OKaysez

 

Made A Decision

(39)

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

    I once read an amazing book by M. Scott Peck called "People of the Lie," in which he puts forth the premise that "all evil acts begin with a lie."

Peck then builds on that theme by showing how the smallest of lies can lead to larger ones becoming necessary to protect the first lie, and then more lies are told to protect those ... and so on.

(By the way, Peck's book is also one of the scariest books I've ever read. You have been warned).

I've often thought about Peck's book since that first reading, especially regarding the denial inherent in our addictions. We deny that we have a problem and then lie (and lie and lie) to others, and to ourselves, to protect that first lie of denial so we won't have to face our problem.

And then in early recovery we often lie when we're asked how we are and we answer, "I'm Fine," when in truth we're feeling "Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional" - (F.I.N.E).

Truth just doesn't always come easily to an alcoholic. Many of us learned to lie very early in our families of origin, either to get our own way or to protect ourselves. Often both.

I learned to lie right about the time when I learned to talk and then hardwired it in, becoming very good at it over the next three decades. When I quit drinking I thought it would solve my problems, instead it exposed all of them, with the biggest disclosure being my dishonesty.

Letting go of lying, learning to tell the truth (no matter how scary the situation), seeking to become ever more honest, has been the hardest part of my own journey in recovery.

In the beginning I told myself I was at least "cash register honest" (which wasn't true, either, but it took awhile to recognize that) so that I could continue lying when I felt a lie was needed. In other words, when it was easier to lie than face - and tell - the truth.

Early on we hear that AA is "an honest program." But learning and doing can remain poles apart until we face up to our own relationship with honesty. That "little white lie" remained the first words on my lips for a long, long time in sobriety.

A lie can still come into play if I'm feeling backed into a corner, but that happens very seldom now. That's because I know I'll have to fess up afterwards and I really hate that. I've learned over time it's just easier to tell the truth in the first place.

Life gets easier when we tell the truth because there are no more exaggerated tall tales to tell to make us feel important. There's no more pretending to be someone other than ourselves, no more ducking or dodging when asked a direct question.

When we live our lives as an open book, we don't have to live with the fear of someone "finding out." Living honestly is the path to serenity.

"We're as sick as our secrets," is often heard in A.A. Therefore, not honestly sharing who we are is in itself a lie. By working the program we can discover who we really are.

Yes, our lives may have been a train wreck during our years in addiction, and that can't be changed. So we face up to that time honestly in sobriety, then make our amends and move on. When there's nothing in our lives left to hide we can live a more peaceful life (for all concerned).

Will we live perfectly? Let me know if you manage it. I haven't. I have failed often - and still do - (no saint, me), but thanks to the A.A. tool kit I no longer have to make excuses for my mistakes. I can just own them.

Our program gives us all the ability to face things as they are. We no longer need to run away to dive into a bottle. It's called freedom. We earn it by becoming truthful.

The sober world is a terrific place to live once we recognize our life "challenges" are really just opportunities for growth. They aren't punishment for - pick one - being imperfect; having made mistakes; being a drunk; not having more money; running away; telling lies; getting fat; not doing "it" right (whatever "it" is), and so on.

We're spiritual beings having a human experience and that means we're here in our bodies to learn to do and be better. To think less of ourselves and more about others. Our "challenges" give us the perfect practice sessions for doing that.

And A.A. gives us the perfect support system for getting through our "challenges" intact. It gives us tools like real and caring friends and meetings where we can let off steam and learn from others how they've coped with situations similar to ours.

Our sober lives bring us expected - and unexpected - rewards, ranging from rewarding employment (along with the satisfaction of doing a good job) to simply feeling good when we wake up in the morning.

The First Step requires us to stop lying to ourselves and admit we are powerless over alcohol. Steps Four and Five propel us forward into becoming more honest. They cut through our self-delusion and allow us to admit to God, to ourselves, and to another person just how dishonest we have been.

We gain a realistic view of ourselves that allows for more honesty about ourselves. We will start to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

"Honesty is the best policy" was something I heard said a lot by the old folks when I was a kid. Turns out they were right. So now that I'm an old folk myself, I feel qualified to "Pass it on."