“The Steps protect me from myself;
the Traditions protect AA from me.”
Step Six - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
I wasn't entirely ready when I first did Step Six, but I was ready to get rid of some of my defects. Apparently that was enough to start with as it kept me sober.
In the time since I've released other character defects to my Higher Power, one by one - to the best of my ability.
But a sponsor of mine once gave me a coffee mug having a slogan on it that read: "Anything I've ever surrendered had my claw marks all over it."
Bullet Points for Step Six:
Having now done your Fourth and Fifth Steps, you have identified your obvious defects of character.
Ask yourself if any of these defects have served you well?
Have any of these defects - anger, resentments, dishonesty, whatever - ever led to a drinking binge in your past?
Would it serve your sobriety and your loved ones if those defects of character were gone?
Are you willing to let them go to the best of your ability? If so, you have a partner in your Higher Power who supports that. It's now time to move forward with Step Seven and learn how to do it.
Step Seven - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Humbly? Now there’s a new word for most alcoholics. It means: "In a way that shows or suggests a modest or lower estimate of one’s importance; as in - the servant bowed humbly before his master."
Becoming humble does not humiliate us. Humble and humility are two very different words with very different meanings. Humiliation feels awful; humility feels right. Trust your gut.
Alcohol may have given us many occasions (and actions) causing us humiliation, but learning humility gives us a right attitude toward “A Power greater than ourselves.”
Bullet points for Step Seven:
Chances are good we had tried every way we could think of to stop drinking, and failed.
Asking a Power Greater than Ourselves to save us from ourselves gives us our first good experience of humility.
So it's now time to "bow humbly before our Master" and ask for our shortcomings to be removed. Your life will become much easier for it.
Many of our shortcomings are hard-wired in. Some defects require more than one surrender. And just like our craving for alcohol, keeping them at bay is also "contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition."
Step Eight - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
There's no ambiguity about Step Eight. It's time again for pencil and paper ...
Bullet Points for Step Eight:
Most of the people on your amends list will have turned up on paper in your Step Four.
Write those people down on your Step Eight list.
Add any other people whose names have come to mind since writing your Fourth Step.
Write a notation beside those people with whom you still have contact. That's your priority list.
Make the amends on your priority list and then find those you may need to locate and make amends to them.
Don't be surprised if people from the past in need of your amend show up out of the blue. Make your amends and be awed on how your Higher Power set this up.
Decide on the first three people you will contact and make socially-distant appointments to meet with them. (Or, if another Covid spike comes along and personal contact is not possible, send them an amends letter.)
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Of course it's scary. I've never met anyone eager to do Step Nine, myself included. But I've never found more relief in my life than I've had after making a much-needed amend.
Amends will be required throughout our recovery. With the best of intentions, being human, we'll still get angry, still put our wants over the needs of others, and still behave badly to others on occasion.
We'll know an amend is needed when we can't shake the thought of a person, especially if that person insists on renting space in our brains when we're trying to sleep. No matter how we may try to justify to ourselves that no amend is needed, odds are one is.
So pray for the right words, make the connection and just do it.You'll sleep better for it!
Helpful tip: Use “I messages" in your 9th step amends. An "I message" conveys personal responsibility and not blame.
Example: I regret how my alcoholism caused this rift between us," is an "I message."
A "you message" - will sound something like: “If you had tried to have more understanding of my alcoholism there would never have been a problem between us.”
See the difference?
BTW - "I messages" work very well in life situations of all kinds. They have a way of smoothing out life's bumps. We are wise to cultivate the habit of using them.
Most people will accept your amend with good grace, some will not. No worries.Your actions may never repair a fractured relationship (although some will improve over time), but they will always bring about more healing for you.
Bullet Points for Step Nine:
Meet with each person on your list, one by one. A Facetime meeting will work just fine.
Pray for clarity and healing before each meeting and then have at it.
Clean up your side of the street. Be truthful, unless a particular truth would cause pain to that person or someone they value.
There’s no need to mention their part in any problems that have arisen between you, stick with your contribution to any estrangement.
Tell them your regrets for what your having the disease of alcoholism has caused between you.
Explain how living the program of AA - one day at a time - is bringing a healing to you and to people who are important to you.
Thank them for their time in listening today.
Do this with every person on your list.
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