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Made a Decision

                           The Rules of AA

There are none. 

There are no rules in AA. 

There are only "suggestions" and long-established expectations for members that boil down to: Be considerate, attentive and don't disrupt meetings.

Alcoholics, by temperament, don't respond well to orders. Were we told we MUST do the steps, MUST do AA service work, MUST believe in God, MUST behave in a certain way in meetings, our program of recovery would have died long ago. 

Our Founders knew their audience. They didn't tell us to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD. The gave us a Higher Power of our own understanding. No dogma, just an open door leading to an ever-expanding spiritual path.

It is traditional for AA members to gently teach newcomers through a time-tested method of using  "I" messages that convey all those important things newcomers need to know.

 Instead of saying "YOU need to do all the steps in order," we say things like, "My sponsor suggested our steps are laid out and numbered in order for a reason. She said I didn't need to fear Step Nine, because after I had done the first eight steps I would be ready to do Step Nine. And she was right."

We never tell fellow members what they should do to get well. We don't "should" on our fellow members, we tell them what we did, and do, to get better. 

When well used, "I" messages aren't about ego. They're instead an effective and proper use of the word "I".

Newcomers have no idea how to behave when they first arrive in AA. How could they? We learn these things over time. Many newcomers say very little and study the behavior of others before doing much participation. Others try to dominate meetings with interruptions and their own interpretation of how others need to behave. 

Those who study first and participate later are no problem. They'll soon find their way. Those who wish to dominate must sometimes be confronted by their sponsor, or more seasoned members (if they haven't yet found a sponsor) to show them a better way.

I was an AA "two stepper" at the start of my own recovery - I'd taken the first step and wanted to go straight to number 12 and carry a message of recovery to others I didn't yet have. Fortunately I found a sponsor who knew how to reign me in.

No one is unique in AA and the two most dangerous words in a recovering alcoholic's vocabulary are, "I'm different."  

Our stories may run the gamut from highly dramatic adventures involving police, jails, car wrecks, domestic violence, and blackout crimes. Or we may have just have quietly sat at home drinking ourselves into oblivion. Either way, the root cause of our misery was alcoholism.

 Fortunately our disease eventually makes us willing to jump into the AA lifeboat. Once there we must learn to row together to save ourselves from further disaster. So in meetings we don't talk down to fellow members.

Nor do we use phrases like "you alcoholics." 

When we speak in a meeting it is customary to give our name, followed by "and I am an alcoholic." But we don't label anyone else there an alcoholic, especially newcomers. That is for them to discover.

We don't cross talk - meaning we don't interrupt or comment aloud when another member is speaking. Their need to share without anyone derailing their thoughts is sacrosanct in AA.

But we can cross share, in fact our entire program is built on a foundation of one alcoholic sharing experience, strength and hope with another. 

Here's how that works: 

When a member is sharing about a problem they're having that we have personal experience in overcoming by using the tools of AA recovery we can say so when it is our turn to share.

We share on topic first - and then can add something like, "When J. shared earlier about that problem with his boss I was reminded I once had that same problem. My sponsor told me to pray for her. And even though I didn't want to, I did. And it worked, because ... 

 "I learned my boss had a kid in the hospital and was cross from worry and not mad at me  ... "

or ... "my boss and I were actually soon able to have a good talk about her expectations from me ... "

or ... "the company soon moved my boss to another office ... "

or whatever the prayerful solution turned out to be.

Part of a sponsor's job is to teach us about AA. My first sponsor taught me to arrive at meetings 10 minutes early and leave 10 minutes afterwards. I was told to use those 20 minutes to help others set up the room, make coffee and hot water for tea, and to clean up afterwards while chatting with other AA worker bees.

(We can come early to Zoom meetings, too, and get better acquainted with those there.)

She also taught me to: apologize if I was late; to not whisper to those nearby during a meeting; get my cuppa before the meeting started and, unless I had a sudden below-decks problem, to wait until after the meeting to visit the toilet.

 I was taught to share and read when asked; watch for and greet newcomers warmly; become active in group service, and much more. Today I would add no texting or playing online games during a meeting  (I've seen both); Turn off phones when entering any meeting; and in Zoom - no cooking, eating or otherwise wandering around the house during meetings.

If there is an emergency situation in your life where you might have to take a call, set your phone on silent alert. If you then must leave you can turn off your audio and video and do so quietly.

When we attend religious services, weddings, funerals, public hearings  or the theater, we don't indulge in wandering around disturbing others. We certainly can control ourselves for the length of time it takes to sit through a meeting. 

We show respect for our program by listening to the beginning readings and to others when they share (even those we think talk too much). We can be around AA a long time and then suddenly identify with something we've heard read many times. The same is true of hearing something said that can forever enhance our own recovery.

I believe my Higher Power speaks to me through the people in my meetings. Or, as I've heard said, "My Higher Power has to wear skin for me to hear my answers."

Some people, even groups, have a problem with members who use swear words to express themselves. I'm not one of them. A little blue language won't hurt us, whereas a pious and judgmental attitude will.

Gossip can kill. Don't do it. We need to always remember we alcoholics are highly sensitive people dealing with a deadly disease. Even one thoughtless comment to-or-about someone might drive them out of AA  - and that could be their death sentence. 

AA is our safe place. We need to keep it safe for everyone.

Once we learn, and put AA's "suggestions" into practice, we become active contributing members of AA and not just uninvolved visitors.