OKaysez

 

Have the courage to face the truth. Will the action you want to take enlarge you or diminish you?

 Do the right thing because it is right.

Admitting When We Go Off the Rails

 

I do a Step Ten (Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.) 

at bedtime every night. I didn't always, but I've learned over time it offers me real benefits.

For starters, I get to give myself imaginary (but very sparkly) gold stars for those things I did right in

 that one day.

Secondly, I can review those things I could have done better and consider how I might do better in future.

And finally, I can target any direct amends I might need to make the following day that could have

 faded from memory had I not identified them.

 

Many people review yesterday’s events over their morning coffee. I prefer to run the events of the day

 through my head right before I fall asleep. The Tenth Step, like all the steps, is flexible. There is no 

right way or wrong of doing it. There are suggested ways for doing all the steps, but all that really

 matters is we do them.

 

Even the first step, the one that must be taken 100 percent, sometimes takes time for us to fully

 embrace. Many of us wonder for quite a while after arriving in A.A. if we really are an alcoholic. 

We compare our stories with those we hear in meetings and listen to that voice in our head that says

 maybe we were not that bad after all.

 

That’s why our sponsor will tell us to see where we identify with others in A.A. Doing so quiets that

 inner voice of ours, our diseased part, the one that tells us lies. For that same reason we do a 10th step 

every day, to stay current with what is really going on with us.

 

I used to be a rager. Rage made me feel powerful, and once I gave in to it, I wasn't easily derailed.

 I can still give in to rage when I'm not careful. Current events in America have fired me up several 

times recently, but the difference is I seldom take my rage out on other people, and when I do forget

 myself, my amend usually follows within the hour.

 

 I vividly remember raging at a woman years ago who - probably in an attempt to distract

 me - commented on the gold symbol I was wearing on a long chain around my neck. I barely 

slowed my tirade as I tossed that chain bearing its golden A.A. triangle back over my shoulder so

 I could continue my rant without that reminder!

 

I, grudgingly, made an apology to her the following day.

 

That event took place during that year I now think of as my “amends year,” when I was kept busy

 making amends pretty much every week. I would get angry, vent my anger at anyone handy, and then

 later realize another damned amend was called for.

 

I hated making those amends, too, but it took making them one right after another to reach that place

of recognizing - and then surrendering to my HP - my over-the-top rages.

 

 I've had to make amends since that “lesson” month, of course, but only in cases where I overrode my

 Higher Power’s directions.

 

We can all do that you know, but there are always consequences. I try hard not to do that these days.

 

How does the 10th step help with that?

 

Most of us lived lives on automatic pilot before recovery. We didn't give a lot of thought on how to act, 

we just acted - or reacted!

 

We lived lives haunted by our past and dreading our future - or at least I certainly did.

 

In A.A. we are taught to live one day at a time, the one we're in.

To do that effectively, to become that joyous, happy and free person we aspire to be, we have to

 daily pay attention to the details that trigger our behaviors. It isn't difficult, but it does take practice.

 

Our lessons in those areas where diligence is needed will show up. Whenever change is needed

 our “teachers” will arrive with our lessons, in unkindness vs kindness, truth vs lies, tolerance vs 

intolerance, judgment vs non-judgment, rage vs peace, and so on.

 

Once upon a time I was bitter, angry and viciously judgmental about “any woman who would have

 an affair with a married man.” I felt totally justified about it, too.

Naturally the very-married man eventually showed up for me romantically so he and I could live

 through that unhappy life experience.

Why? Why did that have to happen?

Probably because I sponsor people and some arrive in my life with exactly that kind of baggage in

 their lives or their history. How could I possibly help someone were I harsh and judgmental upon 

learning they have been intimately involved with a married man?

 

My Higher Power knows what’s needed from me to be of service to Him and isn't shy about handing

 out tough love to me when necessary. I am, of course, not in any way suggesting He pushed me into

 having that affair. It was completely my choice, my decision. But, because my HP can use anything,

 even my rebellion and bad choices, my surviving that truly painful experience later gave me far

 more compassion for others.

 

We are not perfect. We must learn from our painful experiences, or we are doomed to repeat them 

until we do. We can also learn (over time) we don’t always have to learn through pain to gain wisdom 

where needed. Doing a daily 10th step keeps us current on our thoughts and actions, letting us adjust

 them when needed.

Without that daily review we are all subject to letting important things slide.

And sliding can too easily lead to slipping with folks like us.