Made A Decision
I watched the news last night (always a mistake) and heard the sad report of a teenager who committed suicide over gossip spread about her online. Sadly, I have seen the same thing happen in A.A. when gossip spread online, or on the phone, over a cuppa, or whispered in the back of the meeting room.
It's called "character assassination" in our literature, but whatever terms we use, gossip is a killer.
Newly recovering alcoholics are as fragile as butterflies. Our skin is as thin as tissue paper. We arrive with the social skills of the age where we first sought escape in drinking, meaning most of us are 40-or-50-something-year-old young teenagers. Some of us are mere tweens. Teenagers are moody buggers and so are we.
As it says on page 125 in our Big Book: We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap.
Teenagers lash out at others when bad moods are upon them.
We do, too.
The problem is, while we can dish it with relish, we often can't take it.
And before we develop coping skills (like those we learn over time in recovery), our first choice for when we "can't take it," is usually to run away.
Even now when I'm under extreme pressure my mind starts looking for ways to escape. My first thoughts when hurting involve looking for how I can get away. I no longer run (too old to run now anyway), but I still think about it as a first option.
Some of our “stuff” is pretty hardwired in.
Gossip, however, is part of early recovery. I certainly did my share of it. We talked about one another constantly, as all teenagers do. And that's fine. It's OK to tell another - - behind So and So's back - that we like So and So's new hairdo, or car, or puppy.
The problems arrive when our talk turns mean, and we do that, too.
We tell others we think So and So might be drinking or using.
We tell others we think So and So is sneaking around behind their partner's back.
We tell others So and So might be the person who took money out of the A.A. clubhouse ...
It isn’t difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill when we just add a little dirt.
But then - as ALWAYS happens - our targeted So and So hears about the talk we've spread far and wide.
Shock!
Bewilderment!
Hurt!
Fury!
There's an element of panic in that discovery on their part, too, because they have just discovered A.A. is no longer their safe place.
And if A.A. is no longer safe, there is nothing left for them. They then often leave A.A. and many don't come back.
Some will die because of A.A. gossip.
It happens.
I've seen it.
If we have gossiped about someone we might owe them an amend, too. Our 12 & 12 book calls out our behavior in no uncertain terms:
Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.
Sometimes I don't realize that I gossiped about someone until the end of the day, when I take an inventory of the day's activities, and then, my gossiping appears like a blemish in my beautiful day. How could I have said something like that?
Gossip shows its ugly head during a coffee break or lunch with business associates, or I may gossip during the evening, when I'm tired from the day's activities, and feel justified in bolstering my ego at the expense of someone else.
And the book ends with this warning:
Character defects like gossip sneak into my life when I am not making a constant effort to work the Twelve Steps of recovery. I need to remind myself that my uniqueness is the blessing of my being, and that applies equally to everyone who crosses my path in life's journey. Today the only inventory I need to take is my own. I'll leave judgement of others to the Final Judge - Divine Providence
We must always try to remember that ours is a progressive and fatal disease. Running our mouths for the sake of a bit of gossip can be fatal for someone, because for us to drink again is a death sentence.
And an alcoholic trying to stay dry on their own is like a fish trying to live on dry land. (Yes, there is a fish known as the Walking Catfish that manages that trick, but 99.9 percent of fish can't.) And 99.9 percent of alcoholics can't stay dry without help in our very wet society, either.
Long term or short term, drinking alcoholics live a life of misery and growing despair.
Don't you remember???
In the horror of that life many chose to end their lives, seeking that long term solution for their temporary problem.
(Or, as I once heard said to someone who had botched their suicide attempt, "I'm glad you fucked it up. If you had died you would have been killing the wrong person, because you are no longer that person.")
Think of how you would feel hearing So and So committed suicide perhaps because of something you said about them? Do you really want that on your next Fourth Step? Could you live long enough with that burden to even write another Fourth Step? Something that painful might very well trigger your own escape back into a bottle.
On occasion I have worked hard to 12-step people into meetings and then saw them leave because of gossip or unkindness.
In one case, back before cell phones, my newbie had a beeper in case he got called into work. Not turning up for work meant a hefty monetary penalty for him. His beeper went off so he stood up to leave and a know-it-all "oldtimer" - with no knowledge of the newbie's job - took him to task in front of everyone for disturbing the meeting!
My newbie never returned to A.A..
And I hung onto my resentment with that oldtimer for a dangerously long time, because resentment, as we all should know by now, can cost us our own sobriety. And I know this, because a thoughtless "oldtimer" nearly drove me out of A.A. with a thoughtless remark during my first year in recovery.
So I am never intentionally unkind to newer A.A members,
but I have inadvertently offended more than one with my often blunt remarks, or my inability to always give them the non-stop attention they crave.
Some have let me know immediately when I have stepped on their touchy toes, but others leave me to learn of my offense second hand. Either way, I always apologise and mostly my apology is accepted,
but not always.
That's because, unfortunately, some newcomers are looking for any excuse to go out and drink again.
We all make mistakes, no matter how hard we try not to, but we can not go wrong by being considerate of every fellow A.A. member. When we fail we must attempt an amend. And, as with every amend, it doesn't really matter how it's received as long as we clean up our own side of the street. Our future behavior is sure to be improved as a result.
I do not speak from any lofty mountain top about gossip (or anything else, for that matter). I once had to quit a job I loved because, despite my prayers and every effort I was capable of at the time, I could not stop myself from joining in the office gossip. I didn't want to do it, but I seemed powerless to stop, so in desperation I finally left.
It took me a long old time afterward to realize my Higher Power hadn't wanted me to stay in that job. Pride and selfishness can make us want things that are not good for us. And pride and selfishness can block our ability to be useful to others - or to expect our prayers to be answered. I had a lot of growing up to do before I could possibly have steered clear of all the gossip in that exciting, but toxic, work environment. I might not have been able to stay sober had I stayed. It broke my heart to leave, but I'm grateful today that I was able to walk away.
If there is a problem with gossip in our A.A. group there are recourses we can take:
We can talk with our sponsors.
When it's our turn to chair we can make the topic "Why we don't gossip in A.A."
When necessary we can change our meetings and make it our business in our new group to stick with the winners. You'll know them because winners are not the ones sitting around relentlessly gossiping about other members.
Winners don't need to put others down to build themselves up. When we hang out with them we learn how to do the same.
There will always be people inside and outside of A.A. who will invite you to join them in gossiping about others.
But it's best for our recovery to guard our thoughts and guard our tongues.
After all, Gossip can kill.
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