OKaysez

 

Made A Decision   —  

 Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 

               Admitting When We Go Off the Rails

I do a step ten at bedtime every night. I didn't always, but I've learned over time it offers me real benefits. 

For starters, I get to give myself imaginary (but very sparkly) gold stars for those things I did right in that day. 

Secondly I can review those things I could have done better and consider how I might do better in future. 

And finally, I can target any direct amends I might need to make the following day that could have faded from memory had I not identified them.

Many people review yesterday’s events over their morning coffee. I prefer to run the events of the day through my head right before I fall asleep. The 10th step, like all the steps, is flexible. There is no right way or wrong of doing it. There are suggested ways for doing all the steps, but all that really matters is that we do them. 

Even the first step, the one that must be taken 100 percent, sometimes takes time for us to fully embrace it. Many of us wonder for quite a while after arriving in A.A. is we are really an alcoholic. We compare our stories with those we hear in meetings and listen to that voice in our head that says maybe we were not that bad after all. That’s why our sponsor will tell us to see where we identify with others in A.A. Doing so quiets that inner voice of ours, our diseased part, the one that tells us lies.

For the same reason we do a 10th step every day, to stay current with what is really going on with us.

I used to be a rager. Rage made me feel powerful and once I gave in to it I wasn't easily derailed. And I can still give in to rage when I'm not careful. Current events in America have fired me up several times recently, but the difference is I no longer take my rage out on other people.

 I can vividly remember raging at a woman years ago who - probably in an attempt to distract me - commented on the gold symbol I was wearing on a long chain around my neck. I barely slowed my tirade as I tossed that chain bearing the A.A. triangle back over my shoulder so I could continue my rant without that reminder!

I, grudgingly, made an apology to her the following day.

That event took place during a year in my early recovery that I now think of as my “amends year,” when I was kept busy making amends pretty much every month. I would get angry, vent my anger at anyone handy, and then realize - later- an amend was called for. I hated making those amends, but it took making them one right after another to reach that place of recognizing - and then surrendering - my over-the-top rage to my Higher Power. 

 I've had to make amends since that “lesson” month, of course, but only in cases where I overrode my Higher Power’s directions. We can all do that you know, but there are always consequences. I try hard to not do that these days.

How does the 10th step help these kinds of behaviors? Most of us lived lives on automatic pilot before recovery. We didn't give a lot of thought on how to act, we just acted - or reacted! We lived lives haunted by our past and dreading our future - or at least I certainly did.

In A.A. we are taught to live one day at a time, the one we're in. To do that effectively, to become that joyous, happy and free person we aspire to be, we have to pay attention to the details that trigger our behaviors. It isn't difficult, but it does take practice.

Our lessons in those areas where diligence is needed will show up. Whenever change is needed our “teachers” will arrive with our lessons in unkindness vs kindness, truth vs lies, tolerance vs intolerance, judgment vs non-judgment, rage vs peace, and so on. 

Once upon a time I was bitter, angry and viciously judgmental about “any woman who would have an affair with a married man.” I felt very justified about it, too, so naturally the very-married man eventually showed up romantically so he and I could live through that very unhappy life experience. 

Why? Why did that happen? Because I have a job in A.A. I sponsor people, and some arrive in my life with exactly that kind of baggage in their history. How could I possibly help someone were I harsh and judgmental learning they had been intimately involved with a married man? 

My Higher Power knows what’s needed from me to be of service to Him and isn't shy about handing out tough love to me when necessary. 

Doing my daily 10th step keeps me current on my thoughts and actions and lets me adjust them as necessary. Without that daily review we are all subject to letting important things slide.

And sliding can lead to slipping with folks like us.