Note: I had some formatting problems today, with my computer wanting to squash some things too close together and spacing others out too far. It is beyond my tech skills to fix, but it is still at least readable.
Made A Decision
Our Disease of Perception
We read in our AA literature and we hear in meetings that we have a disease of perception.
What does that mean?
It means we alcoholics do not see things as they actually are.
We see things as WE are.
So, when we are angry, judgmental, envious, jealous, fearful or full of pride, our view of the world - and everything in it - will reflect that perception.
Conversely, if we are filled with gratitude, serenity, hope, joy, patience,and willingness to get out of our own way to let our Higher Power handle our problems, our view of the world - and everything in it - will reflect that perception.
Moving our thoughts from (a) to (b) - and keeping them there at least most of the time - is the aim and story of our entire recovery journey.
I read just this morning in our Daily Reflections quote addressing this from our Big Book : This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.
That entire reading (16th of October) describes the progress of our journey from distorted thinking to reality. It is a comfort to know we don’t “get it” all right away. A brain damaged by the relentless application of alcohol and other drugs for years, often decades, doesn’t heal overnight.
But heal it will as we learn how to apply our program of recovery to living our lives.
I am often amazed, and occasionally even amused, at the resentments newcomers share with me about all manner of things, and by their inability to see their part in it. But, as a newcomer once myself, I know I was exactly the same. I have my journals to prove it whenever I try to remember myself differently. My ability to always think of myself first is on every page in those first weeks, months and years of my early recovery.
I’m rereading those journals at the moment as I research material for a family history and my absolute indifference to the needs of others if their needs got in my way is stunning. I am so grateful to AA I don’t have to live that way today.
And my long ago journals starkly reveal my glaring disease of perception. I can remember thinking I was living the AA program beautifully back then - I certainly was living it to the best of my ability - but as I reread I see I was full of every possible negative emotion much of the time.
I fought with other members. I got angry with my amazingly patient sponsor. I slammed out of meetings in fury. I gossiped about other members. I even, for an ego-ridden time, considered rewriting the “old fashioned” A.A. Big Book.
Amidst all that continuing old behavior I “perceived” myself justified in every thought and action, totally blind to my controlling nature, inflexibility, and the astonishing size of my inflated ego.
I was just as blind to the meaning behind the small smiles of AA oldtimers when in meetings I waxed eloquent about my recovery. I “perceived” those smiles as recognition of my superior recovery over others having my length of sobriety.
When a meeting topic was “resentments,” I nodded in complete agreement at the dangers of harboring any resentment, completely oblivious I was harboring resentments for at least three people in every meeting.
If our discussion was about honesty I could contribute with enthusiasm and then tell three lies before I even left the building.
And so on.
So if I could get past that kind of world view of the world, you can, too.
Just don’t be impatient with yourself. A concert pianist doesn’t jump right from practicing the scales to concertos. And even they will have days where they play their music in the gaps between the keys and not on the keys themselves. No one - ever - is perfect all the time.
That is especially true of this recovery thing.
(I know for sure that I can still lose my temper with the best of them, I’m just a lot “calmer” about it now.)
If we are staying sober we are right where we are supposed to be in our recovery today. By adding to our knowledge about what our program has to offer, by attending book study meetings, and hanging out with the winners in our program, we will soon be much further along our path to that “life beyond our wildest dreams!”
Our Big Book says: I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
By the time we take that step we already have more understanding of our powerlessness and have made our decision to turn our will and my lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him.
We merely ask God to decide which defects stand in the way of our usefulness to Him and then ask Him to remove them. But once our HP is in charge, we don't get to decide which defects, or how soon, or in what order, they’ll get removed.
The same hands-off applies when we are in disharmony with anyone. We learn over time to pray for those people who disturb us. Not that prayer where we ask God to “give them what they deserve” (as I certainly did), but to say “God bless them,” and mean it. Because over time we learn by blessing others - especially those others we don’t like - we become blessed tenfold in return.
If punishment of someone is called for that’s a God job. God is far more creative than we can ever be for dishing out exactly what’s needed. It’s easy to doubt that sometimes when we see people prosper whom we think should be suffering, but we are not privy to their thoughts in their sleepless hours, either - or what lies in their future.
Our timing for punishment of others - or anything else - is not God’s timing.
As my brother once wisely told me, “God is on Eternal Time. We’re on Daylight Savings.”
Do I have any hard feelings about other members or another A.A. group? Am I critical of the ways in which group members act - think? Do I feel another member or group is wrong and broadcast it?
Or do I realize all A.A. members, in spite of any handicaps they may have, still have something to offer, some good they can bring to A.A.? Do I believe that there is a place for all, provided they are following A.A. traditions? Do I realize they can be effective even if I don't agree with them? Am I tolerant of people and groups?
We learn, over time, and often after painful lessons, to understand the importance of these things.
And of patience - with others and, most importantly, with ourselves.
We see everything in one dimension and direction, but God sees all the way around. We act in haste, but God waits for the right moment to give us the perfect job, partner, house, car, or life experience.
Patience!
Sure we can crash through every door toward getting what we want right now, but learning to wait for God’s timing can save us from a lot of painful bruises. I speak from my vast number of black and blue experiences. (Very slow learner, me).
Newcomers worry a lot about what God is or what God isn’t, but seldom give nearly as much thought to their own purpose for even being alive. If we eventually conclude our flesh suit also has a soul, and that our purpose may involved lessons to educate that soul of ours, we can then learn A.A. gives us all the tools needed to do just that.
I’ve come to believe our spiritual progress gets delayed when we chose to focus on the needs and desires of our bodies over the needs and desires of our souls.
We certainly need to look after our bodies, but our souls need nurturing, too.
A.A. supports our having compassion for others, for helping other still-suffering alcoholics, for turning to prayer and meditation as part of our daily recovery, for our becoming more honest, less judgmental, kinder, more responsible, loving, supportive, and so on.
As these qualities are developed our perception of what’s important in life changes and develops, too.
We are told in AA that ours is a physical, mental and spiritual illness. The desperation we felt when we arrived at our first meeting was a huge symptom of our soul sickness. I was so soul-sick of myself and my way of living I could barely look at myself in a mirror. I don’t ever want to forget the condition I was in when I got here.
There’s no need for us to try and be perfectionist about our recovery, but we must become ‘completionists.” If we start it, we must finish it.
If we want to enjoy the best possible recovery, we must learn to recover.
It’s usually only our attitude that needs changing so that our perception of a given situation can change. Is that an easy fix? No. It takes practice. It takes daily practice. But it is doable.
Daily effort to improve ourselves has consequences, too.
Learning to ignore most things is one of the greatest paths to inner peace.
Surrendering our willfulness is often our first and greatest victory.
As our Big Book states: The only problems I have today are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will.”
When I find myself complaining or blaming I know I’m in trouble. Those two things can distort my perception, destroy my inner power completely and render me a victim, because these show me I am still expecting solutions and changes from others.
We must find our wisdom for ourselves - and apply it, which means seeking a broader clearer view. Years ago, to remind me that ours is a disease of perception, I hung this sign over my desk and it's still there to remind me. It reads:
“Don’t believe everything you think!”
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