Made a Decision

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                               Prayers and Some A.A. History

You wouldn't think A.A. members would fight about prayers, but they have - and they do - and they will  - because we're nothing if not a contentious bunch.

At almost every meeting we hear that we are to pray "only for the knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out!" So confusion about prayer shouldn't be an issue, but we often make it so because - in addition to being contentious - we alcoholics are also able to complicate the inner workings of an anvil.

Both Bill W. and Dr. Bob believed God had saved them from the hell of alcoholic drinking. Our founders were Christians (although to their great credit they never tried to shove that down our throats), so they quite naturally plugged various prayers into the A.A. program where they felt prayers were needed. 

 Thus we find the Third Step prayer:

  "God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life."

And the Seventh Step prayer: 

 “My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding.”

(I just learned my computer doesn't know its scripture. It keeps trying to change all thy-s, thou-s and thee-s into thighs, thousands and trees. Bloody heathen).

You'll find many Christian-like prayers throughout A.A.'s literature, always with that qualifier that we're praying to "God as we understand Him." 

(BTW - "Her" works in that last sentence instead of "Him," too. Many women in recovery use it). 

In early recovery I was no big fan of the often then-quoted Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi ("Lord make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring ... etc. etc."). I called it the co-dependent prayer, along with a number of other disrespectful things. 

I also took exception to that prayer because to me it was so obviously a Christian prayer, although no one else seemed to mind. So I was especially annoyed when they eventually took The Lord's Prayer out of meetings because, "they" said, it was "a Christian Prayer."

"Seemingly it's possible to have it both ways in A.A.," I said, scathingly. 

I did scathingly well in my early recovery when I was always willing to give you a "piece" of my mind with no "peace" behind it. (Good news: I hardly ever "scather" anymore.)

For a long time into my early recovery meetings began with the preamble, then the Serenity Prayer and then ended with The Lord's Prayer:

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
The power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen.

Then a few groups started ending their meetings by using the Serenity Prayer. As more and more meetings began doing it, I started questioning the reasoning behind it and was told by others (scathingly) that The Lord's Prayer was "too Christian" and the Serenity Prayer was not. 

It's true when people asked Jesus how they should pray he offered them The Lord's Prayer as a template, but nowhere in the prayer itself does it mention Jesus. I had never even considered it a Christian prayer, but others certainly did.  Apparently members have been fighting about its use almost since the beginning of A.A. 

Here's what Bill Wilson himself had to say about its use in a letter written in 1955: 

“Of course there are always those who seem to be offended by the introduction of any prayer whatever into an ordinary A.A. gathering. Also it is sometimes complained that the Lord’s Prayer is a Christian document. Nevertheless, this Prayer is of such widespread use and recognition that the argument of its Christian origin seems to be a little far-fetched.

"It is also true that most AA’s believe in some kind of god and that communication and strength is obtainable through his grace," Bill continued. "Since this is the general consensus, it seems only right that at least the Serenity Prayer and the Lord’s Prayer be used in connection with our meetings. It does not seem necessary to defer to the feelings of our agnostic and atheist newcomers to the extent of completely hiding ‘our light under a bushel.’ 

"However, around here, the leader of the meeting usually asks those to join him in the Lord’s Prayer who feel that they would care to do so. The worst that happens to the objectors is that they have to listen to it. This is doubtless a salutary exercise in tolerance at their stage of progress.” 

Commenting about Bill's letter after they started getting questions about how to handle members who refused to stand during recitation of the Lord's Prayer, the A.A.'s General Service Office noted the issue had been controversial in some circles since the 1940s. Their solution was: "Participation–or non-participation-in recitals of the Lord’s Prayer should be considered a matter of personal conscience and decision.” 

(I remind you that we alcoholics are a contentious bunch, but while we "are not saints," the General Service Office folks generally are.)

 My brother (sobriety date April 3, 1981) and I recently got into a discussion about the prayers used in A.A. Since we've both read a lot about the early history of Alcoholics Anonymous, it became quite a lively discussion. Here's a bit of history for you on The Serenity Prayer that he sent me afterward:

"The Serenity Prayer as said in meetings - 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference' - is just the first verse of the prayer known as the Serenity Prayer. 

 The rest of the prayer reads as follows:

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as the

Pathway to peace.

 Taking, as He did, this

Sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make

All things right if I

Surrender to His Will;

 That I may be reasonably happy

In this life, and supremely

Happy with Him forever in

The next.  

"The Serenity Prayer was written in 1929 by Karl Reinhold Niebuhr, a Lutheran pastor and theologian, who lived between (1892-1971). The prayer became more widely known in 1941 after it was brought to the attention of A.A. by an early member who came upon it in an obituary. Bill Wilson and his staff liked the prayer and had it printed in modified form. It has been part of Alcoholics Anonymous ever since. 

Before it was modified, the original text for that first verse read:   "Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other."

And while the "we" version of the Serenity Prayer still confuses me when it's used (my friend Lisa will vouch for this), I quite like this next version and often use it at the personal level: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one that I can, and the wisdom to know that person is me."

There's a non-Christian poem/prayer occasionally heard in meetings that was written by KĀLIDĀSA, a fifth-century Indian dramatist and poet (literary figure of the Sanskrit tradition who set the standard for classical Indian poetry and drama). His poem entitled Look to this Day is every bit as valid now about living one day at a time as when it was written:

Look to this day.

For it is life, the very life of life.

In its brief course lie all the verities and realities of your existence.

The bliss of growth, The glory of action, The splendor of achievement

Are but experiences of time.

For yesterday is but a dream.  And tomorrow is only a vision;

And today well-lived, makes yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well therefore to this day.

            I no longer think it matters in what religious tradition a prayer originated. What matters is using the prayers that most resonate with us in our daily lives. Perhaps the most important prayers are the ones we will actually do.

My friend, Butch W. (deceased), once told me, "More things are wrought by prayer than we would ever believe possible." I think he was spot on. As the Big Book itself tells us: "Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer."

In 1990, A.A.'s World Services embellished that statement by adding we have much to gain in keeping an open mind along our spiritual journey. Our sobriety is enriched and our practice of the Eleventh Step is made more fruitful when we use both the literature and practices of the Judeo-Christian tradition, along with the resources of other religions. 

My brother told me poetry and prayers have been "my two guiding lights for coping with the uncertainties of life. Both give direction for daily living life on life’s terms, turning the good, bad or ugly into learning opportunities for spiritual growth. Both have given me much stability and peace of mind on my journey."

 To which I can only add - Amen!

 

Made a Decision

 

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                                  Tiz the Season

    Happy Upcoming Navihanukwanzasolstikkah ... also known as the start of the season for meetings-about-staying-sober-while-surviving-the-holiday(s). 

In the run up to the holidays these meetings are held because ghostly and ghastly memories of holidays past start to dance through our heads along with fears about the holidays just ahead. 

These fears are especially strong in those who haven't yet faced a sober holiday season. But, as in most things, the holidays are just another paper tiger once we face up to them by having a plan in place to get through them. 

Making our sober plan is more important than getting cards in the mail, buying candles, or wrapping presents.

 The first part of that plan is to step up our attendance at meetings throughout the holidays. We're fortunate this year in having 24/7 meetings available to us on Zoom around the world. 

I should note there are also a small number of A.A. members who will go into the holiday season with perhaps a bit more confidence than is warranted. Confidence is a good thing, but it's always a good idea to be on guard against the cunning, baffling and powerful nature of our disease.

As it points out in the book, "Living Sober, regarding the "biochemical, unchangeable nature of our ailment:"

"Alcoholism respects no ifs. It does not go away, not for a week, for a day, or even for an hour, leaving us nonalcoholic and able to drink again on some special occasion or for some extraordinary reason - not even if it is a once-in-a-lifetime celebration, or if a big sorrow hits us, or if it rains in Spain or the stars fall on Alabama. Alcoholism is for us unconditional, with no dispensations available at any price."

Over the holidays we'll probably be invited to parties where people will be drinking; or we'll have to get through another session with family members who drink (often the way we did); or we'll be tempted seemingly beyond hope by all the Christmas "cheer" ads on television that can spiral us downward into depression. 

(More on this fake cheer stuff further along in the blog.)

Even holiday chocolates filled with genuine booze can be a booby trap when we don't pay attention! When in doubt about the candy - or the big bowl of holiday punch - ask!!!

First and foremost, get in touch with your own personal brand of Higher Power before you head out to a holiday event. It's the way to renew your courage and to know with that kind of backing you will be victorious over any situation you may encounter.

If we're single and invited to a plus-one party, we can take along a friend in recovery. Decide with them on a signal and excuse for leaving beforehand should one of you start to get uncomfortable. Long time couples can use this same plan.

Family gatherings can be more tricky. While one or two people there may be supportive of your sobriety, others - especially those who drink like we did - may feel threatened by our sobriety. They're the ones who mock our "inability" to drink while forcibly pushing "just one glass" at us. 

The key here is to let people know on arrival that you have another holiday party to go to after this one. (No one needs to know your other gathering is an AA meeting). Then get the basic must-do part of the visit out of the way (exchanging gifts, eating dinners, lighting candles, whatever) before heading out as soon as possible to your "next holiday party."

Everyone knows there are many parties around the holidays, some of them on the same afternoons or evenings, so the "next holiday party" ploy outlined above works equally well for quickly escaping the often dreaded office party.

As for all those seasonal "Hallmark Moments" on the telly mentioned earlier  - the ones where perfect families gather around perfect tables filled with perfectly cooked comfort foods ... or joyfully exclaim over perfectly-wrapped, perfect gifts from comfy couches in perfectly decorated living rooms ... they don't exist. 

Tell yourself that. 

No one - NO ONE - has families like that. 

Most of us have families where in close quarter situations there's at least one snarky member verbally trashing other relatives while others argue about politics (with and without fist fights), get drunk, apologise for the undercooked vegetables, or otherwise devote their time to making everyone else feel uncomfortable.

Some of us have families supportive of our need to stay away from booze and other mind-altering chemicals, but many of us do not. Usually our non-alcoholic blood kin can't even stand up in our shoes, much less take a walk in them. They continually say things like, "I really don't get it. Surely you can have just one?" 

Others at the family party, the ones worried about their own drinking, are made very uncomfortable by our sobriety because they don't want to look at their own intake. We are seen as a danger to them. We're the family odd one they'd happily not have to spend time around.

Sometimes our family members can't let go of the person we were when drinking. We remain the butt of the family jokes because they hold tightly to resentments made at those long ago ruined family events.

We, after all, were the embarrassing ones who knocked over the tree, blew out the sacred candles, punched our father-in-law, fell asleep at the table, upchucked in the sink, made a pass at somebody's partner ... We've put those memories behind us (or don't even remember them), but others have not. They still watch us warily for more of the same. In their eyes we will always remain the family bad guys.

Under the burden of all that baggage, family gatherings - or just family, period -  often remain the hardest place to navigate in our sober lives. 

Or, as I once heard in a meeting, "If it's not one thing, it's another. If it's not another, it's your Mother." 

The good news is, we now have another family - our A.A. family - to validate, support, encourage and get us safely through the holiday season and all other life events. 

Our A.A. family members "get us." We don't have to explain our discomfort at being surrounded by people drinking, trays full of drinks on offer, and people gulping down drinks while eyeing us like we're the weird ones. 

All the meetings about holiday hazards help get us centered for the tinsel-strewn days ahead. There will be people in them who have lived through all the dangers of holidays past and still stayed sober. They assure us if they could do it, we can do it. And they're right!

 

A.A. members in our holiday meetings are there to share their experience, strength and hope on how to safely get through "the most wonderful time of the year" ... 

                        and to top up their own sober resolve in the process.

    So go laugh and be merry. The holidays only roll around once a year after all - Thank God!

 

Made A Decision

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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

    I once read an amazing book by M. Scott Peck called "People of the Lie," in which he puts forth the premise that "all evil acts begin with a lie."

Peck then builds on that theme by showing how the smallest of lies can lead to larger ones becoming necessary to protect the first lie, and then more lies are told to protect those ... and so on.

(By the way, Peck's book is also one of the scariest books I've ever read. You have been warned).

I've often thought about Peck's book since that first reading, especially regarding the denial inherent in our addictions. We deny that we have a problem and then lie (and lie and lie) to others, and to ourselves, to protect that first lie of denial so we won't have to face our problem.

And then in early recovery we often lie when we're asked how we are and we answer, "I'm Fine," when in truth we're feeling "Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional" - (F.I.N.E).

Truth just doesn't always come easily to an alcoholic. Many of us learned to lie very early in our families of origin, either to get our own way or to protect ourselves. Often both.

I learned to lie right about the time when I learned to talk and then hardwired it in, becoming very good at it over the next three decades. When I quit drinking I thought it would solve my problems, instead it exposed all of them, with the biggest disclosure being my dishonesty.

Letting go of lying, learning to tell the truth (no matter how scary the situation), seeking to become ever more honest, has been the hardest part of my own journey in recovery.

In the beginning I told myself I was at least "cash register honest" (which wasn't true, either, but it took awhile to recognize that) so that I could continue lying when I felt a lie was needed. In other words, when it was easier to lie than face - and tell - the truth.

Early on we hear that AA is "an honest program." But learning and doing can remain poles apart until we face up to our own relationship with honesty. That "little white lie" remained the first words on my lips for a long, long time in sobriety.

A lie can still come into play if I'm feeling backed into a corner, but that happens very seldom now. That's because I know I'll have to fess up afterwards and I really hate that. I've learned over time it's just easier to tell the truth in the first place.

Life gets easier when we tell the truth because there are no more exaggerated tall tales to tell to make us feel important. There's no more pretending to be someone other than ourselves, no more ducking or dodging when asked a direct question.

When we live our lives as an open book, we don't have to live with the fear of someone "finding out." Living honestly is the path to serenity.

"We're as sick as our secrets," is often heard in A.A. Therefore, not honestly sharing who we are is in itself a lie. By working the program we can discover who we really are.

Yes, our lives may have been a train wreck during our years in addiction, and that can't be changed. So we face up to that time honestly in sobriety, then make our amends and move on. When there's nothing in our lives left to hide we can live a more peaceful life (for all concerned).

Will we live perfectly? Let me know if you manage it. I haven't. I have failed often - and still do - (no saint, me), but thanks to the A.A. tool kit I no longer have to make excuses for my mistakes. I can just own them.

Our program gives us all the ability to face things as they are. We no longer need to run away to dive into a bottle. It's called freedom. We earn it by becoming truthful.

The sober world is a terrific place to live once we recognize our life "challenges" are really just opportunities for growth. They aren't punishment for - pick one - being imperfect; having made mistakes; being a drunk; not having more money; running away; telling lies; getting fat; not doing "it" right (whatever "it" is), and so on.

We're spiritual beings having a human experience and that means we're here in our bodies to learn to do and be better. To think less of ourselves and more about others. Our "challenges" give us the perfect practice sessions for doing that.

And A.A. gives us the perfect support system for getting through our "challenges" intact. It gives us tools like real and caring friends and meetings where we can let off steam and learn from others how they've coped with situations similar to ours.

Our sober lives bring us expected - and unexpected - rewards, ranging from rewarding employment (along with the satisfaction of doing a good job) to simply feeling good when we wake up in the morning.

The First Step requires us to stop lying to ourselves and admit we are powerless over alcohol. Steps Four and Five propel us forward into becoming more honest. They cut through our self-delusion and allow us to admit to God, to ourselves, and to another person just how dishonest we have been.

We gain a realistic view of ourselves that allows for more honesty about ourselves. We will start to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

"Honesty is the best policy" was something I heard said a lot by the old folks when I was a kid. Turns out they were right. So now that I'm an old folk myself, I feel qualified to "Pass it on."

Made a Decision

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Going to Any Lengths

Every A.A. newcomer is soon made aware of the basic ingredients for staying sober. 

We are told to read the Big Book; read the 12&12; find a sponsor to take us through the steps of recovery; get to lots of meetings, find a home group; pray and meditate to deepen the connection with a Higher Power, and to become active in service to AA. 

That's pretty much it. 

Members who do these things (while gradually adding in more of A.A.'s "suggestions") tend to stay sober.  

By doing what's outlined above we can escape the ugly, distorted, vicious path of our chronic, terminal illness. 

Ours is a disease that first seeks to take away everything we hold dear, consigns us next to the bitter isolation of lingering loneliness,

 and finally, brutally, kills us. 

Keeping that in mind makes continuing to do the work of AA pretty much a no brainer.

 Service work for A.A. is vital to healthy recovery. It's one of the three sides of our AA triangle, equal in importance to the legacies of "recovery" and "unity". 

Caution!!!

There is real danger when we tune out those words heard at every meeting:

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe."

Willingness to do whatever we are told includes service. And willingness  simplifies the program. Those who study our literature and go to meetings keep on getting better.  

And those who get and stay active, and help other members when they can, also seem to become a lot happier in their own lives.

Staying willing really isn't hard. Especially when we realize it's truly easier to stay sober than it is to get sober.

But life happens. Things aren't always peachy. We're sober, but we can sometimes find ourselves becoming dissatisfied. 

That's the very moment to dig deep for the cause of our unrest. 

Sometimes it's just a twinge of guilt over not doing our fair share in the program - and that's an easy fix. 

Recovery involves some discipline and once we realize discipline isn't a dirty word, but rather a way of creating order in our lives instead of chaos, we can embrace those opportunities for service that come our way.

This applies to groups too. Tradition Four (if you don't know it, look it up) points each group in a spiritual direction and offers ways to provide service - from warmly greeting newcomers to hosting A.A. workshops.

Our own service opportunities arrive in the form of sponsoring others, chairing meetings, welcoming visitors and newcomers, providing the tea, coffee and biscuits at in house meetings, keeping track of AA anniversaries and arranging celebrations, ordering "birthday" chips, and suiting up to share our own story of recovery when asked.

Service positions include group secretary, treasurer, General Service Office representative, public information officer, and more. In this age of Zoom meetings there are tech support positions needing filling, too.

When your home group needs one of those offices filled - volunteer. 

 There's also telephone service, taking meetings into prisons or treatment centres, speaking about recovery in schools, letting your doctor know you are a resource for alcoholics in need -  the list of service opportunities is long and varied.  Find your niche and fill it.

Statistically, most still suffering alcoholics never get to an AA meeting. They never even get a chance at a sober life.

 Of those that do get to the rooms, many don't stick around. 

We who do are the fortunate ones, but our sobriety comes at a cost. 

The price is service. 

Because every service job - one way or another - involves carrying the message of AA to others and is therefore part of the ongoing step work  (specifically Step Twelve) that we do to keep ourselves spiritually fit - and sober. 

Our Higher Power doesn't get and keep us sober because of any special qualities we may have. H.P. needs people to do His/Her work in the world. Those unwilling to step up to the job eventually get replaced by those who will. 

To keep your seat in the rooms, serve cheerfully and readily. Don't shirk any responsibility. Go out of your way to be of service.

Remember all those foxhole prayers you made when you were drinking? Those "Please, God, get me out of this mess and I'll never drink again" prayers? 

Our Higher Power did that, didn't He? 

We're sober now, aren't we? 

Come on!

The payoff for service work is to see others get and stay sober. It's the best of the many gifts we'll find in AA!  

Service of any kind lifts us from the doldrums to a life of purpose and joy.

We protect our sobriety when we continue to do-the-doing of recovery on a daily basis. In the process, we'll also pile up those only treasures we get to take with us when we head off to that big meeting in the sky. 

Looks to me like that's just another one of those 

no-brainers.

Made a Decision

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          Masks  (Are not just about Halloween).    

"One of the quickest ways to become exhausted is by suppressing your feelings." 

Sue Patton Thoele, Author

Most of us didn't even know what a feeling was when we got into recovery. After all, we had spent years in a bottle hiding from them.

I didn't know how sick I was when I got to AA until I started getting better. Discovering and experiencing more feelings than just "rage" or "anger" was an important, terrifying, exhilarating and fear-inducing part of my early recovery. I wouldn't want to live through that experience again - but I'm glad I went through it. It allowed me to stay sober.

 Learning to once again feel our feelings allows us to reclaim the sensitivity we once knew as small children.

When we wall off our feelings, to the point where we don't know what we actually feel, we tend to study those around us and borrow their behaviors. Through imitation we can then create a mask to wear so we can look good on the outside, no matter what's going on inside. 

Our masks can take many forms. Sometimes we design one that feels like a good fit and we stick with it. Others, those of us who are especially insecure, slip and slide between masks by wearing whichever one feels right at a particular moment.

Here are some examples:

The "Looking Good" mask: 

Wearers of this mask are glib talkers, manipulative, self-centered, humourous, deceitful, and (because their mask hides their darker side), they can often be quite delightful to be around. They have charm to spare. They are also able to appear far more put together than they actually are.

Behind this mask is an angry frightened person who suffers from a sense of entitlement. This mask is prone to slip when the wearer doesn't get what they want when they want it. 

(Note: I wore this mask when I first arrived in AA ... and for a long time afterward.) 

The "I am Angry and will Keep You at Arm's Length No Matter What," mask." 

These mask wearers can be victims or bullies, or both. They manipulate through temper tantrums and by pulling away before others can retaliate. They have been hurt in the past and expect to be hurt today and in the future. They keep their guard up against that possibility. 

They sometimes behave in ways that make them hard to love as a way to keep others at arm's length. Behind their mask they are lonely, confused and sad.

(Note: I wore this mask a lot when I arrived in AA, too. I was as much fun to be around then as broken glass.)

The wearer of the: "I am Helpful, Cheerful, Nurturing, Warm, and Kind" mask 

is often furious behind it.

 They wear their "nice" face to conceal - and control - their anger. They believe if they show their real feelings, people won't like them and they'll be abandoned. 

These mask wearers are usually women, but men are not exempt and will wear it if it feels comfortable. 

(Note: I've worn this mask, too, especially in relationships.)

"The Victim" mask is unattractive and obvious, but many of us wear it anyway. When still drinking these mask wearers believed if others would treat them better they wouldn't have to drink. After sobriety they learn this isn't true, but they don't feel able to take the mask off, so they find other ways to remain victims. 

They say things like, "this is too hard," "I can't do it," "if only people would be nicer to me," ... etc.

Lurking behind the mask is a control freak seeking sympathy. The good news is - over time in AA - we learn to take responsibility for our own actions and become victims no more.

(Note: Standing on our own hind legs is a far better place to be. I know this for sure, because I once wore this mask, too ... and it fit perfectly.)

There are many more masks worn by us, but you get the idea ... 

and taking them off isn't easy. It takes time to develop enough trust to believe that removing them won't make our lives worse. 

Our society constantly sells the idea that everything should be easy and, moreover, instant. We demand instant solutions to problems and feel like failures even when we're making slow and steady progress toward solutions. 

I must admit, though, that sometimes when I begin to think I might finally have a handle on things, a new challenge can pop up to shake up what I thought I had already learned.

 It's called "growth," and it often seems that new challenges are just the "reward" for work done (she said, grumpily). I don't always like it (clearly), but I don't want to stay stuck either. I've been stuck during my recovery a time or two. It's far worse than growth!

Give time, time.

Brick by brick we slowly build a foundation for our long-term recovery.

It isn't easy to change habits, responses and beliefs about ourselves. It takes effort. But one good tool for doing so is to change the language we use about ourselves, to listen to our self-talk and change it to something more upbeat. To start using success words when we think and talk about ourselves. 

Here are a few: confident, courageous, understanding, accepting, goal-oriented, creative, loving, thorough, honest, attractive, strong, willing, open-minded, persistent, determined and faithful. You'll think of even more when you start to use some of these to  begin seeing yourself in a more positive way. 

As a recovering addict you are not "different," you have a health problem and you are working on it. You are also a very nice person - believe it!

Today is all the time there is. Nobody but ourselves can keep us from using it well. If we can work to make this a good day, tomorrow will be even better. Staying preoccupied with thoughts of grievances and troubles can ruin what could have been a great day.

I now live - and have often lived - with teenagers. They are lovely, bright, funny, and talented - part of the time. And part of the time they are bad-tempered, self-centered, pains in the ass. Over time their better qualities become stronger and their more negative ones become less and less. That's called maturing.

When we start using alcohol/drugs when young, we don't mature. We behave like teenagers. But life lessons can not be ducked. When we sober up we'll have to go through our "teens" in our 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s (on up). 

And we will make mistakes. 

It will be hard. 

We won't like it. 

So what?

What's the alternative? To remain undeveloped as a person? Is that really an option for someone as bright, funny, lovely and courageous as you are?

Isolation isn't the answer. We can't escape the company of others by feeling like they are out to get us. No one is out to get us. The people we meet in AA are often still emotional teenagers, too. And they'll sometimes behave that way. 

AA is all about growing up and loving our lives. We do that by helping one another get through that same - often painful - process. Your Higher Power is standing by to help you evaluate your social situations. 

To shed our masks we must learn to drop our guard a bit. If someone hurts us, our best option is to think about why we are feeling hurt instead of blaming them for our pain. Was it an intentional hurt? Usually it's not. Quite often the person involved (in or out of AA) was just being an emotional "teenager."

We grow and change in our commitment to recovery, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes joyfully and occasionally uncomfortably. But as we stay sober, grow we will. 

And that's a good thing. Discovering who we are is an adventure. Taking off our masks can be as exhilarating as skydiving. 

(Sometimes as terrifying, too, but the rewards offer a terrific high). 

Best of all, our Higher Power is right there in the thick of it to help us become our best me.  We so easily forget that and continue trying to think our way through life's challenges when, with HP's guidance, we can learn to live our way through them. 

Have a look in a mirror and tell yourself that people love you, want to know you and to hang out with you. Start believing it. 

It's true, you know. 

When we daily do-the-doing of recovery we look and act far better than we did when living a masked-up Halloween life.

                            

                                                     

                               

 

Made A Decision

(36)

The Problem Is Always Me

What???   

I'M the problem??? 

I don't think so!!!

After all ...

HE fired me! ... SHE stole my savings! ... HE never stops yelling at me ... SHE is spreading lies about me ... HE's the one having the affair ... SHE won't believe me ... HE broke his promise ... She's my sister and treats me like dirt ... My father lied to me ...  It was a secret and SHE blabbed ... 

We can play that blame game forever, but if we want emotional sobriety - aka: serenity - we may want to look at what our AA program teaches us.

Like this from the 12&12:

 "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

And this from the Big Book:

“ ...  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.”

In the American AA magazine The Grapevine, 

Bill W. himself was quoted as saying:

"If we examine every disturbance we have, great

or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities.

"Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to twelfth-step ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety."

Yeah, sure. Easy for Saint Bill to say, but not so easy to do if you're just a struggling drunk like me.

 But remember, it was "Saint Bill" who actually wrote those words we hear at every meeting: "We are NOT saints." 

So we'll have to step back here and remember that Bill W. - who gave us so much - was a garden variety drunk just like all the rest of us. 

Sure he was inspired - many say God inspired - when he and Dr. Bob put our incredible program of recovery together.  And there is no doubt both men were highly intelligent, strong-minded, high-achieving individuals.

 But the same can be said of many other AA members. 

The difference is, our founders recognized that to stay sober they had to let go of any hint of being victims.

When we were still ignorant about addiction we were victims of its power, but we are no longer victims. No matter what we've lived through, we're still here. That makes us survivors who are now working on becoming better people. Our history itself has taken us from victimhood to victory. 

By climbing our steps of recovery we get to the places offering life's finest views. 

So the moment we fall back into old behaviors and start playing the blame game it's time to rein ourselves in. We do it by looking at our part in whatever situation is causing us unrest.

 

Because, clearly, the statement - "Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us" - offers no loopholes. 

Regardless of what is happening around us, or to us, we have the responsibility to look only at our part. Others may seem unreasonable, but - just as holding onto resentments is dangerous for us - so is holding onto the blame game. 

We must own our part in any life problems we're experiencing.

                                     Easy to do? 

                                           Nope.

But when we do our Tenth Step nightly inventory we will start to see our part in our problems with others. It is where we learn we must stop judging others and ourselves. 

So put your stick away - the one you beat yourself up with - and start acknowledging you have good qualities, too. 

(Yes, this means you).

We are not always in the wrong, but our self-respect will be enhanced every time we act on the phrase: "... when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

Our Tenth Step work teaches us the person who is upsetting us the most is our best teacher!!! Our goal is to mentally thank that person for offering us so much to learn about ourselves. 

(I'll be working on this one till the day I die, but I'm better at it than I used to be. Progress, not perfection).

The 12&12 states that everyone, even us,"Are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong," and urges us to develop tolerance so we can learn "... what real love for our fellows actually means."

When we don't learn from our mistakes we remain driven by them. Freedom is the absolute discovery of the joy to be found in living our own way - but in a better way.  

Freedom is actually obedience to our inner Higher Self, the One seeking expression through us. 

The program of AlAnon, made up of those amazing souls who have to deal with us drunks (wet or dry), while maintaining their own peace of mind, teaches that everyone is to some extent emotionally ill.

One of the AlAnon sayings is: 

"Don't take anyone's inventory but your own."

It's great advice! 

 

Do you know anyone who is physically, mentally or spiritually perfect? I don't and I don't expect I ever will.  So if "they" aren't perfect and "we" aren't perfect, how can we expect emotional sobriety unless we learn to cut everyone some slack? 

The best way I've found is to begin treating others as I would like them to treat me - as that high-valued metal "rule"suggests. It's pretty much the gold standard for finding emotional sobriety.

 

Made a Decision

(35)

                         Staying Sober in the Tough Times

  

Recovery can feel wonderful, especially in early recovery where we can often sail happily along, get to meetings, hang out with our AA buds, do our step work, talk with our sponsor, embrace prayer and even sometimes dip our toes into meditation.

Recovery, even long term recovery, can feel wonderful too, because after a while we relax a bit. We now know for sure this AA thing works and that it's the best thing that's ever happened for us. We share our program with confidence. Life is good and just keeps on getting better.

Even so, being obsessives, we often can project a painful future for ourselves. We can worry ourselves crazy about things that may never happen. 

Living in the moment, living One Day at a Time, is the best way to keep those "What Ifs" at bay.

But what about when we're suffering from something other than our built-in, often-negative, thoughts? What about when bad things actually do happen to good people like us or our loved ones? What do we do then? 

We do the same things we do during recovery's good times. We pray. We meditate. We call our friends. We go to meetings (lots of meetings), we study our AA literature for answers, and we share our pain with others.

We are - all of us - 'spiritual beings having a human experience,' and part of that human experience includes pain and loss. 

 Parents die, friends die, siblings die, sometimes our children die (or remain estranged). Pets get killed in the road, our house burns to the ground, we're told we have cancer, we're made redundant at work, a loved one leaves us for another, a traffic accident leaves us physically broken, a loved one commits suicide, violence arrives to shatter our world - the list for trauma goes on ...  It isn't selective. I've experienced eight of the above circumstances during my sober years. Others have stayed sober having experienced far worse. 

Sometimes our painful events arrive in batches, sometimes in just one single horrific life-changing episode. We will all experience pain and loss at some point in our sobriety. It's a given. We can't head that off, but by continuing to grow in our recovery, we will be able to handle whatever shows up.

And when those dark days arrive we must pick ourselves up off the ground and go to more meetings to share our pain. We talk with our sponsors. We lean on the support of our friends in the program (and others) who show up for us in our time of need. We cry, sometimes we wail ... we hurt ... but we don't drink.

There is nothing that can happen to us that taking a drink won't make worse. 

Sober we can set aside our own suffering to reach out to others who are suffering still more. We can be there for a dying friend or family member, we can cheer them with our presence or hold their hand as they leave us. We can be the rock for others to lean on.

It took pain for us to surrender our alcoholism to a power greater than ourselves. That experience taught us God seldom becomes a reality until God becomes a necessity. 

Painful as our present time may be, we will one day see how the experience itself brought us spiritual testing, healing, and then growth. We will learn that God is with us through all the events of our lives, from healing a paper cut to mending a shattered heart. All we have to do is ask.

In AA we learn how to turn to our Higher Power for the strength we need during the hard times. When we share our pain in a meeting we can hear God's voice in the responses of those there. We feel His comfort in the love and concern of our friends. 

I was once told that every time I went to a meeting when I didn't want to go, when I reached out to a still suffering alcoholic during a time when I'd rather just hide in bed with the covers over my head, when I'd look only at my part in whatever wrongs I thought were being done to me by others - in other words, when I would continue to do-the-doing no matter what - I would be paying into an AA insurance policy that would pay back dividends during life's tough times.

That insurance policy has paid me back a hundredfold over the years. Prayers I made in the good times came back to lift me over the bad times. Friends I made in all those meetings were there for me, front and centre, when I needed them most.  

It's all too easy to forget we have a mental illness. It's the third component in our spiritual and physical one. So even when things are peachy-keen we can go to bed feeling on top of the world and wake up the next morning wanting to kill someone - perhaps even ourselves.

I recently heard someone say they had one day of sobriety, this day - but they also had managed decades of sobriety by practicing each day on how to keep it. I love that! 

We really do only have today's sobriety, but the longer we stay sober the more we learn that it's really true that the bad stuff - whatever it is - will pass. All we have to do is hang in there and continue to do - and be strengthened by - what we know works. 

             

We need to understand our alcoholism and we learn that from studying our Big Book and the 12&12. We learn there that we suffer from a chronic, terminal illness and we learn what to do to keep it under control. 

When our recovery feels painful it can indicate a need for more step work, sponsor time, reaching out to AA friends, or for the very real "fix" of more meetings. Meetings are medicine to help treat our mental illness. 

With zoom meetings now available 24/7 around the world, we can get to our "clinic" whenever we need to. If you are hurting in your life today - Go!