Made A Decision

 

We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.

                 (The Talmud)

 

                                    Our Disease of Perception

We read in our A.A. literature and we hear in meetings that we have a disease

 of perception. What does that mean?

It means we alcoholics do not see things as they actually are.

We see things as WE are.

 

a.     So, when we are angry, judgmental, envious, jealous, fearful or full of pride, our view of the

 world - and everything in it - will reflect that perception.

 

b.    Conversely, if we are filled with gratitude, serenity, hope, joy, patience,

and willingness to get out of the way to let our Higher Power handle our problems, our world will reflect that perception.

 

Moving our thoughts from (a) to (b) - and keeping them there at least most

 of the time - is the aim and story of our entire recovery journey.

 

 I read just this morning a quote addressing this from our Big Book:

 

        This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.

That entire reading describes the progress of our journey from distorted 

thinking to reality. It is acomfort to know we don’t “get it” all right away.

 A brain damaged by the relentless application of alcohol and other drugs for years, often decades, doesn’t heal overnight.

But heal it will as we learn how to apply our program of recovery to living our lives.

I am often amazed, and occasionally even amused, at the resentments newcomers share with me about all manner of things, and by their inability

 to see their part in it.

But, as a newcomer once myself, I know I was exactly the same. I have my journals to prove it whenever I try to remember myself differently. My ability to always think of myself first is on every page in those first weeks, months and years of my recovery.

I’m rereading those journals at the moment as I research material for a family history. My absolute indifference to the needs of others if their needs got in my way is stunning. I am so grateful to A.A. that I don’t have to live that way today.

While my long-ago journals starkly reveal my glaring disease of perception,

 I can also remember thinking I was living the A.A. program beautifully back then. I certainly was living it to the best of my ability, but in rereading I can see that much of the time I was still full of every possible negative emotion.

I fought with other members. I got angry with my amazingly patient sponsor. I slammed out of meetings in fury. I gossiped about other members. I even, for

 an ego-ridden time, considered rewriting the “old fashioned” A.A. Big Book.

Amidst all that continuing old behavior I “perceived” myself justified in every thought and action, totally blind to my controlling nature, inflexibility, and the astonishing size of my inflated ego.

I was just as blind to the meaning behind the small smiles of A.A. old-timers when I waxed eloquent about my recovery in meetings. I then, you see, “perceived” those smiles as recognition of my superior recovery over others having my same length of sobriety.

When a meeting topic was “resentments,” I nodded in complete agreement

 at the dangers of harboring any resentment, completely oblivious I was harboring resentments for at least three people in every meeting.

If our discussion was about honesty I could contribute with enthusiasm 

and then tell three lies before I even left the building.

And so on.

So, if I could get past that kind of worldview, you can, too. Just don’t be impatient with yourself. 

A concert pianist doesn’t jump right from practicing the scales to concertos,

 and even they have days of playing music in the gaps between the keys and 

not on the keys themselves.

No one - ever - is perfect all the time.

That is especially true of this recovery thing.

(I know for sure I can still lose my temper with the best of them,

 I’m just usually - mostly - a lot "calmer” about it now.)

If we are staying sober we are right where we are supposed to be in our

 recovery today. By adding to our knowledge about what our program has

 to offer, by attending book study meetings, and hanging out with the

 winners in our program, we will soon be much further along our path

 to living that “life beyond our wildest dreams!”

Our Big Book says:

I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of 

my usefulness to you and my fellows.

By the time we take that step we will already have more understanding of our powerlessness and have made our decision about turning our will and lives

 over to the care of God as we understand Him.

We merely ask God to decide which defects stand in the way of our usefulness

 to Him and then ask Him to remove them. But once our HP is in charge, we don't get to decide which defects, or how soon, or in what order, they’ll get removed.

The same hands-off applies when we are in disharmony with anyone. We

 learn over time to pray forthose people who disturb us. Not that prayer where 

we ask God to “give them what they deserve”(as I certainly once did), but to say “God bless them,” and mean it.

Because over time we learn by blessing others - especially those others we don’t like - we become blessed tenfold in return.

If punishment of someone is called for, that's a God job. Trust me on this,

 God is far more creative than we can ever be for dishing out exactly what’s needed.

God is never late. It’s easy to doubt that sometimes when we see people

 prosper whom we think should be suffering, but we are not privy to what

 lies in their future. Our timing for punishment of others - or anything else - should be left to God’s timing.

As my brother once wisely told me, “God is on Eternal Time. We're often 

stuck in Daylight Savings.”

Do I have any hard feelings about other members or another A.A. group? 

Am I critical of the ways in which some group members think and act?

 Do I feel another member (or group) is wrong

 and broadcast it?

Or do I realize all A.A. members, in spite of any handicaps they may have, 

still have something to offer, some good they can bring to A.A.?

Do I believe that there is a place for all, provided they are following A.A. traditions? Do I realize they can be effective even if I don't agree with them?

 Am I tolerant of people and groups?

We learn, over time, and often after painful lessons, to understand the importance of these things. 

And we will learn the value of patience - with others

and, most importantly, with ourselves.

We see everything in one dimension and direction, but God sees all the way around. We act in haste, but God waits for the right moment to give us that perfect job, partner, house, car, or life experience. 

Patience!

Sure, we can crash through every door toward getting what we want

 right now, but learning to wait for God’s timing can save us from a lot

 of painful bruises.

 I speak from my impressively vast number of black and blue experiences.

(Very slow learner, me).

 

Newcomers worry a lot about what God is or what God isn’t, but seldom give nearly as much thought to their own purpose for even being alive. If we eventually conclude our flesh suit also has a soul, and that our purpose may involve lessons to educate that soul, we can then learn A.A. gives us all the

 tools needed to do that.

I’ve come to believe our spiritual progress gets delayed when we choose

 to focus on the needs and desires of our bodies over the needs and desires

 of our souls. We certainly need to look after our bodies, but our souls need nurturing, too.

We are told in A.A. that ours is a physical, mental and spiritual illness. The desperation we felt when we arrived at our first meeting was a huge

 symptom of our soul sickness. I was so soul-sick of myself

 and my way of living I could barely look at myself in a mirror.

 I don’t ever want to forget the condition

 I was in when I got here.

There’s no need for us to try and be perfectionist about our recovery, but

 we must become ‘completionists.'  If we start it, we must finish it. 

If we want to enjoy the best possible recovery, we must learn to recover.

 

It’s usually only our attitude that needs changing so that our perception of a given situation can change.

 Is that an easy fix?

 No. It takes practice. It takes daily practice.

But it is doable.

Daily effort to improve ourselves has consequences, too.

 

Learning to ignore most things is one of the greatest paths to inner peace. Surrendering our willfulness

 is often our first and greatest victory.

 As our Big Book states:

The only problems I have today are those I create when I break out

 in a rash of self-will.”

 

When I find myself complaining or blaming, I know I’m in trouble. Those

 two things can distort my perception, destroy my inner power completely 

and render me a victim, because these behaviors show me I am still expecting solutions and changes from others.

 

We must find our wisdom for ourselves - and apply it, which means seeking a broader clearer view. Years ago, to remind me that ours is a disease of perception, I hung a sign over my desk.

 

 It’s still there. 

              It reads:  Don't believe everything you think!

 

Made A Decision

I was never a social drinker. I was an anti-social drinker. - Roger L.

 

Living Sober Takes Practice

When we have for years turned to mind-altering-chemicals for dealing with life  - with alcohol being our big one - we don’t jump ship into sobriety easily. It takes time and practice to become comfortable with the very different high quality lifestyle sobriety offers us. 

We PRACTICE these principles in all our affairs.

 

In the beginning we have no idea how to even live a life without lots of high drama. We will often create situations to produce it just to elevate our comfort level.

 

We might start fights with our neighbors, gossip at work, shake our fists (or fingers) at other drivers, and angrily exit meetings - with or without leaving tire rubber in the parking lot. 

I know this, because I’ve done all of this - and much more. But as long as we don’t drink over any of it, it’s OK. Because we will learn - over time - that a life without high drama contains serenity. And serenity will truly - eventually - become our goal!

 

Newcomers often speak of the beauty in life they are now just noticing … of the butterfly on the neighbor’s window, the magical full moon, the diamond-like sun-sparkle on sea water … things never noticed when lost in our disease. 

But it can become hard to see the butterfly when we pick a fight with our neighbor. Nor will the full moon shine as brightly when sleep eludes us because of that quarrel. 

As for that sparkle on the water? Silver quickly turns to pewter when our vision darkens in anger. 

 

So we learn to look at our own behavior. 

What happened? Where did I go off track? Was I intolerant, impatient, self-centered, or afraid? 

Did my own confused emotions cause this problem to escalate? 

These are the kinds of things we learn to identify - and correct - as we trudge along our sober path. 

Happier sober lives are built by adopting new attitudes - step by step. When we develop - with practice - the daily use of the 10th step and begin to examine our part in our problems, we're well on our way.

Dr. Bob once said, I don't think we can do anything very well in this world unless we practice it. And I don't believe we do A.A. too well unless we practice it … that was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else.

Our sobriety is worth the work. If A.A.’s co-founder himself struggled to practice his way into a new life, I don't think we should be too hard on ourselves when we find we may have to struggle a bit now and then, too. 

My disease of alcoholism once insisted that I drink whether I wanted to or not. Drinking was the insanity that dominated my life and ruled over my making any healthy choices for myself. My life had become unmanageable. It took A.A. to set me free.

In spite of the great increase in the size and the span of this Fellowship, at its core it remains simple and personal. 

Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope.

Big Book of A.A.

Because A.A. has continued to work for a drunk like me I know it can work for you. I also know you will have a lot of fun along your sober way, because I certainly have!

 Keep Coming Back!

________________________________________________

 

Made A Decision

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

                               Fearless and Thorough

How It Works is read at our meetings and, inside that lengthy reading, we hear: 

We beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil - until we let go absolutely.

Well, there’s another of those puzzling messages that baffled me in the beginning, but I (slowly) came to understand it means we must get our hands off our problems - and all our old methods of working them out - and hand them over to that greater power, the One that actually knows what to do about them. 

It took me a damned long time to learn how to do that. My first sponsor once gave me a mug with these words on it: “Everything I’ve surrendered has my claw marks all over it.” (My first sponsor knew me very well.)

We alcoholics are a stubborn lot. Even in the face of repeated failure we will continue to launch our tried and untrue attacks at situations that have never once yielded to those same old solutions.

The clearest example for us to remember is the way we held onto the idea that WE would ultimately get our drinking under control. 

WE didn’t need help with that. 

WE would eventually be able to do it. 

Only after years (even decades) of suffering were WE - now desperate for help -  finally able to recognize, and admit, we were unable to do it alone. 

Enter A.A. - where despite oldtimers begging us to be fearless and thorough from day one in our recovery, WE often continue to keep a stranglehold on the idea that WE will find the solution to whatever is troubling us.

 Oh sure, I was willing to hand over my problem with alcohol, but only when it became obvious a Higher Power had actually handled that problem for others, so I figured my HP might even be willing to do it for me.

But I wasn't any too sure my HP could or would handle all my other fears and worries. So I held onto them tightly, convinced I could figure them out on my own, despite working one step after another all designed to pry my hands off them. 

We continue to repeat what we don’t - or won’t - repair. 

“There are two things alcoholics really, really don’t like - 

 (1) the way things are and

 (2) change.” 

Changing ourselves takes effort. 

Being a victim is easy - at first - but it doesn’t wear well. 

If we want God to remove our character defects we have to stop doing them. We must at some point give up our resistance to growth. 

(Hint: Sooner rather than later works best.)

We are called to change, because only when we surrender our pride and ego can we win. It becomes a bit easier to do when we start to realize everything our Higher Power sends our way is for our soul’s benefit. 

We grow when we let go. 

When we let go of our habitual thoughts and behaviors we will finally get onto the path to  becoming who we are meant to be. 

That earlier self-help guru, Norman Vincent Peale, once wrote:  If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself.

And a quote from an old Grapevine magazine reads: We neither ran nor fought. But accept it we did. And then we began to be free.

I would love to tell you I figured this all out in the blink of an eye just by applying my keen intellect, but if I’ve learned nothing else in A.A., I’ve learned to be honest. I don’t actually suffer from a keen intellect, rather a quite sluggish one. It took more than one painful, frightening and even dangerous life “lesson” to get my attention that change was even necessary. 

One lesson involved my letting go of something I didn’t want to lose. Like most alcoholics I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it, and what I wanted was not what my Higher Power wanted for me.

 Yet I hung on and on until I actually reached the brink of suicide, that permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

It took an A.A. miracle to help me to surrender in that instance and I’ll always be grateful it arrived. But any of us stubborn alcoholics are capable of that kind of behavior when we want something, or someone, that our Higher Power knows will ultimately destroy us. 

I had been a member of A.A. for a good while before I ran headlong into the realization I wasn’t the star of my little life show; my Higher Power is the star. 

It was my Higher Power who got, and keeps, me sober. It is my Higher Power who sends me the lessons I need to become a happier and saner me.

It is our collective Higher Power who gave us the astonishingly wonderful program of Alcoholics Anonymous, our safe place to learn how to live long enough to actually become joyous, happy and free. 

The path to that life is to practice our program just the way it was written ... then to keep doing it. 

As a qualified graduate of the school of hard knocks, with a doctorate degree in stubborn thinking, I am overly-qualified to beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start of your recovery. 

Because living the Program of A.A. is truly “the easier softer way”.