Made A Decision

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Rule Number 62 and Other Bits of AA's History

Bill W. and Doctor Bob were highly articulate letter writers. They predated Twitter, of course, where writers go to become non-writers. But I predate Twitter, too, so I thoroughly enjoy their interesting and witty written discourses. 

Many of their letters addressed concerns sent to them by various groups in the very early days of AA, as members tried to figure out what worked - and what didn't. 

They knew that one alki talking to another alki, along with the surrender of self to a Higher Power, did work, and soon adopted suggestions for cleaning house, making amends, and working with others. Groups all used the Holy Bible for behavioural references. After all, there was no Big Book in those first days, weeks and months, and no written Steps or Traditions. 

  

AA's first alcoholics could only gratefully share their message of hope and example, but from that bare bones agenda new groups grew like wildfire.

Dr. Bob, with the help of nurse Sister Ignatia at St. Thomas Hospital is said to have personally treated more than 5,000 alcoholics there at no cost, visiting those patients every day in addition to his regular practice. Bill Wilson called Dr. Bob the “Prince of Twelfth Steppers.” 

Unlike Dr. Bob, who lived a productive, but quiet life, Bill was able to write with real authority those words read at every meeting: We are NOT saints.

Bill wrote (most) of the Big Book and 12 & 12 in powerful prose that changed, and continues to change, millions of lives for the better, but he continually struggled to become the man he wanted to be. 

Bill could make powerful speeches at conventions, even as his eyes looked for the prettiest women in the room. Close AA friends were sometimes even deployed to distract him from chatting those women up. Bill willed percentages of his royalties from ongoing Big Book sales after his death to his wife, but also to his mistress.

AA members tried to deify the founders almost from the beginning, but neither man would have any of it.

Bill W.'s long-lasting depression was said to be caused by his ongoing personal battle with human failings that troubled him deeply. He never set himself up as a role model, and in every way discouraged others from doing so. 

Around 1955 Bill began recording recollections of his life, tapes used posthumously to publish “My First Forty Years.” Following the main text you’ll find this:

There will be future historical revelations about Bill’s character and behaviour in recovery that will be interpreted, by some, as direct attacks on the very foundation of AA. Bill often wished he could be just another AA member with no trace of notoriety. But such revelations will, in the end, only reinforce Bill’s humanness and, most important, the extent to which Bill acted to the best of his ability to protect AA from himself.

In "The Three Legacies of Alcoholics Anonymous" we find:

Even as early as 1945, the solution of group problems by correspondence had put a large volume of work on Headquarters … . It seemed as if every contestant in every group argument wrote us during this confused and exciting period.The basic ideas for the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous came directly out of this vast correspondence.

Bill was the catalyst for spreading AA's doctrine. He believed it the answer to saving alcoholics worldwide and worked tirelessly to get that message out. Both he and Dr. Bob initially had concerns about promoting "the God thing" too much, fearing it would keep alcoholics away. They were taken firmly to task for this by Henrietta Seiberling.

(Henrietta Seiberling was a member of the Oxford Group, the Christian fellowship that inspired the founders of AA and inspired many of our practices). Hers was a strong voice in the early establishing of AA's principles.)

"Well, we're not out to please the alcoholics," Henrietta told them. "They have been pleasing themselves all these years. We are out to please God. And if you don't talk about what God does, and your faith, and your guidance, then you might as well be the Rotary Club or something like that. Because God is your only source of power." 

The two men finally agreed and Henrietta then said: "It is my great hope that they will never be afraid to acknowledge God and what he has done for them.

(A worried Father Dowling, Jesuit Priest and early supporter of AA, also said:“This is one of the most beautiful things that has come into the world. But I want to warn you that the devil will try to destroy it.”)

Bill W. was born in the late 1800s and his writings reflect that earlier time. Much of the "sexist attitudes" women object to in AA literature (and I was one of them) is due to that. My best advice is to just get over it and use the information in there that keeps all of us sober, no matter what.

 

After all, many churches remain very sexist even today, denying women positions granted only to men. We seem to mainly accept that, sometimes forgetting that in AA our voices, and the service positions we hold, equal those of any member there.

Bill W.'s powerful spiritual experience left him with no doubts about the reality of a God (see  Bill's Story in the Big Book), but he was up against many atheist and agnostic early members. Bill saw they believed in each other and their groups, having been unable to stop drinking on their own. Together they had become more powerful and so could accept the group’s power being "Higher" than their own. 

That same alcoholic spirit of rebellion showed up in power struggles between members in many of the earliest groups. Many thought the anonymity of AA went too far. Others wanted to appear on radio (and later television) to promote AA. And here's where we get our beloved Rule 62, after one member wrote the following to AA Headquarters:

You told us that outside enterprises can be fine and very helpful. But you also said that they could not be mixed with A.A. I figured that they could be, and should be. Well, you folks at Headquarters were right and I was wrong.

With his letter, the promoter sent us a card, which he had already mailed to every group in the United States. It was folded like a golf scorecard, and on the outside was printed, Group so-and-so, place so-and-so. When it was unfolded it read: Rule No. 62: Don't take yourself too damned seriously.

In 1945 work began to codify group experiences into a set of principles which could offer tested solutions to problems of living and working together, and to the world outside of AA. 

A code of traditions could not, of course, ever become rule or law, but it was hoped they might act as a guide for all members, especially for A.A. groups still suffering growing pains.

In the book "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age" we find this from Bill W, a reminder that tough as our times appear to be, they lived through tough times, too - and stayed sober:

As by some deep instinct, we have known from the very beginning that, no matter what the provocation, we must never publicly take sides, as A.A.'s, in any fight, even a worthy one. All history affords us the spectacle of striving nations and groups finally torn asunder because they were designed for, or tempted into, controversy. Others fell apart because of sheer self-righteousness while trying to force upon the rest of mankind some millennium of their own specification. 

In our own times we have seen millions die in political and economic wars often spurred by religious and racial differences. In many self-governing countries we are now seeing the inroads of ignorance, apathy, and power-seeking upon democratic systems. Their spiritual resources of right purpose and collective intelligence are waning. Consequently, many a land has become so helpless that the only answer is dictatorship. 

Happily for us, there seems little prospect of such a calamity in A.A. The life of each individual and of each group is built around our Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. We very well know that the penalty for extensive disobedience to these principles is death for the individual and dissolution for the group. An even greater force for A.A.'s unity is in the compelling love that we have for our fellow members and for the principles upon which our lives today are founded.

Our fellowship has summed up all the above far more briefly:

The Steps protect me from myself; 

The Traditions protect A.A. from me.

And also:

The steps protect me from suicide.

 The traditions keep me from homicide.

We are all familiar with the Steps of AA. 

It's also a very, very good idea to also learn - and live by - our Traditions.

 

 

To comment on this blog please contact me at o.kay.dockside@gmail.com

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                            The Dubious Luxury of Normal Folks 

Alcoholics are skilled in the art of resentment. We drunks know how to nurse grudges, stoke envy, harbor bitter thoughts, and also how to thoroughly enjoy being restless, irritable and discontented. 

We do these things in sobriety because they are familiar. It's always easier to fall back into old behavior than it is to embrace change. Lasting sobriety, however, requires us to back away from old bad behaviors. It says so all through our AA literature, including this passage from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions:

In A.A. we slowly learned that something had to be done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and unwarranted pride. We had to see that every time we played the big shot, we turned people against us. 

We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.

Our Big Book (page 64) states: 

Resentment is the Number One offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else."

Destroys!!!  No words being minced here. 

When we hold onto our resentments we are in danger of returning to drinking. We are told this over and over by our sponsors and friends in recovery. Dealing with resentment is often the topic of AA meetings where we hear great truths from AA members in sayings like:

Resentment is like acid, eating away at the vessel it is stored in.

 "Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die." (Sent to me by my friend Dave M).

And then there's this one, for men only:  When a mosquito lands on your testicles there will be resentment at its choice for a landing field, but you will immediately learn to resolve resentments without resorting to anger or violence.

 Have you ever seen a drunk in the blink of an eye cop a resentment over another's behavior, switching instantly from happy drunk to angry drunk? It's a drunk's superpower and it's one we don't give up easily in recovery.

Drunk hangovers made us feel physically terrible. Sober drunks have emotional hangovers brought on by resentments and other negative emotions. 

When we give in to rage, or jealousy or fear - or when we wallow in resentments - we are going to feel like crap afterwards. Guaranteed.

So what actually does it mean to have and hold onto a resentment? It means we have intensely negative feelings about someone or something (usually someone) that we can't let go of and we replay our grievance over and over in our minds (often at 3 a.m.). 

We get a resentment when we think we've somehow been wronged. That then triggers feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness and depression. None of these feelings are helpful for staying sober.

Or we may think someone else doesn't deserve the wonderful wealthy life they have while we are living a paycheck-to-paycheck existence. We see them as happy every moment of their perfect lives and ourselves as just struggling to get by. Neither viewpoint is correct. It's called envy and it leads to unreasonable resentments. 

Newly sober alcoholics also have notoriously thin skin. We take offence easily and can often nurse a resentment against someone who is completely unaware of our hurt feelings, usually someone who never intended to hurt our feelings in the first place. 

We let them rent that angry space in our heads, torturing ourselves with bad feelings while they go blissfully on with their lives. 

Who is our resentment hurting here? Them? 

 But what about those people who knowingly have hurt us? Those who betrayed us? Insulted us? Gossiped about us? 

We have all probably experienced these kinds of things, but instead of being resentful we can ease these people out of our lives (yes, even family members) while remembering they wouldn't do these things were they not themselves sick and troubled people. Send them a prayer - and move on.

In our world-wide polarized political climate it is all too easy to join in the game of "them vs us." Biased reporting by television networks fuel political resentments and social media gives us all a platform on which to vent. A very little of this goes a long way and diplomacy on our part is called for. We are not expected to allow others to harm us, but we alcoholics can't afford to let ourselves get played by the process. 

Also, when we resent those who have more than us in life, we need to stop immediately and ask ourselves why? Do we have housing? Food? Are our bills paid? Do we have friends? Family? Sobriety? Surely sobriety has given us most of these? How much is enough? Where's our gratitude?

Quality living is not about fame or having lots of stuff, it's about enjoying what we do have and being grateful for it. Let us never forget those high profile "celebrities" who seemingly have "everything" and yet suddenly shock the world with their suicides. 

We cannot know the pain another person is in and holding a resentment against anyone just adds to their pain, overtly or covertly. It hurts us, too. It hardens us. It walls us off from compassion. Learning to pray for those who bother us in any way is a huge step toward self-improvement and self-care. It helps keep us sober, too. 

(My prayers were once made through gritted teeth and were of the "please let them get what they deserve" variety, but that doesn't matter. We learn to pray for others via that process and eventually come to mean it.)

So the next time we find ourselves giving head space to a resentment the best thing we can do is talk it over with our sponsor, our AA friends, and then share it (without naming names) in our home group. Sharing a problem halves a problem right away. We'll also get a ton of good advice on how to let that resentment go.

 

 

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                              The Spirit of Rebellion

"I'm too tired to go to a meeting tonight."

"I don't think I actually need to do a Fifth Step. My Fourth Step showed me everything I need to work on."

"I've prayed and prayed and nothing has changed. I'm sick of this."

"All this working on ourselves is stupid. I'm sober. I'm fine just the way I am, thanks."

"My home group is full of a bunch of gossips. AA is just like every other group of people. Full of hypocrites ... I'm out of here."

 Any of the above sound familiar? They do to me. I've thought them all at one time or another in my time in recovery, and many more thoughts like them. 

So did AA's Co-founder, Bill W. Here's what he wrote about it:

All of us pass through the times when we can pray only with the greatest exertion. Occasionally we go even further than this. We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won’t pray. 

 When these things happen, we should not think too ill of ourselves.  We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.

The "Spirit of Rebellion" often shows up for many of us at the nine-month sober mark. (Statistically more people leave AA at nine months than at any other time in recovery.) It also isn't uncommon to experience it in the three to five year stage of our recovery. My own twisted spirit gave me a very rough time during my ninth year.

 The fact is this rebellion can show up at any time in our sober lives, because while recovery truly is simple, it isn't always easy.

I find it very interesting that the dictionary defines "spirit" in a couple of ways: First as "the non-physical part of a person which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul."

And second as: "a strong distilled liquor such as brandy, whiskey, gin, or rum."

Our challenge was, is, and always will be - which spirit will win out? 

Which spirit will we nourish?

Our soul?

Or that spirit of rebellion that leads back to bottled spirits?

It isn't easy to shake off that feeling of "what's the use" when the rebellious spirit takes us over. We can so easily fall back into whining about how hard it all is, that we deserve better, to waste time being angry at being an alcoholic instead of being grateful to have a daily release from our chronic terminal illness.

I've been there. I've felt that petty anger and the desire to run away from doing the work of recovery. It's a very unfun place to be. So what's the cure? How do we send the Spirit of Rebellion packing once again?

 First we must learn, while the spirit of rebellion can show up anytime, it will also just as suddenly depart - as long as we hang in there doing the doing of recovery. We won't want to, of course. We won't feel like it. But consider the alternative.

Once we stop dwelling on poor little us, and start to dwell for a time on how awful our drinking life had become before we found AA, we can then become ready to return to the AA basics. 

The Basics: 

(1) We contact a fellow member or our sponsor and talk about how we are feeling. They will inevitably suggest we go to a meeting. Once there, exposed to our "medicine" once again, the rest of the doing becomes easier.

(2) To rid ourselves of rebellion we go to meetings every single day, whether we want to or not. If we need to fit a meeting into our very busy schedules we attend some AA Zoom meetings (available around the world now 24/7.)

(3) We reach out to help other recovering alcoholics, even if it's just with a phone call to see how they're doing. 

We talk with our sponsors and we tell them the truth.

(4) We also consider if we are getting enough daily nutrition and rest. Are we holding onto any resentments? Have we been isolating? These are the ingredients that lead to us being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. So we H.A.L.T. them.

Recovery isn't a one time event. It's a series of daily actions that - over time - develop into a new pattern for living and thinking. Our every action follows a thought, so our thoughts are the force that creates our lives.

When our thoughts become shitty, it's past time to sit down and make a gratitude list - starting with our not having a horrible hangover today.

(Remember them? The sweating? The dehydration? The puking? Good times!)

Drinking alcoholics want their own way. They don't consider the needs of others. Giving up bottled spirits means turning our back on many worldly pursuits and focusing on helping others. Doing so moves us forward on our spiritual path of recovery. Is it worth it? Those who continue to trudge the trudge certainly believe so. 

And when we kick the Spirit of Rebellion to the curb (once again), we will find we have a better grasp and respect for what recovery is all about. All we have to do is hang in there during our rebellious times - by our fingertips if necessary - and our next miracle will ultimately arrive.

The world is full of people striving to stack up money, achieve fame and celebrity, win medals and trophies, gain power over others. We must learn to ask ourselves if any of these things bring lasting peace. Do they foster joy? Do they lift the heart? Do they bring with them serenity?

Remember AA's old saying, "Poor Me. Poor Me. Pour me a drink." That remembering alone will push us back toward sanity. That's when it's time to dive into some step work. (In my case it's almost always Steps Six, Seven and Eleven.)

That's the time to pray more deeply for acceptance, while trusting this process will see us safely back into the sunshine of the spirit once again.

To comment on this blog please email:

o.kay.dockside@gmail.com

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                               We've Found Our Herd

I am not a joiner. I've never been a groupie. I'm by nature a loner and still enjoy mainly solitary pursuits. But, as I heard in a meeting long ago, "When I got to AA I found my herd."

There is a huge difference between isolation and being solitary, but to stay sober we need to embrace the full support of our AA fellowship. Here are the people who think like we do, feel like we do, and understand the world as we do. Together we can achieve the sobriety we were never able to do on our own.

Enjoying solitary pursuits does not equal being lonely, but a drinking life - particularly as we reach the latter stages of our chronic, terminal illness - is a lonely life indeed. Drinking cuts us off from society, and it cuts us off from any kind of spiritual connection (other than that found on the dark side). In the final months of my own drinking I often held long one-sided conversations with people who weren't even there! 

As our Big Book puts it: 

There is no more 'aloneness,' with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing, before, could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again. 

Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom.

AA also gave me the ability to embrace friendship by giving me the best friends I've ever had. Probably the first things I noticed at my very first AA meeting was the friendliness, the laughter, and being welcomed. That first taste made me greedy for more and I've never been willing to leave. Good things can be addictive, too!

 I accept today - fully - that I am forever powerless over alcohol. I know that if I drink again I will die. Once that knowledge - and acceptance - takes hold of any alcoholics, the work and joy of recovery truly begins. Thankfully AA provides us with great companions - every step of the way. 

As the lovely little book "Just for Today" states: The most unlikely people form friendships, sponsor each other, and do service work together. We meet in the rooms of recovery together, sharing the bonds of past suffering and hope for the future. We meet on mutual ground with our focus on the two things we all have in common—addiction and recovery. 

Since alcohol is an equal opportunity destroyer, AA offers us a cross section of all humankind. But we are all recovering alcoholics and that's the most important part of our AA resume.'

I've sat in meetings with Blacks, Whites, Native Americans, Asians and people from many different nations. Also homosexuals, hetrosexuals, and every other sexual group now identified, plus with church leaders, atheists, every age group and representatives from possibly every profession. 

I'm grateful for every single one of them! 

From the boring, I've learned patience. From the outrageous, I've learned tolerance. From the pushy, I've learned restraint. From the unteachable, I've learned acceptance. And from the AA "winners," I've learned pretty much everything I've needed to know about living a happy sober life.

AA's winners - the ones it's suggested we stick with - are easy to spot. They respect the program and each other, they laugh and smile a lot, they are active in AA service and they have many interesting pursuits outside of AA.

AA's winners face difficult life challenges with humor and courage. And they absolutely insist on having a great life, which they achieve by having learned in recovery who they are, what they enjoy, and how to create that reality for themselves. 

AA gives us a faith and philosophy to live by and it gives us real, loyal and wonderful friends to laugh with - and sometimes cry with - in any situation. All of us learn in AA that our greatest joy comes in helping others, not only to stay sober, but in any other way called for.

We - even the introverts among us - become groupies when it comes to our Home Group. We soon learn most people cannot recover from alcoholism without a group. We learn our involvement is what keeps our group thriving, and if our group doesn't survive we may not survive, either. 

As our very first tradition states: 

Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.

 

Finally, AA gives us a relationship with our Higher Power that many of us come to embrace as a friendship. My Best Friend, this God of My Understanding, supplies me with the strength and courage to stay sober no matter what. 

I didn't know that at first. I didn't believe it at first. But over time I have come to rely on that Friend to guide me in all my daily activities. I feel His approval when I reach out to help another, I feel His delight when I delight in the world He has given us, and I hear His voice in the conversations and shares of my AA friends.

I remain amazed at the many ways my Higher Power is revealed in my life, from gifts of awe inspiring magnitude to tremendous insights delivered all wrapped up in laughter.

 Without this higher friendship, underpinned and supported by His agents in recovery, we can very easily give up on our sober journey. But, because of all the AA friendships available to us, we can be lifted over life’s hurdles time and time again.

Go call an AA friend today!

 

 

 

Made a Decision

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                                                 Double Winners

I was less than a year sober when I first heard the term "Double Winners" and learned it meant people who were members of both AA and AlAnon. 

Even so, it took me nearly 14 years before I went to my first AlAnon meeting.

Once there, the members pissed me off so badly by calling me out and telling me the truth, it took me several more years to go back for another meeting. 

AlAnon members have a lot they can teach us, but trust me, they don't play softball. Tough love is their middle name, and it has to be, because they're striving for their own sanity while dealing with us drunks. 

Why did I go to AlAnon in the first place?

 I was a sober alcoholic, but I was in a relationship with a man who drank. (A lot.) 

I also had a lot of alcoholic family members, co-workers and friends in my life. Some of them were sober. Some were not.

I figured AlAnon - the 12-step program that deals with those who have both drinking or sober alcoholics in their lives - might be able to teach me something. 

They could. And they have. And they continue to do so.

But first I had to become willing to be taught.

As part of my morning readings today I include their lovely little book One Day at a Time in AlAnon. I can highly recommend it for all recovering alcoholics, even for those who will never attend an AlAnon meeting.

The book contains gems on not only dealing with the other alcoholics in our lives (and with everyone else, too, including teenagers, relatives and partners), it can also teach us how to control our own often volatile temperaments.

Some examples:

I will pause and think before I say anything, lest my anger turn back upon me and make my difficulties even greater. I will know that well-timed silence can give me command of the situation, as angry reproaches never can. 

How happy and useful I could be if I weren't carrying around such a load of unpleasant emotional turmoil. No one asks me to, so why do I?

Am I too busy to pray? Have I no time for meditation? Then let me ask myself whether I have been able to solve my problems without help.

Knowing that only complete honesty will bring me to self-understanding, I pray that my Higher Power will help me guard against deceiving myself.

Let me fill this one day with thoughts and and actions I have no need to regret.

And finally this gem that I read just this morning:

Bad habits and compulsions cannot be conquered by determined resolutions or promising ourselves that we won't go on doing this or that 

They cannot be rooted out -  for what would fill that vacuum? They must be replaced - with their opposites. 

The secret is to substitute the positive for the negative - the I will for the I won't.

You may want to add the reading of some AlAnon literature to your own daily readings. It may prove to be of great help to you. I know it has certainly helped me.

Remember, our AA literature advises us to "Make use of what others have to offer." 

This includes 12-step programs for other issues if needed, medication on a doctor's advice, spiritual direction from a faith of our choice, exploring other faiths to deepen our understanding, and so much more.

AA is the perfect program to keep us sober, but it also encourages us to expand our horizons to become not only assets in AA, but also assets to our families and in our communities. 

As it states in our wonderful 12&12 book:

Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God’s help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God’s sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in 

self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes, but can fit and belong in God’s scheme of things. 

These are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes.

One of the great joys of recovery is learning who we really are and then to share that exciting discovery with others. We all have different and much needed gifts and AA gives us the platform to deliver them where needed. 

In addition to our important service work for AA, we can volunteer in so many directions - cooking in homeless shelters; walking dogs at the nearest animal care facility; volunteer at a local hospital; teach kids how to play chess in an after-school class; coach a neighborhood sports team; 

 join an activist society; get on stage in a community theater (or support it by painting sets or making costumes); check daily on an elderly neighbor; host a monthly dinner for neighbors who live alone (make it a pot luck if money is tight).

 It's the sharing of ourselves that matters - both inside and outside of AA. 

As drinking alcoholics we thought mainly of ourselves. We were takers, not givers. 

AA teaches us the joy in life is found in the giving. 

Recovery gives us a sober life to live and to live it fully.

Go live your best life today!

 

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                           The Rules of AA

There are none. 

There are no rules in AA. 

There are only "suggestions" and long-established expectations for members that boil down to: Be considerate, attentive and don't disrupt meetings.

Alcoholics, by temperament, don't respond well to orders. Were we told we MUST do the steps, MUST do AA service work, MUST believe in God, MUST behave in a certain way in meetings, our program of recovery would have died long ago. 

Our Founders knew their audience. They didn't tell us to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD. The gave us a Higher Power of our own understanding. No dogma, just an open door leading to an ever-expanding spiritual path.

It is traditional for AA members to gently teach newcomers through a time-tested method of using  "I" messages that convey all those important things newcomers need to know.

 Instead of saying "YOU need to do all the steps in order," we say things like, "My sponsor suggested our steps are laid out and numbered in order for a reason. She said I didn't need to fear Step Nine, because after I had done the first eight steps I would be ready to do Step Nine. And she was right."

We never tell fellow members what they should do to get well. We don't "should" on our fellow members, we tell them what we do to get better. 

When well used, "I" messages aren't about ego. They're instead an effective and proper use of the word "I".

Newcomers have no idea how to behave when they first arrive in AA. How could they? We learn these things over time. Many newcomers say very little and study the behavior of others before doing much participation. Others try to dominate meetings with interruptions and their own interpretation of how others need to behave. 

Those who study first and participate later are no problem. They'll soon find their way. Those who wish to dominate must sometimes be confronted by their sponsor, or more seasoned members (if they haven't yet found a sponsor) to show them a better way.

I was an AA "two stepper" at the start of my own recovery - I'd taken the first step and wanted to go straight to number 12 and carry a message to others I didn't yet have. Fortunately I had a sponsor who knew how to reign me in.

No one is unique in AA and the two most dangerous words in a recovering alcoholic's vocabulary are, "I'm different."  

Our stories may run the gamut from highly dramatic adventures involving police, jails, car wrecks, domestic violence, and blackout crimes. Or we may have just have quietly sat at home drinking ourselves into oblivion. Either way, the root cause of our misery was alcoholism.

 Fortunately our disease eventually makes us willing to jump into the AA lifeboat. Once there we must learn to row together to save ourselves from further disaster. So in meetings we don't talk down to fellow members.

 Nor do we use phrases like "you alcoholics." When we speak in a meeting it is customary to give our name, followed by "and I am an alcoholic." But we don't label anyone else there an alcoholic, especially newcomers. That is for them to discover.

We don't cross talk - meaning we don't interrupt or comment aloud when another member is speaking. Their need to share without anyone derailing their thoughts is sacrosanct in AA.

But we can cross share, in fact our entire program is built on a foundation of one alcoholic sharing experience, strength and hope with another. 

Here's how that works: 

When a member is sharing about a problem they're having that we have personal experience in overcoming by using the tools of AA recovery we can say so when it is our turn to share.

We share on topic first - and then can add something like, "When J. shared earlier about that problem with his boss I was reminded I once had that same problem. My sponsor told me to pray for her. And even though I didn't want to, I did. And it worked, because ... 

 "I learned my boss had a kid in the hospital and was cross from worry and not mad at me  ... "

or ... "my boss and I were actually soon able to have a good talk about her expectations from me ... "

or ... "the company soon moved my boss to another office ... "

or whatever the solution turned out to be.

Part of a sponsor's job is to teach us about AA. My first sponsor taught me to arrive at meetings 10 minutes early and leave 10 minutes afterwards. I was told to use those 20 minutes to help others set up the room, make coffee and hot water for tea, and to clean up afterwards while chatting with other AA worker bees.

(We can come early to Zoom meetings, too, and get better acquainted with those there.)

She also taught me to: apologize if I was late; to not whisper to those nearby during a meeting; get my cuppa before the meeting started and, unless I had a sudden below-decks problem, to wait until after the meeting to visit the toilet.

 I was taught to share and read when asked; watch for and greet newcomers warmly; become active in group service, and much more.

Today I would add no texting or playing online games during a meeting  (I've seen both); Turn off phones when entering any meeting; and in Zoom - no cooking, eating or otherwise wandering around the house during meetings.

If there is an emergency situation in your life where you might have to take a call, set your phone on silent alert. If you then must leave you can turn off your audio and video and do so quietly.

When we attend religious services, weddings, funerals, public hearings  or the theater, we don't indulge in wandering around disturbing others. We certainly can control ourselves for the length of time it takes to sit through a meeting. 

We show respect for our program by listening to the beginning readings and to others when they share (even those we think talk too much). We can be around AA a long time and then suddenly identify with something we've heard read many times. The same is true of hearing something said that can forever enhance our own recovery.

I believe my Higher Power speaks to me through the people in my meetings. Or, as I've heard said, "My Higher Power has to wear skin for me to hear my answers."

Some people, even groups, have a problem with members who use swear words to express themselves. I'm not one of them. A little blue language won't hurt us, whereas a pious and judgmental attitude will.

Gossip can kill. Don't do it. We need to always remember we alcoholics are highly sensitive people dealing with a deadly disease. Even one thoughtless comment to-or-about someone might drive them out of AA  - and that could be their death sentence. 

AA is our safe place. We need to keep it safe for everyone.

Once we learn, and put these "suggestions" into practice, we become active contributing members of AA and not just uninvolved visitors.