Made A Decision

One Day at a Time is all About Acceptance 

        (And acceptance is the answer to all our problems.)

            

         An expectation is a resentment under construction - Lloyd E.

Alcoholics in recovery seem to mainly come in two flavors - hard-charges and foot-draggers.

Hard chargers lives are lived anywhere from months to years ahead down the road. 

Foot-draggers can't see the future through the mists of the past. 

Hard charges launch huge projects. Foot draggers forever procrastinate. 

So it's no wonder our lovely little AA motto, right over there on the clubhouse wall, that one that reads: "One Day at a Time," remains unseen, and certainly not understood by so many, for a very, very long time in recovery. 

But all of us quickly grasp the concept of "Anyone can go 24 hours without a drink," especially - as my sponsee Sam S. says -"when we're sleeping for eight of those hours." 

Learning to live one day at a time however - ah - there's the challenge that takes us awhile.

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power. 

It says that above in our Big Book, that same book that exhorts us to live one day at a time and to stay sober by seeking the direction and protection of our Higher Power.

I'm a very slow learner, so learning to slow down and stay in the day I'm in right now took a lot of reminders and a lot of practice. When I got sober my concept of a morning meditation was reading the 24-hour-a-day book while driving 70 mph on my way to work, while applying makeup and doing my hair at the same time. 

Learning to slow down and actually think about spiritual matters took time. So did coming to understand - and believe - the fatal nature of our disease and our daily need to do what's necessary to keep it in remission. 

Developing our spiritual natures is the single most important part of that. If you doubt that, read your Big Book again. It's right there in black and white, written over and over again.

 I was also clueless about how I could make plans for the future while staying stuck in today and only today.

So it took time there, too, before I understood we certainly must make plans for our future, but also to trust that our Higher Power has a better plan for us if our best laid plans fall through. 

We have to learn, without free-falling into victim mode, that while our Higher Power answers our every prayer, sometimes the answer is "No." And it takes practice for us to not stamp out little feet when “No” is the answer.

I can accept that "No" today, and I wish I could tell you my acceptance is always immediate, but I'd be lying. Acceptance comes faster when I'm handed a disappointment now than it once did, but when it's a big disappointment it still takes time to process. 

We are not saints …

Living in today means dealing with the events and emotions in that day and not bringing forward petty annoyances from yesterday or building resentments for the future. 

The Big Big Book (as some call the Holy Bible) says. "Sufficient unto the day are the evils therin." I interpret that to mean we've got all we can handle today, only today. And we learn in our program our tomorrow will be even better when based on a life lived well today. 

Bill W. and Dr. Bob, living one sober day at a time and teaching others how to do the same for the days, weeks, months, years and decades it took for their knowledge to reach me, is a concept that heartens me. 

So does reading about the trials and tribulations and annoyances that bothered them enough to teach them acceptance. 

It heartens me because both men shared one of my own pet peeves - about our maintaining anonymity at the level of our meetings. When we first arrive it's understandable, but to continue doing it seems as counterproductive to me as it did to them. 

They knew alcoholics, grandiose creatures that we want to be, needed to stay anonymous "at the level of press, radio and films," but were baffled how that had become anonymity at group level where five members named  "Mike" could come to be known as "Newspaper Mike," "Handsome Mike." "Fireman Mike," "Tall Mike" and "Dancing Mike," instead of (the following are example names only) Mike Smith, Mike Jones, Mike Brown, Mike Miller and Mike Jackson, their actual names.

Our founders aired that grievance over that issue in letters exchanged between them, but finally came to accept their opinion wasn't going to change what had already become an accepted AA  practice. 

Each day offers us a choice in how to view the events of that one day: the good things, the happy events, the sad moments, the tragedies, the lottery win, the new car, the job opportunity, or just a day to relax, enjoy and take time to smell those roses. 

If we’re having a rough patch in our lives at the moment know that one day the understanding of the reason for it will arrive. Chances are you’ll learn it’s not only a testing time, but is also a preparation for work you’ll be called to do up ahead. 

Our prayers do get answered, sometimes in ways that seem painful at the time, but hindsight being 20/20 we are usually given understanding of our difficult life events when they are a long way behind us. 

We are called to learn how to live one day at a time and to accept whatever that day brings for us to learn from. 

Sounds easy, doesn't it? 

It isn't. 

  But it IS worth it!

 

Made A Decision   —  

 Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 

               Admitting When We Go Off the Rails

I do a step ten at bedtime every night. I didn't always, but I've learned over time it offers me real benefits. 

For starters, I get to give myself imaginary (but very sparkly) gold stars for those things I did right in that day. 

Secondly I can review those things I could have done better and consider how I might do better in future. 

And finally, I can target any direct amends I might need to make the following day that could have faded from memory had I not identified them.

Many people review yesterday’s events over their morning coffee. I prefer to run the events of the day through my head right before I fall asleep. The 10th step, like all the steps, is flexible. There is no right way or wrong of doing it. There are suggested ways for doing all the steps, but all that really matters is that we do them. 

Even the first step, the one that must be taken 100 percent, sometimes takes time for us to fully embrace it. Many of us wonder for quite a while after arriving in A.A. is we are really an alcoholic. We compare our stories with those we hear in meetings and listen to that voice in our head that says maybe we were not that bad after all. That’s why our sponsor will tell us to see where we identify with others in A.A. Doing so quiets that inner voice of ours, our diseased part, the one that tells us lies.

For the same reason we do a 10th step every day, to stay current with what is really going on with us.

I used to be a rager. Rage made me feel powerful and once I gave in to it I wasn't easily derailed. And I can still give in to rage when I'm not careful. Current events in America have fired me up several times recently, but the difference is I no longer take my rage out on other people.

 I can vividly remember raging at a woman years ago who - probably in an attempt to distract me - commented on the gold symbol I was wearing on a long chain around my neck. I barely slowed my tirade as I tossed that chain bearing the A.A. triangle back over my shoulder so I could continue my rant without that reminder!

I, grudgingly, made an apology to her the following day.

That event took place during a year in my early recovery that I now think of as my “amends year,” when I was kept busy making amends pretty much every month. I would get angry, vent my anger at anyone handy, and then realize - later- an amend was called for. I hated making those amends, but it took making them one right after another to reach that place of recognizing - and then surrendering - my over-the-top rage to my Higher Power. 

 I've had to make amends since that “lesson” month, of course, but only in cases where I overrode my Higher Power’s directions. We can all do that you know, but there are always consequences. I try hard to not do that these days.

How does the 10th step help these kinds of behaviors? Most of us lived lives on automatic pilot before recovery. We didn't give a lot of thought on how to act, we just acted - or reacted! We lived lives haunted by our past and dreading our future - or at least I certainly did.

In A.A. we are taught to live one day at a time, the one we're in. To do that effectively, to become that joyous, happy and free person we aspire to be, we have to pay attention to the details that trigger our behaviors. It isn't difficult, but it does take practice.

Our lessons in those areas where diligence is needed will show up. Whenever change is needed our “teachers” will arrive with our lessons in unkindness vs kindness, truth vs lies, tolerance vs intolerance, judgment vs non-judgment, rage vs peace, and so on. 

Once upon a time I was bitter, angry and viciously judgmental about “any woman who would have an affair with a married man.” I felt very justified about it, too, so naturally the very-married man eventually showed up romantically so he and I could live through that very unhappy life experience. 

Why? Why did that happen? Because I have a job in A.A. I sponsor people, and some arrive in my life with exactly that kind of baggage in their history. How could I possibly help someone were I harsh and judgmental learning they had been intimately involved with a married man? 

My Higher Power knows what’s needed from me to be of service to Him and isn't shy about handing out tough love to me when necessary. 

Doing my daily 10th step keeps me current on my thoughts and actions and lets me adjust them as necessary. Without that daily review we are all subject to letting important things slide.

And sliding can lead to slipping with folks like us.

 

   Made A Decision

             It Waits and Watches our Strengths

I went to a meeting last night, I wasn't feeling it. I was tired after my night shift and only having had four hours of sleep, but I’m so glad I went to hear an amazing share from one of our usual gents. He had been sober for 31 years, but seven years ago he went on a one week bender and nearly killed himself. I really needed to hear that ...

I read that paragraph above recently and was reminded - as I so often am - of the dangers of becoming complacent about our recovery. Taking myself to meetings is an important part of staying vigilant.

In our meetings we are reminded over and over again of the dangers of skipping meetings, no matter how much sober time we may have. Denial being our middle name we need that reminder. And we need it often.

When Covid showed up and we were all suddenly having to go to meetings online, a lot of us old folks didn't like it. I was one of them. I whined about it for a week or two, but soon realized these were going to be our only meetings for an uncertain future, so I learned how to click my way to continued sobriety. A lot of old-timers didn't - and a lot of old-timers got drunk.

But resistance to change is something we drunks are comfortable with and we cling tenaciously to our doubts, fears, self-loathing or hatred of others, because we find security in our old familiar pain. 

Only when remaining stuck becomes more painful than having to change our behaviors do we become willing. Most of our pain comes not from change itself, but from our resistance to change. But change is how we move forward, it's how we grow. When we invite new things into our lives, new joys can arrive, too. 

Step Ten - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it - assists us with changing old patterns. Step Ten calls for daily self-appraisal and self-correcting when we veer off course. This forces us to grow in understanding about our motives and to bring about necessary changes in the way we live our lives.

None of this happens overnight, by the way. AA is our journey of a lifetime and every step of the way we will learn new things that require us to change for the better. To not do so puts us in danger of complacency and complacency is the path to relapse. 

We must always continue to watch for - and correct when necessary - selfishness, dishonesty, fear and resentment. When these old enemies rear their ugly heads we must immediately (or as quickly as we are able) to ask our Higher Power to remove them. 

As our literature bluntly states: 

We must not rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

And we must also share what we learn about ourselves with others, especially the stuff we'd rather keep to ourselves. That gets - and keeps - us humble. 

Want an example? How about the following written in 1961 by none other than Bill W.  himself:

I used to be a champ at unrealistic self-appraisal. I wanted to look only at the part of my life which seemed good. Then I would greatly exaggerate whatever virtues I supposed I had attained. Next I would congratulate myself on the grand job I was doing. 

       So my unconscious self-deception never failed to turn my few good assets into serious liabilities. This astonishing process was always a pleasant one . . . I was falling straight back into the pattern of my drinking days . . . 

 ... I shall forever regret the damage I did to people around me. Indeed, I still tremble when I realize what I might have done to A.A. and to its future.

Here are some recent frightening stats for you:  In the USA alone about one in every ten people has a problem with alcohol, with 17 to 20 million of them being alcoholics. Alcohol-related deaths are the third highest cause of death in America, but alcohol still flies under the radar as the killer it is.  And here's the worst statistic - roughly 7,000 children in the states under the age of 15 try drinking for their first time every day, completely unaware that those who begin drinking before the age of 15 are four times more likely to become an alcoholic.

A.A. is only able to help a fraction of those afflicted - or will be - with our horrible disease. So if you are an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous you can bet a power greater than yourself chose you to recover to be of service to yourself and others. 

We don't need to know why we were chosen when most alcoholics never even make it through the doors of A.A., or stick around long even when they do. We just need to remain forever deeply grateful. And to make changes in our lives when changes are called for.

 It's known in AA as doing-the-doing. 

Keep doing it. 

 

 

 Made A Decision

One Day at a Time is all About Acceptance 

        (And acceptance is the answer to all our problems.)

            

         An expectation is a resentment under construction - Lloyd E.

Alcoholics in recovery seem to mainly come in two flavors - hard-charges and foot-draggers.

Hard chargers lives are lived anywhere from months to years ahead down the road. 

Foot-draggers can't see the future through the mists of the past. 

Hard charges launch huge projects. Foot draggers forever procrastinate. 

So it's no wonder our lovely little AA motto, right over there on the clubhouse wall, that one that reads: "One Day at a Time," remains unseen, and certainly not understood by so many, for a very, very long time in recovery. 

All of us quickly grasp the concept of "Anyone can go 24 hours without a drink," especially - as my sponsee Sam S. says -"when we're sleeping for eight of those hours." 

Learning to live one day at a time however - ah - there's the challenge that takes us awhile.

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power. 

It says that above in our Big Book, that same book that exhorts us to live one day at a time and to stay sober by seeking the direction and protection of our Higher Power.

I'm a very slow learner, so learning to slow down and stay in the day I'm in right now took a lot of reminders and a lot of practice. When I got sober my concept of a morning meditation was reading the 24-hour-a-day book while driving 70 mph on my way to work, while applying makeup and doing my hair at the same time. 

Learning to slow down and actually think about spiritual matters took time. So did coming to understand - and believe - the fatal nature of our disease and our daily need to do what's necessary to keep it in remission. Developing our spiritual natures is the single most important part of that.

 If you doubt that, read your Big Book again. It's right there in black and white, written over and over again.

 I was also clueless about how I could make plans for the future while staying stuck in today and only today.

So it took time there, too, before I understood we certainly must make plans for our future, but also to trust that our Higher Power has a better plan for us if our best laid plans fall through. 

We have to learn, without free-falling into victim mode, that while our Higher Power answers our every prayer, sometimes the answer is "No." And it takes practice for us to not stamp out little feet when “No” is the answer.

I can accept that "No" today, and I wish I could tell you my acceptance is always immediate, but I'd be lying. Acceptance comes faster when I'm disappointed today than it once did, but when it's a big disappointment it still takes time to process. 

We are not saints ...

Living in today means dealing with the events and emotions in that day and not bringing forward petty annoyances from yesterday or building resentments for the future. 

The Big Big Book (as some call the Holy Bible) says. "Sufficient unto the day are the evils therin." I interpret that to mean we've got all we can handle today, only today. And we learn in our program our tomorrow will be even better when based on a life lived well today. 

Bill W. and Dr. Bob, living one sober day at a time and teaching others how to do the same for the days, weeks, months, years and decades it took for their knowledge to reach me, is a concept that heartens me. 

So does reading about the trials and tribulations and annoyances that bothered them enough to teach them acceptance. 

It heartens me because both men shared one of my own pet peeves - about our maintaining anonymity at the level of our meetings. When we first arrive it's understandable, but to continue doing it seems as counterproductive to me as it did to them. 

They knew alcoholics, grandiose creatures that we want to be, needed to stay anonymous "at the level of press, radio and films," but were baffled how that had become anonymity at group level where five members named  "Mike" could come to be known as "Newspaper Mike," "Handsome Mike." "Fireman Mike," "Tall Mike" and "Dancing Mike," instead of (the following are example names only) Mike Smith, Mike Jones, Mike Brown, Mike Miller and Mike Jackson, their actual names.

Our founders aired that grievance over that issue in letters exchanged between them, but finally came to accept their opinion wasn't going to change what had already become an accepted AA  practice. 

Each day offers us a choice in how to view the events of that one day: the good things, the happy events, the sad moments, the tragedies, the lottery win, the new car, the job opportunity, or just a day to relax, enjoy and take time to smell those roses. 

If we’re having a rough patch in our lives at the moment know that one day the understanding of the reason for it will arrive. Chances are you’ll learn it’s not only a testing time, but is also a preparation for work you’ll be called to do up ahead. 

Our prayers do get answered, sometimes in ways that seem painful at the time, but hindsight being 20/20 we are usually given understanding of our difficult life events when they are a long way behind us. 

We are called to learn how to live one day at a time and to accept whatever that day brings for us to learn from. 

Sounds easy, doesn't it? 

It isn't. 

  But it IS worth it!