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Mental Meanderings of an AA Old-Timer
During my now 78-years of living I have survived: infancy; childhood; teenage angst; teenage drinking; abuse; the betrayal of friends; debt; bankruptcy; poverty; the 1960s; exposure to murder; divorce; single-parenting my four children; deaths of best friends; alcoholism; living in five different countries; a brutal beating during an attempted rape; living in five different states; the death of my ex-husband; my parents’ funerals; homicidal attempts; smoking; quitting smoking; suicide attempts; burying a brother; burying a nephew; burying two grand-nephews; a destructive affair; a totaled car wreck; loss of precious pets; being fired; winning international awards; getting fat; clinical depression; authoring five books; hurricanes; loneliness; unbelievably wonderful friendships and ongoing occasions for hearty laughter (mainly at myself).
And those are just the highlights.
If you are reading this, you are a survivor, too, and have quite possibly survived far worse than anything I have ever experienced. But the past is now just smoke. We learn to blow it away as we embrace our new way of experiencing the world as productive sober people.
Ideally we reach out to help others get up that steep hill, too. We nudge, but we don't demand. We encourage, but we don't push. We cheer always, but we never condemn. That's the goal. We get to keep our sobriety by continually giving it away to others.
Before my 40th chronological birthday I had become divorced, cynical, angry, tough and confused. I would have lived and died that way, too, but as it turned out, I haven't had to. Because at the age of 37, I stumbled into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and there, against all the odds (and possibly bets), I have remained.
Being now just barely into my "40s," I'm discovering the possibility of an end to that yearning feeling, that semi-contented-wondering, that certain-uncertainty that has been with me throughout my sobriety.
I have spiritually meandered all over the place in the process of staying clean and sober … from leaving the Christian church of my childhood to explore guitar-playing too-happiness churches, to atheism, agnosticism, Wicca, studying Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism, New Age pink-paint-ism, embracing Nature Worship, Edgar Cayce’s teachings, reading more spiritual books than I can count, accepting near death experiences, belief in reincarnation, the Bible, pondering the nature of evil, and back now to studying the actual teachings set out by Jesus, that making-wine-out-of-water guy I first heard about before the age of five.
I've been told by a lot of people over the course of my life that I think too much, and given that last paragraph, they're probably right. I can complicate anything when I really set my alcoholic mind to it. So getting mentally clear on the God thing didn't come easy.
What I have finally learned, and now know for sure, is that my God loves all people, including boring people, angry people, humorless people, and political Conservatives.
God also loves ribald sinners, drunks and fallen women. He seems to like them quite a lot, actually, or so many parts of the Bible would indicate.
God may be saddened by our actions, but he never gives up on us, either. Redemption is always just around the corner when we most need it. We just have to want it.
(If you are still struggling with the God "idea;" or don't believe in the God who believes in you; or don't want to think about this God thing much, it's maybe time to bail on this blog. I won't be offended. I've been right where you are. I was there for a very long time. I'm just grateful I'm not there now.)
Before I write another word, I must digress to get the gender thing out of the way. The way I interpret Genesis 5:2 ("Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam ...") is that we, the Divine representatives of God on earth, are both male and female.
So I tend to use the words He and She interchangeably when talking about, and to, the Father/Mother God of my own understanding. My Higher Power seems fine with that. But feel free to put whatever spin you want to on Genesis 5:2 - or anything else you read in that book. Preachers were the first spin-doctors after all.
The absolutely most beautiful thing about AA is that the people sitting around us in a meeting can - and do - hold every possible personal opinion about politics and religion, but they park those big guns at the door when they enter the rooms.
Our meetings are all about learning to live happy, sober, productive lives and helping one another do the same. How beautiful is that? How God given?
As author Melody Beattie wrote: "We give others and ourselves the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule. When we are ready, when the time is right, and when our Higher Power is ready – we will know what we need to know."
One of our founders once wrote in a long-ago letter: "I am today more a pupil in AA than the teacher I once thought I was."
I think over time all of us in AA get to that place.
I know today I learn from every member, either how to behave or how not to; how to achieve my goals, or sabotage them; how to complain or how to overcome.
The choice is always mine to apply what I learn, or not. The quality of my life will always reflect those decisions.
As we grow in faith we discover our Higher Power goes before us to smooth the path, untangle the knots, heal the resentments, and make living life easier.
Faith or fear? That's the ongoing choice. I find when I choose the former worry vanishes from my life.
And yes, there are still "lessons" to be learned at every stage of recovery, and they remain just as tough as our earlier ones. The difference is, we eventually learn how to get out of our own way faster. We also find them easier to navigate once we know our Higher Power really does always have our back. Or so it has been for me.
I have at last come to understand my Higher Power has always been rooting for me on a personal level, pointing me in one clear direction - toward deepening our own one-to-one relationship - every single stumbling step along my way.
Afternoon!
ReplyDeleteJust want to thank you for another meaningful Blog. My life is so very much better since I stopped resisting. At 64, it's never too late eh?