I am currently reposting all 100 previously posted blogs that contain what I've learned about staying sober. Because AA has continued to work for a drunk like me since 1981, I know it can work for you. You'll have some real adventures along your sober way!
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If you wish to contact me personally with your comments, my email is: o.kay.dockside@gmail.com
Monday, July 12, 2021
Made a Decision
(21)
Make Use of What Others Have to Offer
Our AA founders taught us all the meaning of humility in many ways, including by taking no credit for creating our program of recovery.
According to Bill Wilson:
"A.A. was not invented! Its basics were brought to us through the experience and wisdom of many great friends. We simply borrowed and adapted their ideas.
"Thankfully, we have accepted the devoted services of many non-alcoholics. We owe our very lives to the men and women of medicine and religion."
As Bill Sees It, page 67
Our Big Book, in describing living the spiritual life, takes that even further by stating we must make use of what others have to offer.
While the literature of AA contains everything an alcoholic needs to know to stay sober, venturing further means to not be afraid of exploring various spiritual teachings to expand our own spiritual growth.
There's a lot of rigid thinking creeping into the program in today's meetings, but that's not new. Bob Pearson, AA's general services office manager in the 1970s and 80s, was worried about it even way back then:
"If you were to ask me what is the greatest danger facing AA today," he said. "I would have to answer: 'the growing rigidity - the increasing demand for absolute answers to nit-picking questions; pressure for GSO to 'enforce' our Traditions; screening alcoholics at closed meetings; prohibiting non-Conference-approved literature (ie: banning books); laying more and more rules on groups and members.'"
The ONLY requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. (Tradition Three.)
I've been called out by members for reading from "non-Conference-approved literature," and for "cross sharing" (I'll get to that in a minute), and even for being "too tough a sponsor" in suggesting we let people go when they are unwilling to do the steps of recovery!
But, as defined in AA, "We carry the message, not the alcoholic." Taking a person through all 12 steps is the sponsor's only actual real job, so when a sponsee keeps ducking that work I was taught we need to let them go.
That reluctant one may then become willing at a later date, but meanwhile there are people needing sponsorship who are ready and willing to do the work. In that moment they need us more.
To keep pushing an unwilling sponsee isn't sponsorship, it's codependency - a whole other recovery issue.
And what about "cross sharing" and "cross talk?" There seems to be a lot of confusion about these two phrases, but here's how it was explained to me by those old-timers who were around during my early recovery:
"Cross talk" is when someone is sharing and we butt in to give them our opinion on what they're saying. Not only is this rude, it can derail their train of thought and prevent them from saying what they need to say. Cross talk is not acceptable. We don't do it. Period.
But when a member shares something troubling them that we have successfully dealt with by using the tools of recovery, we tell them about our experience when it's our turn to share in that meeting.
That's "cross sharing," and it's what we are supposed to do in AA - to share our experience, strength and hope with a member in need.
Our entire fellowship is built on cross sharing, inside and outside of meetings.
Also, to "make use of what others have to offer," to explore the fullness of spiritual teachings as promoted by our AA founders, is not only desirable, it is our best adventure in recovery and in our life. There is some amazing stuff to be found out there.
I especially like this bit below from the Book of Proverbs (23: 29-35) in the New King James version of the "Big Big Book." (Bible). It pretty much describes us and our disease and I get cold chills every time I read it:
"Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has contentions? Who has complaints? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes?
Those who linger long at the wine, Those who go in search of mixed wine.
Do not look on the wine when it is red, When it sparkles in the cup, When it swirls around smoothly;
At the last it bites like a serpent, And stings like a viper.
Your eyes will see strange things, And your heart will utter perverse things.
Yes, you will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea, Or like one who lies at the top of the mast, saying:
They have struck me, but I was not hurt; They have beaten me, but I did not feel it. When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?”
Then there's this succinct quote from the Koran:
"If not now, when?"
Wiccans teach that we must "harm none."
Judaism tells us there is one God, incorporeal and eternal, who wants all people to do what is just and merciful. That all people are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
The golden rule of Confucianism is: “Do not do unto others what you would not want others to do unto you.”
In AA "We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations."
Alcoholics Anonymous 4th Edition, Working With Others, Page 93
Alcoholics Anonymous 4th Edition, Working With Others, Page 93
Reading various spiritual teachings strengthens and helps us develop our own relationship with our Higher Power.
And learning what the latest science has to teach us about our alcoholic brains is fascinating.
Go for it! Learn stuff!
But first and foremost, learn first-hand what AA actually teaches.
AA members don't enter into theological discussions, but in carrying our message of recovery we attempt to explain how living a spiritual life has worked for us.
How our developing a faith in a Higher Power has helped us overcome loneliness, fear and anxiety, and helped us get along with others.
How having a Higher Power in our lives has helped us overcome our desire for those things that would destroy us and replaced them with a simple and effective faith that works.
It's in our own best interest to become familiar with AA literature, to know what AA is - and is not. There are Big Book and 12&12 study groups in every country. Attend some, because in our regular meetings we will hear a lot of suggestions not based on our program of recovery. We won't know that unless we know what our program actually teaches.
We must rely on the teachings of AA to keep on track, but accept there is a lot of good stuff heard in meetings that isn't the gospel as taught in AA. If something appeals, and the person sharing it has some AA credibility, don't be afraid to experiment with it.
Like journaling, for instance.
It's a great tool in recovery, and as far as I know there's nothing about it in our literature.
Or giving ourselves a gold star (shiny sticky ones are still around) in those same journals whenever we do something good that was difficult for us. Then, when having a bad day, flip back through your journal and read the entry whenever you find a gold star. It won't take more than three stars to remember you've done some hard stuff to be proud of.
Or, the next time someone gives you a pretty blank book, using it to collect inspiring quotes that can also provide a lift of spirits on a down day. (I call mine my sanity books.)
We'll hear about a lot of these various techniques that aren't to be found in our literature - from affirmations to daily exercise - but when used they can help our minds and bodies get healthier.
Don't let fear of doing something new and different get in your way.
Seek joy. Be joyful. Joy is our birthright!
Monday, July 5, 2021
Made a Decision
(20)
Growing Up in AA
"Hey - remember when you were a little kid and couldn't wait to be a grown up? To get to do all those neat things that grown ups get to do?
"They" didn't tell you about the shitty hard parts, did they?
Bastards! 
"I sent that exact same message in a lengthy email to a young friend of mine following a sudden life lesson in codependency that had hurled her into a bit of recovery madness, right into the kind of situation that too often sends newcomers back to drinking.
She got through that lesson with flying colours, BTW. She did so by using all the tools of AA recovery at her disposal ... lots of meetings, talks with her sponsor, reaching out to AA friends, and ultimately the hard part - replacing old familiar bad behaviors with new and healthy ones.
And what she did is damned hard to do. We can so easily say, "It works when we work it" - and we often do - but it can get very, very hard indeed when we are actually faced with having to DO some of that work.
Our personal "grace period" in AA can run from mere days to even years before we are called upon to actually do the hard work of applying new methods to old problems. But that day does come, and it's never easy.
Old behaviors are as comfortable as old slippers. We can slip into them far easier than we do into new shoes, even when we wouldn't really want anyone to see us wearing our unattractive old comfys out in public.
It is said that alcoholics stop maturing when they start drinking. Having had to begin my own growing up at 37 instead of following through with that process at 17, I believe it. (Sadly I still remain 20 years behind my non-alcoholic peer group in sooooooo many ways). 
And while some of today's alcoholic-authority-
Here's what it says: " ... When AA was quite young, a number of eminent psychologists and doctors made an exhaustive study of a good-sized group of so-called problem drinkers. The doctors weren't trying to find how different we were from one another; they sought to find whatever personality traits, if any, this group of alcoholics had in common. They finally came up with a conclusion that shocked the AA members of that time. These distinguished men had the nerve to say that most of the alcoholics under investigation were still childish, emotionally sensitive, and grandiose."
Even suffering from those childish, emotional and grandiose handicaps, I still managed to do some of the things non-drinkers did in my 20s and 30s. I got married, had children, began a career, bought property, cars, and all that grown-up stuff.
But, except for the career part, where I worked my ass off and did very well (for a time) - I was mostly crap at the rest of it.
Drinking put paid to my marriage, made me an impatient mother, cost me friendships, frustrated those who loved me, and eventually found me living with my four children in a two-room flat in my parent's house, driving a beat up clunker of a car, and - ultimately - it cost me my job security.
I was always an overachiever at my job (perfectionism), but ultimately no employer wants to deal with a continually hungover employee who might - or might not - be able to make it into work.
Starting the growing up process at 30, 40, 50, 60 (or sometimes even older) carries with it problems non-alcoholics generally haven't had to face.
When we've never dated without a courage-making drink beforehand, or never danced sober, or (the big one) never had sober sex - dating can be a minefield of fear and uncertainty.
Add to that a dash of codependency involving the need for hostage taking and the dating game for many recovering alcoholics sees relationships become a trip that leads straight back to drinking.
Relationships get started, and ended, on that very slippery ground. Some people don't survive them.
Literally.
Pulling someone has more than a few earmarks of ego stroking in it. As in, I am desirable, I am attractive, and so on. (The key word here being "I"). We are all of those things, but we have to learn to actually believe that about ourselves without having someone prove it to us. It takes a bit of work, and a bit of time, but it's worth it.
(For non-Brits, "pulling someone" is the same as "being on the make" in the states. Or at least it used to be when I was still doing it).
AA friends are the best kind. Male and female AA friends. But it really is best that friendship remain just that until we have a couple of years of sober living under our belts.
(If needed, buy yourself a good sex toy to take care of that particular need in the meantime.)
Throwing ourselves into helping others with their recovery - as our AA literature recommends - is a damned good idea, too. AA gives us everything we need to examine our motives and actions and then to act in a new and better way. Also, in helping others, we get to learn a lot more about ourselves!
I once heard in a long-ago meeting, "We attract what we are."
That scared me! I didn't know very much about me at that time, but I sure as hell knew I didn't want a partner who was anything like me! 
Hearing we attract what we are opened up a whole new dimension of working to improve myself, using AA's tool kit.
Hearing we attract what we are opened up a whole new dimension of working to improve myself, using AA's tool kit. When we strive to be our best awhile we'll find the people showing up in our life will be of the highest and most supportive quality. They really are worth the wait.
Love of God, Love of self, only THEN are we really ready for more.
Patience! It's all about SLOW-briety!!!
But growing up in AA is about much more than relationships.
In our drinking days many of us used money (especially plastic money) to buy drinks, friends, sex, and "stuff" of all kinds - from expensive vacations to the newest fashions - all without a moment's thought for tomorrow's obligations. So money management, too, becomes part of our goal when growing up in AA.
Time management is another one. No one can mismanage time like an alcoholic. We're either full throttle all the time until we collapse with exhaustion, or we're stuck on procrastinate and never finish anything we set out to do.
The full-speed-ahead crowd learns over time in AA how to become a human being and just not a human doing.
The procrastinators learn over time in AA how to set aside their worry that they won't do the job at hand perfectly - and then to just do it!
Also:
Grownups don't live on junk food.
Grownups know that exercise is good for the body and brain, that getting out in the sunshine gets rid of depression.
Grownups recognize when they find themselves addicted to their phones or Facebook.
Grownups know when they're spending more time gaming than living.
Grownups start to recognize when they begin obsessing.
Grownups then take whatever step (or steps) necessary to fix these and similar roadblocks that stop them having their best quality of sober life.
I realize that in today's blog I sound even more than usual like a preachy old lady. I am one, of course, but I preach only what I know for sure. And I know AA's tool kit of recovery got me safely through many of those same dangerous fires and kept me sober in the process (smoking sometimes, but intact). It will do the same for you!
We are all on the AA road to becoming grownups, past the crap parts and on to the real benefits being a grownup can bring - loving relationships, terrific friendships, bills paid, fun enjoyed, good mental and physical health, freedom from anxiety ... the list is long and lovely!
It's all because AA really does work - "When we work it."
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