Made A Decision
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Sponsorship
From our earliest days in AA we are advised to "get a sponsor."
That's because when we are new to recovery, there is a lot we don’t know. Over time we'll learn it in meetings, but we can get a jump start on all of it by working with a sponsor.
AA meetings in general promote sponsorship. That's where we'll often hear things like: "I have a sponsor, and my sponsor has a sponsor, and my sponsor's sponsor has a sponsor."
- or -
"Anyone who thinks they can sponsor themselves has a fool for a sponsor."
We will also get praise from our fellow members when we proudly announce we have found ourselves a sponsor.
But sponsorship, like many things in AA, has evolved over time:
The meetings of the 1940s fostered participatory sponsorship and many newcomers were sponsored by two or more A.A. members, the sponsor and his or her apprentice(s). Early A.A.’s described this relationship as co-sponsorship.
I recently heard a devil's advocate (almost all AA meetings have one of these) point out that nowhere in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous does it tell the newcomer, or any other member of A.A., to get a sponsor.
He said in the first 88 pages of the Big Book there are only references about working with other alcoholics, specifically meaning a couple of alcoholics working together to put the AA program into action, as pictured below.
(BTW, I have no idea how I managed to get this picture in here. So don't expect fancy high tech stuff like this in the future.)
But I'm not a page counter or Big Book thumper. I know what's in it, but I don't use it to try and batter people into my way of thinking.
From my own reading I've come to believe a sponsor is just someone who takes on the job of walking someone through the twelve steps of recovery and then hangs around as a friend in recovery.
That's what I do as a sponsor and have done so for many years. We go through one step a month for one year, my having found that anyone - no matter how busy their lifestyle - can set aside time to take one step a month.
When we meet, we read, discuss and spend a couple of hours doing the work, as outlined in our 12&12 book. And - of course - if my sponsee runs head on into a problem between our set meeting times, we will meet up to talk about how to use AA's tools of recovery to resolve their situation.
At year's end we will have done all twelve steps together and they are then ready to take on the sponsoring of others. We will have also spent some time on our important AA Traditions.
By year's end we will have become good friends who will continue to meet up on a regular basis to chat, But - while they usually still call me their sponsor - I believe my actual sponsorship duty has been fulfilled.
My job - as I define it - is to get them working the steps of recovery in their own lives and to get them ready to sponsor others.
There is always a need for sponsorship in our program and a person with a year or two of good recovery, having worked all twelve steps and become familiar with our traditions, is far more able to sponsor a raw newcomer than someone with many years of recovery.
Old timers can easily forget the pain often encountered in brand new sobriety. Someone who has been there more recently relates better, and has a lot more to offer.
I've heard it said that by becoming willing to listen to a sponsor we learn to listen to someone with a higher vision than our own. And that, in turn, guides us toward learning to listen for direction from our Higher Power. If that's true, it's a great outcome.
Many AA members view sponsorship as a long (sometimes lifetime) commitment of care. If that works for them, that's fine by me.
But I think caution should always be taken to not become too dependent on a sponsor's wisdom regarding anything other than recovery from addiction.
All a sponsor really has is more sober time than the sponsee, along with the knowledge on how they got there. No sponsor is all knowing, all seeing, all powerful.
And if a sponsor starts enjoying being viewed that way - as the old song says - "there may be trouble ahead."
A pedestal is something anyone can fall from.
Too much praise from a sponsee can lead to the growth of too much ego in a sponsor. An inflated ego is dangerous for anyone, but is especially so for us drunks.
Some sponsors demand their sponsees contact them every single day. Maybe that's even a good idea for the first few weeks in recovery. I know it has worked for many. But I don't do it.
I'm more comfortable when an AA member calls when they are confused or troubled on how to deal with a situation.
And especially to call if their thoughts start to fixate on drinking!
As a good friend of mine said to me recently, "I tell my sponsees to call me before they pick up a drink, because then I can help them head that off. If they wait and call me after they've had a drink, it's too late."
I've actually heard AA members say they don't make any decision about anything (medical, psychological, financial, legal, spiritual, or their relationships) without first getting advice from their sponsor.
To me that's a recipe for creating co-dependent AA members unable to function independently in their own lives.
It's true that we are often immature when we begin our recovery journey, but even so we arrive as adults seeking at long last to grow up mentally, physically and spiritually.
The sooner we can manage that - with the help of our Higher Power - the better.
The best way to do that is outlined in our Big Book, where it states:
In the Morning:
We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use.
During the day:
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision.
We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems.
In the evening:
After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
Taking these actions, morning, noon and night, will keep our need for constant contact with a sponsor to a minimum. Our goal, after all, is not dependency on another human being, but to develop our trust in the guidance of our Higher Power.
I was taught early on that we always need a sponsor. So, after my lovely first sponsor left me for that greater meeting on high, I asked another woman to sponsor me.
We began by again working the steps and eventually met up for her to hear my Fifth Step. I had barely begun when the shaming began.
She condemned my current behavior regarding a relationship, she outlined the ways in which I "should" behave, and then - before she could stick a pitchfork into my soul and bag it as a keeper - I fired her.
I had been truly fortunate in having had a good sponsor at the onset, good enough for me to recognize this woman wasn't there to help me, but to judge me. It didn't work, because I had already been taught: "As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone."
A sponsor is there to support us, encourage us, and inspire us - never to judge or condemn us. Our sponsor takes us through the 12 steps of recovery and teaches us about our traditions. A sponsor will sometimes suggest we change behaviors that can hurt us, but they won't set out to make us feel bad about our choices.
The first six women I asked to sponsor me when I arrived in AA turned me down. And, looking back at the me who arrived in AA, I don't blame them.
But my Higher Power knew I needed that six-pack lesson in humility - and also that the perfect sponsor was out there for me.
I found her on the 7th try. We were a perfect fit.
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