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               Women in the “Fellowship.”

Women in AA should always remember “The Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous was written in an earlier time, penned by white men for white men.  The Founding Fathers of AA initially weren’t even sure women could get and stay sober in the AA program. 

"... In the beginning we could not sober up women. They were different, they said ..." From the book "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age".

I was working as a journalist (now long retired) when I got sober. During my first year or two in recovery I wanted to rewrite the Big Book. I thought the language in the Big Book was dated at best and sexist at worst.

But I’m glad I left the book alone, because over time I have learned everything a woman needs to stay sober really is already right there in the Big Book of “Alcoholics Anonymous” - just as it was written.

We just have to become open enough to receive it.

(And the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions is well worth our study, too).

 I’m pleased, however, that other women have in recent decades written books aimed more at reaching women in recovery.

Among them, the book A Woman’ Way Through the 12 Steps, by Stephanie S. Covington, is now a recovery classic that has helped scores of women. 

 I also think the most important thing a woman in recovery can do for herself is to join an all women’s group - or start one if necessary.

 (I’ve helped start two of them, one in the USA and one in the UK. The UK group faded away, but the other is still going strong more than 35 years on). 

 Women’s groups themselves have been around since the 1950s, by the way, so if you are trying to get one started in your own area don’t let anyone bully you into thinking they’re something “new.”

 

I am not writing this to man bash. I adore the men in AA. Nearly all of the people around me in my early recovery were men. Without them I would never have stayed sober. Their courage, direction, compassion and humour propped me up in my weakest moments.

But many men in AA still sometimes get all huffy when women decide to form a group just for them. They'll give all kinds of reasons why a women's group isn't necessary, too. I've heard them all.

The men will say a woman alcoholic is no different from a man alcoholic, that women think they're special (dangerously "unique") when thinking they need their own group, and some men will even bluntly say, "What's so private you women can't talk about it in a regular meeting?"

(I suspect men fear we want our own meeting just so we can talk about them!)

I'm going to digress here (as I often do) to leave AA for a moment and tell you about a study of men and women I once read:

In that study, each person was asked what they most feared regarding the other sex when involved in an intimate relationship.

Most of the men questioned said they feared, if they let themselves be vulnerable, the woman might laugh at them.

The women said their biggest fear was their partner might become angry enough to kill them.

So, given that information, we return now to recovery:

While it is obviously true both men and women can become alcoholics, the results of "our" disease - and our fears - impact our lives in very different ways.

All drunks are shamed by the society they live in, but until they’ve reached the lowest point in their drinking, men are perceived as “someone who just doesn’t know when to quit.” 

Women at that stage (or even before) are perceived as bad women. Period.

A man staggering along the street drunk is still often seen as a figure of fun. A woman in that condition is seen as disgusting, or in some cases, as a target for sexual assault. 

 

 And women alcoholics who live with abuse in their homes often turn to the bottle for comfort, thereby inviting a whole new level of abuse, especially verbal abuse.

Being constantly told we are "terrible mothers, rotten housekeepers, lousy cooks, disgusting women, lazy bitches, whores, scum - or worse -is hardly the recipe for feeling good about oneself.

A woman who finds she can not stop drinking feels like a failure already, so the verbal abuse just fuels self-loathing like red hot coals stoke a fire.

I have been a member of groups in several countries and in every one of them there have been women who never spoke. They were always there, they listened, they stayed sober, but they never spoke aloud in a meeting. They couldn't.

These were women who had been abused as children and later, often when quite young, went on to marry abusive men. Their voices had been silenced all their lives.

It was only when those women became members in women's groups, and came to understand their thoughts and feelings had value, that they began to speak.

I have known such women. I have sponsored such women. So I am now, and always will be, a champion of women's AA groups.

And here's the best news of all - and it's for all of AA:

Once the silent women discover their self-worth they venture out into regular AA meetings where their wisdom and compassion enriches and benefits everyone.