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Monday, September 20, 2021

 Made A Decision

(31)

The 13th Step - and More.

The woman in the meeting was angry and she said so:

"I almost didn't come to this meeting tonight because I knew (name) was going to be here and he's always hitting on me. He hits on half the women who come here. I've let him know I'm not interested, but he keeps at it all the time. I'm sick of it. And there are other women who won't come to this meeting anymore because of him."

The meeting went uncomfortably silent for several seconds. 

Then the chairman looked directly at the man named and said, "It's high time you learned that the women in these rooms are our sisters in sobriety. And we won’t have any incest in here."

That woman was incredibly brave to speak up and the meeting chairman handled it well. Sadly, that isn't always the case.

There are indeed sexual predators in the rooms of AA, of both sexes. Thankfully, there aren't many of them, but they do show up from time to time to prey on the weak and vulnerable.

Newcomers can be very vulnerable.

The worst of those predators are people with some time in recovery, because newcomers are prone to look up to them. It's a respect they don't deserve and can lead to disaster for the person who has placed them on a pedestal.

Other predators can present themselves to appear weak and needy, seemingly struggling to stay sober. They reach out for help to more seasoned recovering addicts who, thinking the hand of AA is needed, can become trapped in a very sticky web of deceit. 

Old timers can be vulnerable, too.

Predatory behavior in AA is called "13th Stepping," and it is both frowned upon and dangerous. It is an ugly evil misuse of AA's primary purpose, "... to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers."

So how to stay out of these traps?

When in doubt about anyone's attention and intentions, talk with others in the program who have a bit of recovery time. Don't just talk with one person, talk with several.

Tell them your concerns about the person you are feeling uncomfortable about. Get their input on that person. Get their advice on how to best handle the situation.

In extreme cases, ask for long-time members of the group to have a talk with that person about their behavior.

I had a young sponsee who was actually being stalked by a man in AA. He backed her into corners at meeting's end or followed her to her car afterward and tried to engage in unwelcome conversations.

But it wasn't until she saw him "jogging" through her neighborhood (many miles from where he actually lived) that she told me about it.

I then had a talk with the man. It was not a friendly talk and he stopped bothering her.

I tell you this only to point out a more experienced AA member can sometimes speak directly to the problem in a way that might make a newcomer feel uncomfortable.

Learning to enjoy our own company allows us to become far less vulnerable to those self-centered slick-talkers who prey upon others, both inside and outside the rooms of AA.  

But what about men and women who aren't predators? What about those lovely people in the rooms to whom we are naturally attracted? What about relationships? 

What about love???

A good sponsor will advise the newly sober to avoid any new relationships, other than friendships, for up to two years in early recovery. By then they'll have a good grounding in staying sober and be enjoying their new way of living.

And, while I know such a leap of imagination may be difficult for you, I wasn't always an old woman in AA. I arrived at the age of 37 with a body full of hormonal juices and a head full of crazy. I haven't died from being celibate during stretches of time in recovery, and neither will you.

Our founding members had quite a lot to say about love and sex after finding sobriety. Blow the dust of your Big Book and 12&12 and have a read.

There is information in the Big Book on getting back together with estranged spouses, about methods to quiet our sexual urges, about pausing when agitated (aka: horny) and asking for the next right thought or action.

The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book goes into still more detail. Step Five in the 12&12 has a lot to offer about dealing with loneliness. The book touches on the topic in many other chapters, too, offering a great deal on that topic in Step Twelve.

And then there are those of us who have fears about never having a relationship again, or being afraid to even get into a relationship. What do we do about that?

Many who arrive in AA fear they'll never be able to dance again, never mind facing the fear of having sober sex. Both can be terrifying and unnerving to contemplate, but the good news is - like riding that proverbial bicycle - neither is impossible.

When your Higher Power thinks you're ready to deal with being in a relationship, your partner will show up. And when they do, if you have done your AA homework thoroughly, you'll be able to be in a relationship as a grown up, not as a clingy, needy or abusive victim.

Many problems arise when we forget AA is not a social club or dating service. We are here to address the facts about our progressive and fatal disease by applying the steps of recovery - and to help our fellow suffering alcoholics achieve that same goal.

When we jump into a relationship too soon, we set ourselves - and our partner - up for heartbreak. Relationships early in recovery are lived out on slippery ground and many of them end with one or both people drinking again. (With drinking for us being a potential death sentence, do you really want that in your next fourth step?)

"To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. 

If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. 

This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."
Alcoholics Anonymous 4th Edition
How It Works, pg. 70

Instead of obsessing about being in a relationship (as so many of us do), write down instead how you'd like your entire life to look in a year's time. 

Include your health, career, travel, hobbies, housing, friends, romance and more. Put your wish list away to read again in 12 months.

Then get busy working the program of AA: Stay sober, develop AA friendships, help others, and learn in the process what makes you tick and feel good about yourself.

In the 12&12 it tells us, "We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole aim of our lives."

(Can I get an "amen?")

My first sponsor, Mary Z., was one smart cookie. Early on in my recovery she told me:

"AA is a perfect program full of some very sick people. And we attract what we are. So if you want a relationship, work on becoming the best person you can become until your perfect partner shows up."

And I suggest you take my old sponsor's advice and use it, since I didn't. Very early on I opted for having a relationship with a wet drunk instead. That "romance" over time spiraled me downward into a depression that damn near killed me.

Some people only learn from their own mistakes.

Smart people learn from the mistakes of others.

Be a smart person.