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    Made a Decision

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                    The "Selfish Program" of Alcoholics Anonymous.

AA can get confusing. 

We get told we're "self-centered" and need to think of others - but then we’re advised that AA is "a selfish program" where we need to put ourselves first.

We're told we need to learn to love ourselves, but then we're told we should aim to follow the 3rd step prayer to the letter.

Here it is: "God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

I used to refer to the 3rd step prayer in my early meetings as "the Codependent Prayer," and it used to annoy the hell out of me. Which shows where I was at the start of my spiritual journey. 

AA is actually only "selfish" in the sense that its recovery program must come first in the life of a recovering addict. 

Many newcomers think their family must come first, or their job, or their social standing ... but without sobriety all those things (and more) will eventually be gone from the alcoholic's life. 

And if family, career, licenses, respect and hope are already gone, they can - and often do - return after the alcoholic experiences a period of good recovery in AA.

              (Without sobriety the losses just continue.)

The main difference between self-centered and selfish people is that a self-centered person has an excessive interest and concern for oneself, while a selfish person - in addition to that self interest and concern - also lacks consideration for others. 

Shrinks tell us that self-centered folks feel vulnerable, threatened and anxious about other people. There's often a fear of being unable to love or be loved.

If all that's true, then there's a lot of emotional pain wrapped up in being self-centered, and it can take a long old time in recovery to overcome it. 

But it's work we must do, according to our Big Book, because it's vital to our sobriety. Our book makes that crystal clear, stating: "Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles ... above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!"

Big Book also states elsewhere that alcoholism is a disease of self-centeredness. 

Then there's self-will, meaning a person dedicated to sticking to their own opinion and ideas, no matter what. These folks are convinced they are right and are willing to argue with anyone who might disagree.

 Our Book lets us know alcoholics are textbook cases of "self-will run riot." 

Like everyone with a bad case of selfish self-willed self-centeredness, I also suffered plenty of self-delusion and self-pity when I arrived in AA. We pretty much all seem to arrive with that kind of baggage to unpack. And we learn how to do that by doing it. Once we learn, and do the work of recovery, our lives - and relationships - get a lot easier.

Right there in the much-read Chapter Five it states: "Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments or our self-pity? That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate."

In other words: When we sober up physically and emotionally, and stop stepping on the toes and feelings of others, we don't get clobbered in return.

Selfishness, self-centeredness, and self-seeking all crop up throughout our AA literature, from the Big Book to the 12&12, and even in our much-loved AA Promises where we are told "self-seeking will slip away."

All my life before AA, and long-after in recovery, I expected people to do things for me and resented them if they didn't. I thought my wealthier friends should pick up the lunch tab. I thought they should always consider me to be their "best friend," not just "a friend." I thought they should find me monopolizing our conversations as endearing and not annoying. 

Self-centered? Me? Well, yes indeedy I was. To the extreme.

It takes clearing away the wreckage of the past, learning new ways to live, caring for our fellow AA members through service work, prayer and meditation, and a growing self-awareness before we can even see that we were indeed "self-will run riot" in our lives and in the lives of others.

We learn from our readings, our step work, our sponsors and our group members how to win out over our egocentric thoughts and actions. 

And now we’re back to my favorite non-word again: it takes a bit of SLOW-briety.