OKaysez

 

     

   Made a Decision 

(69)

           Our Cunning, Baffling, Powerful (and Patient) Disease

"I went to a meeting last night, I wasn’t feeling it. I was tired after my night shift and only having had four hours of sleep, but I’m so glad I went to hear an amazing share from one of our usual gents. He had been sober for 31 years, but seven years ago he went on a one week bender and nearly killed himself. I really needed to hear that ..."

I read that paragraph above recently and was reminded - as I so often am - of the dangers of becoming complacent about our recovery. Taking myself to meetings is an important part of staying vigilant.

In our meetings we are reminded over and over again of the dangers of skipping meetings, no matter how much sober time we may have. Denial being our middle name we need that reminder. And we need it often.

When Covid showed up and we were all suddenly having to go to meetings online, a lot of us old folks didn't like it. I was one of them. I whined about it for a week or two, but soon realized these were going to be our only meetings for an uncertain future, so I learned how to click my way to continued sobriety. A lot of old-timers didn't - and a lot of old-timers got drunk.

But resistance to change is something we drunks are comfortable with and we cling tenaciously to our doubts, fears, self-loathing or hatred of others, because we find security in our old familiar pain. 

Only when remaining stuck becomes more painful than having to change our behaviors do we become willing. Most of our pain comes not from change itself, but from our resistance to change. But change is how we move forward, it's how we grow. When we invite new things into our lives, new joys can arrive, too. 

Step Ten - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it - assists us with changing old patterns. Step Ten calls for daily self-appraisal and self-correcting when we veer off course. This forces us to grow in understanding about our motives and to bring about necessary changes in the way we live our lives.

None of this happens overnight, by the way. AA is our journey of a lifetime and every step of the way we will learn new things that require us to change for the better. To not do so puts us in danger of complacency and complacency is the path to relapse. 

We must always continue to watch for - and correct when necessary - selfishness, dishonesty, fear and resentment. When these old enemies rear their ugly heads we must immediately ask our Higher Power to remove them. 

As our literature bluntly states: 

"We must not rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."

And we must also share what we learn about ourselves with others, especially the stuff we'd rather keep to ourselves. That gets - and keeps - us humble. 

Want an example? How about the following written in 1961 by none other than Bill W. himself:

 "I used to be a champ at unrealistic self-appraisal. I wanted to look only at the part of my life which seemed good. Then I would greatly exaggerate whatever virtues I supposed I had attained. Next I would congratulate myself on the grand job I was doing. 

       "So my unconscious self-deception never failed to turn my few good assets into serious liabilities. This astonishing process was always a pleasant one . . . I was falling straight back into the pattern of my drinking days . . . 

 ... I shall forever regret the damage I did to people around me. Indeed, I still tremble when I realize what I might have done to A.A. and to its future."

If you are an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous you can bet that a power greater than yourself chose you to recover to be of service to yourself and others. 

We don't need to know why we were chosen when most alcoholics never even make it through the doors of AA, or stick around long even when they do. We just need to remain deeply grateful.

And to make changes in our lives when changes are called for. It's known in AA as doing-the-doing. 

Keep doing it.