,” I think the same applies to meditating.
Mostly my end game is to just sit and do my best to be quiet. I try to think about God (not pray to God), while searching for answers to questions I've read we might ask during meditation, like: What is my gift to share? What is trying to be revealed in my life? What is my purpose in life today? Why am I still here on this planet? I listen for answers, both then and in the hours and days that follow.
Answers do arrive and they arrive in God's time. (God has waaaaaaaay more patience than I do, but patience remains one of my life lessons yet to be fully learned).
Our literature, tongue in cheek, tells us how long we need to meditate for every day, too:
Daily meditation for about 20 minutes is recommended for all in recovery; unless, of course, you’re very busy, – then you should meditate for an hour.
There's this guidance from the Big Book, written when our members were still just in the hundreds. Our numbers are in the millions today, but the same applies:
When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith.
The 12 & 12 offers: Meditation is something which can always be further developed. It has no boundaries, either of width or height. Aided by such instruction and example as we can find, it is essentially an individual adventure, something which each one of us works out in his own way.
Google informs us that: The word meditation is mentioned 37 times in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is also specifically called out in Step 11. However, many AA members struggle to embrace the concept of meditation for alcoholics.
As one of those who has struggled, I can also tell you it’s worth the struggle.
There truly is more to our life than increasing its speed.
So even if meditation is as difficult for you as it has always been for me, try to meditate.
Imperfect as I remain I’m still a satisfied customer, because the rewards are many.
Besides, I’ll bet you’ll be a lot better at meditation than I am.
One of AA’s well-known gurus, author Chuck Chamberlin, once wrote:
You can have a God-centered life and suffer the consequences, or you can have a Self-centered life and suffer the consequences.
There are always consequences for our actions and meditation brings us consequences, too. It brings us good ones.
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