Monday, July 5, 2021

 Made a Decision


(20)                           

                   Growing Up in AA 


"Hey - remember when you were a little kid and couldn't wait to be a grown up? To get to do all those neat things that grown ups get to do?
 "They" didn't tell you about the shitty hard parts, did they? 
            Bastards! 😏"

I sent that exact same message in a lengthy email to a young friend of mine following a sudden life lesson in codependency that had hurled her into a bit of recovery madness, right into the kind of situation that too often sends newcomers back to drinking. 

She got through that lesson with flying colours, BTW. She did so by using all the tools of AA recovery at her disposal ... lots of meetings, talks with her sponsor, reaching out to AA friends, and ultimately the hard part - replacing old familiar bad behaviors with new and healthy ones. 

And what she did is damned hard to do. We can so easily say, "It works when we work it" - and we often do - but it can get very, very hard indeed when we are actually faced with having to DO some of that work.

Our personal "grace period" in AA can run from mere days to even years before we are called upon to actually do the hard work of applying new methods to old problems. But that day does come, and it's never easy.

Old behaviors are as comfortable as old slippers. We can slip into them far easier than we do into new shoes, even when we wouldn't really want anyone to see us wearing our unattractive old comfys out in public. 

It is said that alcoholics stop maturing when they start drinking. Having had to begin my own growing up at 37 instead of following through with that process at 17, I believe it. (Sadly I still remain 20 years behind my non-alcoholic peer group in sooooooo many ways).   

And while some of today's alcoholic-authority-wannabees have debunked central tenets of AA doctrine, including our levels of maturity upon arrival, I know that I arrived in AA exactly as is described on pages 122 & 123 in my copy of our Twelve Steps and Twelve.

 Here's what it says:  " ... When AA was quite young, a number of eminent psychologists and doctors made an exhaustive study of a good-sized group of so-called problem drinkers. The doctors weren't trying to find how different we were from one another; they sought to find whatever personality traits, if any, this group of alcoholics had in common. They finally came up with a conclusion that shocked the AA members of that time. These distinguished men had the nerve to say that most of the alcoholics under investigation were still childish, emotionally sensitive, and grandiose."

Even suffering from those childish, emotional and grandiose handicaps, I still managed to do some of the things non-drinkers did in my 20s and 30s. I got married, had children, began a career, bought property, cars, and all that grown-up stuff. 
But, except for the career part, where I worked my ass off and did very well (for a time) - I was mostly crap at the rest of it.

Drinking put paid to my marriage, made me an impatient mother, cost me friendships, frustrated those who loved me, and eventually found me living with my four children in a two-room flat in my parent's house, driving a beat up clunker of a car, and - ultimately - it cost me my job security. 

I was always an overachiever at my job (perfectionism), but ultimately no employer wants to deal with a continually hungover employee who might - or might not - be able to make it into work.

Starting the growing up process at 30, 40, 50, 60 (or sometimes even older) carries with it problems non-alcoholics generally haven't had to face. 

When we've never dated without a courage-making drink beforehand, or never danced sober, or (the big one) never had sober sex - dating can be a minefield of fear and uncertainty.

Add to that a dash of codependency involving the need for hostage taking and the dating game for many recovering alcoholics sees relationships become a trip that leads straight back to drinking. 
Relationships get started, and ended, on that very slippery ground. Some people don't survive them. 
        Literally.

Pulling someone has more than a few earmarks of ego stroking in it. As in, I am desirable, I am attractive, and so on. (The key word here being "I").  We are all of those things, but we have to learn to actually believe that about ourselves without having someone prove it to us. It takes a bit of work, and a bit of time, but it's worth it. 

(For non-Brits, "pulling someone" is the same as "being on the make" in the states. Or at least it used to be when I was still doing it).

AA friends are the best kind. Male and female AA friends. But it really is best that friendship remain just that until we have a couple of years of sober living under our belts. 
(If needed, buy yourself a good sex toy to take care of that particular need in the meantime.) 
 Throwing ourselves into helping others with their recovery - as our AA literature recommends - is a damned good idea, too.  AA gives us everything we need to examine our motives and actions and then to act in a new and better way. Also, in helping others, we get to learn a lot more about ourselves! 

I once heard in a long-ago meeting, "We attract what we are." 
That scared me! I didn't know very much about me at that time, but I sure as hell knew I didn't want a partner who was anything like me!  Hearing we attract what we are opened up a whole new dimension of working to improve myself, using AA's tool kit. 
 
When we strive to be our best awhile we'll find the people showing up in our life will be of the highest and most supportive quality. They really are worth the wait. 😏 

Love of God, Love of self, only THEN are we really ready for more.
 Patience! It's all about SLOW-briety!!!

But growing up in AA is about much more than relationships. 

In our drinking days many of us used money (especially plastic money) to buy drinks, friends, sex, and "stuff" of all kinds - from expensive vacations to the newest fashions - all without a moment's thought for tomorrow's obligations. So money management, too, becomes part of our goal when growing up in AA.

Time management is another one. No one can mismanage time like an alcoholic. We're either full throttle all the time until we collapse with exhaustion, or we're stuck on procrastinate and never finish anything we set out to do. 
The full-speed-ahead crowd learns over time in AA how to become a human being and just not a human doing.
The procrastinators learn over time in AA how to set aside their worry that they won't do the job at hand perfectly - and then to just do it!

Also:
Grownups don't live on junk food. 
Grownups know that exercise is good for the body and brain, that getting out in the sunshine gets rid of depression. 
Grownups recognize when they find themselves addicted to their phones or Facebook. 
Grownups know when they're spending more time gaming than living. 
Grownups start to recognize when they begin obsessing.
Grownups then take whatever step (or steps) necessary to fix these and similar roadblocks that stop them having their best quality of sober life. 

I realize that in today's blog I sound even more than usual like a preachy old lady. I am one, of course, but I preach only what I know for sure. And I know AA's tool kit of recovery got me safely through many of those same dangerous fires and kept me sober in the process (smoking sometimes, but intact). It will do the same for you! 

We are all on the AA road to becoming grownups, past the crap parts and on to the real benefits being a grownup can bring - loving relationships, terrific friendships, bills paid, fun enjoyed, good mental and physical health, freedom from anxiety ... the list is long and lovely! 

It's all because AA really does work - "When we work it." 

1 comment:

  1. I believe the AA saw about our emotional maturity ceasing when our "isms" take off. In chronological adulthood I acted upon teenage impulsiveness,, impetuosity, selfishness and explosive anger. My solution to my restlessness, irritability and discontent was sex, drugs, alcohol, rinse and repeat. And so I bounced like a pinball looking for self-esteem in the eyes of others until I gave up and built a towering wall to protect myself. And then I got sober, and in my first meeting I was told that I needed to make my bed every morning when I got up. That I needed to keep my commitments. That I would know how to handle situations which used to baffle me. One day at a time...skip forward 20 years and here I am, emotionally 35 years old, an adult! Not a bad gig, really. I don't throw hissy fits (Southern US expression), I understand that it is not all about me and that I have no control over the thoughts and actions of others. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, economic security, and sense of honesty. And I know to my core that I am an alcoholic whose life today is manageable when I practice the AA principles in all my affairs.

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